INT. CORPORATE BOARDROOM – DAY
A pair of corporate executives are seated in a conference room.
FANDUEL MARKETING MANAGER: Wow, we sure have been taking some shots in the press lately!
DRAFTKINGS JUNIOR VICE PRESIDENT: Yup.
FANDUEL: I mean, we’re staring down the barrel of an investigation by the district attorney.
DRAFTKINGS: Yup.
FANDUEL: I guess it wasn’t such a great idea for us to let our employees have access to aggregated customer data about team selection and then allow them to use that sensitive information to win boatloads of money on each others’ sites.
DRAFTKINGS: Nope. Made it looked like the game is rigged.
FANDUEL: Apparently they’ve called in a high-priced consultant to help us right the ship. Here he is now.
— [door glides open] —
TOM BRADY: Gentlemen.
The daily fantasy sports executives gape, but not at TOM. TOM follows their gaze to the door hinges, which have self-lubricated to the point that that are literally oozing grease.
TOM BRADY: [frowns with distaste] My apologies. I find that this…happens.
FANDUEL: No problem, Mr. Brady, we’ll get a janitor in to clean that right up. [activates intercom] Audrey, would you send in one of the custodians with a rag?
AUDREY: [through intercom] Certainly, sir.
BRADY: So I’m told that you men are having a bit of a problem with public relations.
DRAFTKINGS: That’s right. A whole bunch of people – including some of our customers – are starting to become incredibly hostile towards our service.
FANDUEL: They’re starting to feel like it’s a scam designed to separate steakheads from their money.
DRAFTKINGS: We’re being accused of…well, the biggest issue is that people believe our employees are using insider information to game the system.
BRADY: Ah, I see. In that case, my solution for you is actually quite simple. Deny everything. Deny it vehemently and repeatedly, and act insulted that someone would even SUGGEST impropriety on your part. Act as though you are willing to fight them to hell and back to clear your good name.
A custodian arrives and begins cleaning up the door hinges.
FANDUEL: Bit of a problem there.
DRAFTKINGS: You see, we’ve already acknowledged that our employees play – and win – using each other’s sites.
FANDUEL: In fact, it’s something we use to lure people to come work for us.
BRADY: Hmm, that makes things more complicated. [ponders for a moment] This is quite the pickle.
DRAFTKINGS: [looking past Brady] HEY! I SEE YOU! NOBODY’S TALKING ABOUT YOU! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
JIMMY CLAUSEN, who had poked his head around the corner, sulks off.
BRADY: I’m going to call in a friend of mine – he’s what’s known as a “fixer” – to help out with this one. [punches numbers into speakerphone]. He’s very good at what he does – his nickname is “The Hammer”.
RYAN MALLET: [answers phone] Oh, hey Tom! I…
BRADY: [hangs up, chuckles] I can’t believe he keeps falling for that. Anyhow, the answer to your problem is actually quite simple. You will find that…
BRADY: What the hell was that?
DRAFTKINGS: Oh, it was our newest ad. We’re branching out from football broadcasts into other potential viewing arenas.
BRADY: See, this gets to the crux of your problem. You’re…
BRADY: [growing frustrated] It’s actually quite…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfCm6PJuL5I
BRADY: WHAT THE FUCK IS…
BRADY: …GOING…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwJnBV52rUE
BRADY: …ON…
BRADY: …HERE?!?!?!?!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDa-cDu8KYg
Suddenly, the lighting across the tableaux changes, and takes on a reddish hue. TOM gasps in horror as the unblinking daily fantasy sports executives freeze in place. Their skin takes on the soulless sheen of wax; they are revealed to be nothing more than mannequins. The janitor turns around, clearing his throat.
BRADY: Jim? What the hell are you doing here?
JIM McNALLY: Oh Tom, don’t tell me you think you survived that Greg Hardy sack in the first quarter? A man such as him does not issue idle threats.
BRADY: I did! I got right back up! I threw for a pair of touchdowns later on!
McNALLY: [smiles ominously] You mean to tell me you still think you won that game?
TOM is speechless. He looks around the room, and tries to remember how he arrived at this location. He tries to remember a single thing that happened before he walked through that door, and realizes he cannot.
BRADY: I…
McNALLY: [laughs diabolically]
BRADY: …where am I?
[flames flicker]
[fin]
[…] funny is that if I ever got around to working on that Tom Brady’s Inferno series it would actually be a far worse scenario for Tom Brady to end up […]
This was highly entertaining.
