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Hey Bros and Ladies,
Your pal Wakezilla finally got some time off to do some fun stuff during his winter vacation. As a result, I decided to hit up Aquabro, starring my boy, Jason Bromoa. Here’s my review of this brotastic film. Grab a Bud Light Lime and have a seat because here’s a little background info:
Here’s a real world recreation of this storm in White Rock, BC, Canadia.
/Downs a jager bomb for the White Rock pier. I honestly can’t even tell you how many times I got a first kiss or got to first base on that pier.
Naturally, when a tight bodied blonde floats up on the shore and Aquadad notices she hadn’t been beaten or stabbed by her pimp, he takes Atlanna back to his lighthouse and tends to her.
In terms of relationships, I always tell my nephews when they end a bad relationship to not chase, but replace. The King and Queen of Atlantis’ relationship clearly ended piss poorly. Instead of replacing, the King chases after Atlanna by sending Aquapigs. Thankfully, these Aquapigs had guns, while the Queen had a trident. So she grabbed her long, erect staff, and proceeded to make bacon out of the Aquapigs. As an aside, we need more superheroes who wreck cops in these films (Batman, I’m looking at you).
Realizing her ex-husband would likely send an army next time, Atlanna decides to return to Atlantis so Aquabro could grow-up to become a man and take back the throne, who would inevitably go to the baby that the King of Atlantis was going to rape Atlanna out of. After the King forces a baby out of the Queen, he sends her packing to be eaten by zombie sea horses as punishment. As expected, the baby that was the byproduct of rape, Oram, grows up and becomes King and is more crazier than your ex-partner.
/Fast forward to the modern day
We have a black father and son pirate team who have held a Russian sub hostage. I mean, pirates aren’t cool, but, this father and son love each other and I couldn’t help but ask the question as to WHY CAN’T I HAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, DAD?
*ahem*
So, as the father talks about his father being the greatest marine in WWII no one ever heard of because he was black, he explains that his peers called him Manta because of his stealth like abilities. Right when the audience is really feeling sympathetic for these loveable pirates, a shirtless and ridiculously handsome Aquabro appears and reminds the audience as to why they’re the baddies:
They’re the baddies because they were hijacking a Russian submarine during Happy hour, which was cutting into Aquabros cheap drinking time, brah. NOT COOL!
Human weapons don’t work on Aquabro. When a human weapon lands on Aquabro, there was a spectacular cut to Aquabro’s face where he is smiling while his luscious hair inexplicably flows. Also, at the end of the brew-ha-ha, Daddy-Pirate is stuck under something heavy that son-Pirate cannot remove. After pleading with Aquabro, Aquabro replied with “Your pops is cool, but you two have killed way too many bros for my liking. He should seek mercy,” and then leaves. That seems like a reasonable response that leaves the audience, but was it right?
A quick commercial break by this review’s sponsor, Xyience!
In the second phase of the film, it’s established that Atlantis has 7 kingdoms and if someone gets 4 on their side, they have the most powerful army in the world and earn the title of ocean master. Aquabro’s half brother, Oram, is trying to accomplish this so he can wage war on the people living on the ground because they’re all pigs destroying the world. This is a major break of protocol as Atlantis is supposed to let their presence be known first, then, they must send a warning. Mera, played by Amber Heard, who is set to marry Oram, isn’t down with all this genocide because protocol has been broken and terra and aqua dwellers should be living in harmony, not beefing like 50 Cent and Ja Rule. She goes and tracks down Aquabro to make sure he lays claim to the throne and doesn’t do something bunk like start a genocide.
Essentially she tells Arthur that he has to pull a sword trident out of a stone and then the people of Atlantis will follow him. It’s not as easy as that, since Aquabro has to prove that he’s worthy, which he does– once he has a real talk with a Krakken guarding the sword by saying something along the lines of “Octobro, I don’t want to be the one, but I am the one who can save countless of lives. So if you’re against that, you can piss off.” That is mostly verbatim.
However, things get pretty real once Black Manta shows up in Atlantian technology.
Realizing who Black Manta is and understanding his decision to not save Black Manta’s father resulted in Aquabro gaining an arch-nemesis is the kind of reflection you don’t normally get in a superhero film. It was pretty deep to see Aquabro understand that he has to crush villains responsibly and that all lives are precious.
*Sips his Long Island Ice Tea*
The third act is so banana cakes with ten servings of nuts, I’m not going to say anything except there are numerous battle scenes where sharks and other badass animals shoot lasers during battles (also known as Dr. Evil’s The Fappening), and an Octopus plays the bongos. It’s heavy metal, brah!
What I liked about the film:
A) Aquabro is an entertaining film that will keep you amused the entire time with batshit insane imagery and alpha bro one line zingers that are so over-the-top, you will laugh.
II) But what I really liked most out of this film was that underneath the Broness of it all, the Aquaman character is dynamic and displays vulnerability that most other DC or Marvel Superhero characters have not displayed. It’s also nice to see a character not already in its final product. I think superhero films have it wrong by giving characters their peak powers when at the beginning of the film, they didn’t realize they were superheroes. Superman shouldn’t be able to take down Zod in the first film because there’s no where else to go after defeating a Kryptonian. Similarly, Dr. Strange shouldn’t know every hocus pocus spell after a night of studying and become a guy who can out box Floyd Mayweather because magic runs through his veins. Aquaman is a badass, but he has barely scratched the surface of his powers. The viewer is going to watch him develop over the next several years which is going to make every new thing he does epic.
Q) The ending of Aquabro is fantastic and more movies should follow this path. Not only are there several paths that Aquabro 2: Do you even lift? could follow, but, the Justice League could get involved as well. I’d mention one particular storyline, but, I don’t want to spoil anything.
5) Mera and Atlanna kicked major ass as in the movie. I’d be down for seeing a movie where either character was featured.
5B) Shit, Black Manta and his father were so cool, I’d totally be down for a prequel where Black Manta and his Dad just go around, pirating it up while they show their love and respect for each other. And if they follow up on the WWII Black Manta possibly being Atlantian, that opens up even more doors for Black Manta.
What I didn’t like:
and
Final thoughts:
This movie looked good in 3D. Though, I don’t think you need it. However, if you are going to use any sort of substance to watch this film, definitely go watch it in 3D.
All in all, I give this movie
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