![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
Naturally, THE SOUTH(s) go last, based on their exalted status in society and the sportsball world.
First, a Crazy Cat Man update – Grandson Bronco has a noted affinity to this body pillow (which doubles as a recliner-based knee elevator). Its kinda sorta dar aquamarine coloUr makes me wonder if he is a Miami Dolphins supporter. Poor bastard, if so.
AFC South (aka Surly Duff Division)
As LemonJello (and perhaps the whole pantry of Jellos??) could attest, the London Jaguras NEVAR make anything easy. Is the Surly Duff there for the taking? Yes. Do I also expect, like almost all kitties, to be kinda bored and thusly play with their food? Also yes.
Into the breach come the 500s? Maybe?? It’s shit or get off the pot time for CJ Stroud. He has a legitimate (and they hope, not-quite-washed) 3-down back in David Montgomery. A monster defense. If it doesn’t come together for Stroud now, it probably ain’t gonna.
Post-“Uncle Phil” Rivers, we’ll see what the Fat Humps have up their sleeves. Other than “Emergency Twinkies” that is. They paid a meh (in my view) WR like a true #1 – and that was despite him breaking an ankle. But hey, he’s a speed guy, I’m sure that will no problem. Just like Dimebag blowing the Achilles on his fookin’ plant leg. Oh yeah, they’re fucked.
More fucked than DonT’s Magnificent Tits? Depends on whether Cam “We Ass” Ward is a complete bust. He was old for a rookie QB last year, and showed very, very little. Bad supporting cast, sure. But who did he elevate?
NFC South
Another great leap forward for the Black Panthers? Maybe they repeat as Division champs AND break .500? Hey, miracles can happen.
I’ve no idea what Sherman’s Ashes are doing, aside from collecting trash/broken QBs. Bijan’s a weapon in the run game, but his pass protection is shit. $25/yr for a guy who needs a passing game caddy? Ninja, PLEASE.
I swear to fuck, N’Awlins is still kicking the salary cap can down the road, relating all the way back to when Fatty Payton was good/unhated. Striking cromulence with a 2nd round QB is pretty much found moneys, though. Let’s see how that progresses. In the interim? 7-10 beckons.
Yeesh, I almost plum forgot the MRSA Men. Baker, Baker The Turnover Maker got beat to shit last year, and now he’s pissy about not getting his 9-figure deal. Methinks the “blow up and rebuild” cycle will start by mid-October in the swamp taint of Murrika.
CBSSN has League One and Championship pseudo-action, so at least you can put the teevee box on this weekend. Baby steps, y’all. UPDATE – Most excellent FronkenPreview follows!
FRONKENSHTEEN PREVIEWS THE EFL CHAMPIONSHIP: LESSER FOOTY’S ‘FIRST-RATE SECOND-RATE MEN’
I thought since there’s still a week until the Premier League starts, and my Hammers got relegated last season, I’d offer up a completely unnecessary and totally uncalled for EFL Championship preseason (mostly) preview, and maybe toss in some picks on todays matches based on what Ive learned (you know since I’m so good at that).Basically, my knowledge of this league is nil, and my study was just a flurry of unfamiliar names of players and coaches I have yet to put faces to. A rudimentary internet search took me, surprisingly, to Substack, where I devoured preview articles by Jacob Powley writing for “Jacob’s Substack” and a guy named Lou writing for a Substack called “Gino’s Circus”. To get a third (and fourth) perspective, I listened to all three 2026-27 season preview podcasts on “SECOND TIER: A Championship Football Podcast” with Lucas Yeomans and Justin Peach. All did the same thing essentially: picked their final standings for the upcoming season and justified their decisions. Below are their prognostications, and I offer my sincerest thanks to them all.I tried to make this chart as difficult to read as possible by hand writing it, using only one color, and squeezing as much information on one page as possible. But if you can make it out, the top 2 spots are the Automatic Promotion slots and positions 3-8 have a playoff tournament with the winner taking the third promotion position after Southampton is caught committing espionage.Three teams are relegated, just like the Prem, but in a 24-team league, there is a hell of a lot of room for brackish mediocrity, like a horrendous mid-career Kinks record, in which some of these teams have been floating for over a decade. Or the Democratic field for the 1988 Democratic Primary after Lee Atwater and Pat Buchanan blew Gary Hart’s campaign to smithereens. The press called them “The 7 Dwarves”, but it was Richard Nixon who christened them with the moniker “first-rate second-rate men” in a memo to former ambassador William Bullitt, and he was right. Look at that muck. And positions 19-24 are, of course, in danger of the drop, but as you can see, there’s only one consensus loser. Everyone is so down on Lincoln City, you’d think Charles Jefferson was in the league.
