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Flaccid Week One Thread (Plus EPL Fury)

King Hippo

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I am typing this while watching UMass at Rutgers.  Yes, I know that’s some sicker-than-sickos shit.  Ha ha, YES!

Everton completely shat the bed at the end of the transfer window.  Yet even then, people aren’t angry enough, because they don’t share my shame at bringing the Drunk Uncle Jack circus back to town.  It’s not what a serious football club would so much as CONSIDER, let alone plan their season around.  But here we go, bullet train to 17th.  One Pickford groin pull (PHRASING) away from relegation.

Elsewhere, I don’t really comprehend why City of Men would risk starting their new era off by adding such a mega-cunt like Enzo.  That Ayyoub kid is the truth (regardless of age), and their dogwalking of Palace (matchweek two) convinced me that no major surgery was really warranted.  But they paid through the nose, and we’ll watch THEIR circus now.

Bournemoth away to Geordie Arabia may not be worth waking up for (7:30, USA), at least not on purpose.  But I will no doubt be up no later than 6 or 6:30, because fuck my life.

A robust 5-pack awaits in the 10:00 window (USA/Peacock), and I’d say the most likely competitive/even matchups are Praise Beesus hosting Sunderland (shout out to NuFan DonT!!), or Leeds away to Brighton.  I think USA is showing the City/Coventry snuff film, though.

The Runaway Freight Train That Is Hull City Semi-Darnolded Tigers get a Matchweek Three Spotlight Dance!  Hapless and desperate Villa come to town (12:30, NBC) and this is truly fascinating, must watch TV.  If I heard correctly, Villa have failed to register a shot on target in their first two COMPLETE MATCHES.  In Emery one trusts, but man.  That is some stanky shit.

Other matches follow on the morrow, such as Wakezilla’s homeys kicking Threadbare and Disappointing Everton in the genital region.  Meh.

You’ve heard how terrible Week 1 of JV ball is, now we get to see for ourselves, firsthand!

Niiiiice Beaver (+20.5) at JV 500s (Noon, ESPN)

Seriously, you had to make TWO West Coast squadrons endure a Noon EST kickoff?  That’s some janky shenanigans.  Anyway, the 500s should be sneaky good, Oregon State another year hollowed out.

East Cakalaky (+28.5) at Roll Damn Tide (Noon, ABC)

You’ll know Bama is in real trouble this season, if you find yourself clicking to this game after 1p or so.  I hate the Pie-rats, but they can sometimes be pesky, especially offensively.

North Texas (+40.5) at Indiana (Noon, Fox)

Wasn’t North Texas good last year, Hippo?  Well, yes they was Other Hippo.  But all but 2 of their coaches and like 3 or 4 players are in Stillwater now.  They ass.  Full congrats to Coach Cignetti on the deserved national title, but SHAME upon him for his cowardly scheduling practices.

Boise State (+24.5) at Oregon (3:30, CBS)

Ashton Jeanty ain’t walking through that door, CBS.  You done got a turd on your hands.  Hey, at least the cheerleaders will be hot.

Bay-Bay (+7.5) v. War Damn Eagle at Megatron’s Butthole (3:30, ABC)

Holy shit, y’all!  A real motherfucking contest!!  The Consent Abstinent are facing a do or die season (at least for the coaching staff), while New Pussy is already in town On The Plains.  I suspect this one will be a bonafide shootout, and excellent viewing for the neutral.

Bahstan Cawledge (+7.5) at Team WKRP (3:30, Fox)

How much action y’all reckon Brendan Sorsby has on this thrilling matchup?  The Buttchinski Era ain’t going so good, even by BC/ACC standards.  Assuming this one ain’t competitive, one expects the firing will be inevitable, perhaps even imminent.  FOAR SHAME, school for which Molly McGrath once cheerled.

Nap advice?  FUCK IT, whenever the fuck it strikes your fancy.  Take multiples if you can.  Again with teh PHRASING.

