Meanwhile at the Factory of Sadness: UPDATES!

After the first full day of free agency, and what a whirlwind it was, fans of the Cleveland Browns sat back today to examine the stockpile of riches that the team brought forth during the early stages of free agency.

Following an offseason that saw the Browns front office put together a “dream team” of intelligent executives (from Harvard!) including Paul DePodesta a former baseball sabermetric genius and part of the front offices of the A’s, Indians, Dodgers and Mets, the front office wasted no time yesterday and, according to Pat MacManamon of ESPN “Cleveland Browns: On the first day of free agency, the Browns lost four starters, including two offensive linemen who did not miss a snap in 2015. They did not sign anyone. And they did not release quarterback Johnny Manziel, meaning he’s still on the roster. So … there’s that.”

Pro Bowl Center Alex Mack left town, Travis Benjamin left town, Mitchell Schwartz left town and Tashaun Gipson sprinted right the fuck out of Dodge leaving a vapor trail in his wake. In their place the Browns signed…

Fear not you poor downtrodden and frequently laughed at fans of the shitshow known as the Cleveland Browns, for as MacManamon said you still have:

Trust me we ARE laughing at you. Not with you.

Updates: 3-11-16

Johnny Manziel was given his unconditional release on 3-11-16. Early media reports suggested that the Cleveland Browns received nothing in return for Manziel’s release but after fumigating and further cleaning of his former locker, Browns management did find a vulcanized rubber dildo. When asked for comment, executive VP of football operations Sashi Brown said “I think we came away from this deal as a better team and considering the circumstances we feel justly compensated for our end of the deal.”