Sexy Friday – 20221014

TGIF! So long, work week and good riddance to another Thursday night of a pupper abortion game. DO SOMETHING CONGRESS! But we’re not here to reminisce, we’re here to survive for the weekend.

Survival – Personal Edition

Now some of you may not have enough money to pay for some help around the house. Which absolutely means you have to do your own chores. For shame! But, I’m here to cheer you up and give some great tips on how to make those “chores” a fun “hobby”! That’s right, we’re changing those chores to hores. Wait, that doesn’t work. Forget that, just read on for fun times!

• You’re now a spy. You have one hour to complete your mission. Your mission: laundry. The stakes: Wichita. That’s right. Complete the laundry in an hour or the entire city of Wichita is flattened. Gone. Nary a lone nutmeg will survive the neutral extinction event. Unless you’ve finished folding, hanging, and putting away those laundered clothes. We’re all counting on you.
• My favoUrite. Make the chore a drinking game. Doing dishes manually? One shot per dish type. (Utensils, plates, cups, pots, pans, other) Doing dishes in a dishwasher? One shot after pre-rinsing. If no pre-rinsing required, one shot to get started. Then one shot per loaded tray with a final shot when turned on or scheduled. Cleaning the bathroom? One shot for the sink, one for the toilet, one for the shower, one for the floor. Vacuuming? One shot every 5 minutes until you can’t hear the roar anymore.
• This one is fun if you live alone, even better if you want to be passive aggressive to your housemates. I call it the “Joe Buck”. Self narrate yourself doing the chore. Make sure to use the third person. For example, “Mr. Ayo, fresh off a full day of work and a liquid lunch, is squaring up to dust the living room. Mr. Ayo has his trusty Swiffer that has aided him for all these years firmly grasped in hand, posed to strike. The dust accumulation is a proper opponent today, having built up its defenses for oh so many months. This has all the trappings of a great battle.” Anyway, I’m not going to finish that story, just know I won, and so can you.
• Are you an insomniac? Do your chores in the middle of the night pretending to be a ninja. That’s right, low lights, no noise, silently eviscerating those chores like they’re Oda Nobunaga. By sunup, leave everyone astonished at the meticulous cleanliness of your palace while you drift, at long last, off to sleep.
• Lastly, if you have kids. Just make them do it. Bribe the shit out of them if you have to. Money? Sure! McD’s? Sure! Ice Cream? Sure! Toy store visit? Of course! Just get it done. But seriously, kids are the last hold out of free slavery, make the most of it.

Alright, now you’ve got some ideas how to make use of your downtime this weekend when the JV and lesser footy turn to disappointment. Just one last thing to do before that!

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!