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118 Comments
Brick Meathook

Hey I drove around a lake today! Well not completely around it but mostly around it, I drove across a bridge just downstream of the dam, which is on the south end of the lake, and then I drove along upstream of the dam, I guess mostly on the west side, because I thought I crossed the dam to the east side but I didn’t, I was actually on a peninsula on the west side, and then I drove along the far west side, but not all the way to the northern head of the lake, but then I came out onto main roads about oh I’d say about halfway up the west side. So I guess I didn’t drive around the lake, per se, which means “by itself,” “in itself,” or “intrinsically” but I guess I just drove along part of the southwestern part and there were houses in between the road and the lake so I couldn’t really tell most of the time if the lake was still there bit then *poof* it would appear through a break in the fairly dense trees. This of course was right after I went to the German store.

NEXT: Brick goes to a German store

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ballsofsteelandfury

Lemme guess: you were NOT in LA.

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Brick Meathook

Lake + German store = clearly It’s Lake Barcroft in Northern Virginia. That was obvious.

I’m back in L.A. 9/10 to 9/17 for a dentist appointment, to remodel a bathroom, and to snort coke off some middle-aged former supermodels. DJ TAJ suggested a pow wow so I’m up for that too. I can tell you more about the lake then if you’d like.

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King Hippo

ask which aisle the Zyklon B is on. I’m sure they will agree that’s pretty funny.

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scotchnaut

I post dumb shit on some other place. One of the posters loves him the Oregon Ducks. Whenever they’re losing I call them the Oregon Trails-needless to say, I’m having some fun today.

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King Hippo

WHORE!

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Fronkenshteen

Irrespective of the horrific nature of the leaked details of his domestic abuse video, the news that Josh Jacobs’s court date was bumped from November to September has created a palpable excitement in the fantasy football community that angers me and makes me want to punch someone in the face. A fearless moral inventory reveals, however, that someone is probably me.
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Last edited 1 day ago by Fronkenshteen
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King Hippo

EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES, I am getting stupid emergency service alerts, interruping the sounds of FITBAW. It’s not even tornadoes and shit, just bullshit thunderstorm warnings. I get it, I can see that it’s been cloudy all day.

/hoping WCS can use his insider status to DUE SOMETHING, thanks Obama!!!!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

120 Minutes Playlist Project: I have no idea why MTV waited until 1995 to play a video for a song that was released in 1983, but it’s a good one, so it’s going into the highlight package.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRGRsYg_fro

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Don T

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Trying out the methadone.
Question: what are those six dots to the left of EastCarolina and to the right of Alabama?

Last edited 1 day ago by Don T
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WCS

Just decoration. Don’t mean anything.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As a fan of Scrabble, I’m duty-bound to root for the Belgian player BLOCKX here.

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Don T

That’s a proper name! Maybe I misread and you happen to be a fan of Total Anarchy Scrabble.

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Redshirt

He did it again! He through the stop sign ran out of the endzone, stopped on the 1 and then restarted and got tackled on the 10.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Monica Seles: very talented at tennis. Not very talented at ADR.

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Gumbygirl

Way to stab her in the back, Rikki.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I may owe her an apology – the problem might have been with my ESPN feed.

Wait a minute. ESPN is the one who owes her an apology, not me.

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Horatio Cornblower

How did I miss this, all those afternoons skipping school and watching garbage television?

https://bsky.app/profile/sitcompeople.bsky.social/post/3murqphwlk52b

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Horatio Cornblower

Teri Hatcher on the lower right! They’re real, and they’re spectacular!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not spectacular enough for her to get drafted, apparently.

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Fronkenshteen

A couple of nights ago standing alone in my room, I suddenly said, out loud, “TYRA BANKS!” like “what the hell is wrong with me?”

