So that was a week, huh? We laughed, we cried, we pondered what we had done wrong in life to merit the mental picture of Mark Davis shitting in a pot of soup.

This part of the draft is even harder to predict, because:

1. Each guess is based on the guesses that went before, leading to some sort of compounding-interest-butterfly-effect statistical embuggerance (I dunno- ask Zymm)

2. You never know when a team has fallen in love with a player and feels the need to trade up because they have information (true or not) that a team in front of them is going to pounce on that guy.

Still, we soldier on. To remind you, we had a flurry of five quarterbacks chosen in the first half of this draft. Was that a lot? Yes. However, I read the league as having ten teams with either an immediate screaming need for a quarterback (Chicago, Washington, New England, Minnesota, Denver), a foreseeable need by this time next year (Jets, Rams, Seahawks), or should be looking for an upgrade (Raiders, Titans). I’ve yet to see a mock draft from the past month that doesn’t have at least four quarterbacks going in the top half of the first round. One of these other six teams has fallen in love with Penix by this point, and will either 1. panic or 2. decide that the comparatively cheap fifth-year option for first round picks is worth it. So yes, five quarterbacks.

So where do we go from here:

17. jacksonville jaguars: Terrion Arnold (Cornerback, Alabama)

The jaguars may very well take a flyer on a receiver, mostly because they don’t understand why it all keeps going wrong and are still invested in the concept that Trevor Lawrence can will them to a Super Bowl. He has plenty of weapons and a reasonable line, but maybe if they Trevor Harder, it’ll finally click.

That said, jacksonville has behaved like a semi-rational franchise since Urban Meyer forced them to look in the mirror, so I think they will do something useful and grab what could be the best corner in the draft. I harbor secret ambitions that the Bills can somehow swing a deal for Arnold, but it’s only by a quirk of this mock that he’s lasted this long. The Rags were weak against the pass last year, and Ronald Fucking Darby is not going to solve your problems.

18. Cincinnnananti Bengals: JC Latham (Right Tackle, Alabama)

Everything the jaguars think Trevor Lawrence can be, Joe Burrow is. Accordingly, the franchise must protect Burrow at all costs. The defense needs help, but every single hit Burrow takes measurably reduces the team’s expected win total (even when it doesn’t result in an immediate crippling). Latham is apparently the Big Dog Right Tackle in this draft, so…yeah.

19. Traitorous Dogtaint-Lickers (Los Angeles Rams): Byron Murphy II (Defensive Tackle, Texas)

I keep rethinking this one, because it just seems too neat. Aaron Donald, all-time undersized dynamo defensive tackle, retires, and here presents Murphy, an undersized dynamo defensive tackle falling into their laps. The Rams have a bunch of needs (turns out “Fuck Them Picks” has a “Find Out” phase in a salary-capped league) and I’m not going to be shocked if the Rams make a heavy move for Bo Nix if he survives to Day 2. But the D is built and predicated on having heavy pressure from a nose tackle position, and sometimes the obvious thing is obvious because it’s self-evidently correct.

20. Pittsburgh Steelers: Jackson Powers-Johnson (Center, Oregon)

The Steelers made their splashes at quarterback earlier this year; now it’s time for them to back those moves up with offensive line help. They need pretty much everything except a right tackle. Powers-Johnson apparently played guard and center (and DT?) in college and was really good at center. Assuming for the moment the plan for 2025 is to give Justin Fields the ball, a competent center who can make some assignment calls is an absolute must.

21. Miami Whalesnacks: Laiatu Latu (DE, UCLA)

This one is even more of a gamble than most of these picks, because Miami’s defense was devastated by injuries and only the Dolphins know what shape those players are in.

Letting Christian Wilkins go in free agency leaves them terribly weak in the middle, but Miami gambles here. Latu suffered such a severe neck injury at Washington that team physicians refused to clear him to play football again. Ever. The Dolphins have zero compunction about trotting out a high-upside player despite an extremely troubling (read: foreseeable he could die on the field) injury history. Hopefully he’s just a bust and not a tragedy.

22. Philadelphia Eagles: Cooper DeJean (Cornerback, Iowa)

WHITE CORNERBACK ALERT! WHITE CORNERBACK ALERT!

Actually, he might be a safety in the NFL, but we are not ones to let facts get in the way. The Eagles’ secondary needs have been painfully obvious for the last year. I almost gave them the top-rated Georgia cornerback, but I’m trying to play the picks straight.

DeJean’s “is he a safety or a corner?” issue isn’t really a problem for the Eagles, since they need both. He’s a gritty white ballhawk, and I will lay heavy odds that he would destroy HitchBot on sight. What could be more Philly?

23. Los Angeles Chargers (From MIN from CLE from HOU): Taliese Fuaga (Tackle, Oregon State)

The Chargers are still full of holes. They need help up the defensive middle in a bad way, but they may be willing to gamble on Jer’Zhan Newton falling to them in the early second round. Harbaugh and Greg Fucking Roman have a psychological compulsion to be Run First no matter who they have taking snaps. In order to do that, they need a right tackle and apparently that’s Fuaga.

