So, we dropped the ball on the Buffalo Bills, but they still deserve (I suppose) to have their fat roasted a bit. They have Sexy Rexy, Shady “No Dudes Allowed” McCoy, the hilarious Doug Marrone situation, the potential for MATT CASSEL to throw footballs, and Sammy Watkins’ sadness over the aforementioned CASSELING his fantasy stats will take. Let’s knock ’em out in order so we can get on to the drinking.

SEXY REXY

Hoo, boy.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, excites a fan base like Rex Motherfuckin’ Ryan.  Much like the Rock is “Franchise Viagra”, Rex Ryan is “Fanbase Viagra”.  Fans in Buffalo haven’t been this excited since that one day that it didn’t snow, in 1984.  Rex immediately makes your team more fun, and the fact that he gets to play the Jets twice this season, along with the Patriots, means that we’ve effectively DOUBLED his enemy-making potential.  It’s going to be AWESOME to watch him run his mouth this season.

Shady “No Dudes Allowed” McCoy

LeSean comes into town after being run out of Philly by Rob Ford impersonator Chip Kelley.  Chip decided that a guy that scored roughly a kazillion touchdowns the year before and singlehandedly won nearly every fantasy league should be replaced by a guy who has spent one year healthy.  EVER.  Anyhoo, Philly’s odd loss is Buffalo’s gain.  With the exception of Fred Jackson, otherwise known as “The Vulture” by me for the years and years he stole TD’s from CJ Spiller who WOULD BE AWESOME IF THEY GAVE HIM CARRIES, Buffalo had nothing at running back.  Shady gives them a pro bowler who knows the value of a penis-less party.  He also is VERY fiscally responsible, particularly when it comes to reimbursing wait staff.

the hilarious Doug Marrone situation

Doug Marrone somehow believed that getting to 9-7 with EJ Manuel and…Ryan Fitzpatrick?  No Kyle Orton!  Was that it?  Who cares.  He thought that getting to 9-7 with this cast of characters meant he could get a job outside of the frigid hellscape of Buffalo.  Unfortunately, he turned out to be a dillhole, and ended up in Jacksonville as the offensive line coach.  Technically, he was correct that he could escape Buffalo.  He just was wrong in every other way that’s important.  It was HILARIOUS.

the potential for MATT CASSEL to throw footballs

Holy cow, you guys.  Matt Cassel may start here.  As anyone who has ever watched a football game involving Matt Cassel will tell you, Matt Cassel is terrible.  Somehow, he is both boring and awful.  It’s not the fun kind of terrible, like Jay Cutler or Geno Smith.  He’s not accurate, has a weak arm, and is prone to staring down receivers.  He is death by a thousand cuts for his team.  He seems like a nice guy, though.

Sammy Watkins’ sadness over the aforementioned CASSELING his fantasy stats will take

I can’t imagine anything in the previous paragraph makes Sammy Watkins not tear up a bit.

Anyhoo, the Bills have a lot of good players, and no quarterbacks.  Sounds like a recipe for getting handed the big trophy by the Ginger Hammer, right?  Expect them to start 2-0 with an upset over the Patriots, even if they don’t play them, and then on to 6-10!