It’s that pre-Christmas rush, or as musicians know it, time to play the same things we play every goddamn year.
Okay, that’s a slight mistake. I haven’t had anyone ask me to play The Nutcracker this year. Part of that might actually be a soft boycott on Tchaikovsky, due to goings-on in Ukraine. There has been some back and forth on that in the music community, and I would say I’m pretty on the fence about it. I would doubt that Tchaikovsky, of all people, would be for the current Russian regime. (Since he was gay.) I’m doing some transcriptions that I am hilariously behind on, and the client asked me to change one of the names from “Russian Dance” to “Slavic Dance” for that reason.
But, back on topic, has it been Messiah time? Yes, yes it has. And actually, I’ll be playing it a second time for New Year’s.
This is, of course, opposed to my favorite Messiah-based musical rendition. Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if Michael Bolton sang Handel? Well listen to this!
It is… legendary. For better or for worse. I believe this is from the 1990 Young Messiah tour, which was an attempt to make Handel more suitable for modern audiences. Apparently the original 1982 version had Chaka Khan singing the above number. I cannot find it on the Youtubes.
Moving onto more important matters:
Marble League Rolldown
I’ll do a full breakdown, Tree-style, except not on video, next week, of all 32 teams. By then we’ll know the hosts too. Through 15 events, here are the scenarios. Four teams are in qualification to win the Marble League, and the same four are the only ones in contention for a top-3 finish and automatic qualification to the 2023 Marble League. And as we’ve learned from the Midnight Wisps and the Hazers (I repeat, AND THE HAZERS), finishing 4th means nothing next year.
Pinkies-180 pts
The Pinkies (yeah, I know) can win the Marble League if:
-They win the Elimination Race, OR
-The Shining Swarm does not finish 1st or 2nd (if the Pinkies don’t win) in the elimination race, OR
-Team Galactic does not win the elimination race, the Shining Swarm finish 3rd or lower, and the Pinkies finish 5th or better, OR
-Other permutations of points, where they finish with more points than the Shining Swarm and Team Galactic (both teams would have tiebreakers over the Pinkies) and as many as the Savage Speeders (Pinkies own tiebreaker)
The Pinkies can auto-qualify for ML23 if:
-They finish 14th or better OR
-The Savage Speeders do not win the elimination race, OR
-Any permutation of points that leave them ahead of the Shining Swarm & Team Galactic OR tied with the Savage Speeders
Shining Swarm-175 pts (5 points back)
The Shining Swarm can win the Marble League if:
-They win the Elimination Race (would hold gold tiebreaker over Pinkies and bronze tiebreaker over Team Galactic)
-They finish 2nd in the Elimination Race AND the Pinkies or Team Galactic do not win
-They finish 3rd in the Elimination Race, the Pinkies finish 6th or lower, and Team Galactic does not finish higher than them.
-Other permutations of points that leave them ahead of Team Galactic AND tied with the Pinkies/Savage Speeders (Team Galactic would hold gold tiebreaker, but Shining Swarm holds over Pinkies and Savage Speeders)
The Shining Swarm can auto-qualify for ML23 if:
-They finish 9th or better OR
-The Savage Speeders do not finish 1st or 2nd, OR
-Any permutation of points that leave them tied with the Savage Speeders or Pinkies OR ahead of Team Galactic
Team Galactic-170 pts (10 points back)
Team Galactic can win the Marble League if:
-They win the Elimination Race AND the Pinkies do not finish 2nd, OR
-Any permutation of points that leave them tied and/or ahead of all the other teams (would hold tiebreaker)
Team Galactic can auto-qualify for ML23 if:
-They finish 4th or better, OR
-The Savage Speeders do not podium, OR
-Any permutation of points that leave them tied with any of the other teams (would hold tiebreaker)
Savage Speeders-157 pts (23 points back; 13 points out of podium)
The Savage Speeders can win the Marble League if:
-They win the Elimination Race AND ALL of the following occurs:
—The Pinkies finish 15th or 16th
—The Shining Swarm finish 10th or lower
—Team Galactic finishes 5th or lower
The Savage Speeders can auto-qualify for ML23 if:
-They win the Elimination Race and ANY of the championship conditions occur, OR
-They finish 2nd and either the Shining Swarm finishes 15th/16th or Team Galactic finishes 10th or lower, OR
-They finish 3rd and Team Galactic finishes 15th/16th.
