Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 9, 2017

This was a week for FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!! apparently, as we had fisticuffs of various intensity break out in three matches.  Guess the time change has everyone a bit grumpy, even if fall is the one we like.

We lead off with our intrepid RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! pals, who came out of the bye week hotter than ever.  The cross-country trip was no problem, perhaps because Los Gigantes were the opponent.  In any event, Baby Buster made 4 touched downs on 14 completions, which is just insane.  His YPA for the afternoon came out to 14.1, which…ok, I get it, NOT a bust.  And New York is just a fucking wreck.  51-17 your final.

Also a murdering?  New Orleans over Tampa Bay, 30-10.  It was 30-3 for seemingly half the afternoon, which was seemingly enough to cause Mike Evans to snap and go full wrestling heel.  Rapey Jameis, previously deemed too injured to play any more (shoulder boo boo) was apparently not too hurt to fracas.  I’m sure that pleased Tampa brass immensely.  Alvin Kamara continued to win your fantasy league single-handedly.

It’s an odd-numbered week, so the Jaguras were naturally unstoppable – even without the suspended Leonard Fournette.  AJ Green had a fight (nice choke hold tackle, for a skill position dude) with the Jags’ top CB, and Cincy abandoned all hope of further offensing after that.  23-7, and boy howdy, was that fun viewing FOAR the peoples of Ohio and Northern Florida.  PRO TIP – don’t live there.

Savage Garden was just as bad as we all remembered him.  Yooooouston needed a punt return TD just to stay competitive in this one, despite somehow having 1st and goal down only 6 in the final minute.  Fittingly, the game ended on a sad sack/fumble.  20-14, Humps.

I don’t want to talk about Brock Lobster’s trip to Philly.  NEXT!

Flaccid Flacco backdoor covered the team over/under (19.5) in the final minute, to lose to Los Titanicos only 23-20 and cost me like $63.  I hate that fucking guy.  This game was a puppy abortion from start to finish.

Falcons/Panthers wasn’t much better, as Cam Newton still can’t really throw the ball…but still managed to outduel Matty Ice’s 300-yard output by a 20-17 final (which was 20-10 for much of the 2nd half).  I swear to fuck, it was voodoo.

As we are coming to expect, the late games offered the bananacakes action, but not where it was expected.  KC/DAL?  A meh affair, other than a hilarious, “undercover” Hail Mary play before the half, where Tiny Hands dumped the ball to Tyreek Hill around the 25, allowing him to gather speed in the open field, pick up blocks, then break surprisingly few tackles on his way to the end zone (everyone expects student body left or laterals, and I guess the brain doesn’t react fast enough when expectations aren’t met, plus Tyreek is fast as fuck).  Andy Reid predictably followed that up by getting Hill only one more touch (a jet sweep handoff inside the 10) and one more target (sideline pass out of bounds) before the game was well over in garbage time.  DAK! reminded us he’s the best or 2nd best QB in the game right now (with Watson and Rodgers out), depending on how much credit you grudgingly give Dreamboat.

What about Charmslinger? you say?  Well, he played in the bananacakes game, and until his penultimate drive, he sucked out loud.  Now, some of it was playcalling (every other play was seemingly a Hail Mary, and the refs weren’t gonna just give them free DPI), but much of it was Wilson.  He’s not consistent enough, even at Watson’s level.  Now, he still has enough magic that he’s probably #3 after DAK! and Boat!, and he showed it in giving the SeaTruthers a 14-10 lead (safety/3 missed FG/TD/TD/2 missed 2-pt).  The last drive started at 2:14 at his own 27, and took maybe 30-35 seconds.  Because when he’s on, he’s fucking incredible.  So…back to Captain Dingleberry, who even accounting for his patchwork OL, had been fucking hideous all day.  Taking bad sacks, holding the ball like a loaf of bread, throwing it for grabs with a fucking lead on the road and his defense playing balls out.  Then all of a sudden, he has the ball down 4, 90 seconds to play, and he’s Joe Fucking Montana.  He just needs 32 seconds or so, TD Redacteds.  A long pass and the SeaTruthers are on the precipice of FG range, but noooooo they are too precious to spike it and RW gets caught, knee going down before he can throw the ball away (great reffing to catch it live).  This means time only for a Hail Mary toss, and it is picture perfect – but the Redacted defender expertly bats it away from Mr. Basketball and we aren’t haunted by Touchdown Seahawks! the sequel.

Oh, and the Fightin Tomsulas lost again, at home to Drew Stanton.  Ouch.  And they can has fight too.  That’s all I got to say about that.

Finally, for some insane fucking reason, I bet the moneyline on the Fish to beat the Raiders (hey, home dog amirite??) on SNF.  As you know, I am very, very stupid.  Derek Carr made many passing yards happen.  Beastmode even scored (TWICE), for old-time’s sake.