Golf Ball Sized Hail to the 2015 Redskins

Doktor Zymm

Doktor Zymm

An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***.

*Forward only, at a preset rate
**Via her hands, usually
***When the water is contained in a glass

Doktor Zymm

Ahh, the late off-season.  Every Redskin fan’s favorite part of the year.  Smell the baseless optimism!  Wallow in the unrealistic expectations!  Look at that softball schedule, 11-5, minimum, we say!

Surely this will be the year…RG3 will spring forth from Dan Snyder’s forehead, in full uniform, a veritable QB god of intelligence and wisdom, well versed in playing from the pocket, as well as remaining uninjured when scrambling.  Brandon Scherff will provide a long term solution at right tackle, and Trent Williams will be healthy and have a pro-bowl year at left.  This glorious O-line will lead to a resurgence of the Hogs nickname and allow both the pass game and the run game to dominate!  On the other side of the ball, the pass rush leads the league, and second year OLB Trent Murphy ends up making an Eastern Motors commercial with Trent Williams.  Did I say 11-5?  MINIMUM!  We’re just getting started!

Dan Snyder will sue the company Snyder’s of Hanover over improper use of his name. In a surprise decision the court awards ownership of the Redskins to the snack food giant.  The secondary, inspired by free pretzels in the locker room, really comes together in the second half of the season.  Duke Ihenacho has a career season, leading to some sort of pretzel/nacho promotional food item that takes the US by storm.
This is what I dream will replace Dan Snyder
Jay Gruden will turn into the second coming of Joe Gibbs (not like the actual second coming of Joe Gibbs, which we don’t talk about).  All the mid-round draft picks turn out to be pure gold, which means the team has solved the draft and will be dominant for years to come.  All opponents forfeit, and the Redskins are named Super Bowl champions for the next five years.  To celebrate, Congress passes a law officially changing the definition of the word “Redskin” to refer only to the team, totally making it inoffensive to all.  That’s how that works, right?
Ok.  And now for the preview for anyone who lives outside the DC area and hasn’t drank the Chris Cooley-aid.  (Full disclosure, I do own a Chris Cooley jersey, but I bought it when it was on clearance and I only wore it 3 times.)  So, the people who are paid to have opinions on this sort of thing all agree that the Skins have had a good off-season.  This is mainly due to hiring a GM to run the draft and generally spreading responsibility around a bit more in the front office.  There haven’t really been any flashy roster moves, just some low key efforts to shore up areas of need.  Not too hard to do on a 4-12 team.  I could go into detail about promising draft picks (Jamison Crowder might turn out to be the first competent punt returner the Skins have had in a while, though there’s a shadow in the form of domestic abuse allegations) and improvements in the secondary, but those aren’t going to be the dominant factors in the team’s performance this year.  The team’s record is going to come down to two things : coaching and RG3.
I’m not going to waste a lot of words on Jay Gruden.  I don’t think he was prepared to work for Dan Snyder and that contributed a lot to last year’s shart of a season.  As far as his overall viability as an NFL coach, who knows?  I don’t think we’ll find out this year, or the next, if he lasts that long.
Not Pictured : Jay Gruden
So the most interesting question.  RG3.  The Skins actually have a pretty decent collection of receivers, and Alfred Morris now heads up a pretty good set of RBs as well.  However, receivers need someone to throw to them, and the running game is much more successful when defenders have to contend with the possibility of a QB rush.  At this point, there are huge doubts about Griffin’s ability to get anything done, and many a hastily bought pair of super-hero knee socks has been shoved to the back of the dresser.  These doubts are fair.  Between injuries and politics, Mr. Bobbie G the Third might as well have been playing baseball these last two seasons.  Clearly the best way to develop your young QB is to sit him at the end of the season, so he’ll be healthy in the off season, right?  Franchise QB for the Skins is essentially a Faustian bargain.  You get one good year, but you pledge your soul to Lil’ Danny Boy, and it’s all downhill from there.  Just ask Jason Campbell.
Fun game, match the knee MRI to the Redskins QB!
I think RG3 will stay healthy this year, mostly through lack-luster play calling combined with the desire to play just well enough to get traded.  There are a lot of losing teams in the first half of the schedule, but those teams are probably just as happy to be playing the Skins as the Skins are to be playing them.  The first couple games will probably be close losses, with the team’s first win coming in an ugly Thursday division game against the Giants.    A loss to the Eagles, then they’ll win 2 out of 3 going into their bye week.  They’ll only pick up a couple more wins entering the harder part of their schedule.  They’ve played weirdly well against the Bears in the past few years, so I’ll say they win that one (plus I plan on going to that game, and yelling a lot, that’ll probably help), and win against the Cowboys at home because I’ll pretend that happens no matter how that game actually turns out.  Just say everyone who predicted an 11-5 season for the Skins is dyslexic and call it 5-11.
Really, the best thing the team has going for them this year is schedule related.  Since the league started back-loading division games in 2009, either the Cowboys or whoever plays the Cowboys in week 17 has won the division.  The Skins play the Cowboys in week 17 this season….So guess I just predicted that Dallas wins the NFC East this year.  Damn.  I’m gonna go mix together some Burgundy and Goldschlager and pretend that color themed drinking will somehow improve the team’s chances.

