Dateline: August 26th, 2015
Hello once again, dear readers, and welcome to that most exciting time of the summer: the end of the offseason! We are but tens of days away from kicking the 2015 season off, and much like my Bouncy Blonde Bombshell after one of my patented rub-a-dub-and-dab in the tub, I’m ready to Get! It! On!
While my loyal Winstonians may be overwhelmed with the massive amount of information out there during this time of previews, prognostications, and pandering to the proletariat, there’s no way I can let the season begin without making sure to educate my undoubtably erudite readership on the most important players of the coming season–I speak of course of the Center.
These unsung heroes are the only thing my fellow beat reporters ever talk about. They represent the roughest, toughest, grittiest, hard-nosed, made-of-tempered-steel, and downright scariest sons of buns in the game today. Other previews may show you on those flash-in-the-pan players that may score the points during the game, but those of us in the know will tell you that no points would ever be scored without the center there, stout and hale and well-endowed, to snap the ball.
Without further ado, here are your 2015 Gridiron Gladiators:
Bears – Will Montgomery
A serviceable journeyman who can steak and potato his way comfortably into any offensive line out there and be welcomed. A quick first step shows strong initiative, and appears to invest in all phases, which is a plus in the Chicago system. Is up to date on all necessary preventative medicines.
Bengals – Russell Bodine
Gave up the most sacks of the line last year, and often needs help when run blocking. Has great flexibility, good motor, and an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the original Japanese Iron Chef television show. Strong football smarts as demonstrated by scheduling his family vacation in mid-January already.
Bills – Eric Wood
Probably the first or second best player on Buffalo’s line, Bob Ross’ youngest illegitimate son is due for a breakout year under the motivational influence of Rex Ryan. Camp rumors already say he is winning the head coach’s favor by dominating the Buffalo-wing eating contests.
Broncos – Matt Paradis
Despite a clear lifelong learning disability, this genial and warm individual has proven his worth in his second year and is now the cheerful and capable face Peyton Manning looks to to find security in during his waning years as the Broncos quarterback.
Browns – Alex Mack
A classic multitasker, Mack balances the responsibilities of keeping Johnny Manziel upright and functioning during times of crisis and pressure, and also plays center for the Browns.
Buccaneers – Evan Dietrich-Smith
A classic run-blocking center, he’s agile and instinctive with a smart situational awareness, which are extremely necessary talents for when Jameis Winston approaches you from behind.
Cardinals – AQ Shipley
Let me tell you, anyone who goes by AQ is a tough son of a bitch. While he may look it, he’s not actually bald, he’s just naturally developed a literal tough hide over the years. Also, his knees are healthy enough the training staff have procedures in place to move them into Carson Palmer at a moment’s notice.
Chargers – Chris Watt
He’s showed quite a bit of improvement since last year, and has earned Philip Rivers trust by rite of being from Notre Dame, so they both know that any QB-Center butt stuff is totally heteronormative and nothing to discuss later.
Chiefs – Mitch Morse
Well-known for his smarts, Morse has worked hard at reigning in his instincts and not shuddering when a pair of tiny hands touch him between his thighs.
Colts – Khaled Holmes
He has a lot to smile about being part of the Colts offense, and the fact that his quarterback, in an effort to bond with him, built an entire barn from scratch right behind his house. The word from the local Colts beat reporters is that he even seems to understand Luck’s one-word huddle instructions.
Cowboys – Travis Frederick
As part of one of the best lines in football in 2014, Frederick showed phenomenal skill, power, and tenacity and is already forecasted to have an even better year in 2015. As Kevin Owens, he dominated NXT and even got some of the best matches of the year out of John Cena, and is due for a championship run.
Dolphins – Mike Pouncey
After having to bounce back from the 2013 bullying scandal, Pouncey kept his head down and his nose to the grindstone in 2014. He is also helped by playing on the Dolphins, so very few people are at risk to notice him anyway.
Eagles – Jason Kelce
Hailing from Parts Unknown, this possible Oak Ridge Boys groupie accident was the anchor of the offensive line responsible for implementing Chip Kelly’s world domination plan. Having now given up riding the rails and spreading his tales at the hobo campgrounds, he’s due for another excellent year until his mall Santa duties interfere.
Falcons – Joe Hawley
I have to admit I didn’t scout the Falcons. Every time I try to do some film study on their offense, I just fall right asleep. I sleep like a baby, too. I’m sure this guy is a great talent and all, but if any of my readers suffer from insomnia, let me tell you, I have the cure.
