Roger Goodell Has A Quiet Day At The Office

345 Park Avenue, New York

[Roger Goodell is sitting alone in his office in a massive black leather desk chair, humming the NFL Red Zone theme music as he fills out paperwork. For once, the curtains are open and the sun shines brightly into the usually gloomy, marble-columned office. The intercom buzzes.]

Molly: Commissioner, Brent from Procurement is here to see you.

Goodell: Send him in.

[The doors creek open and a young man holding a clipboard enters. He stands opposite from Goodell at the end of the desk, and begins to speak with a slight tremble in his voice.]

Brent: Go-good morning, Commissioner.

Goodell: And what a good morning it is! Free Agency continues to put The Shield at the forefront of the news! The Draft is not far away, and plans to our domination continue unfettered! Now, what can I do for you today, Brett, was it?

Brent: Uh, yes, Commissioner. I have the latest report for you on obtaining the “tape” from Peyton Manning’s post Super Bowl party with Papa John. The voyeur is attending the “Re-education Camp” in Wichita, but his wife seems to have secured the tape in a vault of some ki–

[Goodell’s computer lights up.]

Goodell: Excuse me a moment, Brett, I have urgent business to attend to.

Brent: Yes, of course, Commissioner.

[Brent’s eyes wander around the office as Goodell reads his notification. As he continues, his smile disappears and he begins to slowly look more and more outraged. Upon completion, he turns the monitor around and begins to breathe heavily while speaking.]

Goodell: Would you mind… telling me… about, THIS!?

Brent: [Surprised] Uhh, it seems like the NFLPA is trying to strip you of your ability to discipline players for off-field behavior. Wait, that can’t be…

Goodell: [Now standing, he slams his fist down onto the desk] SILENCE! THERE WILL BE NO NEGOTIATIONS WITH THESE TRAITORS! THE ONLY STRIPPING I HAVE APPROVED OF TAKES PLACE AT SAPPHIRE’S (the official gentleman’s club of the NFL) IN MIDTOWN! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS SOONER?!

Brent: [Now visibly shaking] Th-that’s not my department! I did as you asked about the tape though! It’s all in my re-report!

[Brent tries to hand Goodell the clipboard, but he slaps it out of his hand.]

Goodell: BEGONE!

[Goodell presses a button on his desk and the carpet below Brent’s feet violently jerks upward, sending him airborne. The office doors fly open and then slam shut as Brent continues traveling down the long hallway.]

Goodell: So what if MY punishments seem “arbitrary?” They worked for ME!

[A dull thud is heard from behind the doors as Goodell begins to pace behind his desk.]

Goodell: If that rat DeMaurice didn’t like it, he shouldn’t have agreed to the CBA in the first place! He’s so damned power hungry! Blinded by his own desire for control! I should have included terms for punishing HIM in there as well!

[Goodell continues grumbling for a moment, then stops, sighs and presses the button on his intercom.]

Goodell: Molly, I have too much pent up energy to work today.

Molly: Shall I send in the clones then, Commissioner?

Goodell: Yes… That will do nicely

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Warning: Nightmare fuel ahead

[showhide type=”horror” more_text=”Show The Horror (%s More Horror)” less_text=”Show Less Horror (%s Less Horror)”]PK Clone #1: Oh, Commissioner, what do you have in store for us today?

Goodell: Punishment is on my mind…

PK Clone #2: Oh boy!

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