[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"Jesus. This Qatar team is clueless. Couldn’t dictate terms to a voice note app." – Don T

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Mundial Día 4: Offseason Sunday Etc. Etc.

Don T

/

Buenas, buenas. Oof. Let me dim the lights a little.

I missed the majority of yesterday’s action on account of a most joyous family occasion and a dynamite party afterwards. So I’m still in a great mood and perhaps might still be a bit concussed (will get details later in the week). The videos received thus far reveal uninhibited dancing, with ZERO (0) laughter in the background—a first, and I’ve already said too much.

MUNDIAL STUFFS

-The USMNT looks ess ou elle aie dee, solid. Getting strong Russia 2018 vibes from the co-host nation, without the steroids this time. Telemundo calls the USA el equipo de todos, or everybody’s team. Mmm, nice try. It’s tío Tom-ish, but gotta say: rooting for the USA men, in lesser footy, definitely has outsider cachet. Yeah yeah; it could be race treason in some corners of LATAM, but personally I’ll never begrudge a team that plays dynamic and attacking lesser.

-México and Canada round up the unbeaten hosts and both have excellent chances of advancing into the 37,000-teams knockout round.

Looking forward to their next games on June 18: CAN v. QAT & MEX v. KOR.

-By my count, European teams so far have two wins, two losses, and two empates, with Germany (7-1 against Curaҫao) and Scotland (1-0 against Haiti) being the pride of the Ole Incontinent.

-Automatic hydration breaks = 3+ minutes of added time each half. tWBS [pours some hair of dog Medalla] whinged a lot about lessser’s arbitrary addition of time at the end of each half. Surely he would’ve been apoplectic about the Qatar 2022 game expansion, but this World Cup has not veered irrationally into bonus fútbol.

SPORTS

All times Central.

Netherlands v. Japan

3:00 PM Central, Jerrah World

This might be the best game of the Mundial so far (IMHO). Strong 2-2 tie vibes.

 

Ivory Coast v. Ecuador

6:00 PM Central, Da Linc (Philly)

 

Sweden v. Tunisia

9:00 PM Central, Monterrey

 

FINALLY,

Stanley Cup Final – Game 6

 Las Vegas (trails 2-3) @ [INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK] – 7:00

 

That’s it for me. Gotta lie down.

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134 Comments
Wakezilla

So what team is going to call Brighton & Hove Albion F.C. and overpay for Yasin Ayari?

0
Wakezilla

This has gone from a football match to the Third Punic War. Tunisia thought they were playing a game, while Sweden showed up for a siege

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

UPDATE FROM DC:

That flyover was so low it shook my fucking house.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I supposed there’s no chance that was the Iranian Air Force?

4
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do they have B1s?

And EVERY post in the DC subreddit from the last 20 minutes is about how loud it is. https://www.reddit.com/r/washingtondc/

I’m going to sleep now but imagine I’ll wake up when they start launching fireworks at the end of the UFC trash party.

1
Horatio Cornblower

/Watches Gyokeres try a bicycle kick while up 3-1 and land flat on the small of his back

OK, I think that’s enough for Arsenal’s leading goal scorer for the past season, (one in which, if you didn’t already know, Arsenal won the Premier League), time for a substitution.

4
Horatio Cornblower

I do enjoy how 2 of Sweden’s 3 goals have been scored by folks who don’t exactly fit the traditional definition of what a Swede looks like.

Fuck off, right-wingers.

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Are they wingers or forwards?

/s

0
Horatio Cornblower

Your next beer shipment is going to be the two cans of Coors I’ve had in my possession for well over 30 years.

Good luck.

1
herodotus450

Eh I bet you guys have been booing Bettman for so long you’ve forgotten why you even do it. League-wide revenue is up, and hardly any NHL owners’ sex scandals have made the news, unlike other leagues (Donald Sterling, Richard Kraft), what more could you ask of a sprots commissioner?

1
Mr. Ayo

Have you already forgotten about the smoldering crater of Arizona “hockey?”

3
herodotus450

Thats just the free market in action, baby!

1
Horatio Cornblower

That was an dumpster fire outside of an abortion clinic, yet somehow still hilarious.

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh come on, everything smolders in Arizona at this time of year.

1
Horatio Cornblower

/loads gun while reviewing Hartford Wolfpack season ticket package

Sorry, you were saying?

