Holy Bananacakes, Batman! That was (mostly) fun, eh?
I say mostly because I swept my early afternoon #HAILGAMBLOR, with dominating $50 ATS wins by the P*ts (boo) and the Bearistocrats! (yay-ish), along with a thrilling $60 ML win by the Pylons that be Striped. But I also learned what it felt like to score 200 fantasy points for the first time and fucking lose, and also suffer a bad beat on a clever (if ah may say so myself) $40 ML bet on the Tomsulas, spoiling a perfecto.
Alas, at least I didn’t bet on #ThePauls, thanks to a last minute “walk away” hunch. Christ, I would have been on tilt for YEARS. Yes, that franchise is cursed, and cursed forever. Somehow, a very inconclusive (if not conclusive in favour of “call upheld”) spot is overturned, and a kneel-down situation turns into a punt with 8-point lead. But the Raiders have 90 seconds and no timeouts? It matters not. Nor does it matter when pre-Vegas misses a FG to start OT. BelieveLand gets fucked again when the refs let themselves get talked into picking up a personal foul flag (that would have given #ThePauls a first down at the Raiders 40), they fail to convert the 3rd and 5 and never see the ball again. 45-42 loss. Unreal.
We came much, much closer to draws in Tennessee and Indy. The Iggles built a 17-3 lead, fucked it all away, then twice gagged in OT when they seemed to have a 23-20 win salted away. It looked like Los Titanicos would settle for a 49-yarder and likely draw, but they changed their mind and went for 4th and 2, converting thanks to a blatantly uncalled block in the back. 4 plays or so later, Mariota found Corey Davis for the winning TD before having to settle for the sure draw (it was a 3rd down play, no timeouts left, play started with 17 ticks left). Had the prior play not ended with a drop, TN would have had to spike the ball and kick. Life is funny sometimes.
Speaking of funny, HODOR led his Humps back from the complete 28-10 ded, with both sides trading FGs in OT to make things 34-apiece. After feinting a 4th down play (blatant attempt to draw the 500s offside on 4th and 4 from the Hump 41), Indy shocked the world by going for it FOR REALS (there were maybe 35-40 seconds remaining), failing, and giving Yoouuuuuston the easy win after one pitch and catch to Hopkins. I guess The Shield sent out a very strongly worded memo about avoiding draws?
Back to the P*ts. Yeah, they’re not quite ded yet, or just the LOLfins are who we thought they were. Sony Michel also looked pretty good. Jew-kah comes back next week (TNF!), in time to face the 0-4 Humps. PeyPey ain’t walking through that door to save us, y’all.
Back to the Kisser of Titties…yeah, he forced it up and down the field against Team MRSA’s consent all day. It would almost make one feel sorry for a non-Rapey Jameis side. Speaking of – he played, in garbage time, and not well. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Chi**** is legit, and ah stand by Most Glorious Prophecy.
King Laserface got lucky as fuck to squeak by CJ Cregg and her walking wounded compatriots, and he fucking knows it. That fixture was nothing but fluky bullshit. I thought Baby Shanny was gonna go all Strokey Kubes on the touchline (JV Lesser Footy pitch joke).
Earl Thomas broke his leg in a nigh-equally lucky win over the clearly (somehow) superior Birdcano. Le’Veon Bell is 100% correct, and all the company men on NBC especially can break their necks sucking their own cocks for all Hippo cares.
Lightning did not strike twice for the Buffalo Bills and Brokeback QB. You see, he’s from Wyoming and a raging asshole/homophobe, and would really fucking hate this association – so I’mma use the fuck out of it. He does this thing where he keeps running backwards when the play blows up, which should lead to much future hilarity. And just throws the ball straight up into the air sometimes. They could have played 4 halves, the goose egg would have remained. And Cap’n BlueBunny STILL would have A.A. Ron taking hits up 3 scores, because he has shit for brains.
Cincinnati is a legitimately good footballing squadron, and a lesser side would have laid down and died today. Perhaps Marvin Lewis isn’t quite as bad as we make him out to be. OK, we have always really just made him out to be the equivalent of human limbo. Which is fair, and maybe he deserves a nice year, when the Stillers are kind of poopy.
Atlanta’s loss opened the door for the Saints, who tightened up considerably on defense and committed to the run in the Meadowlands. This worked to great effect, and my fantasy defeat (that Bitchin’ Kamara). Elisha is a problem that needs dealing with immediately, Los Gigantes. Put in the other shithead, see if he has anything at all. If not, you just lose 12 games and get in position to draft NC State’s Ryan Finley. Win-win.
Dallas did a good? OK, Zeke did a good. And really, it was mostly a matter of playing the Cuck Liouns coming off their one good moment of the season. Had they been playing anyone other than Dallas, I’d have bet this game.
As noted in the Live Blog, are Even Week Jaguras becoming a thing? It is an Even Year. Somebody may want to give the Jest the number of the truck that just flattened them, anyhow.
I didn’t watch any of the Bruise Rivalry Match, though I heard the first quarter-plus on the radio, and it pissed me off (and confirmed my fantasy loss thanks to all the goddamned FlaccoPOINTS). Jason Taylor actually has decent things to say as a colour man, but speaks as if he has a mouth full of marbles. Anyway, I hate these sides and don’t care who wins. Unless Flacco dies, then go Yinzburgh.