Giants – Weston Richburg
Richburg shows tremendous discipline and strength in all phases of the game, whether it be limiting Eli to one juice box, or not putting in a R-rated movie, or making sure Eli is tucked in at the correct time. Tom Coughlin is so pleased with his progression as a baby-center that he slips him an extra ten on the regular.
Jaguars – Luke Bowanko
Here’s one to keep your eye on–not only was he one of the more physical linemen on the Jaguars last year, he’s also maintained a strong psyche in the face of the realization that the hands against his jock belong to Blake Bortles. This accomplishment should not be undervalued as much as it is.
Jets – Nick Mangold
The heart of the Jets team at this point, he has survived not only grueling seasons in the Jersey trenches, but has also become a decorated Olympic power lifter in his offseasons. Now that’s a story!
Lions – Travis Swanson
A former eyebrow model, Swanson has proven himself to his quarterback through a variety of initiation ceremonies, and once accidentally purchased an entire Detroit neighborhood after Stafford ‘iced’ him one too many times.
New England – Bryan Stork
Despite being just a simple caveman, Stork has come to understand the complexities of the game of football through gentle tutoring and the complex use of grunts and grumbles by his coach.
Niners – Joe Looney
A truly multi-talented individual, the comedian formerly known as Reggie Watts won the center job in San Francisco by accident when he put a dollar in Coach Tomulsa’s Cup o’ Noodles cup. He’s shown the same excellent skill in improvisation in football as he did in music when Kaepernick gets his dancing shoes on.
Packers – Corey Linsley
Aaron Rodgers best friend seems to know him like no other. One of the reasons this offense clicks so well is the seemingly telepathic bond that comes from that center-qb connection point. I can’t imagine what would happen to the team should this bond be torn asunder.
Panthers – Ryan Kalil
An important factor to Cam Newton’s success, Kalil has a drive and savage physicality that appears to come naturally to him as he is a well-known cannibal.
Raiders – Rodney Hudson
A new face to the team coming from Kansas City, it’s being reported that despite his size, speed, and smarts, Hudson is being haunted by the ghost of Al Davis incessantly, which may hamper his ability to play effectively on the field over the duration of the season.
Rams – Barrett Jones
As one of the original Goonies, Jones knows adventure and success when the stakes are high, neither of which he can expect as part of the Rams offense. Thanks to his share of One Eyed Willie’s treasure, however, he has the option to retire at any moment, which we expect to happen any day now.
Ravens – Jeremy Zuttah
The subject of that fascinating documentary about facing early hardships before being adopted by Sandra Bernhard, Zuttah has nothing but happy endings coming his way for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, this does not extend to the rest of his team.
Redskins – Kory Lichtensteiger
Originally cast as Buck in Kill Bill, he was subsequently replaced due to being “a little too rapey looking” according to film industry gossip. Rumors persist of his lack of bond–or worse–with at least one of his quarterbacks.
Saints – Max Unger
A new face to New Orleans–and America–after founding The Sovereign Nation of Max Unger in rural Washington state, he splits his time now between protecting Drew Brees and seeing to his Supreme Presidential duties over his independent lands.
Seahawks – Drew Nowak
Once ate fifty eggs in one sitting. I shit you not.
Steelers – Maurkice Pouncey
A hearty and durable cornerstone of the Steelers offense, there’s no way Pouncey could miss any time on injury, he’s so solid and reliable. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of him this season.
Texans – Ben Jones
I’m sure he means well and tries his best, but he’s clearly no JJ Watt, and will no longer be getting any participation trophies like he is used to. Still, at least he’s not expected to protect any actual NFL-caliber quarterback.
Titans – Brian Schwenke
Schwenke? Wait, do you mean to tell me that’s not Jeff Baca? My eyes must be getting old; could have fooled me.
Vikings – John Sullivan
A successful genetic experiment fusing some leftover DNA samples from Brock Lesnar’s tryouts and some surreptitiously acquired hairs from Chris Pratt’s beard, Sullivan is due to make Teddy Bridgewater look good in Norv Turner’s system which, if successful, provides an automatic entry to the NFL Hall of Fame.
There you have it, dear readers! Undoubtedly you are now fully prepared for the season ahead, and make sure to take good ol’ Bud Winston’s best advice: catch all the action you can, but make sure you don’t catch a STD. Get tested and wrap it up–double if you’re east of the Mississippi. Until next time, my loyal Winstonians!