CALLOOH! CALLAY! IT’S GAME DAY! Twas brillig this week wasn’t it? Tell me about it. Anyway, tonight we should see actual starters for a dad gum whole half, maybe. Come the 4th quarter of the third game we usually get “pity play”. Those guys that have little to no chance at making the squad get thrown out there for a series or two as thanks for being human tackling dummies for their far more physically gifted superiors. Don’t forget to bring your playbook the next (first?) time the coach wants to see you.
N.E. at Carolina: Despite what I just said above, Bellichick most likely won’t be playing Gronk or Edelman. There are extenuating circumstances however-Gronk hasn’t finished his drink yet and Edelman is practising sitting out for his inevitable “concussion-like symptoms” that will manifest themselves at some point in the season. Brandon Gibson gave the gift of a torn ACL so that Aaron Dobson could wear a Pats jersey for a wee bit longer. Hey! I’ve got an idea! Let’s watch Reggie Wayne run around and try not to throw up all over himself at the thought of where his life choices have led him! Word is that the stinking Pats have put together a talented and deep defensive line that will wreak havoc this year. That’s just what I wanted to hear…
There’s a big rb battle going on between the likes of Brandon Wegher, Fozzy Whittaker, Cameron Artis-Payne and Jordan Todman. Wegher has scored a td in the pre season and apparently has a nose for the end zone. He’s in the lead right now. It’s Joe Webb time again! With Benjamin gone it becomes absolutely essential that Greg Olsen stay healthy. I’m thinking that Newton and his te do a season-long Chang and Eng impression. Derek Anderson is only 32? I had him at 38 or so. I guess being an almost-was ages people in my mind.
Detroit at Jax: If anyone should get a Chunky Soup spot it should be Stafford, right? Ameer Abdullah, a rook out of Nebraska is impressing everyone to the point that he has inserted himself into a RBBC with Joique Bell. Good for him. Joique is under-rated in my mind. He makes the most of his opportunities when Chunk’s arm needs a rest. Who will fill the enormous void that Dirty Sue left on the Lions line? My guess? No one. I’m also guessing that Mr. Budget, Ryan Broyles gets cut this fall. He’s slower than recovery from major brain surgery. Also, Dan Orlovsky!
I’m curious to see if Bortles comes to realize what a great safety valve new addition Julius Thomas could be. The Jax receiving corps is young and under-valued. Hurns, Robinson, Lee and Blackmon can all do damage so now it’s just a matter of consistency. T.Y. Yeldon gets his first start tonight ’cause Gerhart has a stomach thingy. Them rookie rb’s is all kinds of sexy these days. The O seems to be in a good spot (looks at O-line roster) ahhhhhhhh. There you go.
Tennessee at K.C.: The guy I figger is gonna take Bishop Sankey’s job, David Cobb, is out tonight. Oh well. Sankey runs like a wounded hooker-trust me, I know. So get ready for tons of Antonio Andrews, folks. He was a member of the Brat Pack, wasn’t he? Where, oh where is LenDale White when you need him? Mariota looked okay last week in limited time simply by not being panicky when things didn’t go exactly as planned. That seems to be half the battle as a rook qb. I’m betting McCluster doesn’t make the 53 man roster. Tennessee is high on Dorial Green-Beckham who hasn’t played in two years. He’s been holding his own while playing with the 1’s.
Alex Smith’s fave tune? “Tiny Bubbles”. Go figure. The Chiefs are doing their best to lift the Titans. There are 8 ex-Chiefs on the Titans squad. I’m guessing we’ll see plenty of Chase “King O’ The Pre-Season” Daniels tonight. Charcandrick! Tight end Kelce is supposed to bust open this year as he did well towards the end of the year. I recognize the names Poe, Hali and Berry on the defensive roster and not much else. That doesn’t mean very much yet I thought it was important to mention.
Let’s drink.
Sleep deprivation + Booze + GABA supplement = See you super late tomorrow morning, or possibly early afternoon, SUCKERS.
Oh, I’ll show YOU who can suck!
Sorry, I spelled “SUCKAS” wrong. But still, valid commentisting.
Suck ass? Well, yes, I suppose it is felch o’clock. SOMEONE BRING ME MY CRAZY STRAW!
Where do you stand on loops vs. no loops, re: crazy straw?