Got it all? It’s more cut and dry than usual since these are the only four teams that are still mathematically in it. You can watch the final event HERE, and we’ll talk about it in next week’s column.
As for human sports,
Time for the news!
-Yankees officially name Aaron “Arson” Judge captain.
-Mets somehow sign INF Carlos Correa after San Francisco had an issue with his physical. Man, tough week to root for the San Francisco Baseball Giants.
-Florida prosecutors drop the arrest warrant, decline to prosecute Antonio Brown.
-Falcons D-coordinator Dean Pees briefly went to the hospital after an on-field collision on Sunday, due to worries about his being on blood thinners. He’s been cleared to return to the sideline.
-Matty Iced again: Colts bench QB Matt Ryan, turn to BDN Foles to start remaining three games of season.
–QB Arch Manning (Cooper’s son, Peyton and Eli’s nephew) signs to Texas.
-Lastly, a sad day in Yinzerland, as Steelers RB and Pittsburgh airport fixture Franco Harris has passed away at the age of 72. The team was planning to retire his number on Saturday at halftime, and I imagine they’ll still do so, though the mood will have changed from celebration to remembrance.
What’s for sportsin’? (All times still Eastern)
Iceball
Fightin’ Warburtons vs. Sunrise (NJD vs. FLA) (7:00, TNT)
Fightin’ McDavids vs. Team Pantera (EDM vs. DAL) (9:30, TNT)
Other locally listed games
JV Hoopsball
St. John’s vs. Villanova (in progress, FS1)
Michigan vs. P/NC (7:00, ESPN)
Son de Clem vs. Georgia Tech (7:30, ESPN2)
Ladies’ JV Hoopsball
Florida vs. #23 Oklahoma (9:30, ESPN2)
And lastly… BRING BACK HAZY!
Ten years ago tonight! A decade ago we were wondering when and if the Mayans return to murder us all.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTJdmmSTvw8
…IN YOUR PANTS. I still miss this show.
Are we taking bets on if my flight Friday ever leaves?
I’ll take the NO.
JV foobawl national signing day doesn’t mean too much now that 80% of these recruits won’t be at that school in two years or less.
I think the NFL draft is more meaningful and that’s saying something.
This bowl beating is done. Time for a Christmas classic:
SiriusXM is showing the abbreviation of Southern Alabama as “USA”, which is appropriate as Western Kentucky is one of the reasons why USA doesn’t succeed anymore.
This is very good.
On the Twitter, people keep complaining about some drunk Raiders fan that keeps getting in some Patriots fans face. I’ve been to many Raiders games, and this is just typical. I ain’t saying that lady was right in how she acted, but this is just normal at any Raiders game.
I’ll allow it.
Been posting this pic on Meg McCain’s and Krysten Sinema’s pro-Zelensky’s tweets, and yes I am petty and no I regret nothi9ng
That said, Zelensky is and has been nothing short of heroic.
If you are still posting things on twitter you are part of the problem.
Melon will be gone soon enough. Ain’t leaving yet.
In tonight’s Directional Bowl, Western Kentucky is currently treating South Alabama like an attractive but hated cousin.
“That’s Weastern Kentucky!” -Patrick S., Bikini Bottom
All this talk about the blizzard reminds me of one of my favourite Letterkenny episodes, Sleepover.
It’s so good.
That looks like one of those three-ways that nobody can ever speak of again smh
Which are still better than those 3-some you weren’t in. But your date was and the party’s at their house.
Makes driving her home after the party totes awkward, too
The best threeways usually being with a non-disclosure agreement.
Sigh. I made the mistake of shopping for a new swimsuit online (I got some jammers! Not the kind that Eli wears to bed, the other kind!) so now I’m constantly being served ads of mens’ crotches and chiseled abs. I truly love our ad-free policy.
Gumby’s phone is convinced he’s flamboyantly gay.
How in the hell did it take until 2022 to retire Franco Harris’ number? If it wasn’t for him being on the spot and not quitting on the play, suddenly the Pittsburgh Steelers status of Team of the ‘70s gets called into question.