2
Wakezilla

That Swedish goal hit Tunisia harder than Fall of Carthage

2
Horatio Cornblower

ARSENAL REPRESENTED!!!

(although, while Gjokeres has played well, that was an apocalyptic fuck up by the Tunisian defender)

1
WCS

Cool that Jordan Staal gets to hoist Stanley again.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Is it? Is it really?

3
Mr. Ayo

Of course International Disgrace Gary Bettman had to ruin this celebration.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

4
Horatio Cornblower

Satan cannot open up the ground beneath Bettman and haul his rat-faced screeching ass down to the 9th level of Hell soon enough for me.

4
Sharkbait

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

3
WCS

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2
blaxabbath

Wonder if MAGA Jay Feely will be celebrating the end of the war with by raping some teenage sex trafficking victims like his savior, Donald Trump.

I don’t Wonder. Jsy Feeley is absolutely a child rapist.

3
WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgvfZPdrk4g

2
Wakezilla

I would happily accept a 40 team league if the NHL brings back the Hartford Whalers and the Quebec Nordiques

5
Horatio Cornblower

Same. Never happen though. I’ll be in Quebec in a couple of weeks and will likely buy some Nordiques gear out of solidarity. Absolutely hated those fuckers in the old Adams Division days.

4
BC Dick

None of it is about fans. It’s chasing big corporate money and public funding for mega stadiums to increase their net worth. It’s all terrible

1
Horatio Cornblower

Welcome to sports.

0
Wakezilla

Now that DFO doesn’t crash on me, my fellow lesser footy Kreators, what are ya planning this week?

1
ballsofsteelandfury

World Cup. MUNDIAL. Repeat.

3
Horatio Cornblower

I have two weeks until til my first two week vacation in, (takes off shoes, unzips pants), 32 years, so I’ll have my head down at work, furiously working to make sure everything is shipshape before I leave.

And by that I mean “watching the World Cup and making dick jokes whlle lining up younger attorneys to be my fall guys the first two weeks of July”

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

120 Minutes Playlist Project Update: I’ve begun the year 1994. This coincides with the second half of my senior year of high school, so there’s a ton of stuff on here that I love. And while I’ve been aware of Rocket From the Crypt for a long time, I don’t remember this one at all, and it fucking rocks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyiwWYRCiAs

0
WCS

The guy in the foreground looks like Smash Mouth’s lead singer.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

3
jjfozz

this available on Spotify? sounds like a killer playlist

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll mail you a thumb drive with as much of the collection as I currently have – DM me your address.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Also mother’s maiden name, name of first pet, and SSN.

For…reasons.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For real though, I bought a ten-pack of 32 GB thumb drives for this exact reason.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Oh my god I graduated in law school in 1994.

You can just go straight to Hell.

2
WCS

Regardless of how the hawkey game ends, Lowratio’s in a for a rough night.

0
Horatio Cornblower

He’s safe. Can’t stand Vegas or Carolina, so my focus has been on the World Cup, the Yankees, and the chances of a meteor plowing into Vegas or Raleigh, (but not Hippo’s house), during the series. Really haven’t watched much of the finals.

1
Wakezilla

That finish was more decisive than Battle of Narva

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GOLAZO!

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

This picture will end up in history books. Not unlike Leni Riefenstahl’s work.

https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/c_fill,q_auto:eco,w_1560,h_1044/rockcms/2026-06/260614-UFC-white-house-ww-1742-8b7225.avif

0
Redshirt

Say what you want about President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho but at least he cared about his country and his people.

7
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’d say this is AI slot if not for the zillion other pics of it being built

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Needs more lasers.

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Last edited 3 hours ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
2
WCS

Needs more Smokin’ Jay.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Having half-naked sweaty men rolling around on the White House lawn is such a touching representation of Pride Month.

3
Senor Weaselo

Ikeas! Dizzy Gillespies! WHO YA GOT?

0
Redshirt

Update: Momshirt is starting to make jokes about Donald Trump. Either her boyfriend has been deprogramming her, or even she has her limits.

9
Senor Weaselo

Ivory Coast 90th minute goal?
https://youtu.be/4DqDGY9pa08

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I saw they are abbreviated as “CIV” and figured they are Dok’s preferred underdog this year.

1
jjfozz

Me to Mrs. Fozz: “Look, I didn’t get axed because of my attitude or bad relationships with my coworkers. This isn’t the Fozz Asshole when I was 32.”

Mrs. Fozz: “Okay. You sure?”