 

Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm
An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***. *Forward only, at a preset rate **Via her hands, usually ***When the water is contained in a glass
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pickettschargekskSpanky DatassfmwarnersunrisesunriseKing Hippo Recent comment authors
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pickettschargeksk

Coming late to this party, I judge this preview excellent and the greater DC area as it presently stands a hellspawn fever swamp that should never have been settled and should be abandoned in favor of giving it back to the mosquitos if they’re fool enough to fucking take it. Christ, it’s hot.

To return to the matter at hand, it’s a sorry thing when Snyder’s minions aren’t the absolute front-runner for the most embarrassing enterprise in the DC area, and yet here they are, in a photo-finish with WMATA. Not even the best at being the worst.

WhyEaglesWhy

Great preview! It mostly makes me want to eat pretzel nachos.

WCS

Splendid work, Doktor.

I spent five days last week in DC. Because I’m a masochist, I like to listen to local radio whenever I’m in a city or locale I don’t visit often. HOLE EEE SHIT.

I realize it’s the “late off-season” as Sie Doktor pointed out, but, are DC sports talk mongoloids aware that the Nationals are actually pretty good? In fact, they’re leading their division! They played a four-game set against Pittsburgh, another pretty good team, in a very exciting series!

There was nothing, NOTHING but SKINS COOCH SKINS SOOPER SUNDEE FER SOORE DIS YEER COOCH! Originally, I thought maybe this is just an all-Skins show, but, it persisted for HOURS. Again, the Nats are playing well! The Capitals made a trade while were there! Something something Wizards, I guess. Nothing but Snyder Talk. While we were there, BDD’s Your Team Sucks just happened to cover Washington. The people who live in the DC metro area have to put up with this inanity EVERY DAY?!? HOW HAVE YOU PEOPLE EITHER NOT COMMITTED MASS, RITUALISTIC SUICIDE?!? Or, at the very least, surrounding FedEx Field with torches and pitchforks, and lynched ol’ Danny Boy yet?

I’ve heard some fuck-awful, mind-boggingly stupid, hey-maybe-an-alien-invasion-wouldn’t-be-so-bad-after-all things on the radio. I’ve lived in Philadelphia, and currently in Pittsburgh. But, wow, does D̶C̶ [*Redacteds] radio set a new standard of shitacular.

God bless you slapdicks and ladies of the kommentariat and son-of-kommentariat that have to live and work in that environment. I’ve always wanted to spend a few years in the metro area. Now, not so sure…

King Hippo

Dude, I did 18 months, BEFORE satellite radio.

I had always hated the [*Redacteds] for being on TV in the Charlotte market in my youth, despite being boring as fuck and 7+ hours away. But my Dad liked them, so I didn’t hate with the kind of vengeance I would reserve for the Yankees, Notre Dame, etc.