24. Dallas Cowpersons: Amarius Mims (Tackle, Georgia)

Boring pick for Dallas, but Stephen Jones will keep Ol’Jerry distracted long enough with hookers and HyperViagra long enough to turn the card in. Tyron Smith is gone, and Mims is an obvious replacement. Like the Rams- sometimes a choice is obvious because it’s correct. Look for Jerral to overcompensate in the second round once he regains consciousness by drafting the fastest wide receiver available.

25. Green Bay Packers: Ladd McConkey (WR, Georgia)

I know, I know- I promised to play this straight. The Packers need to address left tackle and cornerback badly.  But I can’t help it here: an undersized white receiver named Ladd McConkey NEEDS to be on the Packers (or the Patriots).

I actually talked myself into this a bit- Romeo Doubs and Jayden Reed did almighty work filling the gaps during Christian Watson’s absence, but I would be hard-pressed to say I had faith in them repeating the feat twice. Giving Jordan Love a bunch of weapons to stave off a sophomore slump is actually a defensible strategy, and McConkey seems like the kind of player coaches fall in love with as a diamond in the rough.

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Chop Robinson (DE/OLB, Penn State)

What they really need is a first-round running back, but there isn’t one this year. I was shocked that they weren’t involved in the Running Back Carousel during free agency.

The ship is starting to disintegrate on defense, with Devin White, Shaq Barrett and Carlton Davis leaving (or being discarded), Vita Vea getting older and Antoine Winfield Jr. being held captive by the franchise tag. And they need the defense to remain stout to protect the offense. Baker Mayfield was relatively careful with the ball last year, but two straight years of playing from behind more often than not…well, you can’t keep the Heroball Baker in check forever.

So it’s a defensive pick. They need an outside pass rusher, and I keep seeing Robinson projected as a 3-4 outside linebacker. He is disturbingly fast. Fun fact: Demeioun Robinson was originally nicknamed “Pork-Chop” at birth. Quality nickname game.

27. Arizona Cardinals: Kool-Aid McKinstry (Cornerback, Alabama)

Speaking of quality nicknames. Dude scored an NIL agreement with Kool-Aid as a freshman. Imma nickname my son “JP Morgan Chase” and see if it pays off down the line.

Like the Bucs, they need a running back. Like the Bucs, they ain’t getting one here. Like the Bucs, the quarterback will benefit if he doesn’t think he has to score 40 every game.

McKinstry has been docked by some evaluators for taking plays off if he’s not being targeted, which feels like it meshes well with with the overall team vibe set by Kyler “Homework Time” Murray.

28. Most Glorious Buffalo Bills: Adonai Mitchell

In reality, Buffalo is desperate to trade down, and I would not be shocked if someone in love with Mitchell, Xavier Worthy or Johnny Newton took them up on it. The Bills would really benefit from two solid second rounders (Tyler Nubin at safety, Troy Franklin at wideout, Ennis Rakestraw at corner, etc.) much more than tossing the dice on a guy like Mitchell- big, fast, good catch radius but inconsistent effort.

But I’m trying to keep the order as close to the foreseeable as possible. I considered Nate Wiggins here, because the secondary is looking Rough, but Coach Bobblehead likes his cornerbacks to support the run. I would be shocked if they spent another high draft pick on a lightweight corner after Tre’Davious White.

29. Detroit Lions: Nate Wiggins (Cornerback, Clemson) 

Lightweight be damned, Dan Campbell will have a ballhawk in the secondary or kill him trying. Detroit played a terribly dangerous game last season, giving up scads of yardage through the air and counting on the offense to keep them in it. With Jordan Love coming into his own and likely two high draft picks playing for the Bears and Vikings, the Lions need to get better on the back end now.

30. Baltimore Ravens: Tyler Guyton (Tackle, Oklahoma)

It’s tempting to think the Ravens will give Lamar an actual weapon here. But with Derrick Henry coming in and Zay Flowers showing promise last year, I see them dipping into the receiver pool in the second round and beefing up the tackle position here.

31. San Francisco 49ers: Christian Haynes (Guard, UConn)

There’s no way San Francisco actually drafts here. They’re either trading up for a right tackle or trading back for the deep linebacker class. But they need to improve the right side of their line in a desperate way, or else Purdy and McCaffrey will both end up as mulch.

32. Albuquerque Chiefs: Sydney Sweeney 

Listen- turnover is part of the game, and “Next Woman Up” is a reality in this league. Taylor Swift is a wiley veteran, and if anyone can make a run at Madonna’s Tom Brady-like longevity, it’s Tay-Tay. But teams have to plan for the future and draft two steps down the road. Sweeney gives them an opportunity to add a dimension to their offense, attracting MAGAts and ogres who may have foresaken the team during Tayloration 2024.