He retired as the 3rd best rb rushing-wise, caught that impossible pass, won 4 Super Bowls and by all accounts has done incredible work in the community-something stinks to high heaven. Anyone here have a clue?
I think NC State technically only ever retired one number (David Thompson’s 44), everyone else’s is just “honoUred” in the rafters.
Steelers don’t retire a lot of numbers — Franco will be the 3rd after Joe Greene and Ernie Stautner
This is the correct answer. In fact, they didn’t officially retire Stautner or Greene’s numbers until 1964 and 2014 respectively.
Important announcement! Tonight is the Winter Solstice, which to me is the turning point of the year when it finally stops getting worse and while it will continue to suck for a while, each day going forward will suck a little bit less.
We should create some kind of marketing campaign centered around this time of year, when people are at their lowest, to indoctrinate them into our cult. Maybe say this is actually the BEST time of year because of some made up horse shit from a magic book…
it IS the best time of year because FITBAW!!!!
And soon playoff football, the “You go and have fun” season.
Is it tonight that we sacrifice the virgins to Shank’lor?
[looks around nervously]
“Ha ha, you guys are joking, right?” – Kellen Clemens
Having watched the final elimination race of the Marble League, I can describe myself as…disappointed. Not for what was, but for what might have been.
Also knowing your rooting interests and the fact that even Greg Woods is in on the jokes.
The fact that Balls of Chaos set a new record for least points is hilarious.
After getting a silver in the first event.
EXACTLY!!
I can’t complain given how many times they just squeaked by to stay alive. But to end things like *that*? Heartbreaking.
Temperature plummets all day tomorrow in North Cakalaky, down to ELEVEN tomorrow night (or, as they would call it in Canadia, Indian Summer). Already have a “barometric pressure drop” migraine today, just KILL ME NOW.
The temperature is going to drop from 40 to -3 tomorrow night in 8 hours. If my head caves in on itself, I’ll send Seamus your best wishes.
apparently, in my borthplace (Cheyenne, WY), today the temperature dropped 40 degrees in THIRTY MINUTES. That should be a defense for murder.
Casper got it too.
https://twitter.com/splillo/status/1605610618257432585
So that’s how he became a ghost
AND why you never see his penis!
Someone needs to work on his Google skills.
It’s warming up here. Sucks. I’d rather it were nipply out!
Snowkakke begins at 4am tomorrow morning and (apparently) won’t let up until Saturday mid-day. I’ve got Grey Goose, a Wayne Gretzky whiskey thingy, (a gift) a Glenlivet bottle, some Bailey’s (for the mornings) some pre-made Caesar drinks,(for the early afternoons) some red wine, lots of beer, a boneless prime rib, a tourtiere, a stuffed turkey, firewood, pills and a fully functioning generator. We might just see this thing through and come out on the other side alive and kicking.
Better download some porn in case the internet connection goes down
Remember back in the 80’s/early 90’s when you had to [shudders] use your imagination? People talk about “the good old days” I just shake my head slowly back and forth involuntarily.*
*my doctor says I have early-onset Parkinson’s. I’m getting a second opinion.
I had one of those “over the doorframe” mini-basketball hoops growing up, and had an entirely imaginary basketball league I would “play out” and chart. I’m lucky I wasn’t sold to the circus.
Here’s something yinz probably don’t know about the Immaculate Reception: the game was blacked out in Pittsburgh because it wasn’t a sellout. I think it was less than 100 seats unsold that kept it from being shown. We saw it the next day on channel 11. That year my dad bought a ginormous color tv for Christmas, because the Steelers made the playoffs. We had black and white before that, but there was a color portable in my parent’s room. Portable probably weighed a couple hundred pounds, the big color console had to be wrestled in by like 4 guys! And that week was also when that big earthquake happened in Nicaragua. Roberto Clemente died in a plane crash delivering aid to Managua.
Clemente is so misunderstood to this very day-he hated talking about himself and had a lot of trouble learning the English language. (imo, he had a learning disability, which is pure conjecture) White reporters categorized him as “distant” and “unapproachable” because he had those attributes and therefore didn’t give the press what they wanted. Of course they had to backtrack on everything that was in print because of the circumstances of his death.
He told reporters and everyone to call him by his name, none of that Bob shit. He’s still inspiring.