4
Gumbygirl

On Gumby’s first boat, there was a guy who wore hoodies with the hood up and the strings tied tight so all you could see was the center of his face. He looked like the Unabomber. We had a Halloween party and almost everybody came as him. Years later, we were trying to think of his name, but neither of us could. It drove us crazy for days. Probably at least a week later, if not more I sat up in bed at like three in the morning and shouted ” Bain!” After that, whenever we couldn’t remember something, when it finally came to us we said Bain! I still do it.

Last edited 1 day ago by Gumbygirl
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Redshirt

Okay, um, either OSU’s offensive line needs to work on pickup in the delayed blitz or they are trying to get their QB killed.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS CHINESE TENNIS PLAYER ZHENG I CALL HER HER HOME COUNTRY’S SITUATION AS A RESULT OF THE CLOSURE OF THE HORMUZ STRAIT BECAUSE SHE IS RUNNING OUT OF GAS.

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herodotus450

Tennis is banned in China because all love must be centrally planned by the state.

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WCS

One-serve policy?

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Don T

🏆

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This aged well.

Zheng came back from 5-0 in the final set to win 1-6, 7-6, 7-5.

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Horatio Cornblower

So a Reverse Jon Benet Ramsey?

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Redshirt

AH! North Texas just tried to rip off Indiana’s QB’s head. He’s literally on bleeding the field.

Last edited 1 day ago by Redshirt
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WCS

Just saw it. Ouchie.

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ballsofsteelandfury

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scotchnaut

Is Danielle Smith-the Premier of Alberta-into some BDSM? Because Indiana is spanking North Texas.

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King Hippo

Still waiting for BC Dick and Litre to get off the road, and tell the full story of IMPOSTOR LARRY.

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Horatio Cornblower

It’s a quick Canadian road trip, so we should hear from them no later than Monday.

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Redshirt

Hey, Chris Henry’s son is finally on the field. Nice!

May he be like his father on the field and not like his father off the field.

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King Hippo

They should have done a pre-game pickup truck giveaway.

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WCS

Oh bite me.

Take your +1.

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Horatio Cornblower

Taking advantage of Mrs. Cornblower being out showing a property, (sidenote: anyone looking for a cottage on the Connecticut River, reasonably priced, please DM me), to vacuum the downstairs, because what kind of a savage vacuums when anyone else is home?

/crosses ‘make powerful enemy’ off ‘list of things to do today’

Last edited 1 day ago by Horatio Cornblower
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blaxabbath

What’s the Connecticut River lifestyle?

Fishing? I assume it’s a river that has water.

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Horatio Cornblower

Based on past experience at this property, (owned by a friend who, as is tradition with aging Connecticututians, has moved to Florida), it involves getting mind-bogglingly drunk in front of a roaring bonfire and somehow not tumbling off the dock and drowning.

Also boating.

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scotchnaut

“You’re gonna Die Son. See what I did there?”

-Anon, somewhere in California

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Taking advantage of Mrs. Cornblower…

[rubs hands together creepily]

…being out showing a property,

Oh. Yeah. Sounds like a nice day of having the house to yourself.

[shuffles off, kicks rock]

Last edited 1 day ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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WCS

4th and 33? JV NFL BLITZ!

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Redshirt

Freshman ran past the stop sign by the Senior blocker (and the Senior blocker), runs the ball seven yards out of endzone and get tackled at the 16.

Enjoy the bench!

Last edited 1 day ago by Redshirt
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The real problem here is the senior blocker’s negative attitude.

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WCS

14-0 Cousinfuckers 2:14 left in the first.

What’s Hippo SPEEKE for Coastal Carolina?

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King Hippo

I mean, given they’s the Chanticleers, you have to recall another character(s) from Canterbury Tales. Which Hippo does nae.

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Horatio Cornblower

I somehow got through my entire life without having read The Canterbury Tales.

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King Hippo

I mean, it really was kind of funny. And certainly….ribald by the standards of required high school literature.

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yeah right

I found them very entertaining once you got used to the old English vernacular.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…entire life…

[checks calendar]

“Huh, tomorrow? That really crept up on me.”