I simply am pro-crazy. The crazier the straw, the better, and I don’t care how they make that happen.
Ah, you are a rogue straw designer, too dangerous to court, too edgy to ignore.
I choose to interpret that as pro-loops.
http://cookitallergyfree.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/neonglasses3.jpg
How is it crazy if it doesn’t have loops?
If it doesn’t have loops it’s just a bendy straw.
Escher straw?
I seek the Moebius straw.
Don’t die!
It’s cool, only one of those things has ever killed anyone, and I ain’t butt chuggin.
It feels good now, like with a lot of teams fans I suppose “The team looks good and has a great shot this year….”
But in the back of your mind…..
http://33.media.tumblr.com/2de0978ea0ec50e794a787096364921d/tumblr_ntcjfmUyTc1utnfh9o2_250.gif
*Except for the Jets.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/94d08031a7ca4552711c29416f94fe09/tumblr_ntkakw6GP81u4kolmo8_250.gif
Show me a year the [*Redacted] s haven’t done well in the preseason, and then try to show me while I’m blackout drunk from their regular season performance.
I said A LOT OF TEAMS. Washington is excluded with the Jets, except the fire is even bigger.
I actually did a statistical analysis of pre-season record vs playoff appearances once. No effect. Though I want to redo the analysis looking at preseason shutouts.
How about not texting at all because you’re DRIVING a 3000 lbs. hunk of metal, you entitled assholes?
Or, and I’m just spitballing here, USE THE VOICE-TO-TEXT FUNCTION ON YOUR PHONE.
Then it’s at least somewhat likely that you’ll avoid killing innocent bystanders.
As long as the previous play is the River City Relay.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTGco82JKHo
This should be a reply to Mother Puncher’s question.
Over/Under on Fat Guy TDs this year.
Stafford threw 22 last year. I would guess 20 this year.
That’s good hustle!
A 1-point game! This is so the opposite of exciting!
Over/Under on games lost this year by a missed PAT?
25
I meant for the league. Not just the Lions.
Oh, fuck you Gronk. You’re family like I’m a baseball fan
So you’re only his family if there’s day drinking involved? Legit.
#RiseAndGronk #Party60 #Blizzed
Can you imagine what a horrible little asshole Gronk was at that age?
THEN MAYBE DON’T CLIMB IT JACKASS
Jake Gyllenhaal is in “Everest.” Disappointing. His post-“Nightcrawler” movie choices are not good.
Gonna serve up a super hot taek on assholes who climb things in the Late Night post.
Buckle up.
You mean the assholes who climb it because they can afford to rather than gaining the skills themselves, and leave shit and junk and crap all over the damn mountain?
Even worse.
You say, “What is sexy dumb, JJ Fozz?”
And I say,
Don’t give them your credit card #
http://33.media.tumblr.com/7d83d7312eee90e0764a2ca15fb9060f/tumblr_nt7c2ch0gf1s62fkgo6_400.gif
There are marbles more pointless than this.
Or something.
FYI, DFO Late Night post cumming in less than an hour. Replenish your fluids and try not to pee on the servers.
Gah! All these rules, man!
Wait, do you want us not peeing or cumming?
http://41.media.tumblr.com/f06538ac3cb3ab9ba24aefb0f5ce740d/tumblr_npygyxPwYY1snb6qwo1_1280.jpg
There’s a good biography of Cherie Curry
Foxes!
SOMEONE FETCH ME A DONUT
Lest I forget……
http://40.media.tumblr.com/edef9ec4bf6591ac55f34150276de5dc/tumblr_ntb2zx1iKk1rv91n5o1_1280.jpg
I remember walking into a record store in the mid 90’s and buying a Blondie album. The clerk and I talked about how awesome Debbie Harry was. My friends didn’t get it.
Fuck high school friends.
These games are a learning experience. I haven’t had a learning experience since ages 14-last week
For us it’s a learning experience in terms of good/less good types of alcohol!
Ahoy!
http://cdn29.us1.fansshare.com/images/jordancarver/michael-jordan-carver-gif-1547535828.jpg
http://40.media.tumblr.com/727774f08035fba31ad2036f83cf8359/tumblr_nqd60yshvc1u6xsago1_1280.jpg
She’s got a man face.
I would fuck him.
Shit, I’d Eiffel Tower him.
