Dear [Door Flies Open] Forum: Should I Tell My Wife?

I woke up and she was rolling around on the bedroom floor.

I should back up a little.  My wife and I have been having a bit of an argument lately.  Our cat will stay out late (ignoring my plaintive cries for her to come back in), and I’ll want to leave the patio door open so that she can come back in at her leisure.  That way, I don’t have to get out of bed at 3 a.m. to open the door for her when she starts meowing beneath our bedroom window.  My wife is worried that an animal will find its way into the house.  “Yes,” I respond, “an animal such as our cat.”  I always insist that with both a cat and dog on patrol, and having lowered the fence to keep skunks out, wild animals aren’t going to wander into our house.

So last night I woke up at about two in the morning to hear the cat fiddling around with a plastic bag on our bedroom floor.  I turned on the light (confirming that what I heard was, in fact, the cat) and headed downstairs to put her away in the garage along with the dog.  Imagine my surprise when I crossed through the kitchen to see a large raccoon casually loitering on the patio outside.

I closed the patio door, and then decided it would be a good idea to let my dog chase the raccoon away.  I thought a few barks would spook the raccoon, and he wouldn’t come back.  This was, like many ideas conceived at 2 a.m., a terrible one.  I brought her outside, where an agonizing amount of time passed before she even noticed the raccoon.  She then quietly approached to within several feet, sniffing.  I never expected the raccoon to stand his ground.  But stand he did.  Perhaps “arched” is a better description.  He hissed, like a cat.  Frightened for the sake of my dog, I grabbed one of my sandals and hurled it at him – scoring a direct hit – and he finally took off.  And then of course my dog finally started barking, chasing the coon across the yard until he climbed the fence and leapt into the trees.

After a while I got the dog calmed down, gave her a treat, and put her back to bed.  Now, I feel terrible about putting my dog in danger like that.  But with regards as to whether a wild animal will find his way into the house…this is a photo I took this morning, looking outside through our patio door.  Note the direction of travel the paw prints indicate.

coon2Meanwhile, the cat could give two shits about anything that happened during this whole ordeal.

UPDATE:

This is the candle we normally keep on top of the toilet tank in the downstairs bathroom.  The scented candle.

candle1

Fire cleanses all.

candle2

Perhaps I’ll let Gordon Gano offer a suggestion as to how I should deal with this dilemma.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Subscribe
Notify of
41 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
makeitsnowondem

Man, don’t say a goddamned word about it to her. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t even tell us, if you have the means to rewind time Life Is Strange-style. No one can ever know.

Covalent Blonde

If you do possess this magical ability, definitely and positively use it exclusively for pedantic shit. No one likes a hero. Use it for cutting yourself while shaving and rewind time so you’re more careful with the razor. Keep it easy.

Old School Zero

/reads “Dear [Door Flies Open] Forum”

[Pants Fly Open]

/reads article

[Pants Slowly Close]

Sill Bimmons

You don’t already have iris-scan secured animal ingress?

scotchnaut

Is this the open thread? Here I go…

Aaron Craft, the grittiest, hustling-est, white-est, whiny-est player in the NBA Summer League is struggling.

Hey Aaron, at this level you’re just not good enough to get the benefit of the 50/50 call. Hurts, don’t it?

/I hate that guy

Sep

Wait, is this another Puzzle? I haven’t even solved the last one yet!

scotchnaut

I’d trade in the cat for the raccoon in a heartbeat.

Cuntler

Also, nice aim with the sandal. I am impressed!

Horatio Cornblower

If Chad Pennington were there the raccoon would have dropped him for a 7 yard loss.

WhyEaglesWhy

I suggest a cat-sized doggie door that’s too small for a raccoon. Our cat used to drive me nuts not wanting to come in at night. Now in our new house he has a door and he can stay out all night for all I care.

Cuntler

From the picture, it looks like you have a sliding glass door. I would get a sliding screen door for the outside (there should be a track where you can install one) and google “cat door in screen door” and just make one really easily. I just googled the price of a standard sliding screen door at Home Depot and it is $69 (nice).

