Good morning everyone.
I was messing around with the posting timeframe of these last 2 episodes of the season when I realized, holy fuck! Next weekend is Labor Day Weekend! You can use today’s menu suggestions next week for your gathering! It’s perfect.
If you’re hosting a Labor Day Weekend grilling session there’s a decent chance you’re gonna grill some burgers and/or dogs. Especially if you have kids coming over. I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to feed a bunch of ankle biters a goddamn steak. Hell I’m not sure the little shits deserve the enhancements I’m offering to you today. Little fuckers just don’t appreciate the finer things in life. Grill ’em a dog throw on some mustard and say “Here you go you little bastards.”
Boom. Labor Day for kids.
Sure basically anyone can make a burger or a dog but how would you go about elevating that shit to new heights?
Let’s start with an easy one.
Dogs first.
Acquire some.
“No” these are NOT hot and spicy but they are fucking delicious.
In my humble opinion Nathan’s is the only choice for store bought dogs and it’s not even a close second. Perfect snap, great balance of seasonings, grills up flawlessly. Accept no substitutes.
One of the ideas for increasing the length and girth elevating your hot dog game was to experiment and explore in an effort to find the best chili dog. Sure it’s a sacrifice but it’s one I’m willing to make.
There are tons of “Best of” or Reddit threads on who makes the best over-the-counter hot dog chili and after very few minutes of research, three brand names kept coming up. The first and most accessible chili for a chili dog was the standard Hormel chili with no beans. Yes, I’ve had it before and it’s fine but it doesn’t have any particular pizzazz and we’re looking for something special.
One of the other brands whose name kept showing up was these folks.
Castleberry’s hot dog sauce. Based out of Augusta Georgia, yes The Masters place. A smoother chili and definitely closer to a sauce.
Yet another name that was always near the top of the list was…
Tony Packo’s hot dog sauce! Based out of Toledo Ohio and pop culture referential due to M*A*S*H character Corporal Klinger touting its awesomeness several times over the show’s run. Got to admit I had high hopes for this one.
Not quite so sexy when dumped out of the can. Tony Packo’s first.
Followed by Castleberry’s.
This is not the sexiest moment for either of these sauces. If you look carefully you’ll notice the second sauce appears to be rather meatless. It is. The second ingredient listed was blended and mashed beans. There is also beef fat but no actual chunks of beef. Curious.
You WILL need some diced onion for a proper chili dog. Took me decades to figure that out but I’ve seen the light. I also like to apply some mustard on the bun followed by the dog, chili, onion and cheese.
Here’s one now,
This is the Tony Packo’s dog. It was fucking dynamite. One of the best chili dogs I’ve ever had. No bullshit.
Preserving both my dignity and my digestive tract, it was a couple of weeks after the Tony Packo’s attempt when I did the Castleberry’s experiment and I was out of hot dog buns. I did have burger buns in the freezer so I figured why the fuck not.
A dog is better on a burger bun that a burger in a hot dog bun. It’s science. Not sure why but trying to make a burger to fit a hot dog bun justs comes across as kind of ghetto, while putting a hot dog on a burger bun seems thrifty! It’s my brain dammit.
Dress the bun.
One discovery was this.
Gotta snap the dog in half to fit then it’s one and a half dogs per bun. Score! Set this thing up.
First big downside of the “dog” burger, it doesn’t hold a lot of chili.
The final verdict was the Castleberry’s dog was good. Real good, good spice, nice consistency and a solid product. I think it could have used a little meat in it to be honest. Our clear cut weiner in the taste test was…
Tony Packo’s!
Flavor, consistency, spice level, beefiness, this shit has it all. Title is yours Toledo. Finally you won something.
Yes. I hear you talking to yourself right now.
“Dude, is gonna buy a couple cans of chili and talk about some 50 year old TV show and THAT’S what I’m reading here?”
I promise the next segment is a lot more technical and a lot more worth your time.
That was one of the best damn chili dogs I ever ate though.
I’ve got some real shit and a real goddamn fabulous recipe for you though.
Let’s cook some burgers.
NOT just random hamburger meat either.
But that’s not all. Oh hell no.
We’re making BACON ONION JAM!
Bacon Onion Jam
recipe inspired by IamBaker.com but freely adapted
1/2 pound thick-cut bacon, diced
1 large yellow onion finely chopped
1 large shallot, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
8-10 slices of pickled jalapenos, minced
1/4 cup light brown sugar
2 ounces maple syrup
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1 teaspoon chili powder
Guess we’re gonna start with…
Bacon?
Freeze for a few minutes to allow for easier dicing.
Oddly enough “Bacon Onion Jam” also requires…
Onions! And a shallot. Chop accordingly.
Dice up your jalapenos.
Start by cooking the bacon bits.
Cook until the fat is rendered and the bacon is crispy.
