NFL News:
- Fun times in Big-D as Dak is refusing to participate in the “virtual offseason” without a new contract.
- Since he has not yet signed off on his franchise tag, unless the Cowboys cut him a cheque – or “check” if you’re former Canadian & current
ZodiacTexas Senator Ted Cruz – he doesn’t have to do a damned thing. - Which comes on the heels of Dak apparently breaking social distancing rules at a private function he held over the holiday weekend.
- A thirty-person birthday party for a friend, complete with a sit-down dinner at a single large table.
- Since he has not yet signed off on his franchise tag, unless the Cowboys cut him a cheque – or “check” if you’re former Canadian & current
- Speaking of COVID-19, it sure was nice of the 49ers to lose the game & avoid further hastening the pandemic.
- “Scientitians” at the UCSF department of medicine claim that not having a victory parade in San Francisco prevented quicker spread of the disease because the outbreak was just beginning on the West Coast at the time.
- A crowd of two million people might have exacerbated the limits of medical care & carried the disease all across the state.
- Because the disease had not yet surfaced in Missouri – and Kansas, if you’re a MAGA shitstick – there was less risk (of exposure) to the public at that time.
- “Scientitians” at the UCSF department of medicine claim that not having a victory parade in San Francisco prevented quicker spread of the disease because the outbreak was just beginning on the West Coast at the time.
- The Patriots sideline video incident from December 2019 is still “under review” at the league office, because nothing else is apparently going on.
- The rush is on to determine fault for the incident, as if the Patriots are to be punished with a loss of draft picks, it has to happen before the Draft in nine days.
- FYI, the Patriots have 12 picks in the 2020 Draft: one 1st round pick, four 3rd round picks, one 4th round pick, three 6th round picks, and three 7th round picks.
- The rush is on to determine fault for the incident, as if the Patriots are to be punished with a loss of draft picks, it has to happen before the Draft in nine days.
Finally, the slavemasters at the NCAA have until the end of May to decide on a Fall 2020 college season.
- If they are going to run a college football season, they need the athletes in school & on campus.
- Most schools have to make that call in May.
- If they don’t run Fall courses, then Winter/Spring semester is the earliest a college season could run.
- February – May, using previous years as a count for the months needed.
- That then impacts both the 2021 Draft and the 2021 college season.
- Plus it might allow the NFL to flex more games to Saturday.
- Giving us four days/week of NFL action in the Fall.
- Plus it might allow the NFL to flex more games to Saturday.
On the topic of football, today’s good internet dog is this unnamed Doberman who provides tight 1-on-1 coverage of a human wearing Jets colours.
This dog has to go viral the best DB in the nation 😭💪🏾 pic.twitter.com/GvfrD9ssU5
— Semaj “ Jet “ James (@semajjames0) April 11, 2020
Granted, it’s Jets colours, so the pass was liable to have been incomplete anyway. But still, he stayed with him step-for-step despite being slow off the line. He probably has fewer kids than Antonio Cromartie too.
Tonight’s … entertainment?:
- The Conners – 8:00 PM | ABC / CTV
- Dan is ready to share his feelings with Louise, but it might already be too late. Darlene realizes that she wants a baby.
- Ken Burns Presents The Gene: An Intimate History – 8:00 PM | PBS
- Geneticists struggle with the moral implications of new technologies.
- Likely, it’s akin to the moral dilemma facing scientists when confronted with Nazi eugenics science & having to decide whether to use it in their own research.
- If you want to go down a dark academic hole, feel free to click the links.
- Likely, it’s akin to the moral dilemma facing scientists when confronted with Nazi eugenics science & having to decide whether to use it in their own research.
- Geneticists struggle with the moral implications of new technologies.
- Chopped – 9:00 PM | FOOD
- Three winners try to take down Chopped judge Scott Conant.
- Big Daddy Drew – nowhere to be found.
- Big Daddy Drew – nowhere to be found.
- Three winners try to take down Chopped judge Scott Conant.
- Ruthless Aggression – 8:00-11:00 PM | FS1
- It’s newly designated essential service WWE’s revisionist history of what happened after the Attitude Era waned.
