Greetings esteemed culinarians. Welcome to a piping hot and fresh edition of Sunday Gravy or as the Chinese may say,

Xīngqírì ròuzhī or

星期日肉汁.

We are off and running with a brand new cuisine and all sorts of cool new techniques for you to show off and dazzle your friends and family.

If you’ve been following along at home you know that I’ve about run out of my standard “I can make this shit without a recipe” food items and we’ve been branching out to new cuisines and new techniques. It’s equally fun, frustrating, challenging and enlightening.

I’m learning some new fucking shit man!

One of the cuisines I’ve been slow getting around to is Chinese cuisine, basically Americanized Chinese cuisine since my translation skills of original Chinese is pretty close to fucking nil.

We did fuck around and made some goddamn delicious egg rolls and they were goddamn delicious indeed, but like a goddamn cross-culture dickhead I made them with Korean food. I hate to break this to me but these are different cuisines and cultures moron!

The Chinese food that most of us know and love is the Americanized version of Chinese.

Quick show of hands, how many of you go to Panda Express and order the orange chicken with a side of noodles and an egg roll?

Goddammit, I knew it!

Man, fuck that fast food Americanized Chinese food place. Find and establish your very own family owned and operated Chinese take out place. Here’s one of mine.

Canton Low! This is in my hometown of El Segundo and they make an orange peel chicken with chilies that is a cross between spicy orange chicken and fried chicken. Mother of fuck is it good.

Here’s a menu for another recent discovery:

Chubby Rice! It’s a little more in the hood but it’s worth the drive, in the middle of the afternoon. The chubby wings are the shit and the salt and pepper pork chop? Fuck yes.

I’ve even got another place that’s about a 90 second WALK from my house that does this spicy fish dish that’s cooked in onion and garlic and jalapeno that will definitely cause an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours.

So why haven’t I attempted home made Chinese food apart from the egg rolls and some fried rice?

Beats the piss out of me.

As it turns out it’s really fucking easy to make. Granted there is a bit of prep time and you’re going to need access to a few Chinese staples, maybe some that you have to order from Amazon but goddammit, you can do this! It’s also much much better than your average take out place. With one very large exception.

Yang Chow in Chinatown in downtown Los Angeles. There is no better Americanized Chinese food on the goddamn planet. Period. Nothing you can say will change my mind. Why?

Slippery Shrimp. Holy. Fucking. God! My youngest daughter is convinced that they infuse this dish with crack because once you try it you will never NOT think about trying it again. Seriously, the kiddo and I went in one Saturday just as they opened, there were about 10 or so tables taken. They took everybody’s order and several minutes later they set a plate of this beautiful wondrous fucking thing on EVERY table that was occupied.

Anyway. Let’s try our hand at some homemade Chinese food shall we?

After doing some research on the items I wanted to prepare, and after checking multiple recipes on multiple sites I was able to create a hybrid recipe that used a few ideas from this recipe, a few from another recipe etc. So while I was inspired from several original recipes the end result I’m going to take credit for. I’ll give the websites that inspired me as I go along.

So what are you’re favorite two items for a combo meal? I’m not even going to TRY making the slippery shrimp since I don’t want to disappoint myself.

Today we will be making Mongolian beef and broccoli and Kung Pao Chicken!

Before getting started I must insist that you prep everything in advance. One of the things about Americanized Chinese cuisine is that everything cooks super fast on a very high heat and you won’t have time to mince, chop and prep while you’re cooking. So get everything chopped, minced, marinated and ready before turning on the flame.

Mongolian Beef and Broccoli!

original inspiration from Delish.com

1-2 pounds of rib eye cut into cubes and trimmed of most of the fat.

3 tablespoons of peanut oil. Yes, peanut oil. Higher smoke point and all that.

3-4 tablespoons of corn starch. Goddamn, these recipes have a lot of corn starch in them.

3 cloves of finely minced garlic.

2 tablespoons of finely minced ginger. Garlic and ginger are in EVERY recipe I read.

1 teaspoon of red pepper flake.

1/2 teaspoon of ground Szechuan pepper*

1 teaspoon of sesame oil

2 tablespoons of hoisin sauce.

1/2 cup of low sodium soy sauce

3 tablespoons of brown sugar

1/4 cup of water

Handful of broccoli florets

3 scallions chopped. Both white and green parts. We will use the white part of the scallion in the dish and we will garnish with the green scallions.

A note on the Szechuan pepper corns * These can be ordered and were in fact ordered from Amazon. Just get a second pepper grinder and mark it clearly. Holy shit is there a difference in black pepper and Szechuan pepper. You’ve been warned.

Let’s cube up that steak first.

There’s the sexiness right there. The original recipe called for sliced flank steak and I imagine you could use other cuts but if I’m in charge and I’m choosing the beef? Give me the motherfucking rib eye. They use that shit in Philly cheese steaks don’t they?

Toss the meat with the corn starch and let sit for a few minutes while we prep the rest.

Add the minced garlic, ginger and scallions to a small bowl.

Next combine the soy, sesame oil, hoisin, brown sugar, water, Szechuan pepper and red pepper flake to another bowl and mix well.

Now get out your trusty wok or a very large skillet and put over high heat on the stove top. Turn on your fan on the stove just in case. Add the peanut oil to the pan and get that bastard HOT!

Toss in the beef chunks that have been coated in corn starch and get fucking busy!

This will only need to cook for about three minutes per side. We want to get the beef crispy and browned.

When the beef has browned remove from the skillet and place in a bowl. Yes, I’m aware that you ate a piece of the cooked beef. STOP TEMPTING ME SATAN!