Me: “Well, I’m an asshole at 57, but not as bad as when I was 32.”

Mrs. Fozz: “Well . . . I guess that’s true.”

7
Redshirt

The difference between the two is the wife seeing you come home early and the wife getting a phone call saying you need bail money.

6
Horatio Cornblower

The CIV coach has some serious ups.

3
jjfozz

Back from a week in Bahamas. Catch up on work emails. “Hey Fozz, I know we said we’d keep you on to July 1, but your last day is June 16. You’ll have to burn all your vacation days to continue to get paid.”

“Dear boss,

I understand the tough position you’re in, and you’ve been a great mentor. After you finish sucking my balls, go down to the beach with a sledgehammer and pound all that sand directly up your ass. You suppurating hemorrhoid on the ass of an elephant.”

12
BrettFavresColonoscopy

DC UPDATE: I saw lightning outside.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Fights have been delayed at least an hour. My understanding is that every lightning strike within 6 miles delay it another 30 minutes.

Too bad. Bummer, even.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

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Mr. Ayo

Haha, eat shit Hart!

0
Senor Weaselo

“No, I said breast milk.” -Josh Hart

2
herodotus450

People forget that Cote D’Ivoire is actually so named because of their famous soap factories.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

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Last edited 4 hours ago by ballsofsteelandfury
2
Brick Meathook

Hey Ivory Snow where do you think those babies come from? Trees?

1
Horatio Cornblower

/shudders in Greg Abbott

0
litre_cola

Will there be flagellation breaks at the Saudi World Cup?

3
Wakezilla

There better be because that’s the whole reason why I’d go

2
Gatoraids

well running the wishbone or at least breaking a wishbone only chance Jets have so seems valid

0
blaxabbath

Imagine being the first trillionaire but all you’re known for is being too weird for the Epstein Island Crü.

6
Horatio Cornblower

You’re not a trillionaire if liquidating all the assets making you a trillionaire instantly rendered those assets worthless.

6
BC Dick

48 teams across 3 countries. Mainly USA. $150 train fares. Extra advertising breaks. We all know what this is, the World Cup has jumped the shark.
Give it 5 years and all the leagues will have highly profitable playoff games with in-game sponsored interviews.
Once the USA gets a hold of your sport it won’t let go until it’s squeezed every last penny out of it

5
ballsofsteelandfury

Hockey is still the best sport in the world .

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re a traitor to Aussie rules footy

3
ballsofsteelandfury

I stand corrected.

2
litre_cola

Its the fucking hydration breaks in climate controlled facilities which drives me nuts. Fucking commercial breaks is what it is. Fuck them all

5
ballsofsteelandfury

The Telemundo crew explained during the game in Houston that they have to take them because every other game held outdoors has to take them. It would not be fair that some get breaks and others don’t.

That said, having played the game, I can tell you that playing in 80% humidity sucks big balls and I would have LOVED to have hydration breaks every half.

4
litre_cola

Was your comment sponsored by Draft Kings?

GAMBLE MORE!

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Caliente

Gotta support your local cartel…

Last edited 4 hours ago by ballsofsteelandfury
1
litre_cola

They are on my Puebla kits!

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

UPDATE FROM DC:

It isn’t storming yet, but the President’s big boy birthday party UFC fights are delayed by an hour due to the threat of thunderstorms. Fingers crossed the high winds blow his stupid hair right off his stupider head and then he gets hit by lightning.

10
Horatio Cornblower

Part of me wants to tune in, for the non-zero chance that Kegsbreath has one or eight too many and storms the octagon, demanding to fight the winner, then gets absolutely waffled.

I’d really despise myself for missing that.

3
Fronkenshteen

The Ivory Coast bench is pretty loaded: Amad Diallo (Man U), Simon Adingra (Sunderland), Ibrahim Sangare (Nottingham Forest), Evann Guessand (Aston Villa). Coach must be a piece of work.

0
Horatio Cornblower

With any good luck I’ll be in the same shape in a couple of hours.

3
WCS

Here’s a completely off-topic question, but one I’ve been meaning to ask, and always forget (again):

Did anyone ever go to, host, or know someone who had candle parties in the ’90s?

I’m genuinely curious if anyone else was ever exposed to one of these.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

What’s a candle party?

2
herodotus450

I think its a typo, he meant Key Party.

2
scotchnaut

This is the biggest, fattest “No” I’ve ever thrown at someone. WTF?