- 8:00PM – ENTER JOHN CENA
- 9:00PM – EVOLUTION
- 10:00PM – THE NEXT BIG THING
- It’s newly designated essential service WWE’s revisionist history of what happened after the Attitude Era waned.
- Ink Master – 10:00 PM | Paramount
- A 13-hour tattoo marathon kicks off the finale.
- Five contestants remain.
- Definition of Insanity – 10:00 PM | PBS
- A one-hour PBS documentary will show how Miami-Dade’s novel court diversion program has steered many mentally ill inmates on a path from jail to recovery.
- Narrated by actor and director Rob Reiner.
- Nearly 10 percent of Miami-Dade County’s adult population suffers from serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder — the highest such percentage of any urban area in the nation. (source)
- A one-hour PBS documentary will show how Miami-Dade’s novel court diversion program has steered many mentally ill inmates on a path from jail to recovery.
An interesting & wide variety tonight. It doesn’t replace sports, but it might divert you for a few hours.
I just noticed the jail documentary above. Isn’t Miami-Dade where the guards cooked a mentally ill prisoner alive in the showers and got away with it like five years ago?
Stolen from Raw Story:
“Professor you were warned to stay away from in college.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EVgxyLnXgAcuRz1?format=jpg&name=900×900
So, since we’re all bored for sports, and King Hippo has already introduced the topic of computer simulated sports: I was thinking of running a tournament of greatest baseball teams ever using my copy of Out of the Park Baseball 19. (I also run an online league that needs owners, so let me know if you’re interested.)
Feel free to nominate teams that should be included, and any thoughts re format. I thought I’d just run a 64-team bracket, with 7-game series. Maybe disable injuries, though I always think teams should be tested on depth, so maybe not. Haven’t decided whether to group the regionals by era, or just do overall seedings, though I do think I should split up different years of different franchises, i.e. put the ’94 and ’81 Expos on opposite sides of the bracket.
If anybody else is bored enough to care, offer your suggestions below. When I get it set up , I may post links to the results.
I suggest including the 1981 Dodgers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHwVBirqD2s
I finally shaved today for the first time in about two weeks. So I look at least like less of hobo.
Don’t kill me Scotchy.
Feels good to have a freshly smooth taint.
Oh, you meant…….
That happens tomorrow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X23v5_K7cXk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwBEqupVOdc
Many years ago, I worked as an assistant pro at my local tennis club. It was a small city, so not quite as snooty as that sounds — our “clubhouse” looked like a fucking log cabin.
Anyway, one night I was working the closing shift and had Elton John’s Greatest Hits playing on my ghetto blaster (look it up, kids). One of the better woman players in town (who had a body a pro would envy) came out of the women’s locker room and started singing along. I joined in, and we did a little duet.
I’d love to say that there’s more sexiness to the story, but since this isn’t the Penthouse Forum, I’ll just admit that she left, and we never spoke of it again. It was just one of those charming weird little moments in life. But it might explain why I’ve always loved karaoke, and why you were all fools to refuse my attempts to turn DFO Pub Crawl into DFO Karaoke Night.
Years ago, my sister’s boyfriend was the tennis pro at Arnie Palmer’s Latrobe Country Club. They had clay courts, so we used to go over there at night to water them. We used to smoke a shit ton of weed and run around like lunatics on Arnie’s golf course. It was tons of fun! I’ve been depressed as hell today, and I fell and tore up my ankle on Big Bear blvd this afternoon, so I needed a happy memory to cheer me up!
We had standard-issue hard courts. But one year an Austrian couple moved to town (he was hired by the local university), and he never hesitated to let us all know that his prior club had clay courts, and he “just wasn’t used to the corrrrrts” here. Like, fuck off, Tomas Muster, nobody cares.
(Actually liked Muster, but there’s only so many Austrian tennis players to reference.)
They require a ridiculous amount of maintenance, and ruin your clothes. Not worth it!
I cannot confirm impregnating any Scottish women during my tenure.
Wait, no one said anything to me about karaoke!!
