Slutty Saturday – Underwear Review

A while back, Old School Zero posted a review of Magic Mike XXL that led me down an underwear rabbit-hole from which I am now climbing out of and reporting back to you, dedicated DFO readers.  I do this as a public service and in the hope that it may help you somehow someway.

You see, my username is not just an ode to the Steelers, my favorite team.  It is also an ode to my balls, my favorite twins.  Some men give their penis a nickname or even an actual name.  I, on the other hand, have been happy to go with Itchy and Scratchy.  It just works.

Anyway, my whole life I’ve struggled with being able to find comfortable underwear.  In my youth, my mom bought me tighty whities, but those were, obviously, too tight, specially in the sack area.  I have never liked boxers because there is no support there, my balls stick to my legs, and I might as well be wearing nothing.  So, most of my adult life I’ve been wearing boxer briefs, which have been a necessary but unsatisfying compromise.

The problem, dear readers, is the room in boxer briefs for my sack.  Most boxer briefs you buy in department stores are built out of straight pieces of material which end up pushing your naughty bits back towards your body.  Here is a good example:

There are some other versions of boxer briefs that have a bit of a pouch, but that is still not enough.  Also, they are more expensive.

So, for the longest time, I have been searching, like Don Quixote, for the perfect pair of underwear that will accommodate my balls in a more natural way.

What does this have to do with OSZ’s post, you say?  Ah, I was getting to that.  You see, OSZ’s post featured this image:

which floored me.  Here was some underwear that predominantly featured a nice pouch for my junk!  They looked comfortable as hell so I asked in the post where one could get such underwear.  You know, for a friend.  Meanwhile, I googled and found Andrew Christian underwear.  OSZ also responded and mentioned a store in Portland where he buys his undies and also mentioned Aussie Bum, another brand.  Off to the Google machine I went!  I bought two underwears from Andrew Christian and two from Aussie Bum.  All four have arrived and I have tried them all, so here is my review:

Underwear #1 – Andrew Christian Almost Naked Sports Brief

What the description says: Our bestselling take on the classic brief is back, the Almost Naked Sport Brief is sportier and sexier than ever! We’ve brought it back in three new, classic colors, and you’ll need all of them. Our Andrew Christian waistband is sporty and will reduce the appearance of your waistline. Wearing this pair will feel like you’re not wearing any underwear at all. It’s revolutionary hang-free design is anatomically correct with no hidden cups, straps or padding, and gives you extra room in front, just where you need it. When you pull them on, your package falls naturally into the super soft snuggle pocket to create a truly enjoyable unique wearing experience. Virtually eliminates sticking, squashing, re-adjusting, sweating and chafing. Constructed from super soft rayon made from bamboo fiber makes this one of the nicest feeling briefs you will own. The neon colors glow super bright under black light…great for the club!

My impression: It really does feel like you are wearing nothing at all.  My junk hangs down like if I was wearing nothing, but at the same time is comfortably covered by soft breathable material.  I had no issues with balls sticking to legs or ball sweat.  The only downside was that this is the sports brief and the leg openings were a little tight on me.  I’m hoping they loosen up with use.

Rating: 8.3 out of 10.

Underwear #2 – Andrew Christian Almost Naked Tagless Boxer (the blue one on the left)

BTW, have I mentioned that Andrew Christian is a company that sells underwear geared towards gay men?

What the description says: Because you love it so much, we’ve brought back the best-selling Almost Naked Tagless Boxer in new prime colors to flatter that prime ass. It’s just the ultimate in comfort. With our anatomically correct pouch, your package falls naturally into the super soft snuggle pouch to create a truly enjoyable unique wearing experience. Our pouch virtually eliminates sticking, squashing, re-adjusting, sweating and chafing. The waistband features our Ultra Slimming Elastic with extra stretch to reduce the appearance of your waistline. We dare you not to look amazing in these.

My impression: These were better than the sports brief in some ways and worse in others.  Again, it really does feel like you are wearing nothing at all. This time, the leg opening was not an issue.  The stitches around the leg were not as strong, so there was a little more give.  The material is still super soft and comfortable. The only downside is that they do highlight the fact that I have a gut I need to lose; more so than the sports briefs.  I’m still not clear on why that is, but it must be the design.

Rating: 8.7 out of 10.

