City Councilman: All right, this has been a full day of hearing public testimony on the issue of the proposed new stadium, and I think we have our last citizen. If you could please step up to the mic, mister…
BOLTMAN! [pounds chest, a brief snippet of the ‘San Diego Super Chargers’ theme plays from somewhere in his mask]
C: Ah, yes, Mr. Boltman. You have five minutes. Please proceed.
B: BOLTMAN is here today to CHARGE YOU UP! The CHARGERS are looking to SCORE, brother, and want to plant that ball IN A BRAND NEW ENDZONE, PREFERABLY SOMEWHERE CENTRALLY LOCATED AND HAVING MODERN AMENITIES! BOLTMAN would like to PLEDGE HIS SUPPORT to making a new stadium A REALITY, and will put all his BOLT BRIGADE BROTHERS to work! [stomps, stomps, claps; stomps, stomps claps] YEAH! BOLTMAN is all about bringing WINS to his CHARGERS COMMUNITY–AND THAT MEANS EVERYONE IN THE GREATER SAN DIEGO AREA! BOLTMAN SI HABLA ROCK N’ ROLLA! WOOO! [mimes an air guitar as a shredding guitar solo plays from somewhere in this fake muscle suit] Now, what you gonna do, brothers, when the POWDERED BLUES come down and WIN THE SUPER BOWL? Let them play in old JACK MURPHY as it FALLS APART and smells like GARLIC FRIES SOAKED IN URINE? HELL NO! WE GOTTA STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING! SHUT IT DOWN! DE-FENSE! [claps, claps] DE-FENSE! [claps, claps] We gotta DIG DEEP, pull out ALL THE STOPS, and put a WORLD CLASS STADIUM IN SAN DIEGO! YEAHHHHHHHHH! [pumps arms in the air, the opening bars of ‘Crazy Train’ play from somewhere in his oversized shoes] ANY QUESTIONS FOR BOLTMAN?
C: Well, uh, that was quite the presentation Mister Boltman. How much financial support are you, personally, willing to commit to the stadium project?
B: BOLTMAN WILL GIVE ALL HE CAN!
C: Do you have, say, 250 million dollars?
B: BOLTMAN CAN WRITE YOU A CHECK FOR $46.88!
C: Hmm. That’s not quite enough. How do you feel about moving the team to Los Angeles, Mister Boltman?
B: BOLTMAN WILL PUT ON A RAVEN MASK AND SHOOT YOUR COCK AND BALLS OFF WITH A SHOTGUN! [air guitar solo again]
C: That is a very compelling argument. I can see you’re committed to your cause. One last question: as a San Diego Chargers fan, would you rather have a brand new stadium, or this large plate of freshly made fish tacos with mango salsa?
B: BOLTMAN IS SUDDENLY CONFLICTED! BOLTMAN WOULD LIKE… UH… [puts his gloved hand to his chin, and a sound effect of a clap of thunder followed by the opening mariachi band tune from ‘Ring Of Fire’ plays] BOLTMAN WILL STICK TO HIS CONVICTIONS! NEW STA-DI-UM! [claps, claps, clapsclapsclaps] NEW STA-DI-UM! [claps, claps, clapsclapsclaps]
C:Very well. Thank you for your testimony Mister Boltman. We will now move on to more council business, namely the motion to drain the public school’s annual budget and add it to our salaries.
B: BOLTMAN OUT! [the entirety of the ‘San Diego Super Chargers’ plays as he exits the room while doing a clearly rehearsed yet poorly coordinated dance]
[Dean Spanos appears in a puff of smoke, grabs the plate of fish tacos with a ‘yoink!’ and disappears in another puff of smoke]
I think Boltman, Duffman, Spuds McKenzie, and that fucking gorilla from the Phoenix Suns should form the New Avengers.
I’ve heard that Spuds is a locker room cancer. Maybe go with Air Bud instead?
I suggest Slurm:
http://sp3.fotolog.com/photo/35/63/87/toongaaa/1225756344458_f.jpg
Jaxon De’Ville is free. And he already likes fucking with Florio.
Well, this testimony still went better than King Laserface’s “San Diego County Municipal Queer Tax” proposal.
He was the obvious choice to float it out there.
So what’s the over/under on the number of weeks before Uproxx tries to poach OSZ? I’ll put it at seven.
Nah, they’re not smart enough. We’re safe.
I’m too old to be a new hire there. Also, I’m allergic to listicles and aggregation.
[puts BoS and OSZ down for $500 each on the over]
[calls Uproxx and asks if they’re interested in receiving something called a ‘kickback’]
Doesn’t that mean I just have to wait until week 8 to accept the offer?
AWW YEAH SIGNING BONUS!
Uproxx: Can you get that to us in Bud Light?
Uproxx: Whatever
Being a city councilman must be a shitty job. I mean, you gotta listen to Sprots Homers like this all day and be expected not to laugh?
If I wanted to do that I’d just watch the current iteration of SNL.
They could always move to Yellow Knife?
http://i.imgur.com/wwZ4zzj.jpg
$34 huh? Not sure I want to know what the fees are for.
Remember that’s Canadian, so that’s like 10 American cents.
Manti Teo would welcome the opportunity to have a Canadian Girlfriend.
Is anyone else pissed that the old authors are not recognized anymore? The post that OSZ linked to shows that it was written by “Kissing Suzy Kolber”. If you look at the tags, you can clearly see that Drew wrote it.
WTF, Uproxx? Are you that fucking insecure that you can’t give credit to the great writers that came before?
You know who else liked to rewrite history, right?
It may be partially due to the weird name changes that happened when it all got switched over to Uproxx/WordPress–old WordPress accounts/emails replaced the old author names. I’m also sure it was an easier to do that replacement than anything else, and it cleared up any clickbait attribution payments (if those are a thing; I’m just assuming that the Uproxx Business Asshole Division wants to prevent any and all ad dollars from being credited elsewhere).
I remember that, but if they were able to correct them, they should have been able to correct EVERYTHING. Again, doing the easiest thing is not the recipe for quality.
This is sad in that it is so true.
Especially the Dean Spanos part.
I prefer to think of it as:
BOLTMAN WILL PUT ON A RAVEN MASK AND SHOOT YOUR COCK AND BALLS OFF WITH A SHOTGUN! [air guitar solo again]
I think you need to write a parallel story line to True Detective where Boltman is the killer. There is no way Boltman doesn’t have a sex dungeon in real life.
When I read “sex dungeon” was I the only one who heard a sweet ’80s guitar wail?
Should have taken the fish tacos.
Outstanding work good sir.
I gotta admit, I’d be really tempted if those fish tacos were right in front of me.
I truly hope your team get’s to stay in San Diego.
Signed Los Angeles
OMG, that was great to wake up to! Tremendous work!
That was amazing! DUFF MAN IS THRUSTING IN APPROVAL! OOOOHHHH YEEEEAAAHHH!
http://persephonemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/uexc_attach/duffman.gif