Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 6, 2019 Season

It wasn’t a great Sunday of FITBAW! – but it was weird.  Given the Timeline we are in, weird will have to do.

Were you up bright and early to watch the start of Most Glorious Mandatory 14-Hour Viewing Window?  Well, fuck most of y’all, you missed a sweet fair catch free kick FG attempt, by the Black Panthers’ Joey Slye.  Taken from midfield with no snap or rush, it was well within Slye’s range.  But the forces of entropy were just too much for his delicate little kicker brain.  But speaking of little brains – Rapey Jameis turned the ball over like it was his jerb, putting to rest (I hope) once and for all that sufficient athletic talents will outweigh functional retardation.  Kyle Allen wins again, and Charlotte is now thinking playoffs.

They don’t share the division lead, though.  For Teddy Ballgame game managed the Saints to a 13-6 win in Duuuuuval.  Clock struck midnight on Gardner Minshew, who was fucking terrible.  Sean Payton remains an excellent coach, working around his QB situation AND a banged up Bitchin’ Kamara.  New Orleans is 5-1, and poses the biggest obstacle to the New Prophecy.

Yes, you can officially bury RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and their contention window.  Santa Clara (backed by maybe 60-70% of the fans in the Coliseum) smacked the OKC Bomber’s crew in the mouth.  20-7, and it didn’t seem anywhere NEAR that close.  In PERFECT SoCal weather, Baby Buster went 13-for-24, 78 yards.  3.3 YPA.  Holy shit.

Twas an even worse day for Non-Gendered Cowpersons, losing in the Meadowlands (to the JEST!!??) 24-22.  DAK! and pals lost Amari Cooper early (to injury), and didn’t get off the ground until it was too late.  Dallas’ defense was much better in the 2nd half, but still surrendered a late FG that proved to be decisive, when their last-minute 2 point attempt failed.  Also, unless my count was wrong?  There were penalties called on SIX consecutive plays on that final TD drive.  4 on NYJ, 2 on DAL.  What a shitshow.  First 3 weeks compared to last 3 weeks are all like:

Somebody say shitshow?  Yes, someone had to win in South Florida, and that someone would be the Case Keenum/Bill Callahan Redacteds.  Despite gakking up a 17-3 Q4 lead to BloodSugarFitzMagic, the Dacted D stuffed the potential winning 2-point conversion.  Agree with the decision, though a draw would have been goddamned hilarious.  Look, we get it, LOLfins.  You are taking Tua or that fucker from Oh-ray-GAWNE.  No need to pretend you are giving Chosen Rosen an open tryout anymore.

Dallas is still tied for first, thanks to Philly playing like they usually do on the road.  Unless in Lambeau, I guess?   Anyway, when Captain Dingleberry can get 333 and 4 scores on you?  We don’t have to take you seriously as a possible contender.  38-20 was your final score.

Hippo and DonT had a minor Derby in the late window, and it was like one of those “crush bugs with your feet” porn videos.  Hey, it was an episode series on The Practice, you philistines.  Rallying around their fallen Chubb, the Donks defense was an iron wall for the second week in a row.  This time, it was good enough for a 16-nil shutout.  The mountain west region is happy.  We saw Tanny Fanny late in this one, as Mariota was just beyond hopeless.

Atlanta got ALL the fantasy garbage time (grumble grumble Litre), losing 34-33 to the Qardinals on a missed extra point.  Turns out that garbage offensive scheme works much, much better against the likes of the Bungles and Falcons.  I still don’t think much of Kyler as a professional quartered back.  David Johnson made an incredible catch for the winning TD.  So much for the bad back.

Speaking of the Bungles, they took the opening kickoff to the house, and tried hard the entire way.  But the Ratbirds still won 23-17, thanks to about a mile worth of Lamar! rushing yards.  As Redshirt noted in the game thread, Cincy just has NO offensive line play whatsoever.  Fatal flaw is fatal.

I can’t believe I made it this far without the most important AFC match of the day (which, like SF/LAR in the NFC, received NO national coverage by the networks – GREAT FUCKING COMMISIONERING, as usual).  Houston overcame an early 17-3 deficit to win at Arrowhead, 31-24.  Coach Buttchinski even had the smarts to forego a long FG at the end, picking up a 4th and 3 to go victory formation instead.  At least it was nice to see Man of the Year candidate back on the pitch, dancing around like he had not a care in the world.  Really buttresses one’s belief in Karma!

Baker Mayfield, the NFL’s version of Tiny Hands, is very interesting to watch.  However, he is in no way, shape, or form GOOD.  His wacky, Favre-ian turnovers gave the SeaTruthers a very undeserved road win, 32-28.  But a win is a win, and RW’s MVP candidacy continues to strengthen.  I mean, who fucking else, really?

We closed with Yinzburgh invading Carson, and if not for the Mandatory Viewing Window, I would have watched maybe 5 minutes of this.  Really, can you believe the NFL let that shitty, lesser Lesser Footy pitch (with almost nothing but fat fucks in yellow and gold in the seats) serve as SNF showcase?  Anyway, Clippers du Merde are now apparently the Team One Gets Well Against (as Hippo appreciated in Week Five).  This was a severe beatdown delivered by the Yinzers, don’t be fooled by garbage time.  WOO, Denver is no longer in last place!!