I Am Irsay: Indianapolis Colts 2015 Preview

[DFO Claimer: this preview was handled mainly by Covalent Blonde with me peppering in some insanity. Giddy up.]

/lights Marlboro Red

Ya’ll wanna hear ‘Freebird’?

I am Irsay.

Out of the last 15 years, my Colts have made playoff appearances in all but two seasons.  In fact, since 2012, Indianapolis has been steered by young, talented, and woefully hairy—yet balding—Hod… errr, Andrew Luck and has faithfully ushered them to the playoffs in his tenure and has claimed Division Championships.  To be fair, my Colts are in the AFC South, and the Dallas Stars are nearly in contention for that honor.  Like Luck, Pagano returns this season to try to organize these Super Bowl contenders, though rumors that disagreement with GM Ryan Grigson means that it is Super Bowl 50 or pack it up for the scrappy Pagano.  Ultimately, they finished last season with a pretty acceptable 11-5 season, their third 11-win season consecutively.

However, it was neither Pagano nor Luck that dominates our memories of my Colts season last year.  Indeed, everything accomplished by my team seemed to be largely swept wholly under the rugs save for two major events: my Professional Conduct “Unbecoming” suspension and the seemingly endlessly maligned Deflateballghazigate.  The former was tragic and tragically humorous and the latter has had more ink spilled than I can fathom and has done a wonderful job of obfuscating the horrible violence of last season by enshrouding this season in administrative clusterfuckery.

On the whole, I tend to overlook special teams, but 42 year-old Vinatieri put 140 points on the board.  140.  Compared to the 40 TD Luck garnered last year, Vinatieri added almost 60% of Luck’s contribution.  Good show, you geriatric wizard! Also, Pat McAfee is still here…

All Hail McAfee!

Let’s take a look at what we can expect to find floating down the gravy river ahead for this season…

/pops expired prescription drugs

I’m going to be optimistic for good things from the defense. It should be from corners Vontae Davis—assuming the groin injury can be overcome—and Greg Toler.  Rookie D’Juon Smith might have hopes as a cornerback assuming he gets regular season action without getting concussed out of the game.  Unfortunately, the guarded prognosis in my Colts backfield isn’t the worst news:  it is the abysmal pass rush, bleh.

/lights Marlboro Red

Henry Anderson joins my Colts at DE from Stanford and might bring some help in backing up the seasoned Kendall Langford.  Trent Cole also joins Indy from the Eagles and may bring a ray of sunshine to the LB slots.  The current plan is that a healthy Robert Mathis rejoins for a healthy season after an Achilles disaster last year.  Trying to patch up their leaky bucket of a defense, Bjoern Werner moves over to strongside LB for a spell to see if he can bring some pressure against opposing QBs, though keeping with a theme of questionable health, Werner has been taking some extra days off over the weeks to try to try to stave off a shoulder injury taking him out for parts of the season.

Hit-or-miss defensive efficacy beleaguered Indy last season, especially when their opponents seem un-phased by their anemic pass rush and with misguided optimism, restructuring might work out to a better defensive strategy for the Colts this year.

/pops expired prescription drugs

People! I have sought out the help of Wide Receiver Andre “The Giant” Johnson to aid us in our quest for Super Bowl 50 glory! He comes from a team in a far away land so obscure that even the people known as “hipsters” have not heard of his origins. His replacement of Reggie Wayne should prove fruitful, even if my plan to plant Ol’ Regg as a spy with the Troll Bradys has proved to be less so. Curse that evil genius Belichick and his Kraftian deep pockets! Along with T.Y. Hilton, Donte Moncrief, Dwayne Allen, and Coby “dude my mouth’s not that big” Fleener, we should be a pass catching force to be reckoned with!

To help further shore up the offense, Frank Gore is here by way of the San Francisco Tech Gian…errr, 49ers. Replacing the lost Blind Boy from Alabama Trent Richardson. That guy needed directions to make it to the correct locker room every game! I had to let Boom Herron go, though… Man, I’m gonna miss my binges with Boom Herron. Did I say binges? I meant AA meetings.

12-4 is not out of reach for my Colts. Look at that Depth Chart! Tying it all together is our anchor! Our rock! Hodo… errr, Andrew Luck!

This preview is going off the rails faster than the AFC Championship.

/pupils dilate

WE ARE IRSAY!