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Last edited 1 day ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Horatio Cornblower

I knew the risks when I made the vacuum crack. This one’s on me.

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WCS

Coastal Carolina Prioresses?

Now 17-0

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King Hippo

I know WCS would be sufficiently well-read!

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Gumbygirl

The story was in The Nun’s Priest’s Tale.

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King Hippo

Like Mo Sizlak, I strongly prefer NO FUNERAL. But if there is one, I think I will have my will stipulate this be played:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INnFvMgET1E

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Horatio Cornblower

The ‘No Dying’ DFO codicil makes that a moot point, no?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That song was surprisingly hard to find for the 120 Minutes Playlist Project.

1
scotchnaut

I think I’ve mentioned something along these same lines before but a restaurant asked for a special item that we don’t usually carry. They opened up the case and then sent it right back with the driver (he didn’t bother to call the office)

Does anyone have a recipe for 15lbs of oxtails? I’m going to make a Jamaican curry thingy with some goat as well so maybe it’ll just be 12lbs. Oxtail soup? Oxtail bolognese?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I had oxtail soup dumplings somewhere and now I really wish I could remember where because they were fucking phenomenal and I want to eat them right now.

But I’m happy with my Peruvian chicken, too.

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herodotus450

Get yourself a stew goin, baby, should only take a few dozen hours for those suckers to get tender

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Horatio Cornblower

Never had oxtail anything, but from what I’ve read, (unlike, say, ‘The Canterbury Tales’), that’s something I need to remedy.

1
scotchnaut

With extra twerking!

1
Redshirt

Update: it appears the wish that was made to the gypsy, genie or some other mythical spirit was not limited to the 2025-26 season.

TD Indiana

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King Hippo

In all seriousness, the “have nots” of this era appear to be glorified high school squadrons at present. Pistol whippings aplenty today.

1
Redshirt

The NIL rights have turned College Football into a macro version of MLB. It has introduced parity between the upper tiers, but most of the schools that don’t have a large budget or rich boosters are really being left behind.

2
2Pack

After that egg they laid last week Marika is hoping Napoli gets back on track here tonight against Inter (just underway).

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Redshirt

Suddenly risking $50 a week in sports betting seems reasonable by comparison.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t know who that is but I hope his fiancee has an excellent divorce lawyer pre-lined up

3
Redshirt

Ohio football is serious business. In the videos of people reacting to the Bengals breaking the Curse of Bo Jackson in the ’21 playoffs, there is a clip of a group of men at a Wedding Reception looking at a phone and celebrating. There is no video evidence of someone celebrating at the altar during the ceremony or at a funeral, but I won’t say there is a non-zero chance that happened.

Last edited 1 day ago by Redshirt
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King Hippo

Non-shotgun weddings during FITBAW season are an abomination.

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Gumbygirl

I got married during FITBAW season, but it was a Friday evening.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Who would schedule a funeral during a Bengals playoff game? Seems kind of redundant.

3
Redshirt

Its actually poetic. That way the Bengals can let them down one final time.

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Horatio Cornblower

She should break off the engagement immediately. It’ll save time.

2
WCS

Well, let’s go Mountaineers, I guess.

0
Redshirt

Oh my BLEERGH, it wasn’t a video game induced fever dream, Indiana actually won the National Championship last year?!

0
scotchnaut

The song that I couldn’t think of during Rikki’s “3” themed post? It finally came to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNYcviXK4rg

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Horatio Cornblower

I actually considered that but wasn’t sure the band name qualified, then I got distracted by something shiny and took the night off the internet.

1
Redshirt

OSU -50 – O/U 55.5 = Projected Score Ohio State 50 – Ball State 5.5

I can see where the money is going on the latest installment of the eternal question: Balls vs. Nuts.

1
blaxabbath

The Remade Pac-12 is as good as every other recent remake:

Moana
Department of Defense/War
Jim Carrey

4
WCS

Lake of America
Gulf of America (I expect Herr Orange to rename it “Golf of America” after the midterm; to ‘pwn tha libz!!1! lol)

1
Redshirt

The Democratic National Committee after every election loss.