Remove the bacon and set aside to drain on a paper towel leaving just the lovely, lovely bacon grease.
Cook up the onions, shallots, garlic and jalapenos in the bacon fat.
We are going to caramelize the onions. That first link up there says it should take 15 minutes and I am here to officially wave the golden “Bullshit” flag. This stuff takes an easy 30 minutes. You want to cook this on a very low temperature until the onions are golden brown in color. Please don’t fuck up and burn them at this point.
THAT is lovely. Next we add in the cooked bacon, brown sugar, syrup, chili powder and apple cider vinegar.
Cook for about 10 minutes on very low. We want a jam-like consistency. And yes, you’re going to be salivating like a goddamn maniac at this point from the smell.
A “Jam” like consistency as I was saying.
You could indeed just grab a bite if you don’t mind having your tongue and the roof of your mouth melt down like fucking Chernobyl. This shit is jam and it’s been cooking for about 30 minutes. You would basically self-immolate.
Might be fun on a colder day but I ain’t trying that shit.
Let the jam cool off a bit and let’s get busy with the burgers. I’m gonna show you how to build a burger like a goddamn pro.
Start with your ground meat then season with salt, pepper, paprika, cayenne, onion powder, garlic powder or your choice of any of those ingredients. You don’t need a lot since we’re only fucking around with 1 pound of meat. Let’s go with “Season to your preference.” Gets me off the legal issues that way.
Combine everything and let chill in the fridge for an hour or two.
When you’re ready to get busy, remove the meat from the fridge and allow it to get back to room temperature.
You can form the patties any way you see fit but I like using these fuckers.
This is actually a large scale biscuit cutter but you can easily find burger rings out there in the wild.
Yep, they look professional but more importantly, they allow for even cooking and consistency between each patty. I removed the formed patties to a sheet of parchment paper to prevent stickage.
We’re doing 3 burgers today, very obviously giving each of them a 1/3 lb weight before cooking.
Season with salt and pepper. Yes. Again.
Heat up a skillet and get to cooking.
Weather wasn’t “grill worthy” the day I made these .
At this time you’re probably wondering about a cheese to top these with.
First of all you know GODdamn sure that that bacon jam has some bigass, bold motherfucking flavors.
And it does. So what type of cheese should accompany something with that much flavor?
How about a cheese that will “see” your flavor, raise it and then double the fuck down?
This shit right here.
[Voice over] “The following cheese is intended only for mature audiences. Eater’s discretion is advised.”
This lovely motherfucker is “Saint Augur” and I believe I’ve mentioned it here before. I’ll let the Wikis give you the gory details.
“Saint Agur (pronounced [sɛ̃taɡyʁ]) is a blue cheese brand owned by Savencia Fromage & Dairy Group and made with pasteurised cow’s milk from the village of Beauzac in the Monts du Velay, part of the mountainous Auvergne region of central France. It is made from pasteurised cow’s milk, enriched with cream, and contains 60% butterfat, qualifying it as a double-cream cheese. Aged for 60 days in cellars, the cheese becomes stronger and spicier as it ages.”
Which means it melts and has the same creaminess as a brie but delivers one mighty goddamn wallop of that blue funk that so many of us love.
It is the perfect foil for the intensity and sweetness of the bacon jam. But be aware, if you try this cheese on it’s own it will basically wreck the absolute fuck out of your palate. The blue cheese hit is intense which is why I had it in mind for this exact reason.
The burgers will cook for maybe 3-4 minutes per side for a nice medium/medium rare finish.
Give them a flip.
Lovely crust. Go ahead and add the cheese now to soften up and get melty.
Oh shit, this is going to be fucking insane with flavor.
Let’s build the goddamn beast!
Dress your burger how-ever-the-fuck you want, I’m just showing you my way.
Grab a toasted bun, lay down a layer of mayo and scoop on the bacon jam.
Add the burger.
Get that toasted bun on top and cut in half for showing off purposes.
Grab about 4 cold and frosty barley flavored beverages and just get the fuck after that thing.
Fuck right off. Then, take another fuck and fuck IT right off!.
Sonuvabitch!
It’s fucking perfection.
Say you are invited to attend somebody’s Labor Day grilling event and the host says it’s just going to be burgers and dogs. Make some of that jam, maybe grab a couple of cans of the chili sauce. You bring that and I’m not going to say “Legends are made that way” but the hosts will remember you. Forever.
And sing songs about you for generations.
If you’re into that type of thing.
This week’s fun holidays courtesy of A Bit of Good News: “August 24 is International Bat Night, International Strange Music Day, National Peach Pie Day, National Waffle Day and Iconic American Restaurants Day.”
There’s some good options right there.
I do love a good peach pie.
Enjoy your Sunday everyone.
Next week is the season finale and Labor Day weekend.
