An Englishman Writes…

As an English NFL fan I don’t really get a chance to interact with other fans in my daily life. Sites like this are pretty much my only outlet for my own insane ramblings and thoughts regarding the NFL, American culture, and in all honesty pretty much everything because nobody ever listens to me.

Now, incredibly, I have been allowed to spew my inner dialogue all over these fine pages by people who are probably far too trusting. How soon they may regret that decision…

But to business! I intend, whenever I get the chance, to provide quickfire opinions on the NFL (and anything else that may take my fancy. Usually food), hopefully to provoke debate and the obligatory dick jokes and GIF’s. You may agree, you may hate my guts, you may think ‘who is this guy and why am I reading his worthless opinions?’. I probably don’t care. I really just want to do my bit to keep the spirit of KSK alive. So onwards with my first foray into this new fangled ‘blogging’.

– The Hall of Fame game: why do I always get excited about this? Flicking onto NFL.com instantly provides the inevitable articles such as’ what did we learn from this game?’ etc. Nothing. We learnt nothing, because there was nothing worth learning that we didn’t already know. Did you know Mike Wallace can still only run in straight lines no matter what colour jersey he wears?

– Also some breaking news: The Bills QB battle is the equivalent of a ‘Who has the Least Debilitating Skin Condition’ competition (mark my words this will be picked up by a network any day). Other breaking news: Earth still orbits the sun; Bears still defecate in the woods; Darren McFadden is injured.

– Cam Newton got into a fight at training camp: I am officially sounding a Red Alert for incoming Hot Taeks.

– Shaun Suisham has apparently torn his ACL and is out for the year. Looks like the Steelers are in need of a kicker who inexplicably misses important kicks at the worst times. May I suggest David Akers, a trade for Mason Crosby, or perhaps even a return to the NFL for Nate Kaeding?

– Looking ahead in Fantasy, who is your ‘guaranteed high pick who will be a bust and make you want to smother him in fire ants’ player? Mine is Demarco Murray. I am fairly certain that I will draft Murray 3rd overall only for him to go back to his glory days of breaking 36 bones by week 3.

– I am attending all 3 games at Wembley this year and have always enjoyed it. It also points to the endless futility of the Jaguars that despite them having signed up to play games here for the next few years, their game is still the only game to not yet sell out. Nobody here wants the Jags. Please, keep them.

– Jesus Christ the pre-season is boring.

My Ideas for New DFO features (possibly Plagiarized)

Larks with Peter King – A weekly look at Peter King’s most recent self satisfied brain fart.

This week in Screw You – A topic gets screwed. Hard.

Fans react pretty damn unreasonably – Mining for Taeks in the moron mines.

DFO’s Last 7 days in Review – A look back at the most important news of the week. I mean last 7 days.

The Fuck Uproxx Column – Essentially the 2 minutes hate from 1984. (and I’m actually serious about this one).

Finally, a non-NFL thought. One thing that has baffled me for many years now is the existence of a certain Clan Kardashian. Possibly my least favourite American import of all time, which meant that this video made me smile, or at least on the inside because I am no longer capable of being outwardly happy. Enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=75&v=T1fuoOH7Dw8

I hope you enjoyed your first (maybe) venture into what the mind of a dangerous lunatic feels like. I’m hoping to create some more content for this blog of heroes so look out, unless you are all so mean to me that you hurt my feelings.