2
King Hippo

What if I were to tell you…that Hippo…

was NOT well-qualified to represent the LBC?

1
scotchnaut

Lesbian Board of Chancellors? I thought that was a given.

4
Redshirt

I still don’t understand why the hatred. We believe in the same thing!

3
Horatio Cornblower

I’m the Treasurer, and all I did was trade in an Outback for a Crosstrek.

1
SonOfSpam

Even when you’re on the microphone with Ras-M.G.?

2
Redshirt

Even Mother Nature is ready for football to return, based on the random severe thunderstorm that popped up over my home at 6AM and suddenly dissipated after it passed.

(reaches for strategic Energy Drink supply)

GO BUCKEYES! GO BEARCATS!

1
Horatio Cornblower

Coventry thought they were people there for about 20 minutes, but then Haaland brought back Lindisfarne and now order appears to be restored.

1
Don T

Good morning, off to a work meeting, fuck the bees.
Had a great breakfast: coffee + hot dog
#Obligatorio
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Brick Meathook

Back in 1996 this was the very first Onion article I was exposed to. I didn’t know it existed before that.

0
King Hippo

Just for funsies, City of Men should play HULK SMASH at centre-half from time to time

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you like civilized sports or want to pretend you do in order to get in good with the Connecticut crowd, there’s all kinds of fun tennis matches going on today. Sadly, that won’t include the Williams sisters, who had a 5-0 lead in the third set tiebreaker and then blew it.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I suspect a fair amount of the Connecticut tennis crowd thinks tennis has gotten a little too “ethnic” lately if you know what they mean, and you know exactly what they mean.

Too many Belarussians.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of which, the “Ova” Bowl is on ESPN right now.

0
Fronkenshteen

PIROE! Hammers up 1-0!
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King Hippo

bad luck FOAR Black Cats here

0
Sharkbait

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Fronkenshteen

Well, there’s my sign from above. I’d been on the fence about adding Pascal Gross to my 10:00 lottery-ticket-goal-scorer-parlay all morning. He’s 6/1, which seems high for a guy who takes direct kicks.

1
Sharkbait

Happy to help. I’ll send you my venmo when he scores

1
Fronkenshteen

new phone. who dis?

3
Fronkenshteen

My EFL Championship picks are so hilariously bad. 22nd place Stoke was up 4-0 on 2nd place Charlton Athletic at halftime. Guess who I picked?
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Last edited 1 day ago by Fronkenshteen
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King Hippo

Betting the C-ship is hard as fuck. I could never get the balance right.

1
Fronkenshteen

So many games! So close together! It’s like each team has a complete attitude and personality change from week-to-week.

1
scotchnaut

So I heard a story on the Dan LeBatard show that made me laugh out loud-

There was a fantasy league of sports media heavy hitters (Bill Simmons, Cousin Sal and also Jon Hamm!) and the winner every year had the right to throw a guy out of the league as they assembled for the following year’s draft.

So Dave Dameshek (host of Football America) takes the league one year and then gets Fred Lynn (Bill Simmons childhood hero) to record a video telling Simmons he’s been tossed from the league. #diabolical

6
litre_cola

545, setting off for beautiful Regina Sasky

1
King Hippo

Gonna see Larry??

0
litre_cola

Our buddy who went as Larry who Balls, Zymm, Nikki, Spam, YR have met yes but real Larry no.

1
King Hippo

wait…we had an IMPOSTOR Larry???

1
LemonJello

On purpose?

1
scotchnaut

“I love the smell of marinara in the morning!”

/will wifey and her friend get this reference?
//just how long will it take to process 150lbs of San Marzano tomatoes anyway?

1
King Hippo

Remind them that one of your kitchen implements don’t surf and prepare to be extra disappointed!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there any better way to start the day than acting out scenes from Apocalypse Now?

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

willing to “store” some here if you run out of room at yours

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