Cheers to the Centenarian Club!

Interior, a sitting room decorated like your grandmother’s living room in 1989 (except no plastic covers on the couch). Orange and blue crepe paper streamers and similar regalia are scattered across the room, and two men are hanging up additional decorations.

Guy 1: So…what’s the haps?

Guy 2: We’re celebrating the old lady’s birthday.

Guy 1: Today?  But wasn’t it weeks ago?

Guy 2: Yeah. Remember what happened with Betty White and People magazine? We wanted to avoid that.

Guy 1: Sure, but isn’t it worse if you planned this, and then she died after her 100th birthday but before the party?

Guy 2: …

Guy 1: /stares blankly

Guy 2: What makes you think anyone in this organization thinks ahead?

Guy 1: Good point.

Guy 2: Well…is she still alive?

Guy 1: Yeah, but is the party starting now or in a few hours? Maybe we get everyone together sooner rather than later just in case.

Guy 2: It’s your funeral. Or hers maybe? I don’t know, man, let’s light this candle.

Guy 1: Did you remember to invite the other special guests?

Guy 2: Yeah, man, they’re here waiting behind the drapes, but who knows if they’re going to make it, if you know what I mean.

Guy 1: Hey, I think she’s coming.

/DOOR CREAKS OPEN

Virginia McCaskey: IS MY COCAINE IN HERE?

Attendant/Wheelchair Pusher: No, Mrs. McCaskey.

VM: I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO A PARTY.

A/WP: We are.

VM: AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A COCAINE PARTY BECAUSE A COCAINE PARTY DON’T STOP UNTIL YOUR SEPTUM IS BLEEDING AND YOU’RE FUCKING A STABLEBOY NAMED TAD.

A/WP: I don’t think that’s quite the expression, ma’am.

VM: WELL AIN’T NO PARTY WITHOUT IT. WHAT’S GOING ON? ARE YOU KIDNAPPING ME AGAIN?

A/WP: No, ma’am, we’re here to celebrate your 100th birthday!  And the boys around the office invited a special crew.  We thought you’d want to feel young again, so we rounded up, I mean curated a group of your peers. There are more than 90 million 100 year olds in the US, so we had to be selective. But Iris Apfel is here.

VM: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT, ELI APPLE’S GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER’S OWNER?

A/WP: Hooboy. Ok, how about Norman Lear?

VM: OH HE’S A HUNK. THINK THERE’S ANY POWDER LEFT IN HIS BALLS? OR IN A LITTLE METAL CASE IN HIS POCKET?

A/WP: Moving on, Bob Barker is here.

VM: THAT BITCH MIGHT TRY AND SPAY ME

A/WP: Ok….want to feel young? James Clayton Flowers is here, he recently turned 107 and looks as young as when he was a Tuskegee Airman.

VM: FUCK THAT, I DON’T NEED SYPHILLIS AT THIS STAGE IN THE GAME.

A/WP: Jesus, lady. Well, Elisabeth Waldo is here, she’s 104, but maybe she can play something for you on her violin?

VM: WHAT ABOUT OTHER MANMEAT?

A/WP: Um, there’s a chair for Willard Scott.

VM: WILLARD SCOTT DIED OVER A YEAR AGO AND THE PUNK GOT CLOSER TO SNIFFING MY CROTCH THAN SNIFFING 100 YEARS OLD.

A/WP: Dear Lord. Mike Nussbaum?

VM: OOOH, THINK THAT WHIPPERSNAPPER BROUGHT ANY PIEROGI? WHAT’S THAT EMPTY CHAIR OVER THERE?

A/WP: Well, we invited the oldest living person.

VM: THAT 118 YEAR OLD NUN? AWESOME. WHERE IS SHE?

A/WP: She died last week.

VM: PROBABLY NOT ENOUGH COCAINE. DID ANY OF YOU BRING ME COCAINE? AM I NOT BEING CLEAR ON THE COCAINE PART?

A/WP: Why don’t we light the candles on the cake and sing happy birthday?  Norman, Mike, Iris, can you all put your dentures back in and sing?

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Jerry Jones: YEEEEHAW, TELL THE BIDDIES THEY CAN LEAVE THE DENTURES OUT! HEY, VAJAYJAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD COOT! I BROUGHT YOU THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT THIS SIDE OF TWO HOOKERS WORKING YOUR GEARSHAFT WHILE ANOTHER’S UP YOUR EXHAUST PIPE!  YOU READY FOR THIS MAMA BEAR? MY JUDGMENT MAY BE IMPAIRED BUT I THINK ONE AWESOME BEAR DESERVES ANOTHER!  BRING THAT FUCKER IN HERE!

/MASSIVE GROWLING NOISE

JJ: THE BEAR IS ALL YOURS VAGINA HELLACIOUS MCCASKEY, AND I BROUGHT ENOUGH COCAINE TO KILL LAWRENCE TAYLOR AND SIX MORE GRIZZLY BEARS SO LET’S PARTY LIKE I HAVE A WINNING TEAM WHO DOESN’T DO STUPID SHIT ALL THE TIME AND I’LL FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT PAIN WITH COCAINE AND YOU OLD FUCKS BECAUSE I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!