Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 1, 2023 Season

Did you enjoy the FITBAW?  I know you ain’t a Donks supporter, then.  Nah, I still was content to watch the highest of all human endeavoUrs, for 10+ hours.  Beats a kick in the head, that’s for sure.

Maybe we make too much of Purdy Mouth’s health scare and/or arm strength.  If Baby Shanny is confident, probably should just go with the flow.  As such, those very Tomsulas took their West Coast bodyclocks into Western Pennsyltucky and beat the tar shit out of the Stillers.  30-7, and the outcome was really never in doubt.  Uncle Jack ate up some late garbage time yards, but he was horrendous during the semi-competetive portion of the game.  Many were predicting a Great Leap Forward, but it looks like Second Season Syndrome (thanks, Lesser Footy-speak) instead.  Still, you know Coach Epps will watch the tape and adjust.  He always, always does.  But these squadoos looked like opposite ends of the ability spectrum, to say the least.

Our hobo-disposing Ontario friend had a good strategy, and followed through on it.  Play both Falcon tailbacks.  They are going to run, run, and run some more.  When they get cray-cray and try a forward pass, guess who usually gets the targets?  Bigan and Allegeir both killed it this week, along with a perhaps sturdier-than-expected defense.  Free Huey might take another few seasons, as the Black Panthers limped to a 24-10 defeat.

Despite their obvious tank intentions, the Humps and Qards both showed up this week.  It took a really strong effort (especially with the running game in Q4) for the Jaguras to pull out a closer-than-score indicates 31-21 win.  Duval might have a credible defense, which would elevate them to true contender status.  Watch Prison Girlfriend’s footwork in the pocket (especially the first TD to Ridley), it was absolute ballet.  Doug Pedersen is who you want mentoring a franchise QB.

The Qards really had a boot on WFT’s throat, but let ’em off the hook for a 20-16 win (which would have knocked ouis nott at least a quarter of one’s survivor pool).  Rebecca Malone (h/t BFC) is nothing close to an NFL (or even CFL) calibre quartered back.  But I guess he was a little better than Black Powder, brought in without knowing his receivers’ names (nor likely most of the playbook, one infers).

Scorigami?  We can has!  Ratbirds pushed through their usual IR-for-the-season Week 1 injuries (a starter on each side of the ball), defeating the 500s by a perfectly unique 25-9 line.  This game was always theoretically within two scores, but really never felt like a competitive fixture after halftime.  Lamar! looks better in a modern offense, and Zay Flowers is going to be a game changer.  Provided he doesn’t rupture his achilees.  For those of you with good waivers priority, The Miseducation of Justice Hill will make a nice pickup (he got the short yardage/red zone looks, scoring twice), though that backfield goes through personnel like Lincoln’s Civil War generals.

Battle FOAR Ohio (why???) turned 100 yesterday, with #ThePauls beating the visitors from WKRP into submission, 24-3.  That one FG was a long one, too.  It easily could have been a clean sheet.  Once it became a 3-score margin, Cincy wisely pulled Burrow and went into “no mas” mode.  Yeah, there was like 6-ish minutes to play, but reality exists and fuck being prideful with that macho bullshit.  I wouldn’t read too much into it – Burrow had no pre-season, the weather was shit, and this group has started slowly before.  They should still be a contender.  Perhaps the open question is whether that Believeland defense is legit.  Or just a manifestation of being on Hippo’s bench.  SIGH.

We call Kirk Cousins Captain Dingleberry – despite being perfectly cromulent – because of weeks like this.  He had 273 yards passing in the first HALF…but turned it over thrice, keeping the MRSA visitors in it.  Tampa then played to Todd Bowles and Baker Mayfield’s strengths, as they turned it into a “mudder” late.  He may not be a franchise guy, but the former #1 pick is a tough SOB, and he got his side an ugly-as-fuck 20-17 win.

