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Because moneys speak louder than public health (and thank FUCK for that, amirite??), we finally have sommet like a full Saturday slate. Praise be! But don’t forget about Premiership Banana Puddings time, first!
The Mighty Blues of Everton are in first position (assuming Villa lost yesterday, which I will presume #HAILGAMBLOR), and who knows how long this wacky ride will last? But our beautiful James (Him-ez) is out for Sunday’s match at Saints (10:00, NBCSN). I am feeling draw, but very grateful no bleeding into RedZone time.
City are there for wake and bake action (7:30, Peacock), away to the very interesting, mercurial Hammers. You can certainly see some wobble in the wheels of Pep’s side, and West Ham are playing with a great deal of confidence. Could be worth your time, or City awaken and slaughter these.
Oh my cats, what a turd of a 10:00 (NBCSN) fixture. Uncle Woy’s Palace at the Cottage. Even Litre ain’t want to see that, but we all noe he shll watch anyway. As will I, gotta watch sommet. (Oh I will watch, because I like pain)
/Door Flies open. A drunk Wakezilla comes stumbling in the DFO Club house.
Wakezilla: Hello Sports fans! I’m happy to announce that Hornchester United is back, baby!
This week, Manchester United’s right-back, Aaron Wan-Bissaka, got caught with his hands in many, many cookie jars. Spider has been outed through widely shared Instagram posts of cheating on his girlfriend with Jesse Lingard’s ex, American model Marliesia Ortiz. We only heard about this because he got a third woman pregnant and he doesn’t want her to have the baby.
Is Spider a good partner to have in a relationship? Of course not. But you know what? I give AWB a standing ovation because all that scoring off the field has finally translated on the field, as he scored his first goal last week against The Barcodes.
With all the controversy getting leaked less than 24 hours before a big Champions League clash against PSG, you’d think AWB would lay a stinker, right? You’d be wrong.
AWB had Mbappe, Neymar and Di Maria in his back pocket the entire time:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1319197805106352128
It turns out all that off-field back dooring he has done has paid off because neither Mbappe nor Neymar could pull a fast one on AWB. It was pretty funny watching both of them yelling at each other to “switch sides” to get away from Spider.
AWB’s shenanigans is a sign of promising things, as United’s best players tend to get caught up in these. . . entanglements.
The current King of Infidelity is Anthony Martial. He went off and cheated on his pregnant girlfriend with Malika Semichi. But you know what happened after that? He had a career year!
Earlier this season, teenage phenom, Mason Greenwood, donned the #11 (the number in which Martial first had an affair) and definitely didn’t get the cold shoulder when he was in Iceland. Iceland? More like Niceland!
There definitely is something to wearing #11. For those of you who don’t know, United legend, Ryan Giggs, apologized to his brother for an 8 year affair with his wife, 4 years after he stopped sleeping with her.
Better late than never, I suppose. This was in addition to his other affair with Imogen Thomas.
So Hornchester United is back! Rooney, Rio, and Becks gives this new generation of womanizers two thumbs up, a lifetime of supply of green condoms from Condomdepot.com and a free prescription to fight the Clap.
But best of all, United has the heart of gold. Marcus Rashford is fighting to have no child in England to starve. This was his plea to parliament before they took a vote to feed starving children:
In response, British politicians told starving kids to go fuck themselves. Upon hearing this, Nigel Farage tweeted out “If the government can subsidise Eat Out to Help Out, not being seen to give poor kids lunch in the school holidays looks mean and is wrong.”
When even Nigel fucking Farage can tell you how morally bankrupt this decision is then you know the politicians that voted no are a fucking train wreck who deserve the guillotine. With that said, Farage is still a piece of shit.
Yesterday, Rashford turned his Twitter feed into a network of restaurants, cafes and communities who will feed those children for free instead.
As for today’s game against Chelski, well, expect the Blues to pick up 3 points because over the past 10 years, United shit the bed after putting in a solid performance in Europe.
/Wakezilla throws down a smokebomb and disappears
Fantastic Spotlight Dance, Chelski invading Old Trafford (12:30, NBC). United had a yuuuuuuuge Shempions League road win mid-week. Are they fixed, or just another false dawn? I have to watch the Terrible Game (follow the link for my bile) on ESPN, which will make me beyond angry for the weekend, unless Everton cheer me up.
NBC wants you to fire Peacock back up to watch the Redshite destroy Team Knifey (3:00). Suffice to say…no. Just no.
/Wakezilla jumps out from out of the garbage can
Wakezilla: Hey Scousers!
/Wakezilla throws down another smokebomb and once again disappears.
I am too geeked about Everton to notice much outside the Prem. My apologies.
Hi futbol friends, Litre here. How am I doing? (You don’t care) Well, have you looked at the table? (Why would you look at the bottom). Did I predict this? (Yep, you still don’t care) Yes, yes I did. Did I want this to happen? No, no I did not. (Got to be funny to watch an internet friend melt down)
Instead of being angry, or violent I’m going to start on a happy note. The futbol portion of the clubhouse has grown year after year and has been fantastic to be part of this growing corner of DFO. The internet friendship goes so far that I send and receive packages from random people who I have never met before (which is awesome and a bit worrying for my wife).