I’m in
It sounds like we’ve got a night planned: travel stories and karaoke. When our benevolent orange overlord lifts these restrictions and “opens up the economy” again, we’re ready to roll!
Seriously, though, I am a big fan of going to Koreatown for Korean BBQ and then a private room in one of the many karaoke lounges. Fairly cheap, and you just hang out with friends who are cool with you butchering songs, instead of a bunch of American Idol wannabes who silently judge you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkxJuSrx4_k
Did you see the “crack” reopen the country team Dump put together(and by crack, I mean on crack)-Ivanka,Jared, Wilbur fucking Ross and all the other unindicted co-conspirators? I feel much better now!
As someone said earlier: We are so fucked.
I’d be surprised if they have enough IQ points between them for one average size golden retriever.
Not even enough for a Chow dog. Them are some dumb beasties. (Source: have owned chows).
I had a law school professor who explained that the standard of “good faith” could be met as long as your heart was pure, even if you dumb as a stump, “like a golden retriever.”
Crack as in “how was he not on crack”?
By putting him on the team, Donald guarantees no complaint from Jared when Donald fucks Jared’s wife.
Bill Hader doing the meekiest possible reading of Baldwin’s monologue from Glengarry Glenross was so cringeworthy my butthole clenched.
Evening
Found a funny:
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Henry Winkler is such a ham on Barry
On the plus side, those $600 federal supplementary unemployment insurance checks began being deposited overnight last night for last week and this week to eligible claimants on top of their shitty state payments.
I am curious to see if inflation comes back in like 2 to 3 years after all is said and done…
It will never come back. For the last forty years The Fed has existed only to prevent inflation. That’s why it’s been doing so much QE for the last month.
Every generation of generals fights the last war. Economists who “came of age” in the 70s were terrified of inflation, and did real harm to people because they were trying to avoid a recurrence. I’m sure eventually we’ll get over our fear of inflation enough that it will come back — but really, of all the economic evils to court, that’s the one to pick. It’s not THAT bad, and we know how to fix it.
THE NEXT TEN TO TWELVE YEARS LIKE THE LAST TIME.
At least we should have 8 years of Dems fixing this shit, followed by another Republican regime that fucks everything up again. Kinda like the way it’s been for the last 40 years or 400.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufqlbaurJPw
I will be sorely tempted to punch the fuck out of the first GOP douchebag in 2021 who expresses “concern” about the deficit that the “Biden Administration” is racking up. But then I’ll still be drunk from my Inauguration Day party and will let it slide.
I’ll probably be dead from getting exposed to some local Branch Covidians at the HEB by then.
Light a match. They go up like roman candles!
Wonder how the Treasury Dept. will pay postage for 100 million giant novelty checks.
To be fair, these might be the first checks signed by Trump that don’t bounce.
Also a good reminder to watch the USFL 30 for 30 documentary if you haven’t.
As the signer at the bottom where the Secretary of the Treasury’s name ordinarily goes, or in place of the intended recipient’s name? Neither would surprise me.
Memo line, where I usually write Happy Birthday to whichever niece/ nephew is having their Special Day. Who’s a big boy? Donnie is a big boy!
We are so fucked.
That is one emotionally needy motherfucker. I think your sign off should become a tagline.
We are so fucked.
It’s kind of cruel of nature to unleash a virus that shuts down all the ski resorts in California, then send weather systems that dump snow for the next three weeks.
It’s a cooler way to die than drowning in your own phlegm
Even if you die trespassing up to the mountain, I mean
Sorry, but that’s one of the least cruel things that have happened in this world over the last few months.
You’re not wrong, but let’s not pandemic-shame RTD. We’re a dick joke website — engaging in frivolity in the face of grotesque unfairness is what we do.
The new season of Westworld is pretty fun. Singapore looks cool if not for the insanely totalitarian police state.
Just don’t spray any graffiti or smuggle drugs
The butt drugs are supposed to be there, officer. They’re for personal use.
They will whack your peepee with a bamboo cane, mister!
Oh, no. Anything but that.
