CrimeBeat!: Isn’t This Where We Came In? Edition

Jeebus Cripes. As Albert Einstein (probably never) said, “When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.” And somehow the last year feels like a little bit of both. As Our Glorious Leader previously noted, it is a time of anniversaries for DFO. The Founding Stepfathers established this site more than a year ago as a place to get away from the Uproxxiots but still talk funny football. But soon after, it became a refuge, like Noah building an ark, but for dick jokes instead of animals. And like Noah, the Founding Stepfathers were later found drunk, passed out and naked. See, the metaphor works!

Anyway, by my accounting it was a year ago this weekend that the final nails were driven into the coffin of our former Beloved Home, a.k.a. The Crappening. I snuck back over to gaze upon the ruins yesterday, and I did not weep. With the benefit of knowing that this wonderful group of bastards and reprobates have kept the spirit alive and growing, I can look back now and appreciate the artistry with which Ape, Trevor, PFTCommenter and the others burned the place to the ground, pissed on the ashes and then mixed the resulting slurry into Bud Light to make a horrifying smoothie for Our Uproxx Overlords to quaff. I still miss their style, but I never would have even considered writing if this place a. didn’t exist, and b. wasn’t so open to the clumsy fumblings of assholes like me, like the slutty girl freshman year of high school. So once again, Three Cheers for the Glorious Leader, long may she reign, and the Founding Stepfathers, may Bleergh deal gently with them.

Oh, and Foxboro delenda est.

BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM

CHARGE: Being nonlinear without a permit.

Seriously though, I feel like we could delve into the archives of those early posts and Melania a pretty good series of ‘new’ articles.

1. Brady again looks to be suspended for the first four games.

2. The Dolphins still spent big for questionable defensive line help.

3. Ryan Fitzpatrick looks to be the Jets’ starting quarterback due to Geno Smith’s condition (although you probably won’t see an injury report reading “Doubtful- Sucks Donkey Balls”).

4. Jeff Fisher is inexplicably still the Rams’ coach and they are still in a city that doesn’t care about them.

5. Le’Veon Bell and Martavi(u)s Bryant are both suspended again, both for missing drug tests .

6. Greg Hardy is still a sack of shit, and Aldon Smith is still suspended.

7. Mothers still use stories of the Houston “Texans” to frighten their children into behaving. And so on.

Yes, there are a few new twists. Peyton has ridden off into the sunset, though between the HGH issue and endorsement deals that will keep him in ads until six years after he’s dead (“Hey, Peyton’s Corpse, have you tried our new Goat Cheese and Urine Pizza?”) he is still very much in the public consciousness. Josh Gordon is technically not barred from playing professional football (although see below). Russell Wilson can stop lying about not having sex with Ciara.

But seriously. The only real differences are: 1. The bike-riding, crime-fighting duo of The Ryan Boys are going to pedal the Bills to playoff glory. 2. Not every conversation about rookies references crab legs, and 3. Baylor is the Giant Cesspit College Program instead of Florida State. Other than that, we are stuck in the same loop, my friends.

None of this wibbly wobbly, timey wimey shit. I like my timelines like I like my women: linear and ontologically non-paradoxical.

JOSH GORDON

CHARGE: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh Josh. God just does not want you on a football field, does He? In case you missed it, High Times’ Oppressed Toker of the Year Josh Gordon was finally reinstated after serving his…um…fourth substance-abuse suspension? Fifth? He’s got a four-gamer to start the season, but is that separate from his last one? Did I count the codeine one?

https://frinkiac.com/gif/S06E15/581613/587869.gif?b64lines=U1RPUCEgU1RPUCEgSGUncyBhbHJlYWR5IGRlYWQh

Whatever. Goodell finally relented and released Gordon into the wilds of Berea, Ohio for training camp. Things are finally looking a tiny bit brighter, eh Browns fan? The RNC Comedy Roadshow finally left town, the river didn’t catch fire live on national TV, Robert Griffin has an old friend to throw to for 12 games…perhaps mediocrity is finally within your grasp?

Gordon allegedly showed up to camp with a quad injury that will keep him out of action for “a couple of weeks”. A couple of weeks for a quad means it was reasonably serious. Good thing he’ll have those four games off to rest it after he re aggravates it in a meaningless preseason game. He supposedly injured it while working out independently, which I think we can safely assume looked something like this:

Adam Savage Says: Don’t Exercise While Under the Influence

Seriously though, in retrospect I am glad the Cavaliers won, because otherwise I might feel bad for piling on. I was just hoping that someone would set up a photo op for Trump at the last remaining manufacturing plant in Cleveland.

MONKEY SHOULDER

Charge: Theft…of my heart

No, I don’t care that this doesn’t fit the crime theme, and I apologize to Make it Snow for encroaching on the edge of his turf, but I can no longer stay silent. I’m a scotch fan, but student loans and peasant-stock taste mean that I don’t indulge very often, and it’s not usually your The Macallan 25 Year. As a result, I have learned the following things:

1. If someone offers you a decent single malt, you drink it. Even if it’s not to your favorite (for example, not a huge Islay fan) it’s an interesting experience that can add to your knowledge and taste.
2. Unchillfiltered doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better, but you will likely get a more interesting experience. Plus, it’s less of a douchy way to be discriminating than being an Age Queen.
3. Don’t be a fucking snob. Scotch is like food: some is objectively better, but once you cross a certain point, it’s all down to individual taste. Scotch may actually be more subjective, since it’s an inherently unnatural proposition to drink the evaporated juice of cooked barley and microbe excrement. So try new things, try cheap things, try expensive things when you can, and don’t judge other people’s preferences. Unless they profess an undying love for Grant’s. They are tasteblind and you will be doing future generations a favor by removing their genes from the pool.

To the point though: I love Monkey Shoulder. It’s technically a blended scotch, but contains no neutral grain alcohol- it’s just three single malts combined, like if Captain Planet were made out alcohol instead of librul propaganda. It is smooth and vanilla-y and delicious, and comes in a bottle with three brass monkeys on it.

It is also about $25-30, which puts it comfortably in the Decent Bourbon price range. So you can get pleasantly tipsy without worrying overmuch about how much each dead brain cell cost you.

DR MRS MAYHEM SAYS: “Did you start the dishwasher?”

BRIAN COX SAYS: Don’t sweat it, but if you’re self-conscious about ordering scotch because Gaelic is a language invented by people who have been drinking too much scotch, here’s noted Scottish Person Brian Cox with helpful demonstrations of the proper pronunciation of a bunch of single malts.