Um……… OK…………
From the neck up, I’ve been hit on by that guy, long blond hair and all.
Not THAT him.
How was his vagina?
It was an outie.
Sounds like a very nice and pretty boy.
That reminds me
Jags gonna Jag…
http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1308545/hennelol2_medium.gif
Jags + Fumble = Jumble
I play that every day.
Oh sorry, thought you said Jumble.
Wait you did.
Fuuuuuuuck
I never, ever thought I would want to be young. I was wrong. I enjoyed my youth, every second of it. And now, as a middle aged man in a middle aged life, those days appear to me like a vision. One that maybe I can’t ever get back – maybe, let’s be real, never gonna happen – but the fact that they exist, and happened, provides me with a sense of warmth, and accomplishment.
Still, I need more bourbon.
You can never really go back, man!
Bourbon is a solid solution.
I’m getting a second crack at it.
I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Oh be quiet and ogle this nice Sprint commercial girl whose mother you probably went to high school with/
I squandered my youth. I was pretty good at bumming drinks, but I could have bummed way more.
My youth was shit, my middle age is shit.
I peaked at around a C-minus during my junior and senior year of undergrad.
GLORY DAYS!!!!
So, it would totally be a turn on if, during sex, I yelled “HOLDING, 10 INCH PENALTY”
Right?
Depends on the position……..
Valid.
“I don’t always smoke out but when I do, I smoke Blue Dream.”
Jesus, I’m higher than fried fucking chicken.
Who’s excited for North Dakota Stata-Montana tomorrow?
Hootenanny!
Minor League Football is my methadone!
/pours one more Bourbon … maybe two …
SMIRKCEPTION?
“Former starter, high draft pick”
That’s positive. Where is JaMarcus playing backup QB again?
When you drop a can of Miller Lite on the floor, and it starts spinning and fizzing and spraying beer everywhere, all you can do is jump on top of it and yell, FIRE IN THE HOEL
HOLE
I’m pretty sure some Miller Lite would put out any fires in the hole.
I like it better with HOEL.
I flip back to Lions-Jags and I hear talk about something not being the sexiest division. Which makes sense, the Falcons aren’t playing.
I’ll be amazed if I stay awake past 10 pm. So for all of y’all with me,
http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/cute-donkey.jpg
You are much too charitable.
If this is Stafford in game shape, he’s gonna totally blimp out when he retires.
third quarter, I’m IN – and IN for the fucking fourth quarter
where are you, my DFO brethren?
I was just out for a sec, pouring myself some vermouth.
IN for the duration.
Wow Dianne Weist looks like a steaming pile of shit.
Stafford is to fried chicken as Joe Namath is to fur coats.
That’s not true. Joe Namath never ate an entire mink.
Or Andy Reid is to ribs. Or Andy Reid to food in general.
Since we’re currently talking non-pumpkin beer, I don’t have alcohol on me, but when I was upstate I checked out Chatham Brewing. Pretty good all around, liked their Ghent Bent (candied Belgian) and Maple Amber, also tried the porter, pale, and Farmer’s Daughter (American pale).
Options :
1) Open bottle of wine I will not finish without death
2) Not drink any more tonight
3) Go to bar and stop talking to imaginary people on internet
4) Drink good vermouth as it was meant to be drunk : straight
Vermouth. Though if you have oranges, you can toss a wedge in there with some ice cubes, and maybe a splash of fizzy water.
VERMOUTH TO THE HEAD
but i’ve given you bad advice before
You finished the whiskey? I’d say 4.
The first liquor I ever barfed from was vermouth. My Italian grandfather gave me like three glasses around the holidays. And on the way home I barfed all over the street. And my dad was PISSED at his father in law.
And I have never touched vermouth since.
And I miss my grandfather. A lot.
Yeah, y’all know me. This will not be my first night of vermouth drinking. Though I have some fantastic bourbon coming in the mail, so Manhattans live in my future.
FYI: lagunitas “A little sumpin’ extra ale” is really damn good. And at 8.5%abv,a damn good time.
First week of lecture in the books, home slices.
I agree. I was quite impressed with that beer.
MY FELLOW COMMENTISTS! I come before you, tipsy and panstless, to tell you that a draft pour of New Belgium’s La Folie is… PRETTY GOOD! Not sure a bottle is worth the price usually charged, especially if you can get Monk’s Cafe or Duchesse, but it was PRETTY TASTY!