About ten years ago, I bought an around-the-world plane ticket. I wasn’t particularly interested in going to Singapore, but it’s a key travel hub so I couldn’t avoid a stopover there if I wanted to. So I scheduled a three-day layover, and was very pleasantly surprised (despite recovering from some non-COVID flu bug).
I think three days was more or less sufficient, in large part because it’s not a good drinking town, Singapore Slings notwithstanding. (And yeah, go to the Raffles Hotel and order one — it’s one of those tourist things that is cliched but worth doing.) Probably a good thing, as I don’t want to know what they do to people who puke in public. But it was friendly, clean, nice museums, a great food culture, and a beautiful botanical garden. Some WWII sites too if you’re so inclined.
I guess Singapore Slings at Raffles is the Eastern Hemisphere equivalent of Cuba Libres at Harry’s in Venice. Yes, I did, and it was fucking 14 Euros each for me and my GF at the time, 2003. Was the Sling as outrageously overpriced?
EVERY drink in Singapore is overpriced. That’s the problem. I assume high taxes or whatever. You couldn’t get a beer for under US$ 9, even in casual places, and this was over ten years ago.
I don’t recall the Slings being particularly bad considering it’s a large and strong mixed drink. And hey, free peanuts!
My ship was supposed to stop in Singapore for liberty, but we were tattle-tailing the Soviet carrier Minsk and had to stay with him (Russian ships are considered male, for some reason) out of the Indian Ocean through the Straits of Malacca to Cam Ranh Bay, off the coast of which we steamed for three days while waiting to be relieved by some destroyer. I was on a fucking supply ship, why did I have to miss a liberty just to play peek-a-boo? Never did get another chance to go to Singapore, but did eventually make it to Kuala Lumpur, same peninsula but less totalitarian.
See now, THIS GUY has stories to tell.
The phrase we ex-squids use at our virtual Navy Corner happy hour on Friday afternoons, and we used to use when telling sea stories while I was on active duty, is “This is a no-shitter.” I.e., this actually happened, no matter how unbelievable it seems. It’s amazing when I think about it how many really good no-shitters I have in my memory, despite being on active duty for only 4 years.
I loved my time in Singapore. I wish I had spent more there and less in Bangkok.
Some day, when this is over and we can have a drink together, I’d love to hear about your trip.
It’s not super-sexy — I didn’t backpack around and rediscover myself or anything — but it was definitely a lot of fun and the right call for me at that point in my life. Will happily bore anyone with stories when it becomes possible.
The episode of Bourdain, whichever show, made the food culture look pretty dope.
Because of him, I did nothing but food stalls when I was there. It was awesome!
https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/france-fighter-jet-ejection-scli-intl/index.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4LFYs3VpxY
I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Did he surrender on the way down?
I’m pretty sure that’s not a good thing for someone you’re strapping into a fighter cockpit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siwpn14IE7E
Oh, so it’s a coffee ale. Nice. I like it.
https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/192/444929/
One event not listed is The Greatest Hits From Kyle Larson’s Twitch Stream.
Just being a fat fuck is probably more important than anything I do or anyone I come in contact with in terms of getting and dying from covid. I won’t know for sure that I wasn’t given it by the positive person in my office until the middle of next week, so I guess I’ve got all that going for me.
Get fluids. Get chicken soup. Get flu medicine. Get an inhaler. Just in case you got it. If not, donate the stuff so it can go to someone who needs it.
You got this! You’re not getting out of hell that easy!
Kudos on not asking for his porn collection too soon.
I’m assuming I’m included in his Last Will and Testament:
“To Redshirt, your quick wit and funny comments were a small spark of light in a dark world. To you, I bequeath one of my most beloved possessions: Deutsche Cheerleaderin IV: Sauerkraut Überall.”
Is it…the usual kind of German film? Because the sauerkraut would kick it up a notch.
FlavoUr cuntry!
U is the flavor
That series was just going through the motions after III.
Can one start with part IV or would they be lost if they skip the first three? Asking for a friend
You don’t want that.
I’d donate it to the local church.