I guess for the most part, I can go along with these picks, except for the West Ham dominance. I have many reasons for believing this, but none more pressing than the fact that I think they’re still going to lose a bunch of key players before the transfer window closes. Diouf, Wan-Bissaka, Soucek, Alvarez, Castellanos, and (I have to believe) Jarrod Bowen all have clubs showing significant interest, and I believe they’ll go. Plus, Todibo and Kilman stayed, which means the Hammers will remain quite Swiss-cheesy at the back. I’m picking Middlesboro and Wolves for the auto-promotion spots, with West Ham losing in the playoff to Southampton. Beyond that, I’d merely be guessing.So without further Ay-doe, here are your WEEK-ONE-EFL-CHAMPIONSHIP-MATCHUPS-AND-FIVE-STAR-LOCKS!! (Just dial 1-800-FRONK-WINS. The extra “S” is for “$kinoot$!”) I have decided not to look at the actual betting odds, which I will then add to this preview, until after my picks are complete. Friday 3:00Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Blackburn Rovers – Wolves ended their drop season in fine style with great performances against Arsenal and Liverpool. They also batted my Hammers away like an annoying mosquito when we were in our death throes. Now they have Raul Jimenez back. Oof.The pick: Wolves (-130)Saturday 7:30Bolton vs Preston North End – Looks like both these teams stink. Let’s be generous and flip a point into each of their cups.The pick: Draw (+220)Saturday 10:00Middlesborough vs Lincoln City – Lincoln City players will have nightmares of Luke Ayling chasing them all over the pitch for weeks after this one.The pick: Middlesborough (-340)Portsmouth vs Queens Park Rangers – This will probably be a bit of an upset pick, but I’m going with QPR here. They got a bit more love on the above chart and I might get them at a nice number.The pick: QPR (+200)Stoke City vs Swansea City – I’m going with Stoke here because I’m pretty sure I read they started hotter than hell last season before becoming a death ship mid-season. Might even get them at even money.The pick: Stoke City (+135)Norwich City vs West Bromwich Albion – Based on the table above, Norwich City needs to begin the campaign on a high note, as the expectation for the Canaries would appear to be a return to, at the very least, playoff form. West Brom get a tough draw for the opener.The pick: Norwich City (-105)Charlton Athletic vs Derby County – Derby County reminds me of Darby Crash of the Germs and Charlton Athletic reminds me of Carlton Banks of Bel-Air.The Pick: Derby County (+165)Bristol City vs Millwall – Millwall are a bit higher up the prediction ladder, but Bristol isn’t far enough behind for home field advantage not to come into play. However, since saying bad things about Millwall is apparently a good way to get your scalp split with a pint glass, I’m splitting the difference here instead.The pick: Draw (+240)Saturday 12:30Sheffield United vs Birmingham City – This is a coin-flip to the uneducated observer (me), so I’m going take the Blades at home here with a(n) heroic, come-from-behind effort after a lethargic first half. 3-2.The pick: Sheffield United (+130)Sunday 8:30Watford vs Southampton – Will the Saints players be made to physically pay for the Belichick-ian shenanigans of last season? Tune in!The pick: Southampton (+105)Sunday 11:30Burnley vs West Ham United – Nothing in my lifetime of sports fandom has been stranger than relegation. We went from being so shit we were cast out of the premiership to “that team is so loaded there is no way they don’t win the league”, and I’m not buying it.The pick: Draw (+240)Monday 3:00Cardiff City vs Wrexham – I’m going to take the home team here just to go against the celebrity bias built into the number. Personally, I think this is the season Wrexham outgrow Phil Parkinson. He may last the season, but I think they start slow, panic, let him go, and fall just short of the playoff again.The Pick: Cardiff City (+135)SO. That’s all I got. I hope this helps you enjoy the lesser, lesser footy for one week till the big boys get back. Incidentally, as far as the three teams I’ll predict to be joining you guys up there in the EPL next season, I’m going with Middlesborough and Wolves, because I think they’re the best teams. And Southampton, because in this timeline, cheaters always prosper.
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