DFO Insider: Remodeling

INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

The normally lavish office is in the middle of a remodel, with tarps covering the floor and masking tape applied strategically at various places.  Painting implements (cans, brushes, rollers) are positioned oddly throughout the room, hanging from the walls and stuck to the floor as though they have somehow become fused or melted to the surfaces.  A pair of sleazy Hollywood executives are behind the tarp-covered desk, peering at a laptop computer.  The screen displays a webpage that is mostly text but is partially blocked by a badly proportioned image of a sexy librarian.

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: [seated] It’s still there.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [standing, watching over his shoulder] Did you try clearing the cache?

DTZM: What’s that?

RTD: I dunno, I just hear people say that sometimes.

DTZM: [furrows his brow]

RTD: [reaches for the keyboard] Maybe if you just…

DTZM: [slaps his hand away] Knock it off!

RTD: [backs away, palms in the air, prepares to settle onto the couch]

DTZM: [glances up] Oh, hey, yeah, maybe you want to sit on the other end.  We were casting for the Barbarella reboot.

—[door flies open]—

YOU enter.

RTD: Oh, hey, you’re here.

DTZM: [makes an exaggerated show of checking his watch, with obvious intention that you’ll notice that it’s a special edition Apple Watch] In the future, at least try to be on time.

YOU: I was here!  Your secretary said you were in a meeting…

DTZM: [waves off your protest]  So as you can see, we’re making a few changes around here to spruce things up.

RTD: We’re trying to get things a little leaner for once the regular season starts.  Keep those liveblogs running nice and smooth.

DTZM: It’s something of a work in progress.  It’s gonna be great. [imitates Tim Kaine imitating Donald Drumpf] Believe me!

RTD: Ha ha ha!  It really is.  But our marketing guys thought it would be good to get a little feedback…

DTZM: A test screening, if you will.

RTD: …from John Q Public.  So we’d love to hear any thoughts you might have.

YOU: Great, cause I…

DTZM: [hands you a pen and some paper, puts a finger to your lips] …shh…it’s much sexier if you write them down.

RTD: Which brings us to another thing.  We’ve got season previews coming – starting on August 18 – and there’s a couple of teams that our egghead writers can’t seem to handle.

DTZM: So we’d like you to write them for us.

RTD: On spec.

DTZM: It’s your big change to break into the Hollywood writing scene!

YOU: Which teams?

RTD: The Indianapolis Colts, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the San Francisco 49ers.

DTZM: It’ll be fun!  Gravy shortages, Jameis Winston, hobos in the middle of the night in railroad switchyards…these things practically write themselves!

YOU: I guess, sure…

RTD: Great! [points to paper] Write it down.  We’ll need them in a couple of weeks.

DTZM: [hands you a fedora] Here’s your hat.

RTD: [ushering you towards the doorway] Leaving so soon? What’s your hurry?

YOU: I…

DTZM: Great, great, Tracyee will let you know where to send things.

RTD: [gently pushes you out the door] Maybe we’ll do lunch at Ammo.  Ta!

DTZM: [closes the door] Now let’s get back to work.  Preseason starts tomorrow!

RTD: [nods solemnly in agreement, pulls out vial of cocaine]

—

In case you missed it, we’re updating the site so please bear with us as we get the kinks worked out.  If you’ve got issues to report or suggestions you’d like to make, please feel free to do so here.  We’re also looking for volunteers to handle the Tampa Bay (9/2), Indianapolis (9/5), and San Francisco (8/20) previews, so if you think you’ve got what it takes, claim it in the comments and we’ll get in touch to coordinate things.