Due to the exchanging of ideas on information on the site I have become enamoUred with SexiMexifutbol. I’ve been sent two jerseys from Balls for my chosen team Puebla who were chosen due to their middling position in the table and they used to have a good Canadian striker. Following these guys I can tell you they’re more frustrating than following the London Jaguras. I’ve also expressed my new love of Puebla FC to Mrs. Cola and she responded art, food? Yeah, I’m down, let’s go to a futbol game.
There’s been bottles of booze that have gone across borders (back and forth to San Juan!), not to mention many chocolate bars back and forth between countries. What I am saying is that Fulham may be shit (and things in general), but there’s a good community here so be good to each other, and fuck Aston Villa the fake fucks.
The eternal question is who would you rather have on your chest? AT&T or Facebook?
I have a footy scarf collection that is cozying up to 100 but is nae on display due to tiny condo where the Cola’s live. I’m always on the lookout for footy scarves from friends around the world if I can’t get them myself. Arsenal supporter and all around good fellow Horatio Cornblower had shown me a highlight of his local NASL club Hartford Athletic on the twitter. I offhandedly mentioned my scarf addiction to him (No 50 shades) and he was able to get me one and it’s fucking glorious. Beauty coloUrs, very Whalers, which is awesome as I was/am a big fan.
In return for these gifts I send scarves that represent my supporters group for the Canadian Premier League and there are now American DFO Footsoldiers !
Alright, screw this nice fuzzy shit. The mighty London Jaguras have 1 fucking point thus far. 1. How many? 1. Even though I knew this was coming you still can’t prepare for getting the shit kicked out of you every weekend. Even though I predicted it would happen it still changes my mood on Saturdays however I am better when I don’t watch. I predicted the shitty back line that Johnny Wrestling (see Wednesday nights or Sunday days in Duvaaaaallll) needed to address. Did he? Yes, eventually. He did so on the last day of the transfer window when the club WAS ALREADY BOOTFUCKED TO START THE SEASON. Was I happy on deadline day? Yes. Did our new coveted cb blow his knee a week later? Fuck and Yes. All of this being said I still believe that the strive for 17th will happen because I am a fool and this is why we’re all supporters. who subscribe to hope and blind belief. This year when I look at the starting lineup there are 2 dudes left from the team that came up and I do believe that’s a good thing. To the gents that got us up thank you for your service but you do not have the quality that the Premier League demands. I despise being a yoyo club and wish that it was like when Mighty Whitey (nawt raycess) was the 7th longest standing team in the Prem but those Michael Jackson statued games are long gone.
Ah well, at least in North America we aren’t getting screwed by SKY, the FA with their pay per-view scheme.
*Please take a moment out of your day to read up on the Shakhtar v Real Madrid game that happened this week. It’s delicious.
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Nebraska (+26) at tOhio State (Noon, Fox)
So glad to have channel flipping options, that I almost don’t retch at this featured turd. ALMOST.
Oklahoma (-6.5) at TCU (Noon, ABC)
Now this, THIS…could be fun. Bloodeyes are firmly “backed up against the wall” and it’s really an elimination game for both (in terms of getting to league championship game).
Kansas (+19.5) at Kansas State (Noon, FS1)
This one might be rather car crash-y…but remember the cardinal rule of Unded Bill Snyders. Love them as a big underdog, hate them as a big favoUrite.
Alabama (-21.5) at Tennessee (3:30, CBS)
Coming off getting pantsed by Kenfucky, UT welcomes…Alabama to town. Sometimes, life is just mean like that.
Iowa State (+3.5) at Oklahoma State (3:30, Fox)
This is likely the best matchup of the day. Talent (BDSM State) v. coaching (Cornpone State), as the last two Big Twaaaalve undefeateds square off. Winner deffo has the inside lane to conference title game, but anything can, will, and does happen in this cray-cray JV league.
West By God Virginia (-3) at Texas Tech (5:30, ESPN2)
I struggle to make sense of Fuckers du Cousins as road favoUrite against anyone sentient. But up is down in 2020, and Guns Up! have proven quite adept at shooting themselves in the dick. Gotta love this staggered start time, though! And we can drink and/or pill with good imaginary buddy WCS!
South Cakalaky (+6) at LSU (7:00, ESPN)
It may be difficult to fall off the floor, but that’s what it would be if Bayou Bengals lost at home to a very mediocre Chickens squadron. I just don’t know what Coach O’s boys have in the tank. They might just be “capital B” BAD.
Michigan (-3) at Minnesota (7:30, ABC)
I wasn’t going to bother with this’un…but meh. They’s both ranked. Bet the under, if anything.
Cincinnati (+2.5) at SMU (9:00, ESPN2)
This is a pretty strong matchup for a semi-tweaker timeslot, and I respect that. Would like to see the Ponies come good here. PHRASING.
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