Footy From A to Zed – and JV is Saved By Zero

I’ve told y’all before, but I’ve never been more certain – Very Disappointing Everton will be Very Championship Everton in 2023-24.  Neal Goddamned Maupay.  Jesus wept, and then took Mr. RazoUr Blade down the tracks.  No, we don’t go for attention around these parts.

Anyway, this is a real banger of a tune:

In spite of my despair, they will still play matches, starting with Saints taking on Men Untied (7:30, USA).  This is some crucial shit for the Red Devils – they need to get some momentum going, and not have last Monday night serve as a one-off.  Hassenhutl is trying to see if he can win the sack race with Poor Doomed Frank Lampard and Brendan Rodgers (fuck that motherfucker).  Could I see a Draw?  Yes, Other Hippo, we sure could!

Nothing is more divine than inconclusive results.

Trashbirds host what will surely be an overconfident Ted Lasso’s Leeds (10:00), and NBC/USA is going all-in with cringey “Team America” treatment.  This is NOT why we watch, though I guess it’s a change of pace from fluffing Christian Pulisic all season long.  Brighton will kick their teeth in, and you love to see it.

City of Men v. Palace is the best of the Peacock streaming options, while I am stuck hoping for a nil-nil Draw away to Praise Beesus.  No, I will not be making any #ShameBets this season.  Everton fulfills each and every shame-based need I have.  Leicester is also away to Angry Chelski – that’ll leave a (skid)mark.

Clubhouse Derby Spotlight Dance!  The two overachievers of the young season, Mighty Whitey are off to inspect the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (12:30, NBC).  I do very much expect Litre’s sort to give these a difficult game.  But at the end of the day, Arsenal will stay in first on 12 points.  Fun shit!

Villa/Hammers (9:00) and Robins Hood/Spurs (11:30) are your Sunday USA action.  I have nothing of interest to say.

To the JV-mobile!

Northwestern (+13.5) v. Nebraska (12:30, Fox, from the drankin’ capital of the world)

I’m sure Ireland is just lousy with Cornfucker supporters.  Crowd watching/counting should be fun, even if the footy isn’t that great.  Maybe Scott Frost gets left off the plane back to Murrika if they lose?  Thus, the Mildcats get the banner treatment.  And as a public service announcement?  That line is INSANE.  This is a pure tossup game.

Wyoming (+11.5) at Illinois (4:00, BTN)

Another ridiculous line.  The JV Brokebacks cover AND win outright.  Too bad I am on GAMBLOR timeout.

UConn (+25.5) at Team Secular Big Love State (4:00, FS1)

No “New Mora Bounce” for the Fightin’ Horatios, I take it?  Anyway, not much else going on, might as well enjoy the car crash.  I appreciate Team Secular Big Love State for staking me almost an entire 9 months in GAMBLOR.  Y’all is good people, as far as we are concerned (says Other Hippo).

Everything else is dreck, but if Scotchy doesn’t do a night thread, maybe I can has thoughts on Vandy/Hawaii.  FEEL THE EXCITE!!