Needless to say, my time in NoVa was eye-opening. And ear-splitting. One might say soul-crushing. Nah, I have no fucking soul.

Sep

Great post BTW, Dok. Our ranks are swelling!

makeitsnowondem

And our swellings are rank!

Seriously, we should get those looked at.

Sep

Speaking of swelling

/pulls off turtleneck to reveal Goiter

Does this look, ya know, normal?

King Hippo

Like my Dad always said, you can’t have something if you don’t go the doctor and get diagnosed!

He’s dead, why do you ask??

Old School Zero

If I were you, I’d name it “Dan Snyder” and be good to go.

WCS

Frank Beamer would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Sep

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my short time on this planet, it’s that Sports Bars (which I hate) that have themed foods (which I also hate) never ends well for me.

Adidas Snacker? Jesus Christ, I’m surprised they didn’t offer Korn as a topping.

scotchnaut

[scans menu]

[scans Washington roster]

“There’s nothing here that is even remotely good or appetizing!”

makeitsnowondem

DON’T DO YOUR JOB’S, YOUR CREDIT

vincentadultmanboobs
vincentadultmanboobs

This was good but its missing the part where Kirk Cousins wins one game and the fans begin clamoring that the teams needs to trade him now for multiple first and second round picks.

laserguru

This is excellent. Especially the prognosis.

Cuntler

I love how us Bears fans see that as an easy win, too. Cheers to the bottom of the barrel!

Horatio Cornblower

I am really enjoying these so far. The line about the real second coming of Joe Gibbs being something Skins fans don’t talk about was fantastic.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That menu has a $5 Shannahan Slammer on it.
I just… SOMEONE WROTE THAT.

Horatio Cornblower

I really like the RGIII sammich but it always falls apart when you try to finish it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Don’t forget the Felching Fletcher!

King Hippo

Heh, I’m not the only one who immediately read all that as “felching” eh?

Also, what is blacked out on teh menu?

Good work, Doktor. May Jeebus get you through another season of the White Man’s pain and misery.

Warthog

A horrible use of London Broil.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Somehow the Kissing Cousins shooter is the less unsettling one…

sunrisesunrise

And they spelled Shanahan incorrectly. Some fans they are.

Old School Zero
Old School Zero

Unrelated, but the gimlet is truly the best of the summer cocktails.

Sep

So so true.

King Hippo

the mango daquiri (when teh mangoes be fresh) begs to differ

Sep

Daquiris are for ME FIRST GLOREEE BOYS that can’t handle the taste of evergreen trees.

Yeah, I said it!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Please refer to my upcoming longform piece “The Dark and Stormy: God’s Only Begotten Mixed Drink”

ballsofsteelandfury

Please make a post out of that. This needs to happen.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I consumed MANY Dark and Stormies last weekend and will probably mix a few tonight … I may have a problem. But I look froward to your recipe(s)!

WhyEaglesWhy

Actually, I nominate my own creation, the Bitter Flower:

3 parts Campari
2 parts St. Germain
fill with club soda and garnish with orange.

ballsofsteelandfury
ballsofsteelandfury

I bet that RGIII Sandwich goes down easy!

/sorry
//not sorry

Old School Zero
Old School Zero

Fantastic. I appreciate the dissonance between those within the propaganda zone and those without. Someday, Snyder's going to figure out that his twin brother runs North Korea and make a visit.

ballsofsteelandfury
ballsofsteelandfury

Excellent writeup!

Is it wrong that I saw the pretzel picture and the first thought was, "How the hell did Zymm find a picture of pretzels with jizz on them?"

King Hippo

somebody’s too fancy for FREE porn sites, I guess ,, smgdh

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Now THOSE pretzels are making me thirsty!

Covalent Blonde
Covalent Blonde

It feels as refreshing and new to see someone wax poetically about RG3 as it is to see your words, Doktor Zymm!