“Hmm, that makes things more complicated. [ponders for a moment] This is quite the pickle.”
Sorry, I first read that as “Christian Ponder pick”.
Your version makes more sense.
It does? I’d say they make an equal amount of sense.
Well, more accurate. Unlike Christian Ponder.
I got all the way to “BRADY: WHAT THE FUCK IS…” before I just completely lost my shit. So good.
That ending too…
http://i.imgur.com/QLEh0sh.jpg
I rather love the tag.
Thanks. The funny thing is, I’ve never actually read more than a paragraph or two of Eggers’ work, but given that the book that made him famous was all about MEEEEEEE I remain satisfied with my unfounded evaluation of his talents.
“A Heartbreaking Work…” is actually pretty good, but his second one, “And you shall know our velocity” is a good piece on the futility of good natured bros thinking they can just go do good in the world with all their american cash.
Sort of the same thing in his one on the impotence of the american businessman who goes to the middle east, though I can’t remember what the title is.
Holy shit.
I’m in favor of one of the following happening :
1) The ads turn into negative attack ads on the other daily fantasy site, featuring lots of stock footage of clouds and phrases like “FanDuel/Draftkings WANT you to believe they’re on your side, BUT…”
or
2) Further investigations reveal high level collusion and they get busted for anti-Trust something or other
I’m all for both companies being forced into a highlander-esque “THERE CAN BE ONNLY ONE” fight to the death, complete with public beheadings and Sean Connery getting shot a few hundred times in the sequel.
Highlander 2 never happened and I will fight you to the death if you claim otherwise.
I was so hopeful when I saw Michael Ironside was in H2, but then I watched it, and I am inclined to agree with your mentally deleting it from history.
This is fantastic.
BRAVO!
Is Fanduel just going to get regulated out of existence? This seems like online poker all over again where a few stud players hammer n00bs right from the start. New players are parted with their money, do not enjoy the experience, quit playing. Eventually there are no more rubes and people become aware that you’re not really playing against other casual viewers, you’re playing against Phil Hellmuth, and they go look for something that at least gives them the *illusion* of having a chance.
Add to it that you aren’t even playing against skilled competition, you’re playing against insider traders — that’s not even fucking novel.
Also, I don’t want Brady to just turn up dead. I want to watch him die.
The whole thing is that fantasy sports are backed by the NFL and the other leagues. Poker did not have that kind of support. Fantasy sports is a gold mine. It’s not going anywhere. If anything, the regulations are good for FanDuel and DraftKings because it will create massive hurdles that will limit competitors and startups that don’t have the money they do. Basically they’re getting MADE.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yISNK0isNvk/URGEb6b9LwI/AAAAAAAAGrU/ZTwu3S-T36Y/s1600/tumblr_m85oa58xup1qzyk5wo1_500.png
And everyone in that picture lived happily ever after and nothing bad happened ever again…
They’re not going anywhere, but I think the ads are going to be toned down considerably – instead of clogging up the actual games, they’ll be relegated to programming that’s aimed at more hardcore NFL fans (fantasy football shows, etc.).
THIS. Congress won’t do shit, because of who has a stake in it (thought I read that Fox/Murdoch has a big piece of one of ’em), but it would behoove them to get on the down low for awhile.
Plus, why bother with more of the saturation ads now? Everybody knows who these fucks are at this point. I would imagine that, on balance, the bad press is at least neutral for them.
FWIW, my online poker experience involved getting drunk and bored one night, loading $200 “stake”, playing for like 25 minutes, hitting a straight, and quitting as soon as I won my first big hand. Cashed my $284 check like 2 weeks later.
I was not their ideal customer.
Also see Duchess’ breakdown of the skill vs. chance regulations that the NFL has been protecting through litigation for years.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/09/15/daily-fantasy-football-vs-the-bookie/
I did not see that coming.
The original concept ended with the executives complaining that they’d already bought the airtime, so they needed to fill it with *something*, and Brady advising them to imitate those old Bugle Boy commercials (example) from the late 80’s and put a bunch of half-naked models on screen with a ticker touting DFS.
I thought this direction would be much more fun.
They didn’t see it coming either.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syoi82_mCzk
/Places self in locker labeled twee indie band fans.
Jesus. I made it 52 seconds into that song and had to cleans my ears out with Maiden.
I went with Zappa; same intent.