 

Underwear #3 – Aussie Bum WJ Pro

I must admit, when I first put these on, I put them on wrong and it was a bit painful.  I finally figured out the reason:  These have a pouch that is located higher up than the Andrew Christian underwear, which starts at the perineum.  What this means is that you have to grab your entire package, lift it, and then slip it inside the pouch.  The result is the picture you see above.  It also means that the Aussies were paying attention to Mr. Garrison:

http://southpark.cc.com/clips/152311/teacher-training

What the description says:  You know, it’s probably best just to show you this video:

My impression: It is hilarious how much I am aware of my junk.  It is seriously OUT THERE.  Once I got over the initial fuckup in putting them on, they are actually quite comfortable.  Having the pouch higher up is what makes the outward projection.  You just have to remember every time you put them on to grab your junk and put it carefully in the pouch.  After that, you really don’t think about it much.  Except that you think you are going to poke someone with your penis from ten yards away.  Also, this underwear is probably heaven for the stereotypical East Coast white boys that grab their junk and say Fuggetaboutit.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10. (Add one point if you love to grab your junk)

Underwear #4 – Aussie Bum Enlarge It

Not content with feeling like you can poke someone with your penis from 10 yards away?  ENLARGE IT

What the description says:  Again, why use words when video says it much better?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCqGHeB8rSQ

My impression: Funnily enough, my package feels smaller while wearing this underwear than with the WJ Pro.  It does not stick straight out like with the WJ Pro and I do not feel like I can cause damage to faraway objects.  It is made out of softer material and the stitching feels a little looser, so there is a lot more give.  As shown in the video, there is a lot more bounce.  There is still plenty of room for my junk and it is still quite comfortable.  On the downside, the front waistband slopes down, so it highlights the aforementioned gut that needs to go.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10.

Overall impressions:

I am quite happy with all of my purchases.  Some fit better than others, but there were none that I had to take off due to discomfort and never wear again, which has happened in the past. I still have not found the perfect pair of underwear, but these have come the closest yet.  I may need to experiment some more and try different styles.  As for the brands, I definitely like the material Andrew Christian uses better.  The fact that they cater specifically to gay men doesn’t matter to me. Also, I have found out that they have a factory store within 10 minutes of my house that offers 50% off all underwear all the time, which is great.  On the other hand, I got a coupon for $10 off my next order when I got my Aussie Bum underwear and they came pretty quickly after I ordered them directly from Australia.  I have to say that I do enjoy the feeling of having my junk feel like it’s OUT THERE.  Both companies also sell bathing suits, but I’m not ready for that yet.  I still have a gut to lose…

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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[…] home team to be listed first. Balls reminded us recently of that one, and is also the author of the legendary underwear post. Full circle […]

Sep

I feel like this could be an ep of The Twilight Zone. Also, I’ve been watching a lot of The Twilight Zone on Netflix.

Sep

Boxers, you heretics. I hope your balls sweat in Hell!!!

boxer briefs for the formal/snazzy times.

Covalent Blonde

If you haven’t tried anything from them, you might like Ex Officio. Not that I am wildly familiar from my own hanging batch, but they seem to get wildly good reviews from my employees, so much so that it is a nearly unified front in what they are sporting in their nethers! Both briefs and boxer briefs, too, and even boys who also wore Andrew Christian knickers became converts! They have this crazy wicking mesh that is amazing and if I had to worry about hot junk, without question the “sport mesh” would be my go to.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Could you please provide us with an example of your Employee Banana Hammock Quiz?

http://33.media.tumblr.com/d25a6c3088846e0d5cbc340945b0c283/tumblr_mkr3xgiXx11sn41fxo1_500.gif

Covalent Blonde

I wish I looked that good in tight leather pants!

One of my engineers was going on a guided fly fishing trip for his birthday two years ago and I was looking for a gift for him and I ran across a pair on Orvis of Ex Officio that had handsome little drawings of varieties of salmon species. It was an incidental and cheeky gift that turned into a sea change of undies for most of my colleagues. Since our jobs will get us pretty mucky from time to time and since we have locker rooms, I assume I have heard about the vote of approval as idle chatter that has just trickled up.

I leave my looming sexual harassment suit for someone coming into my office when I have Sexy Friday up on my screen!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m going to order some on Amazon on blind faith.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That look of disappointment and slight disgust…. perfect.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NSFW!

NSFW!!

Hot salamander three-way ACTION!

http://36.media.tumblr.com/74b7aa9f05b433c74a3f41c0cfba4212/tumblr_n1qlbxHEJY1qegnbao1_1280.jpg

….. or they just got stuck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A bit more than pot, but still funny regardless.:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7pYWvB9fEg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Steven Weber & Lysette Anthony ~ Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

http://31.media.tumblr.com/e4563a1499d29e1a171d313eafb05a19/tumblr_ncast6SHSW1qakh43o1_500.gif

Cuntler

So I just saw highlights from the WNBA all star game. Almost as bad as hanging out with baseball fans.

/ go tigers

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Cuntler

The Baltimore PD?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bizzaro Tiki Barber?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, I first saw this in high school… after I bought the Tubular Bells album. We did some acid and smoke copious joints before going.

I am pretty sure I have not laughed so hard at a movie before or since. If I see it on TV I still snicker. The spitting of pea soup and the “Jesus sucks cocks in hell!!” line were high laughter points.

