Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week Ten

Oh, we have seen some herp. And we have seen some derp. But Week Ten was chock full of some truly special stuff.

Start with the bestest. Elvis Dumervil. I can’t even. The Jaguras, without even enough time to run a spike play, barely get the snap off, and Bortles instantly falls flat on his ass. But lo, this is not university footy, so he may get up. Not that it would do him much good, except…Doom grabs his facemask, and grabs it good. 15 yard penalty, untimed down, 53 yard FG, Jaguras win and stay alive in the shit-tastic AFC South.

What discussion of derp is complete without a Nacho sighting? AND WE GOT ONE! Vintage form, too, as he throws a crucial interception to preserve the road win for the Dolphins. The Iggles are not good at this footbaw thing. NFC East, though. Good teams need not apply.

Speaking of not good…HAI DALLAS. Finding new and interesting ways to lose every week. The kicker even had the yips today! Rapey Jameis got in on the herp, dropping the ball as he was preparing to leap into the end zone for the go-ahead TD. But not to be out-derped…defensive holding on the Pokes, let’s have a do-over. Because Lovie is Lovie, he puts the ball in the idiot manchild’s hands again, but it works out. 10-6 Bucs. Dallas is 2-7, and of course, still totes in the hunt.

Looks like we have a new entrant in the “we ain’t even pretending to give a shit no more” club, and it’s the N’Awlins Saints. 47-14 losers at Washington. No, that’s not a drunken/pilled out typo.

The Giants get an awesome moral victory and beat the spread against the P*ts! Let’s not speak about that game any further. Or the inevitability of how the playoffs will end. Denial is a perfectly good defense mechanism. So is drinking.

No moral victories to be had in Mile High, I’m afraid. If PeyPey is headed to the glue factory, it’s a pretty lousy way to end a Hall of Fame career. 5 completitions, 4 picks against a piss-ant Chefs defense at home. The entire team was garbage today, from start to finish. I honestly have no idea what has happened since that lovely SNF ass-whipping of the Packers.

Not to say that the Packers have proven to be that fucking great themselves. Pretty derpy game by the Lions – TWO missed extra points gave the Packers a chance to tie late, then when they missed the two, Megatron dropped the onside kick! But for once, lady luck shone on Detroit, as Longwell badly shanked the 52-yarder that would have won it.

Welcome to sole possession of first place, Minnesota. Yeah, sounds weird to me too. Purple Jesus picked on somebody his own size this week, and the Raiders drop a home game they really couldn’t afford to lose.

The Ben comes on early for a hurt The Landry to slaughter The Factory. Looking pretty good for a Wild Card berth for the Yinzers, likely in the favorable “against the AFC South shithead” slot.

Great day for Cam Newton and the Panthers defense in a convincing 27-10 win over the Titans. The #1 overall seed in the NFC is starting to look like a fait accompli.

The Wally Pipp-ing of Matt Forte and the resurrection of the Chicago Bears continued, as Jeremy Langford and the Bears mauled the Rams in St. Louis. This will have no bearing on whether Jason Heyward re-ups with the Cardinals, so nobody in Missouri cares.

It’s time to complete the burial of the Seattle SeaTruthers. These fuckers are D-O-N-E, and I am fine typing this with 4 minutes left in the first half and going the hell to bed.

On behalf of everyone, but especially the good people of France…PLEASE stop being such a fucking dumpster of burning monkeyshit, universe.