I also picked up bottles of No Lis Crony (NW Brown Ale), Goose Island Sophie, Southern Tier Choklat Oranj, and Wingman Coconut Porter. Will report.
Also, I just tuned into the 3rd quarter of a preseason Lions/Jaguars game to watch Chad Henne play because… FOOTBALL.
Monks has made it all the way to left coast? Good for you Philadelphia!
I’ve found it on tap regularly at one place, and can almost always get it in 12 oz bottles in a few other places. I know of one shop in Santa Cruz that has the larger bottles, too. It’s so damn good.
Before they started distributing, going to Monk’s Cafe was the main point of my Phili visits. Friends and family be relegated to second!
TBH I think La Folie is way better than Duchesse or Monk’s Cafe, and those are also pretty fucking expensive.
It certainly wasn’t out of competition with them. I suppose I’m preferential to being able to get a moderately priced 12 oz bottle that I can drink a whole thing of and feel comfortable, rather than paying more for a larger bottle that I feel forced to drink all of and then feel more tipsy than I’d like to after.
Go Bears?
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5ovscuf981rvojy7o1_500.jpg
Update for those who are awake/sober: I have been accused of:
1 – not listening
2 – not taking care of kids
3 – maybe possibly having an affair (yeah, I have the time)
4 – drinking (i copped to that)
5 – not being communicative (I’m fucked on that one)
I am going out to have a cigar. And not fight.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4p3ff1Gq01qg39ewo1_500.gif
That seems like an argument for child-bearing.
you know those Is Joe Flacco elite designs PFT Commenter does, if I had any photoshop skills I do one for “Is Fozz’s wife going to leave him”.
Enjoy the cigar. But word of advice, if you’re accused of not listening, running out on the conversation is not the way to go if you want to stay in your marriage. If you don’t, just say so and cut all this short. If you do, work out a plan, maybe even put it in writing, and follow it, even if you don’t remember agreeing to it.
Sorry, that’s many words. Not a word. I’m pedantic to myself too!
Thanks for the advice, you definitely know of what you speak. Believe it or not, what you wrote makes sense. I am far from perfect (shocker), and communicating is a challenge – at 46 I can’t figure out why I can’t do that – but writing it down, that makes a great deal of sense (an I’m not being a dick)
Thanks for the advice, doc.
On a serious note, best of luck. She wouldn’t have married you if she didn’t like you. There’s probably work to be done, but not insurmountable. 🙂
You should ask her if she is pms’ing. Totally sounds like she is pms’ing. Tell her she looks bloated, then ask.
Oh that’s your excuse for everything.
/practice your comebacks from this line.
“I can totally make the roster!”
– 7th round draft pick to the Jags
It’s the Jags, so at least it’s a high 7th round pick, so there’s a chance!
Dan Orlovsky, your Nana stayed up for this, so you better fucking represent.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/531ae15318e22e098500ab91371d985e/tumblr_ninmalW1ml1u90g1uo1_400.gif
Oh that’s your excuse for everything.
Swedish Chef approves of Blake Bortles’s performance so far. BORT BORT BORT!
http://archive.cr3ation.co.uk/jpg/bort.jpg
http://38.media.tumblr.com/98c8f928fb098b389825c35f004ad1c0/tumblr_ntj5e4O3Yr1tpg4boo1_400.gif
Eh, probably better than cracking her head against the floor. That’s not fun.
Fuck. where did everybody go?
http://31.media.tumblr.com/8d490c25d0b25152ea682e41ad9fc123/tumblr_nscjpxheRC1uoo8ayo1_500.gif
We’ve been listening
Taking care of kids
Not maybe possibly having an affair
Not drinking (i copped to that)
Being communicative
Going off to have a cigar with the vagrants down the street
Bortles is making me chortle
Who wins in a frown off 1) Jerry Richardson; 2) Bill Belichick; 3) Nick Saban
4)’Ol Double J!!!11!!1!
HOW ‘BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!!!!111!!!!!!1!!
Damnit!
http://www.theheckler.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/SadJerryJones.jpg
Batman. HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD, ASSHOLES.
That sideline reporter is stiffer than the sheets at an all boys boarding school in Maine in the 1960w
Oh, you mean……… I thought…….