I don’t know your wife, but I would tell mine. She would be mad for about 2 seconds, would laugh, and then make fun of me for being a dumb ass.

Note: We don’t have cats because, no matter how irrational it is, I don’t want a pet that touches its own shit daily walking all over kitchen counters where we prepare food. Also, cats are assholes.

Horatio Cornblower

If there is a door into your house big enough for your cat to get in there is a door into your house big enough for a raccoon to get in.

sunrisesunrise

I think I saw something along these lines but the cat door wouldn’t open unless the cat had on a special collar. This would then keep out unwanted critters.

/starting to think it was a Skymall product

Covalent Blonde

Apparently nothing is too small for a raccoon, those devious little fucks.

scotchnaut

You be right. Raccoons can get into anything.

laserguru

Looks like you have some 3:00 AM wake up calls coming.
Just use that as an opportunity to visit the pissoir and hopefully you can fall back asleep.
My 3:00 AM wake up results vary.

King Hippo

Yeah, at 42, I’m pretty happy if I only have to get up ONCE in the night to go tinkle.

Usually it’s the other way around for me. One cat (Kruger) will howl to go OUT around 4 or 5. If you ignore him, he will start smacking you in the face. Then, he will start knocking things you care about off your nightstand. He knows my glasses will make me go “goddmanit, ok” so that’s all he ever knocks off of mine.

Good thing he’s cute.

Covalent Blonde

She drank a martini like it was a shot and still had the stamina for several hours of furniture shopping. The conservative estimate is that she will lord this over you for 3 years.

Yes, tell your wife, but not now. You’re on vacation soon, right? Tell her then. Write out your confession, wrap it up, put a bow on it, and give her a “You told me so!” like an engagement ring.

Your predicament is rather hilarious.

King Hippo

Actually, this is the best idea I have ever heard. It’s like one should actually ask a woman when trying to deal with woman thingys. WEIRD!!

ballsofsteelandfury

I completely agree with this idea.

sunrisesunrise

I think it depends on how long she will hold it over your head. If she’s the type to brush it off, fess up. If not, erase the paw prints, close the door and say your don’t want bugs in the house.

King Hippo

But also consider that she MAY have noticed and is waiting to see if you come clean of your own accord. And if you don’t…

sunrisesunrise

That is devious.

King Hippo

My two cats have killed a grown squirrel, but not sure even they would fuck with a raccoon. Them’s some mean mofos.

King Hippo

And I would say that George Zimmerman would have been proud, but we all know what he thinks about coons ,, no ofence.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There’s only one proper course of action: you have to move.

Horatio Cornblower

This is hilarious on so many levels. If you have food in your house, and you leave a door open, and animal will come in. You’re lucky it was just a coon, or, as I believe they prefer to be called, Procyon Lotor-Americans, and not a bear or Aaron Rodgers.

The cat sitting disinterestedly in front of the foot prints is killing me. “Yeah, I let it in the house. Whatever. Feed me.”

Also, clean the footprints, don’t tell your wife and close the goddamn door.

King Hippo

Rule #1 of cats…they ALWAYS meant to do that. No matter what.

King Hippo

I was all prepared to post a link to Depeche Mode’s “Policy of Truth” but I am forced to admit that your wife has earned the gold medal of matrimony…

“Honey, you were right.”

And holy fuck, you must be way more accepting of houseflies than I am. Jeebus.

King Hippo

Leaving the door open in the summertime!!! Or is that just a Southern thang? If I were to leave the door open for as much as 15 minutes, my fucking house would be crawling with those awful things.

/slowly learning that I kinda hate the South

King Hippo

If I see just one, I go PCP-level psycho until it’s dead, though.

Back to being sort of a stickler Meseeks (it’s all context for me).

God, I hate flies.

Covalent Blonde

Okay, so when you say “PCP-level” that should be read as, “naked and running down the streets of suburbia with prongs sticking out of your back as you drag the the taser along the asphalt behind you,” right?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

That’s what the DARE Officer always taught us