[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

Log In

Your “Oh Right, Waiting IS The Hardest Part” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

/

,

NFL News:

  • After a penalty-filled game against the Swaguars, Vikings coach Mike Zimmer said the new helmet rule “will cost people jobs”.
    • When reached for comment, his special assistant had this to add:
“Roger Goodell – now there’s a national disgrace.”
  • In news that will shock… SHOCK you, and possibly revive Crimebeat!, Richie Incognito has been arrested again.
    • Charges of disorderly conduct and making threats are his reward for allegedly creating a disturbance by “acting erratically and making the employees feel incredibly uncomfortable” while handling arrangements for his late father.
      • Incognito allegedly made a gun gesture toward one of the employees, and he said that he had guns in his truck. According to the source, weapons were indeed in his truck, and the weapons were impounded.
  • As confirmed last night, the [Redacteds] have signed Adrian Peterson to replace the injured Derrius Guice.
    • In a sign of how far he’s fallen, AP signed for the League minimum of $1.05 million, based upon his years of experience.
      • The minimum veteran minimum is $630,000.
    • As CBS Sports coldly notes, AP was released a year ago because the Vikings didn’t want to pay him $18 million.
      • That money instead has gone to Kirk Cousins.
  • Cut by the Seahawks, no doubt for questioning the veracity of the Russian hacking claims, Jon Ryan has ended up on the Bills.
    • Who were looking for a punter after Cory Carter tore his ACL on the weekend.

Finally, Victor Cruz has retired & joined ESPN’s booth as an analyst.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet / MLBN
    • Cardinals at Dodgers – 10:00PM | ESPN / TSN
  • Little League World Series:
    • U.S. Elimination Game – 7:30PM | ESPN
  • WNBA Playoff:
    • Dallas Wings at Phoenix Mercury – 7:00PM | ESPN2
    • Minnesota Lynx at Los Angeles Sparks – 9:00PM | ESPN2
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • The road to Miz-Bryan at Wrestlemania begins tonight!

God, the regular season can start anytime. Tom?

NOW I’M SAD AGAIN!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Tags:

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
125 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Wakezilla

Update: 3 beers in and ToddlerZilla’s Pink Whisper Ride Cruiser is done. There was over 25 steps. Jesus.
#beermakesyoubetteratassemblingshit

1
Brick Meathook

I’m eating an ice cream cone, in case anyone was wondering.

1
WCS

I wasn’t, but, the fire department and EMS spent the last hour in the building across the lot. Also, I’m watching 1996’s Broken Arrow, and sipping cheap beer, if you were wondering.

2
Brick Meathook

I am now eating an ice cream sandwich, in accordance with my master plan.

1
Wakezilla

How do you eat an ice cream cone?

0
Wakezilla

ToddlerZilla was given a Step 2 Whisper Ride Cruiser for her birthday. The instructions are in zoomed up pictures and does not show everything required in each step. Urge to go on a homicidal rampage is up to 11.

I found better instructions online though, which is nice. Holy fuck, though.

2
litre_cola

Evening commentists. This old body made it through another ball season with no injuries. Take that father time!

/so achy every morning.

5
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Wakezilla

Did you guys win?

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ball season is also the BDSM club’s favorite time of year

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

4
rockingdog

last funny for the night:

comment image

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

4
Brick Meathook

comment image

1
Brick Meathook

comment image

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
WCS

comment image

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes, even if that is just cookie dough rolled and choco-bitted.

0
WCS

That’s the point! I’d eat my dog if she was composed of cookie dough and chocolate chips!

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
Spur

I’m going to need some background on this.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Are you sure?

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[apparently edited scene from Twin Peaks]

0
JustStopDude

comment image

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

“Dinosaurs eating CEO” by John Brosio, oil on canvas

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

0
rockingdog

comment image

1
rockingdog

found a funny:

One day you wake up and everything has been replaced with an exact duplicate. It looks right but feels wrong. You can’t shake it. An uneasy man walks by you and whispers “maybe you’re the only one who changed”. But that can’t be right. You’re the center of the universe

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Damn Pomeranians. Just a buncha little perverts if you ask me.

1
Spur

Starting to sound a lot like the Orange Asshole. Next you’re going to suggest we keep all Pomeranians in cages.

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just the puppies.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Like veal.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Cages? No, that’s too good for those little assholes.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

They’re nuthin’ but hippie Chihuahuas with long hair and an attitude of entitlement.

Fuck ’em.

0
rockingdog

10 Pomeranians vs 10 Chihuahuas, who wins?

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is tough; we need some formulas.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

The big dog with the getaway car wins.
No one denies this.
comment image

2
Brick Meathook

I’d wipe my ass with that dog and then put it back.

