Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 17, 2023 Season (Plus Final JV Exhibitions)

The roads to the Owl will run through Baltimore, MD and Santa Clara, CA.  Congrats to the Ratbirds and Tomsulas for clinching their 1 seeds, even before the Week 18 schedule drops.  Quality work, y’all.

Such praise is especially earned by Balmer, who followed up their Week 16 humbling of Purdy Mouth with an absolute shit-pushing-in of Fuck You, LOLfin.  Lamar! tossed 5 TD passes in a Most Glorious 56-19 Scorigami event.  The flannel-clad, now-certain putative MVP could have had even MOAR, but Greater Harbs wisely pulled his starters late.  Tyler Huntley even got his.  Full panic stations in Miami, ahead of their Week 18 home tilt with the Bills Mafia,

Despite giving up a game-opening kickoff return TD, and another horrifying passing performance from Brokeback QB…Buffalo clinched at least a wild card, and will play Miami for the AFC East crown.  All thanks to getting the Zappe P*ts, at home.  The gift that keeps on giving (unless one is the Donks).  It wasn’t exactly a blowout, but the 27-21 win did what they had to do.  Speaking of Allen, he’s turned into early season Strawberry Fields – a fantasy force only due to his goal line running ability.  He’s been liquid shit passing, for some time now.  Long enough to merit significant concern in WNY.

Put a pin in that, because Strawberry Fields is now (apparently) PEAK Josh Allen, making plays with his legs but also looking like a plus-plus starter with his arm.  Imagine the December Bears team, with Marv Harrison and Best Available Lineman added in the draft.  They could be on the precipice of a Great Leap Forward, if they have the bollocks to pass on Caleb Williams.  Or…September 2024 comes around, and Fields’ brain goes back to a pumpkin.  You just never know, do you?  This game was pretty with all the snow, despite the uglience of the Falcons’ so-called offense.  37-17, Chi**** fans go home drunk as usual – but happy drunk this time.

Fat Humps survive at home, 23-20 over the now-eliminated Raiders.  I have nothing to say about this sportsball event.

Everyone in the Surly Duff is 9-7, except the Tits.  Because the 500s got their quartered back….back, while concurrently knocking Tennessee’s the fuck out.  Tanny Fanny took many sacks with his sundial mind, and Houston wins a 26-3 laugher.

Jaguras?  Also won, also scored 26.  But they also secured the clean sheet against the visiting, very shitty Black Panthers.  When you lose by FOUR FUCKING SCORES to former West Wing Press Secretary CJ Cregg, you have a lot of franchise soul-searching to do.  This result also clinched the first pick for the Bears.  All 1s are set in stone!

What the absolute monkeyfuck is going on in Philly?  A home lead of 21-6 at the half, over the hapless Qardinals.  Tied up at 21, then again at 28.  Jonathan Gannon goes surprise onside kick, Iggles recover.  With the short field, they sneak into FG range, but can’t bleed the clock dry.  And the Matt Patricia defense folded like a house of cards, for the 35-31 loss.  Dallas is now the 2 seed, thanks to zebra fuckery on Saturday night.  Oy.  That NFC 4-5 Wild Card is gonna be a tough watch.

The resurgent MRSA Men could have clinched that 4 seed, with a home win over the reeling Saints.  Predictably (in retrospect), they shat all over themselves.  A late, mostly garbage time rally cut a 20-zip deficit to the final 23-13 margin, but N’Awlins really kicked their teeth in.  Both are 8-8 heading into the final weekend, division in the balance.  Tampa still has the easiest path, FWIW.  On the road, but they get the 2-14 Panthers in a win and in scenario.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! tried really hard to give their much-needed win away.  But the Vertically Enhanced Persons just wouldn’t take it.  Both squadrons missed extra points.  Los Angeles also committed a BLEERGH allowing New York to go for two and the lead.  Play was wide open, and Tyrod missed it.  But then Tyrod made a big, last-gasp play to get them back into FG range in the dying seconds.  Which Mason Crosby shanked badly, because it was that kind of day.  26-25, and meastly Kyren Williams makes his crew a dangerous 6 seed.

Rebecca Malone lost the starting job, but then had to play anyway (Brissett hamstring owie).  Against the Tomsulas, it went quite badly.  27-10 to the visitors, even with a McCaffrey injury.  Keep a wary eye on that for the playoffs, though.

Mike Tomlin Voodoo.  It’s real, and it’s spectacular.  Remember when he looked completely cooked, before turning in desperation to the corpse of Mason Rudolph?  This week, the home SeaTruthers fall victim, and join the hapless 8-8 NFC dreck pile, hoping for a win and help for the 7 seed.  Stillers get the win, 30-23.  PIT is 9-7, with a shot at the last Wild Card – and a guaranteed non-losing season.  Fuckin.  Voodoo.

I’m massively annoyed by the Fatty Payton power play, humiliating Charmslinger with a benching that he didn’t earn.  Stidham was predictably mediocre-to-bad, but Easton Stick was no match for the mango-clad defense.  It felt like the entire 2nd half was garbage time, but the Clips managed a late 52-yard FG to cut the final margin to 16-9 (before the obligatory failed – BARELY – onside kick and kneeldowns).

As bad as Donks/Clips was, Chefs/WKRP was even worse.  OK, worse at least relative to expectations.  Mahomes and the offense are broken, and Kelce looks cooked.  Cincy took a 17-7 lead, thanks to the addition of Border Patrol (h/t Spam) giving them a killer 1-2 rushing punch with Beatie Mixon.  Unfortunately for Bengals supporters, that was all the offensing they’d get.  Pacheco and Rashee Rice made just enough plays for them to limp across the finish line, 25-17.  Yes, that is SIX placements (7 including the lone extra point).  AFC West champs once again, but essentially drawing ded in January.  (Famous last words, I know.)  Also, STFU, Romo.

Sunday night is must-see TV, solely for the Week 18 schedule reveal (I eventually lost patience and went to bed, sorry).  Because SKOL…didn’t even show up, despite being at home.  Ask not for whom the skolfucking fucks, for it fucks for thee.

We close out 2023’s exhibition season with the following.  Watch, while remembering to be grateful that, starting in 2024, JV NFL will finally have a post-season that isn’t markedly worse than its regular season.

Wisconsin (+10) v. LSU – Apparently No Longer the Outback Bowl (Noon, ESPN2)

Pour one out for the Bloomin’ Onions, I guess.  It’s still the Bowl where disappointing SEC and B1G squadrons get sent to think about what they’ve done.  The line seemingly indicates LSU’s QB is playing?  But I’m too lazy to look it up.

Liberty (+16.5) v. Oregon – Lionel Richie Fiesta! For-ev-a! Bowl (1:00, ESPN)

Hey, it’s All Nite Long somewhere.  Gonna be a long 4 quarters for the Libtards, unless Falwell was able to out-bribe Phil Knight.

Iowa (+6) v. Tennessee – No, Cheez-Its Are Not Citrus Fruit Bowl (1:00, ABC)

Even in the South/B1G flyover country.  Let’s not be silly, and/or get scurvy, people!!  Vols will be breaking out their (literal) million dollar recruit/freshman QB.  God only knows what Team Cornpone has planned in response.