/intercom buzzes
SECRETARY: Mr. Berson? Your 9am is here.
DAVID: Ugh, Samantha, I asked you not to interrupt me. :fidgets: How long has he been waiting? 15 minutes? Make him wait 3 more and then send him in.
/looks down under his desk
And you are going to have to hurry up if you want earn that bonus.
[THREE MINUTES LATER]
/PANTS ZIP CLOSED
DAVID: Send him in, Samantha.
[UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE THROUGH THE DOOR] Thanks, SAAAAAAAAAM.
DAVID: Jesus.
/DOOR GENTLY OPENS
You wanted to see me, boss?
Thanks for coming in on short notice, Phil. Look, I think you know how hard being a TV executive is. It’s a tough job. Much tougher than sitting around in a phone booth reminiscing about Ottis Anderson and helping Jim Nantz feel intellectually superior.
JEEEEEEM? What does ole JEEEEM have to do with anything?
Well, I know how attached you are to JIM, so I know this won’t be easy. But we’re replacing you in the broadcast booth.
Whaaaaa? With whoooooooom?
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
Tony Romo here for OxyClean!
Tony, we discussed this. I’m glad you’re carrying a mic around as practice, but you’ll be in the booth, not endorsing random products.
Fine.
I have a mic, too BEEEEEERSON. Why can’t I stay with JEEEEEEM?
Well, there’s a lot of reasons. First of all, you can’t speak English. You are often ranked as the worst broadcaster in any of the top booths, and that’s a low bar. And you farted during a live broadcast this past season. More importantly, Tony here has star power. The kids get him, he dates hotties, he can speak to the brutality of the modern NFL and what happens when you literally break your back and people still expect you to play. And we can pay him less since Jerry Jones is still on the hook for oodles of cash.
But I’m on the top broadcasting team! Won’t viewers be upset they don’t have me and JEEEEEEM to tell them what to expect?
Let me jump in there and take that one, Dave. See how I pronounce one syllable quickly? Take a note. Anyway, you yourself pointed out last year that my injury timeline last year didn’t make any sense, and that was the most lucid thing you’ve said on air since you confused yourself with Boomer Esiason and went after Dan Marino for not winning a Super Bowl. I’m a hot commodity, and CBS had to strike before I decided to spend all my time golfing and pulling a Jeter. And we expect most of the NFL fan reaction to this news to be positive, since you’re basically ear cancer.
So…what do I do now?
When you leave this room, there are two paths. Choose the one that you think will be best not just for you, but for America.
/DOOR MEEKLY OPENS AND CLOSES AGAIN AS PHEEEEL EXITS
Fuck.
[…] Lord. Obviously I’m not Jim Nantz, I don’t give a flying fuck about azaleas or Phil Simms. But to expand, there’s a Jungian concept called individuation that I am not qualified to […]
Those who are celebrating the most? The listeners with functioning ear drums.
WHAT??
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhLLMXMFKTk
FUCKING BEAUTIFUL
I don’t know how to feel. I adore making fun of Phil. I do not have the hatred for him as I do Gruden and Collinsworth.
If the vast majority (ok, maybe just feels that way) of your side’s fixtures were announced by that merde FOAR brains, you’d be less forgiving…
My hatred of FUCKING COLLINSWORTH far outweighs that of Simms, for me Simms is way easier to tune out. So meh. Simms means well, he’s just CTE+stupid.
My all time hated announcer (MHOAT) was Todd Jay FUCKING Christensen; even his liver hated him. A true pompous ass down to the depths of his soul. He had an extensive vocabulary (word a day calendar I suspect) and he felt far superior to anyone who didn’t. He would travel miles to wedge a fruitless multisyllabic in his behemoth analysis just to prove he knew the word. He would endlessly berate players by saying “He not injured.” and “In my day, you miss a catch like that and you were cut.” or the like.
Quality hate. LOFTY hate
http://i.amz.mshcdn.com/kYKiNSlfrdk2-kcYZ1w6iMXHl4I=/fit-in/1200×9600/2013%2F07%2F04%2F8d%2FHotDogGIFcl.2aff5.gif
You can laugh at Gruden and PHEEEEEEEEEL. You can’t laugh at Collinsworth, you can only feel seething hate and rage.
The new announcing booth:
“That’s my line!” — R. Goodell, National Disgrace
/FINES CBS SPORTS $1MILLION
That is also to say that if you think he’ll be allowed to discuss how fucked up it is how the NFL treats injured athletes, you’re even dumber than PHEEEEEL.
/SHOULDER SEPARATES
Is the book to prop the shotgun at the proper angle to
cause the most damagework best?EIGHT MONTHS LATER:
/BRRRRIIINNNGG
Phil: Hello?
Berson: Phil! Thank God, finally! We need you to come back to the broadcast booth right away!
Phil: No way. I thought you had Toooooony to do your stupid games.
Berson: We did, but he’s in the hospital. At the holiday party, Tony aspirated a whole bunch of Mary Beth’s three-bean salad, started coughing and passed out. Can you help us?
Phil: You should have thought about that before you fired me.
Berson: How were we supposed to know?
Phil: Because /sunglasses/ Romo always chokes in December. YYEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
I wish this comment weren’t better than my whole post.
http://i.imgur.com/FGkIQLJ.gif
Sasha Grey may choke, but she keeps working.