Did anybody else have this reaction?

http://33.media.tumblr.com/54a730e48d899acb8f045e14d1edfcbd/tumblr_ncbf1ad1Aa1rxam8fo3_500.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Exorcist.

*GOP hopeful Bobby Jindal claims to have witnessed one in college…. he’s a Rhodes Scholar.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

WOO HOO AUTUMN REESER JUST LIKED SOMETHING I POSTED ON FACEBOOK!

/it’s the little things.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Quit posting you underwear covered cock on Facebook; OSZ mom REALLY likes that.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/86322c31a857aa16a001d5005bf1cfc1/tumblr_n5xg9mdk3P1qhnggmo1_500.gif

King Hippo

OSZ – how many times can one safely refresh this thread before it turns one gay?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Old School Zero

Ask yourself this: did I have to take the dick out of my mouth to type this? If not, then yes, you’re gay, and awesome at blow jobs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did it make a pop sound?

“If you were getting a “massage”, buying meth you “never used” you can be a totes bottom and not be gay.”

-Ted Haggard

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6bcvgUPaz1qfr6udo2_400.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry I was late on that…. got distracted…. or this distracted me.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/3b5970c13b7692ce87619e91c8fdb38d/tumblr_n9d1gswtLS1thil9to1_1280.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Natasha….

Cat People (Could be any of the cat teams really, but the actual animal is a Jag.)

http://40.media.tumblr.com/072bea40583140ce85b2bcb1c7a14936/tumblr_mwc63wr0Sm1smg2sgo1_1280.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

the other North Cakalaky guy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Warthog

You rang?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I needed to use the……… Dolphin Phone (TM) picture.

Warthog

I’d love to see them installed on the sidelines. “You’re needed on the dolphone, STAT!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fuck; I’m goin’ full sound track!!

DAMN THE TORPEDOES; BALLS DEEP!!

*No offense Balls.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SapClGprE2A

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I just didn’t want imply that you would get suffocated or just bang against an asshole while others had their fun.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/c60fce22b74c048fa2be08dfcccc9285/tumblr_nrjgky3AfO1qaiafbo1_400.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Too risque? Do you want to keep this a family place. Would be OK un the “old” SF “rules”, but boarders. Nippies still “covered.”

http://lekrayfigment.tumblr.com/image/124614394112

Beautiful shot nonetheless.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Interesting live version….. BASS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_XX4q45FR8

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I know, a “remix”, but I like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ4lFD6lhjs

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

I would love to defy the laws of space and time and see these guys (or better yet, Joy Division first, then New Order later) in their “Madchester” heydey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Balletboxing never caught on.

King Hippo

Wear nothing, use talcum powder after your morning shower and they don’t stick or chafe. Liberation for the masses!!!

/keep underwear in your car and/or briefcase/backpack to avoid an awkward moment at your physical exam, particularly if’n your doctor is a woman

King Hippo

not if you are judicious about it and your pants ain’t too fancy. certainly no problem with jeans and your standard “wrinkle free” work slacks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Our school system has gone downhill; they don’t even HAVE cameltoe class any more.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/4412bbc6befc6fb9ab02749c682f71b8/tumblr_nrwz1wpUg51qf6jy9o1_1280.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t know if I can order something called “Enlarge It” without further cratering my self esteem.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It has been a while, but here is This Week in “Nice Fucking Raincoat.”

http://40.media.tumblr.com/291567a5ac02b3d0c88faa7e504b7daa/tumblr_nbqwe7Fls11rc55rmo1_500.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

The Canada is only down 7 against Brazil in the gold medal basketball game.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is by far the greatest example of “playing it straight” in our site’s short history.

As far as my own opinion, underwear is strictly a weekday thing, in which case it’s boxer briefs.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Stalker.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it really? Maybe we should plan a factory tour when we do the pub crawl.

Covalent Blonde

It will be when I kick the door in!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

For my comfort; boxer-briefs are far superior to anything. Unfortunately I don’t look like any of these dudes in mine.

#noshidmarks

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4limeOyij1qcay1ao1_400.gif

Cuntler

I am very confused as to what I just read.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We have just confirmed Cuntler is going commando at this moment, people.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/f51941d097664c2f19a0530ee9c0d157/tumblr_nie6t0lQoS1r4pu8bo2_r1_400.gif

Old School Zero

Holy shit.

I need to go underwear shopping soon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Careful; I’ve been kicked out of like four Victoria Secrets so far.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/56f4e019af5b8a821209dff68e2d56ee/tumblr_nqntmtdgAc1urbx0po1_400.gif

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I remember having a very good time when myself and a couple of friends went out shopping for a bra to hang from our Christmas wreath one year. I do not know why we thought to do this, but the sales girls were enthralled by the idea and were incredibly helpful.