2
Mr. Ayo

Never even heard of them.

1
WCS

Basically, it was/is multi-level marketing ploys to have your mom, aunt, whoever, have all her friends over to talk about how great a particular brand of candles (usually PartyLite), and have the friends buy some, or sign up themselves to become a “brand ambassador,” but in ’90s lingo.

My mom had a few at their house, and went to a couple others at friends’. Luckily, mom never got roped in and became a psycho with it. For her, it was an excuse to have people over and drink bottles of wine for hours.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh my mom did Tupperware parties and some other cookware MLM parties, but I don’t think the candle ones made their way to our burb.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Exactly.

Mrs. Horatio and her friends would get a keg around Mother’s Day, invite all their guy friends over, then make them buy stuff for their mothers.

2
yeah right

My wife did that and called it Mary Kay.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Oh there’s as many variation of this particular MLM scam as there are positions in the Kama Sutra.

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

We have some party light stuff. It’s okay, if it the stuff I’m thinking as it comes out at Christmas. Thankfully Mrs didn’t get into it much

0
Gumbygirl

I went to one of those. It was called Lunts Lights, or something like that. I drank all the wine, bought one tiny candle ( which I still have, lol) and never went to another.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Mrs. Horatio is familiar with them, yes.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hangovers over 40 suck

1
litre_cola

It gets worse.

5
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Booooooooooooo

0
Mr. Ayo

2 day hangovers are such bullshit

5
Mr. Ayo

Like, why do have to suffer even more at work on Monday because I had the daring, the temerity, the gual, to have a few drinks Saturday night?

I’ve already suffered all of Sunday, there’s no need to extend this you stupid body. I’ll file a formal complaint tomorrow if I ever recover.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Wait until 50’s in the rear view.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

That’s why I hardly drink anymore. Not worth the hassle.

1
Horatio Cornblower

3 beers, max. 2 mixed drinks, max.

Anything more and the whole next day is fucked.

1
Gumbygirl

Exactly. Weed never hurts me.

0
litre_cola

I feel the Ivorians are going to surprise the Sud Americanos here

0
Don T

All-Ecuador crew in Telemundo. Midliners 1 – 0 Ivorisns.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’ll see if it holds, but it sounds like Trump was so desperate to announce a deal with Iran during his trailer park jamboree that he just gave away the entire store, up to but also possibly including for each member of the IRGC to get a turn with his daughter.

5
Dunstan

Yeah, but he’s such a tough negotiator that he insisted on getting videos of it.

3
blaxabbath

Trump had used her up by 16.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Joke’s on them, ha ha! He didn’t specify *which* daughter.

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0
scotchnaut

What a cracker of a game!

2
yeah right

Holy shit.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

DON T RADAMUS!!

4
Mr. Ayo

Impressive!

4
WCS

Definitely read that as, “Don’t radamus,” and was very cornfused.

0
Mr. Ayo

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2
yeah right

Corker of a match this.

1
litre_cola

Started like shite. Much better.

2
litre_cola

This is very reminiscent of the Korea Czech game. Snoozefest 1st half then electric in the 2nd.

2
yeah right

The Cubs vs Giants game is being broadcast on national TV so I set it to record.

Watched the first half of Netherlands against Japan then at halftime thought I could catch a bit of baseball.

They were showing the LA Pride parade and broadcast that event over the first 3 innings of the Cubs game.

I’m not upset that they aired the Pride parade, I’m in full support but don’t broadcast over the top of a national broadcast mlb game where my team is playing.

Not cool.

3
Horatio Cornblower

I also support Pride month, and gay rights generally, but if I wanted to see a Pride parade I would go to the parade. That goes for any parade, for that matter.

I’m with Yeah Right; don’t preempt my sports for a frigging parade.

2
Don T

Will make an ice cream run at halftime #Wellness #🥴

5
litre_cola

This game has started very slowly. Deci and I are in the bunker today for the whole day. Have soda pop, and Puerto Rican snaxx!

7
Senor Weaselo

Damn, 7-1? That’s rough.

I was almost late to my gig thanks to the PR Parade afterparty and the Knicks after-afterparty traffic on the Cross Bronx. I did not see a single on-fire car!

7
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“That’s right, you didn’t see NOTHIN’.”

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Last edited 6 hours ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
5
ballsofsteelandfury

LOVE the SpongeBob meme!

Yes, Holanda v Japón va a estar buenísimo.

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