After that?
I think you know.
See you next Sunday.
Mon Dieu, Ligue Deux drafts in 45 mins.
autodraft is my friend
Dry Gewurztraminer is a delicious wine
Congrats to Taiwan for winning the Little League World Series.
The pitcher was 12 but may have been 25. Throwin gas.
And fuck both ESPN and the LLWS for calling them “Chinese Taipei” – they are an independent country dammit.
Putin: “China insists on ‘Chinese Taipei’ and everyone goes ‘Play Ball!’, but when I suggest everyone use the phrase ‘Soviet Ukraine’, suddenly I’m the bad guy?!”
Bout damn time burgers and dogs get their due.
Also, hi. Been a few days. Vegas was quite warm. Friday’s FFL draft was shot-filled and I really felt my age. But I have Jayden Daniels, so let’s not have a sophomore slump please.
Scorpions rocked as they are wont to do, but Klaus Meine is showing his age and I really hope he retires soon.
Last concert of the summer will be Rufus Wainwright in a couple weeks, which should be very civilized.
And Cal Raleigh’s about to have his third at bat today; first two left the yard. Next one will be #50 on the season. Big Dumper is Dumping.
Update: Raleigh struck out. (could be Cal’s at bat, or Sir Walter trying to bed the Virgin Queen)
Grew up a short drive away from Packo’s and had my first Hungarian chili dog there before MASH was a TV show. Later, we used to wander in during college summer Fridays to hear the Cakewalkin’ Jass Band while lining our stomachs with some heavy grub in preparation for drinking shitty beer well into the wee hours. I still go back now and again visiting relatives and friends and it mostly holds up.
/This has been your historical moment from the area near the intersection of I-75 and I-80
Just finished the recording of Freo playing the Doggies.
Let’s go Dockers!
Playoff bound!
Give em the old heave ho!
Another Man United season wasted. Thank God the NFL season is near and I can support my favorite team, the Miami Dolphins. 🙃
Caramelizing onions in a slow cooker is the way to go. Basically no effort and great result.
“Carmella Onion is my favorite Latina pinup model from the early 90’s.”
-2Pack
AND Balls!
Has a football player at the college or pro level ever written John 6:9 on their eyeblack? Because that would be all kinds of awesome.
Christian: “Aw, they are drawing attention to Jesus’ miracle of using a poor boy’s small gift of food to feed 5000 people.”
Non-Christian: “Ha, 69! Nice!”
Top tip for the LA-based folks:
Tommy’s sells containers of their chili. Buy a pint of it and then use it on your hot dogs as above.
Philippe the Original uses Dolores Chili Brick for their in-house chili, and you can buy it at most grocery stores.
Do they sell it anywhere besides the restaurants?
No, but the restaurants are everywhere, even behind the Orange Curtain.
THIS DOG OF MINE LEMME TELL YA I CALL HER K.D. LANG IN THE HONEYMOON PHASE OF A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE SHE IS LICKING THE CARPET IN THE KITCHEN.
“Coney Island” chili dog at Lafayette, downtown Detroit
“Brick, doing the surveillance state proud!”
-A. Jones
This is how he submits his expense reports.
That burger belongs in the Smithsonian. They have room for it, now that they’ve removed all of the “unpleasant” stuff. Well done, Yeah Right, as usual, I am slobbering like a St. Bernard!
Isn’t the mix of beef and pork considered miscegenation?
Certainly not kosher or halal.
Shilo Sanders ejected after punching Bills player in Buccaneers preseason finale, waived following day – CBSSports.com
One down, one to go.
Said it soooooo many times, but this is what happens when Mommy and/or Daddy raise their precious little spawn to believe their shit don’t stink.
If you die and see Manuel Ugarte, you are not in heaven
In a related development, 8% of women find Rikki less attractive than they last year, and a staggering 15% find him less attractive then they did in 2023.
We’re still the majority!
Just MOAR ppls lying to themselves. Like the increase in fuckwits saying “but I just HAD to vote for Trump, not that I am a fascist myself BUT….”
Questioning the staggering demographic-you’d think their standards would be lower.
Counterpoint: Who would answer this question truthfully?
“Me? No, I plan to continue to drink alcohol in large quantities to numb myself to my failings in life and how they have corrupted myself and my friends and family.”
Man United scored a goal on a set piece? The 4 horsemen must be on their way to earth
How’s it going, boys!?!
Yeah Right, this looks incredible!
Thanks!
And damn good to see you again.
No One Wants To Know How The Hotdog Is Made:
I haven’t had a hot dog in 25(?) years. Why? Twenty-five years ago I was taken on a tour of a wiener-making facility and once you’ve stared into the abyss of the 50 gallon slurry that eventually goes into the casings, your life will never be the same.