Next we are going to toss the garlic, ginger and scallions into the pan and saute for just a few seconds until fragrant. Now let’s add in the prepared sauce and get that shit cooking.

This is going to simmer, well actually it’s a fuck ton hotter than just a simmer but you know what I mean. This will cook and thicken for about 4-5 minutes. And this fucker smells incredible. Now we’re going to add the broccoli and cook for about 3 additional minutes.

Hey? Hey you? Yeah you. You know what? I don’t like broccoli. I never have. I sure as fuck didn’t eat any in this dish despite what the banner image said. I find it harmless enough in this application but I didn’t eat it just the same. The other folks who had this dinner had no issues eating the broccoli.

Now that the broccoli is cooked let’s get that browned meat back in the pan and finish this fucker up!

Make sure everything is coated with the sauce and serve. Actually since I was making a 2nd dish I just removed everything to a bowl, garnished with the scallions and got ready for dish 2.

Here is a not so good photo of the finished dish.

If you wanted to just stop here and serve this on some cooked rice I won’t be mad at you. This is however 2 item Chinese combo! Give that pan a fast wipe with a paper towel, yes the fucking thing will scorch your dumb ass if you don’t do it carefully, and let’s get to round two!

Kung Pao Chicken!

original inspiration from my old friends at Epicurious.com

1 1/2 pounds of boneless, skin-less chicken breast or thighs cut into cubes.

2 teaspoons of sake or Chinese rice wine. I still had some sake on hand so there you go.

2 teaspoons of corn starch

2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar

2 teaspoons of hoisin

2 teaspoons of sesame oil

2 teaspoons of sugar

1 more teaspoon of corn starch. Did I tell you about the corn starch thing?

1 teaspoon of ground Szechuan pepper

2 tablespoons of peanut oil

10-12 dried chile de arbol

3 scallions chopped and like before separate the white parts from the green parts.

3 cloves of minced garlic

2 teaspoons of minced ginger

4 to 6 ounces of cashews or peanuts. The recipe called for unsalted dry roasted peanuts. While I’m a big fan of salted dry roasted peanuts the unsalted ones don’t do shit for me. I had some cashews on hand so I used some salted peanuts and some cashews. Use the cashews, it was a solid addition.

It’s deja vu time! This will look eerily like the first preparation. I prepped both dishes before cooking anything so it was all ready to go when the skillet was turned on.

Cube up that chicken!

Once again combine the garlic, ginger and scallions and put in a bowl. I used every fucking bowl that I own to prepare this meal.

Next build up that sauce by combining, the vinegar, soy, hoisin, sesame oil, sugar, additional corn starch and Szechuan pepper. Give it a stir.

Here’s everything prepped and ready.

That’s the bag of chile de arbol next to my mixer. Don’t be afraid of these things, they aren’t crazy hot like Thai chilies and they can be a really nice addition to a pot of pinto beans if you are making refried beans. You can also make a decent salsa from them by re-hydrating them in some hot water, before blending together with some tomato sauce, garlic, minced onion and some lime juice. There will be other uses for them.

One more time!

Combine the sake and first batch of corn starch with the chicken and get a quick marinade going, maybe 10 minutes or so.

Heat up the skillet on high, add the peanut oil and then the chilies. Cook the chilies until browned slightly and very fragrant. Next get a sear going on the chicken, we will saute them with the chilies like a bad motherfucker.

These only need a few minutes per side. Cook until no longer pink.

Unlike the Mongolian beef we will be leaving the chicken in the skillet while we finish the dish.

Toss in the garlic, ginger, scallion stuff and saute for about 30 seconds. Next add in the sauce and get a good coat on everything. Add in the cashews/peanuts and cook for another minute or two.

We only need to cook for a few minutes since we just want to tighten the sauce up. Remember the additional corn starch? That’s for the tighten up. As most of you know corn starch can be used instead of a roux in some sauces as a thickening agent. Tighten that shit up!

Remove from heat, place on a serving dish and garnish with the green scallions. I served everything over white rice.

True story! I was in the Official DFO Poker Room a few days back and one of our crew asked me about making rice. I’m not judging here. I’m trying to help everyone with their cooking skills.

White rice is always 1 part rice, 2 parts water, heat the water to boil, add the rice and stir, cover tightly with a lid, reduce the heat to VERY low and cook for 20 minutes. NO PEEKING! Sometimes I’ll add a pat of butter at the end. Was it me in drag doing Paula Dean’s old show?

MAYBE!

Get the rice on the plate, add a scoop of Mongolian beef then add another scoop of the chicken dish. If you want an egg roll feel free to make them from the linked recipe if you choose. I didn’t feel like using the time to make homemade egg rolls since this was a first attempt at some new recipes. The egg roll in the photos was store bought. I regret nothing!

Here again.

Delicious! Spicy, savory with some heat and a little sweet. Yes, I did chomp down on a couple of the cooked red chilies because I’m an idiot like that. I look at it as controlling your heat levels. We also had some soy sauce and a bottle of sriracha as condiments.

This was as good as any Chinese take out Mongolian beef and kung pao chicken that I’ve ever had. I was seriously proud of the results. Much success! Apart from the prep work, which actually wasn’t that bad in itself, this was very easy to do.

Thanks for reading folks.

I hope I’ve given you the courage to get in there and try this yourself. I promise this will be cooked in the right household again. Shit, I was thinking about making some tomorrow.

心想事成
Xīn xiǎng shì chéng

“May all your wishes come true!”

Special programming note: We will be having a guest cook for next week’s Sunday Gravy and I’m sure you will enjoy their contribution.

I’m not being lazy, it’s Spring and I want to grill some carne asada dammit and I’ve already posted that twice! I’ll be back in a couple of weeks.

PEACE!