[EDITED: JOHN MADDEN IS DEAD AND A HAMSTER BIT A KID AT A MOVIE THEATER. NEWS ALWAYS BREAKS LATE]

Jeebus on a whole wheat cracker, what day is it?  Shouldn’t there be two or three postponed NFL games?

Whole Wheat Cracker Tangent: remember Stoned Wheat Thins? Man, those were the shit back in the 90s. Like if you saw those at a party, it was Fancy. Turns out they are Canadian. Nothing gold can stay…

Annnnnyway, we are in the throes of the Lost Week between Christmas and New Years, when the High Speed Hyper Type A workers are forced to burn their carefully horded time off and the Why Am I Here workers are left to field the “WE NEED THIS OPERATIONALIZED BY JAN 1!” fuckarounds. By the way, shitbird: “operationalize” is not a word. I’m 40 days into corporate work, and I’m already prepared to shiv anyone who uses the word “ask” as a noun or suggests “putting a pin in it.” I got your pin right here….

This year’s Lost Week is actually less lost than most, thanks to the tentpole holidays falling on Saturday and Friday Night. In theory it could just be two short weeks, a pleasant Demonstration Sport for the legitimately brilliant idea of a normalized four-day-work-week. Unfortunately, everyone I know is running with below-zero mental and emotional reserves. As such, we still are running around like we have Post-Concussion Syndrome: confused, irritable, unable to concentrate and prone to mood swings. C’est la vie.

Jesus, I just spent 202 words talking about nothing. Kind of emphasizes the point, I guess. Short version: More Tuesday games, Less Canadian faux-fancy crackers.

NFL NEWS:

*Covid continues to ravage rosters more effectively than the turf at FedEx Field. To absolutely no one’s surprise, Carson Wentz is unvaccinated and tested positive. Accordingly, he is out for at least 10 days at a crucial time for the playoff-aspirant Clots (edit: unless the league and NFLPA decide to change the isolation period). Not that Wentz has been all that big a factor in Indy’s success- they have been figuratively carried by their defense and literally carried by running back Jonathan Taylor. But with Sam Ehlinger under center, the Raiders (in a literal must-win game) could put nine men in the box (giggity) and still contain the passing game.

As of the time of this writing (which is totally not while I am on the clock, honest) the NFL and NFLPA are negotiating whether to cut the minimum isolation requirement to 5 days. This is ostensibly based on the CDC’s new guidance, halving the recommended iso time for asymptomatic positive tests. Now, I’m not an epidemiologist, nor a public health expert, nor even a rocket scientist who is also a brain surgeon. I legitimately have no basis to judge- nor do I expect policymakers have any basis to judge at this stage- how much of Omicron’s spread is attributable to asymptomatic versus symptomatic carriers. But I do know that NFL players are in extremely close contact with each other on every play, breathing hard and aerosolizing droplets just as fast as they can. Football should be the last area to relax its restrictions.

But it’s money. It’s money for the league and money for the players. It very well may be the difference between a playoff game being played, pushed back or canceled. Normally I’d say play on- assumption of risk, we already accept the more serious risks of CTE, etc.  But for some deeply stupid reason, a large portion of America looks to athletes for their healthcare advice. Set a fucking example, NFL and NFLPA. Do something more than the absolute minimum required to keep sponsors happy. And won’t somebody PLEASE break Cole Beasley’s hands and jaw? That’s a public health measure right there.

*jacksonville has decided to get a jump on choosing the next career to crush. Thanks to a change in league rules coincidently pushed through immediately before Urban Meyer was fired, the jaguars have requested early interviews Tampa offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich, Bucs defensive coordinator Todd Bowles, Cowboys offensive coordinator Kellen Moore, Cowboys defensive coordinator Dan Quinn, Green Bay Packers offensive coordinator Nathaniel Hackett, and Colts defensive coordinator Matt Eberflus. They have also set up interviews with two interesting unattached prospects: Iggles castoff Doug Pederson and DFO Hero Jim Caldwell.

Obviously, Caldwell SHOULD be the favorite here- he’s a seasoned, steady hand for a young team in chaos. For fuck’s sake, he made THE LIONS a contender.

But this is the New NFL. And although I cannot find any photographic evidence of him shaking hands with Sean McVay, I’m fairly sure this goofy-looking fucker is going to be your next jaguars head coach:

CRIMEBEAT!:

Not the NFL-and-Stripper-Monkey grounds that CrimeBeat! normally prowls. However, I can’t unsee this, so neither will you.

Amanda Henry was detained and released after being overserved on a Spirit Airlines flight Thanksgiving weekend between Fort Lauderdale and Nashville. She was abusive when they cut her off. She was vaping. She groped a male passenger and made “lewd sexual advances.”

Side Note: aren’t all sexual advances by definition “lewd”? I mean, yes, you could go full Jane Austen and inquire as to whether your chosen partner might do you the honor of engaging in a spirited bout of copulatory diversion. But even that’s got a bit of the hound-dog to it. Maybe I’m just stuffy.

Corollary Side Note: I just remembered Month 3 of trying to get pregnant in earnest. There was absolutely nothing lewd about my wife’s advance. I withdraw my question.

Aaaaanyway, Ms. Henry was asked to move from her seat in the exit row(!) and became belligerent. She then confirmed that removing her from proximity to the emergency exit was smart, screaming “I’m getting off this plane!” and heading for the main cabin door.

In midair, apparently.

She proceeded to mix it up with the flight attendants who tried to keep her from…uh…trying to kill everyone on board.  I mean, no, she would not have been able to open the door. But she likely would not have quietly returned to her seat merely because physics and the basic logic of airplane design had thwarted her. Kicking and hairpulling ensued. Amazingly, a firefighter on the plane was able to calm her down and keep her calm through landing.

Final Side Note, I Promise: the story refers to him as an off-duty firefighter. Isn’t that implied? Are there on-duty firefighters on flights? I suppose an on-duty firefighter could go AWOL from his firestation and get on a flight, but that seems unlikely enough that clarification of duty status isn’t really necessary.

She wasn’t charged with a federal crime until now. Yes, she’s white. This is her:

She is 43. FORTY THREE! I mean yes, her behavior on the flight suggests a certain hard lifestyle and disregard for her own well-being, including skincare. But for fuck’s sake, that woman is at least 60. She is literally the embodiment of a Simpsons joke

Creeps me out just looking at her…

OBSCURE MOVIE OF THE WEEK:  ¡Three Amigos!

Steve Martin! Martin Short! Chevy Chase, in apparently the only movie he ever enjoyed filming! Kind of an All-Star Game of 80s comedy, with John Landis directing, and Martin, Lorne Michaels and Randy Newman writing. It’s basically The Magnificent Seven, only there’s three of them. And they are has-been silent movie stars instead of mercenaries, gamblers, ne’erdowells and drifters. It’s silly, but pokes fun at itself and Hollywood. It also taught the young Reverend the meaning of “plethora”

GO SEE IT!