Your “Stephon Retires” Thursday Night Open Thread

I thought the bit was a bit tired but after I saw Hader explain that Mullaney was fucking with him the entire time, I have new respect for the latter’s coke habit.

Does everyone have tomorrow off? If so, Horatio should do a bonus mock draft-no pressure buddy!

There’s very little NFL news but I’ll do what I can.

Stephon Gilmore Packs It In:

He was a shutdown corner for half a minute and got a DPOY and a nice contract out of it. I look forward to his post-retirement nightclub venture.

Cousins Cashes In (Again):

He’s getting 11 mil to be Mendoza’s Big Brother. Not a bad gig if you can get it. This brings his career earnings to a very healthy 341 mil, which is very good for a middling QB. It’s apparent that coaches love themselves a reliable, boring talent that couldn’t do anything really well-without his 13-4 record as a Vikes starter in ’22 he’s 2 games over .500 for his career. He started for nine(9!) years folks.

This Passes For News in Cincy!:

Kyle Dugger, a safety that is only one vowel away from being a child molester, signed with the Bengals and the defense will be all kinds of better.

The Mental Health Dodge:

If you’re triggered by Old Man Rants, look away. Nacua, Jaden Ivey and Tiger Woods are off to facilities that will solve/delay their problems. Back in my day you drove drunk until you got better at it, you bit women in places that you knew made them horny and Jesus was a guy that mowed your lawn. These weak-brained fuckers are hiding behind “doctors” and “therapists” so that they have some pretend heft to the doe-eyed contriteness visage they’ll don for the respective judges that will decide their fate. When will are peoples learn?

You’re up to bat.