The scene: The Secret Base on the Island of Doktor Zymm! Ballsofsteelandfury is walking down the hallway with Moosemas Gorilla, Jerry and BFC.

BFC: We appreciate the tour! This place is yuuuge!

Ballsofsteelandfury: No problem. I figured you guys should know your way around a bit.

Jerry (walking toward a door): Hey, is that the room with that DERPy thing in it…?

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Two crabmen come tumbling out into the hallway, get up, and go running off screaming. Of course, they’re screaming in crabman language, so it sounds more like a high-pitched whistle.

BFC: More friends of yours?

Ballsofsteelandfury: I’ve never seen them bef-

Ballsofsteelandfury, BFC and Moosemas Gorilla scatter as several more crabmen come screaming (whistling) out of the lab. Jerry doesn’t scatter quite fast enough, and gets trampled.

Jerry (dazed, on the floor): Ow.

A split-second later an angry mass of purple Fozz barrels out of the room and chases the crabmen down the hall.

Fozz: FOZZ SMASH!!!

Fozz turns the corner and disappears from sight.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Now I do know that guy! Hey, if he’s back, that means…

Moosemas Gorilla: OOK!!!

Moosemas Gorilla hurtles into the laboratory, followed closely by Ballsofsteelandfury, and more cautiously by BFC and Jerry. Inside the lab they find that a modded-out divine chariot has crashed into the control panel for the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal and it’s smoking and sparking. The D.E.R.P. itself is open and active, and crabmen are pouring through it. Dionysus, the Greek god of tits and wine, is in the God Rod and swinging Man in Plaid #2’s head at the crabmen. Doktor Zymm is at the control panel, attempting to shut it down. Covalent Blonde has one crabman in a headlock and is viciously punching another one. And Horatio Cornblower is on the head of a crabman, tying its eye stalks together.

Horatio Cornblower: You jerks are messing with the wrong guy! I used to watch Deadliest Catch every week!

A large pincer grabs Horatio Cornblower as a crabman plucks him up and shakes him angrily.

Angry Crabman: Zk! Ktkt mmk! [Uncool, dude! That guy has glaucoma!]

Suddenly a roar sounds throughout the lab. The crabmen all look up in shock and awe as several hundred pounds of enraged ape vaults into the room, making a beeline for the crabman holding Horatio Cornblower.

Horatio Cornblower (to the crabman): Yeah, I think you might have really messed up here, guy.

Angry Crabman: Vkt? Mak vl pkok ngt…? [Da fuq? What the hell is that thing…?]

Moosemas Gorilla swats aside two crabmen who attempt to grab him. He grabs another one by the eye stalks and literally swings him in a threatening circle over his head with a terrifying roar. For a crabman, it’s kind of like getting hit in the balls. All the crabmen instinctively reach for their own eye stalks.

Spinning Crabman: Hf krmt nk krp! [It’s just like the old gypsy woman said!]

Moosemas Gorilla releases the crabman and he bounces off the far wall and falls to the floor. The ape then leaps through the air with a bellow that could wake the dead, straight toward the crabman holding Horatio Cornblower.

Angry Crabman: Vktu mk krns… [Aw, man, I knew I shoulda stayed in bed today…]

Moosemas Gorilla lands feet-first on the hapless crabman with a sound like…well, like a two-hundred pound crab getting cracked open by an ape-sized lobster mallet. Horatio Cornblower flies up into the air and falls right into the cupped paws of Moosemas Gorilla.

Moosemas Gorilla (overjoyed): Ook! Ook-ook-ook! Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Aww… I missed you too, pal! Dimension-hopping without you just wasn’t the same.

Moosemas Gorilla carefully places Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, pats him on his teeny-tiny head with a single finger, and then beats his massive chest mightily while bellowing out a thunderous roar.

Random Crabman: Yr vk…dk mkt ak! [Oh, crap…that excessively hirsute guy looks pissed!]

Other Random Crabman: Dkt vzt mku zrt kml! [Look, if the king wants a new squeeze that bad, he can come get her himself!]

Whistling in fear, the crabmen turn tail and run back into the portal. Except for the ones who ran out into the hallway earlier. And of course the one that Moosemas Gorilla squashed. That one’s not going anywhere.

Covalent Blonde (kicking a crabman as he runs past): Yeah, you better run! And keep your damn pincers to yourself next time!

Dionysus (to Man in Plaid #2’s head): She’s feisty!

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Some have also used the following descriptors: scary, intimidating, menacing, frightening…

Ballsofsteelandfury comes into the lab with BFC and Jerry.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting double finger guns): Now this is what happens when you have unprotected inter-dimensional relations, Zymm. You get crabmen.

Doktor Zymm (sighing): I can not get zis to shut off. I zink it vas damaged by zat ztupid chariot.

Dionysus (offended): That, my dear woman, is the God Rod. It is not just some “stupid chariot.”

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: …daunting, merciless, formidable…

Covalent Blonde: What the hell is he going on about?

Dionysus (tucking Man in Plaid #2’s head beneath his arm): Nothing! I think he’s a bit off-kilter from all the travel.

Horatio Cornblower: Me, too! I could really use a nap.

Moosemas Gorilla (wandering out the door): Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: You said it, pal.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Look, Zymm, just get some ninjas to guard the portal until you can shut it down.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, zat ist eine gut idea…

Covalent Blonde: Besides, the way those crabmen ran away, they’re not gonna be coming back anytime soon…

Cut to: The crabmen’s home planet of Ksskyrr. Crabmen are scattered everywhere, and recovering from their losing battle with the DFO.

Random Crabman: Vkt klk mnk. [Well, that sucked]

Other Random Crabman: Hk. Mklt vkvk tk. [No kidding. We got our asses kicked back there.]

Random Crabman: Glk mnk vktk tk. [I’m getting too old for this shit.]

Suddenly the sky lights up as a tricked-out custom ’57 Chevy roars down out of the sky and lands on the planet. Orange sand sprays over the crabmen as it squeals to a stop.

[CHEVY DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Minerva, the Roman goddess of wisdom, medicine, poetry, war and a bunch of other stuff steps out from the driver’s side. Fluttering out behind her is Cupid, cherubic god of desire. Hercules, son of Zeus and the patron god of Venice Beach, gets out of the passenger side and sidles up to Minerva. Minerva eyes the glowing portal and turns toward the crabmen.

Minerva: You, there! Did you see a large, purple Fozz-thing come through here ?

Random Crabman: Nk? Vkl mkmt. [Did we? Hell, yeah, and I hope we never see him again.]

Other Random Crabman: Vkt mkt nk. [He went through that glowing hole-thingy.]

Random Crabman: Pktjk kmt mk. [Trust us, you do not wanna go after him.]

Hercules (stroking Minerva’s hair): We could stay here… Settle down, maybe start a family…

Minerva (exasperated): By Vulcan’s Hammer! Cupid, how long is this love spell of yours going to last?

Cupid (shrugging): It varies, Aunt Minerva. It’s more art than science, y’know.

Minerva: Fine. All right, get your quiver ready, because we’re going…

Hercules (hopefully): To bed?

Minerva (gritting her teeth): No, you idiot. I was going to say, we’re going into that portal, and Zeus help whomever gets in our…

Hercules: Pants?

Minerva: Of, for… Look, just go into the portal and smash everything on the other side, all right?

Cupid (nocking an arrow): Now we’re talkin’…

To be continued…