Look at the boxscore, and try to make sense of how this was close at all, certainly not 16-15 close.  But Emo Carr (who was pretty great, though the “eye test” remained skepitcal – 9.2 YPA and only one pickerception is excellent production) rightly got the home win.  Tanny Fanny was horrifyingly bad (under 6 YPA, THREE picks, several missed, wide open big gainer plays).  Late in Q4, Vrabel passed on 4th and 7 to kick that 5th FG – and really, it felt right.  Defensive stand and back in FG range seemed way more plausible than Tanny Fanny getting them in for 6.  Rashid Shaheed just might give N’Awlins that field stretching dimension they’ve lacked.  But I will defer to Mr. Pickle for further analysis (hopefully in the comments).

Mathematically, Sunday was perfect – an 8/5 broadcast split.  It helped that those 5 late fixtures gave us quite a bit of the day’s quality, too.

Maybe not so with New England/Philly, especially with the Iggles going a bit soft at the end of each half, letting the P*ts back into the match TWICE.  After prevent defensing cut the margin to 25-20, Philly went ballsy and threw the ball on 4th and 2.  A conversion wins the game, so I get it.  But the miss gave The Legend of White Mac two minutes to oversee a winning drive from a short field.  Alas, he led his receiver too far to the boundary on 4th and 9, and his second foot hit the chalk.  25-20 it would end.  I don’t really get how Philly approached this game, but a road win is a road win.  They all count the same.

Oh my cats, Denver.  Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.  Fatty McGoo started too cute with his “Superb Owl HT Special” onside kick, but an illegal touching (by a cunt hair) BLEERGH meant Vegas had a short field to take a 7-nil lead.  Donks would bounce back and flirt with WOO! – especially after stopping, then turning over the hated Raiders from first and goal inside the 5.  But as they drove in for the kill shot, they both (i) missed a FG (first extra point was also no good); and (ii) stalled inside the 10 to settle for a (made) chip shot, for a tenuous 16-10 Q4 lead.  I then called it, 16-17 inevitable defeat.  Which is exactly what we fucking got.  That “aggressive” Payton chose to punt on 4th and 3, with 5 and change to play…and never got the ball back.  It was obvious that 2 or 3 first downs ends the game, so who cares about playing field position?  The possession is too precious.  OY.  Josh McDaniels sucks, and Janeane is gonna die back there.  But yet again, they have bragging rights over the mango and navy.  BLECH.

Game of the day was on a neutral field in Southern California (a vast improvement for Clippers du Merde), as Miami and the Clips went back-and-forth all game long.  Tua was clutch as fuck on their final TD drive, to take a 2-point lead late.  The missed extra point perhaps saved the LOLfins from themselves, as they couldn’t play prevent when a FG beats you instead of ties you.  Illogical, but that’s how these things go.  In any event, Don Fangio’s defense got a big sack and then stopped Kid Clearisil on 4th and long to preserve the wild 36-34 win.

Poor Chi****.  All season, they hoped.  And as our pre-eminent Bearistocrats’ homer noted in the game thread – it’s the hope that kills you.  And also the Green Bay Packers.  38-20, and it was a genuine arse-kicking for the visitors.  Jordan Love played “game manager” reasonably well, and the defense (and Aaron Jones) did the rest.  Strawberry Fields did his usual schtick, and his death remains imminent.  Takes too many hits, by a factor of at least 2 or 3.  Cam Newton wasn’t big enough to survive that kind of punishment, and he had at least two stone on Fields.

The Pacific Northwest also got a snoozer, but surprise, surprise – it was Kupp-less RRRRRRRRAM IT!! spanking the home SeaTruthers, 30-13.  Absolutely nobody saw this coming, I assure you.  But that Second Season Syndrome we noted above with respect to Uncle Jack?  Maybe that applies to Geno Smith and his “nobody believes in us” new-look Seattle crew.  Because they looked bad, outclassed easily on both sides of the ball by everyone’s worst or 2nd-worst team in the NFL coming into Week 1.

Did you keep paying attention to SNF after the visitors extended their lead to 26-nil?  Well, then you are a Happy Non-Gendered Cowpersons supporter, and can tell the class all about it below.  I left the teevee box on (but muted), and only because I was caffeinated to the gills and hours away from sleepy time.

See everyone this evening for Bills Mafia’s visit to the Jets.  Happy 9/11 to all who celebrate.