5
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Imaginative erotica.

0
Sharkbait

Sigh. I almost can’t believe this.

https://www.vox.com/2018/8/21/17766468/trump-rally-manafort-cohen-clinton-lock-her-up-west-virginia

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
WCS

You can’t? I’m certain 90% of that crowd have never heard of Paul Manafort or Michael Cohen

5
Sharkbait

Wishful thinking.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

2
Spur

I’m starting to get a little concerned these people don’t have access to information

6
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

I’m not sure what you mean.

1
WCS

FAEK NEWZ LIES LOCK HER UPP!111!!!!11! BULD THE WALL

MAGA

2
Brick Meathook

A Naval Academy graduate who retired as a Commander is a fuck-up.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What’s your point? Not to make generalizations without circumstance or context?

An ad hominem, short for argumentum ad hominem, is an attack on an argument made by attacking the character, motive, or other attribute of the person making the argument, rather than attacking the argument directly.

0
Brick Meathook

My point is that this guy is a self-described fuck-up based on his Twitter handle. My point has nothing to do with the text about the Fox news sucking, which I agree with completely. I’m more interested in this guy’s Twitter handle, which is really a desperate cry for help.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Whoa. We like her a lot.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

And by “we” I mean me and my penis.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, according to his ex-wife Joss Whedon cheated on her multiple times with the ladies from his shows. Not cool, but…can any one of us say we’d do any differently? I mean, we could, but we’d be lying.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not judging, but if I was you I’d say “yes honey, I am differently”.

Then, when she corrects your grammar, say thank you and offer to draw her a bath.

0
Spanky Datass

KEREKES! In my pants …

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
nomonkeyfun

Don’t you hate it when you get white stuff all over prematurely.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s prom night all over again.

/was on prom committee and accidentally set off confetti cannons before King and Queen had been announced

5
herodotus450

As long as you got the bucket of blood timing right

4
ballsofsteelandfury

I feel “confetti cannons” are your balls.

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dude, I keep telling you, you GOTTA hydrate more.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

First reaction from my moderate Republican friends today: “yeah, but no one cares when you lie about sex and Trump is just going to spend time rounding up immigrants after that Iowa thing, so I don’t see why this is a big deal. He’s not getting impeached and might even still get reelected.”

If you need me, I’ll be smashing my head through various hard surfaces.

6
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

4
ballsofsteelandfury

They’re not wrong. If he makes it to the election, he’s probably reelected. The only possible way to get him out is for him to be convicted of crimes.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s a “tWBS’ past girlfriends” joke here. I’m sure as shit not gonna be the one to make it, however.

But….good dog. Now get some fucking self-respect.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Jiffy.

1
rockingdog

RockingDog approves of this dog!

1
herodotus450

I suspect the Manafort and Cohen news was allllll orchestrated by Urban Meyer and his cohort of sex slaves to divert attention from the investigation results tomorrow… But there’s no way he’s THAT powerful, unless… he had help frm the Reverse Vampires! Of course! It all makes sense.

3
herodotus450

Fo real tho there’s like a 70% chance the Rand Corporation is involved
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNpmJVa10PU

7
rockingdog

hahahaha

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Redshirt

I just had a idea:

Why can’t the FBI and CIA create a worm or virus in Donald Trump’s twitter account that simulate working conditions? He can tweet and the program will generate responses. But his views will not go out into the general public.

0
herodotus450

Where’s the money in that?

0
herodotus450

COMPELLING EVIDENCE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LFkN7QGp2c

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, let’s start with he chooses not to and go from there.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

I love these indictments. Even though these asshole get to serve time in Club Prison; minimum security.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

4
Brick Meathook

I had a girlfriend who looked exactly like this, down to every detail. They could be twins. The problem? Stone cold crazy

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

2
ballsofsteelandfury

But the sex, right?

0
Brick Meathook

That’s how they lure you in, then they start trying to kill you.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Interesting from the woman’s side: “He was a bit crazy; killed her and five of her coworkers because he couldn’t “have her.””

0
Redshirt

(warning Incoming Rant)

(sets down soapbox) (notices beer bottles and knives about to be thrown in general direction)

“ITS NOT POLITICAL THIS TIME!!!”

(beer bottles and knives are set down)

As I was about to say….

https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2018/08/20/vatican-priest-embarrassed-scandalized-prosecutor-deters-death-penalty-stance/1045682002/

A Vatican priest is more concerned about the local prosecutor’s views on the Death Penalty than Child Abusing Priests.