Anyone here a fan of the BBC 90s comedy Coupling? (There was a shitty U.S. version that lasted about three episodes.) I was trying to find the scene where Steve and Jeff explain how they have sworn oaths to each other that, in the event of the other’s death, they will go into his apartment and remove all porn magazines and VHS tapes (I did say it was the 90s) so that his family is spared the trauma of discovering their loved one’s interest in “Lesbian Spank Inferno.” (There was an entire separate episode about that title.)
Unfortunately, searching for “coupling porn buddies” does not yield the results I was hoping for….
Sounds like a job for Balls.
ON IT!
So far I’m fine. Just concerned. But I’m keeping an eye on my health and the one counter to that is that I’m already on an anti-inflammatory (the obesity increases natural inflammation). Thank you, though.
I forget if you live alone or not. If you do, is there someone you check in with who will sound the alarm if they can’t reach you?
Yes
Cool. Living alone is very cool right now, but it is good to have a backup plan in case you’ve fallen and can’t get up. (I have several people who will freak the f out if I don’t respond, so I’m covered there.)
Literally and metaphorically
Wow. Cedar Fair just announced that due to the COVID-19, all their parks’ season passes for this year will also be honored for next year as well.
Damn it! Now I have a reason to survive this thing.
After serving as Acting Mom for one and half months and counting, I can say without any uncertainty that all of you owe your mothers a great big hug and your fathers and siblings a really hard punch in the nuts and/or stomach.
Breastfeeding is tough. I’ve heard.
Toughens the nipples
Just finishes playing Chopped: The home game. What to do if you have a bunch of brussels sprouts about to expire? Roast them in cheese and bacon.
Do you deliver?
Contactless delivery is an option
Yes, or bacon and then finish with some maple syrup or honey and glaze em.
Your fault for buying that horrid shit in the first place.
Do you win a sporty striped polo shirt?
I may just as white as Big Daddy Drew, but I dress better.
This may get me a visit from the Secret Service, but if Vice President Pence and the Cabinet goes on TV tomorrow to announce that President Trump has “declared victory” and retired to a farm upstate where he can run around and play all he wants, I will happily play along.
“Tell me about the rabbits, George.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbebjUYItKw
Michael Che Stand Up set
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncnWB4EAlgQ
I feel like shit. But I got some kind of nitro-infused cream ale from New Belgium at the store during an errant trip outside.
Mentally, just to be clear. I feel fine physically.
I miss sports. King Trump is an idiot.
Would this be sports?
https://twitter.com/dodaistewart/status/1249881789503623170
Sweet, sweet boredom.
While marble racing is still hot:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3MLsr9XBmw
Apparently you can bet or marble racing now. Also Harness Racing is really popular too!
Watched the full season. At first you think, “this is dumb.” Five minutes later you’re kinda picking a favorite marble and giving it some kind of personality. Ten minutes in you’re yelling “FUCKBALLS! Why is fucking Speedy in the pitlane again!?!? YOU BLEW IT!” And drinking.
/Go Speeders
Team Momo had a respectable end of the season so I’m happy about that. Hopefully it leads to (mo)momentum for the Marble League proper, because I’m pretty sure they have to run through qualifiers.
A 13-hour tattoo marathon kicks off the finale
“Which route will the finalists pursue? Will they attempt to ink the corpse of Ricardo Montalban with the words, “Da Plane, Da Plane!” or will they tag Herve Villechaize’s tombstone? Stay tuned!”
I hope they use this for the theme music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0vrq_kQ6g8
The NCAA might try a version of MLB’s proposal. Just get all of the Division I football players and put them in one place. I believe some of those old farming establishments in the South have lots of room. The players could spend all day on the field, working out, and their nights in shacks right there on the planta… uh, campus.
When the 2021 draft draws near, NFL scouts could come by and check out the merchand… uh, scholar-athletes. You know, measure the height and weight and biceps and thighs. Check the teeth. Ask if their mother is a whore. The usual.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61TMtH3Qw4s
I hope you’ll forgive my impertinence in addressing you by your first name, Mr. Emmert.
I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
—Roger Goodell and the NFL Owners Society
You know, if you think about it, Student Athletes isn’t that many clicks away Slavery.