/sausages are totally different though
I have two golden rules when it comes to food
1. Never go to a meat processing facility.
2. Never look in the kitchen of a Chinese jernt.
3. Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.
I ate a hot dog while reading The Jungle
That must have been the longest hot dog ever!
Shero!
Here is an observation that I have lately. In the past, ladies femine hygiene products simply showed a lady going from uncomfortable looking to smiling. A subtle comment about overcoming a not so fresh feeling and a view of the product packaging.
Today we are treated to women on the toilet attaching pads to their panties, thick red fluid being poured on products, then felt up, and chubby chicks prancing around in panties.
Do mother’s no longer teach that shit? Young ladies are now reliant on commercials?
Ads during dinner time sure have changed.
So do ads for Italian feminine hygiene products use marinara sauce to simulate menstrual flow?
Inquiring minds want to know…
Not sure. But they pour enough on to do a bowl of spaghetti justice, then proudly flip that puppy over and feel the comfort of dry bliss.
I asked Wifey if it was just me… She assured me that, no it was some new cultural phenomena.
“Spaghetti Justice” was the big budget Western that Sergio Leone was trying to get the funding for just before he died. ppl forget that.
I hope Tucks don’t get marketing ideas from this line… But ya never know… Could be a big seller in Germany…
Also the original name for this series.
Counterpoint:
(not a counterpoint at all, I’m just fondly reminiscing about when Danger Guerrero used to cover this show for warmingglow)
When they started using blue liquid to demonstrate absorbency, my thought was ” girl, get thee to the gyno!”
Just think how handy it would be if you could use your own bodily fluids to clean windows!
Teach what exactly? Don’t most ads feature the product they’re trying to sell? It makes a lot more sense than the previous iteration
You don’t have to use 80/20 for a good burger. If you only have lean ground beef, just mix in some bacon drippings with the salt, pepper, etc.
Castleberry is okay. Tony Packo’s is pretty good from a can. Being from West ByGod, the hot dog capital of the world; and Huntington, the hot dog capital of WV*, Tony Packo’s rates as merely okay.
*WCS might say that the Fairmont style of hot dog sauce is better than Huntington style, but he would be wrong.
This was a learning adventure for me. I always thought that ‘hot dog sauce’ was the leftover fluids from a porn shoot.
That’s the Buddy Cole signal!
I do not have an opinion on the Hot Dog sauce debate. However, DiCarlo’s Pizza is the best Ohio Valley style pizza in existence.
My sister-in-law is from Wheeling and a huge DiCarlo’s fan. But we love her anyway.
For those not familiar, they put the cheese in after the rest of the pizza is baked. You be the judge of the outcome.
A burger in a frying pan? How dare you disrespect this man’s memory like that!
the bacon jam is the great, have a local place that does that has the best burgers in the area.
latest fatman hotdog technique i saw was wrapping the hotdog in a slice of pizza instead of a bun
didnt find a pic I liked of it but did stumble in this which is a different twist on combining them
Who has two thumbs and is going to do a bunch of yard work with a (mild) (rum) hangover while the temperature climbs to 98 degrees?
THIS GUY!
Did mine yesterday. Planning on my day of rest, as mandated in Exodus 20:8-11.
(About as atheist as they come, but also as lazy as they come, and will take all the help I can get.)
That’s the worst, watch out for those guys.
Our pool is officially not-cool anymore. These burders will elevate the grill game.
My naigbor told me his pool was 30 Celsius about 91… so while still cooling, a bit less refreshing. Having no pool these things don’t effect me. I simply sit in swamp azz much of the time.
I was in Central California during the hot season and sitting in the lake water basically did *nothing* in terms of cooling you off.
Y’know, with ever increasing temperatures, I’m thinking an entrepreneurial type will make a mint offering add in water cooling systems to swimming pools.
maybe some tea bags added to system
Can I be any more Canadian? I just listened to the CBC for an hour and am now watching a cooking show that features two guys competing to make the best meal. The protein involved? Yup, beaver.
/the name of the show is Moosemeat and Marmalade
The only ways I can think of would be for you to be dressed in denim and playing Rush as background music.
while slathering yourself in poutine sun block
Holy fuck am I hungover. Now I will go watch the game and have a burger!
There’s also US Open tennis, though the repeated “thwock” sound of the balls being hit probably won’t do wonders for your headache.
The mute button is your friend.
Especially due to the loud grunting everyone seems to do now.
You just gave me the idea for a genre of porn that may not have been mined yet: classic silent films.
Oh, it’s been mined:
vintagecuties.com
That burger is some serious food porn Buddy. It always bums me out doing the Labor Day grillin thing. I hate saying goodbye to the summer. Just thinking today about this being my last working summer, and looking forward to the next one in a more relaxed mode.
Bouna Dominica tutti… gotta go… my rides here…
This one gave me a stiffy. Brava, good sir.