INTERIOR:  Steelers Locker Room, post-practice, Tuesday, August 25, 2015

BEN: GREAT PRACTICE GUYS!  WE REALLY LOOKING GOOD OUT THERE!  THE BEN GONE HAVE A CHOCOTACO TO CELEBRATE!

/Mike Tomlin walks over to Ben

MT:  Ben,  I think you’ve met him before, but I want to take you over here to formally introduce you to our new backup QB, Mike Vick.  Obviously, we want to integrate him into our team as quickly as possible.  Obviously, his play has to be above the line.  I need you to help him out and take him under your wing.

BEN: COACH!  BUT THE BEN CAN’T FLY!  NO WINGS!

MT:  Obviously, that’s not what I meant.  Just make sure he knows all about playing The Steeler Way.  Here he is now.  Mike, here’s Ben. I know you two have a lot to talk about.  I’ll leave you to it.

MV:  Hi Ben!  Good to see you again.  I’m happy to be on the team!

BEN: AWW, WHAT A CUTE PUPPY!  WHOSE A GOOD BOY??  HI BOY!  WHAT’S HIS NAME?

MV:  I don’t really have a name for him yet.  I just picked him up from the rescue center.  I’m doing my best to put my past behind me and be a better person.

BEN:  PAST?!?  HUH?

MV:  Well, I’m sure you heard about my legal troubles, didn’t you?

BEN:  LEGAL? THE BEN REMEMBERS HAVING TO HIRE LAW GUY BECUZ OF BAD WOMEN.  BAD BAD WOMEN!  THE BEN SORRY YOU HAD THAT HAPPEN.  WHAT DID THEY SAY YOU DO?

MV:  Ben, it’s not so much what they said.  I was convicted and went to jail.

BEN:  REALLY?!?  FOR WHAT??

MV:  I was fighting dogs.

BEN: THE BEN DON’T UNDERSTAND.  THE BEN DONATE DOGS TO POLICE MEN ALL TIME SO THEY FIGHT BAD GUYS!

MV:  I was fighting dogs against dogs.

BEN:  DOGS ARE CRIMINALS TOO?!?!  BAD DOGGIES!!

MV:  That’s not… Never mind.  Say, isn’t it cool that we both have worn the number 7 in the pros? It’s even part of my Twitter handle!

BEN:  THE BEN LIKE JOHN ELWAY!  HE THE BEN’S IDOL!

MV: Yeah, I get that.  So, listen.  I’ve got a clothing line and other assorted side business that I’m trying to set up so I can be ok once football ends.

BEN:  FOOTBAW NEVER END FOR THE BEN!  THE BEN PLAY FOREVER!

MV:  Sure, Ben, sure.  So, I was wondering.  Do you think you might let me have the number?

BEN:  BUT THE BEN LIKE 7!

MV: I know, but it would mean a lot.  Like I said, I’m trying to rebuild my life and pay my debts.

BEN: SORRY NEW MIKE.  NO.

MV: What if I could sweeten the pot, so to speak?

BEN: NO MEANS NO!

MV:  You sure?

BEN:  YOU GONE TO GIVE THE BEN LETTUCE?

MV:  No, Ben, it’s not lettuce. It’s pot.

BEN:  POT?!?  WHERE IS PLANT?

MV: Jesus!  No Ben, not that kind of pot.  Marijuana.  You know?  You smoke it and feel good if you’re hurt?

BEN: BEN LIKE TO FEEL GOOD IN OWIE SPOTS!  I DUNNO.  MY POLICE FRIEND SAYS MAGIHANA BAD.

MV:  It’s good.  I’ve only got the best too.

BEN:  NO!  GET AWAY FROM THE BEN BAD MIKE!

/Ben runs away

MV:  Shit!  What the fuck am I going to do now?