To put into context for those fortunate enough to avoid Ohio:

Joe Deters was speaking in his role as County Prosecutor of Hamilton County, Ohio (Cincinnati), right after a case where a person raped and murdered four women (two girls) after being paroled after serving a 16-year sentence for killing his girlfriend. In all 5 cases, he burned their bodies to avoid capture.

The Catholic Church has allowed and condoned a culture where priests who abuse children are absolved of all Earthly punishment and get off with reassignment.

This is my favorite part:

“You(r) comments imply that your personal conscience and experience have given you moral insight superior to that of your church,” Mueller wrote to Deters. “May I suggest that this is indicative of a kind of spiritual pride or rigidity on your part. An antidote would be for you to chat with a good confession.”

They are concerned about the soul of a prosecutor not following the Pope? What about the souls of the priests who have committed these ungodly sins?! And what about the souls of those who have been hurt by the priests, who have turn their backs from God, due to this torture?!?! That’s what really pisses me off! These assholes haven’t risk their own immortal souls, but the souls of those they hurt!!!

I’m a sinner. I admit and confess it. I have no right to judge anyone anymore than this priest does. But if this priest is so concerned about wayward souls, I’d direct them to the priest they are protecting. Because I doubt they will get the same Mercy their victims will get when they are called before the Altar to stand Judgment for their sins.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nobody expects a reverse Spanish inquisition…..

4
herodotus450

Eh, the church, who cares, do they even have an app?

1
Brick Meathook

comment image
comment image

6
LemonJello

comment image

8
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
rockingdog

Found a cool-
Our Man in Iran: Part 1

https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/our-man-in-tehran/#video-1

0
Spur

Folks

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Ian Scott McCormick

I made a bacon cheeseburger that I want to have sex with. I’ve been cooking with bacon grease for a while. I don’t give a shit. I’m ready to die this way.

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My entire childhood; almost everything cooked in a skillet started (at least) with bacon grease.

1
Ian Scott McCormick

I could cook dogshit in that stuff and it’s going to be at least decent. I’ve been browning meatballs in the stuff before I threw them in the oven. Browning meat for lasagna. Doing pancakes. Brownie batter. I did salmon, which defeats the entire health benefits of salmon, but whatever. It’s a fucking cheat code.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Redshirt

I felt the same way when I had bacon in college. My parents overcooked their bacon, to the point where it was a black fragile strip with no taste.

I had a Bacon Cheeseburger when I was 32 from a Lunch Truck at work. I damn near broke down into tears for the taste I was feeling.

1
Ian Scott McCormick

See, I don’t go that deep with it. I go enough for some snap, but it’s not dust in my mouth. I just want enough grease to put in the ceramic dish for the fridge. I’ve got videos of my two year old girl screaming “BACON” and grabbing the stuff. We’re all going to die of heart attacks in a year. It’s kind of sweet, really.

1
scotchnaut

I try hard to be numb but Feist has me figured out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68

1
rockingdog

comment image

5
scotchnaut

I have this very itchy feeling that Manafort will be pardoned by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

1
herodotus450

He has another trial next month which I believe is a state court issue, which means trump cant pardon a conviction.

1
scotchnaut

I think you be correct. I just wanted to tamp down immediate expectations. This’ll take quite some time to play out.

1
Spur

accepting a pardon is a admission of guilt. How would that effect related state charges and outgoing investigations?

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It means any state charges for similar crimes would be instant convictions.

0
Brick Meathook

It means his children have to go to jail.

1
WCS

All of this happening today, and both The Daily Show and Colbert are off this week. Naturally.

0
Brick Meathook

I have yet to understand why Trevor Noah is on television.

1
herodotus450

Probably Elon Musk’s doing.

0
Redshirt

Process of Elimination. Everyone good at Daily Show already left for talk show or a career.

0
Ian Scott McCormick

I don’t know if this is a hot take, but I consider Seth Meyers to be the spiritual successor Jon Stewart.

1
Brick Meathook

That is a hot taek! Seth Meyers is awful.

0
Sharkbait

To Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AL8chWFuM-s

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just to recap today’s headlines here in the U.S.

1. Paul Manafort convicted on eight counts.
2. Michael Cohen pleads guilty on eight counts.
3. Duncan Hunter (come on just try to guess – CA) and wife indicted for stealing campaign funds

Next up: OMAROSA’S VIDEO!

6
scotchnaut

I had no idea he was this vindictive…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5bqMDGWXO8

1
Redshirt

Oh, dear God. Omarosa has a sex video?!

(reaches for cynaide pill)

1
herodotus450

[Endless parade of “It’s Happening” gifs begins.]
Manafort, Cohen
comment image

4
125
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x