This is part one of a roughly 17 part series in which Horatio discusses how his fantasy teams did the previous week.  Less if his teams do so poorly that he loses all interest and stops following his teams at all, let alone writing about them.  Let’s set the O/U on this ending at Week 9.  Let’s set the O/U on people losing interest at 9 secon…and I see the Under prevails.

I have three teams this year.  One of them is in Sill’s Insan-O-Matic 20 Team league and I’m not really sure who I have on that team, let alone how the scoring works.  It is pretty funny rooting for Matt Asiata to do something each week though.  The second team is in some random Yahoo league that I accidentally joined while trying to sign up for Sill’s league.  I’m pretty sure no one’s paying any attention in that league, (I offered Tom Brady for Dez Bryant a couple of weeks ago and as of today that trade was still out there.  I should probably do something about that), and if I just remember to change line-ups from week to week I should win going away.  The third league is OSZ’s continuing KSK league from last year and it’s the only league I will pay attention to, because I should have won last year, (fuck you Megatron, break down on your own time), and goddammit I will win this year!  No, I won’t.  I’ll do the same thing I did last year; make it to the play-offs in first or second place and then choke like Jimi Hendrix on a heroin binge.

Wet Hot CT Summer

Yahoo Public League 784984.  WON 107.22-83.54. Tom Brady, Carlos Hyde and the Seattle D led the way.  I honestly don’t know why people wait so late to grab a defense.  The top 2-3 can make a big difference game to game.  Brady I got lucky on, and by that I mean only Roger Goodell could be an evil enough person to make a judge think Tom Brady wasn’t lying his ass off about deflating game balls.  On a personal note, fuck off Goodell.  As a fantasy football owner, hey thanks Rog!  Skyline Chili’s on me!  My opponent, the terribly named Mark’s Team, (Whatta fag amirite?), started Sammy Watkins, who did not play.  This is Week 1.  Oh Yahoo Public League 784984, I will make you my bitch.  Yahoo Grade: A.

Also after writing this I went into the league and canceled that Brady for Bryant trade.  Way to sleep at the wheel Tom’s Terrific Team.  Terrific my (exaggerated) 9″ dick.

Dora  & Her Fuck Monkey

This is my entry in Sill’s mind-bending league.  20 teams.  Wacky scoring.  Weird rules.  A draft that may not have ended.  It’s got it all.  The team name, incidentally, came from a comment someone made during the draft.  It was probably one of you, I just can’t remember.  But thanks.  At any rate, LOST 212.73-309.33.  I’m not sure who Manveru is but that’s who was my opponent.  Not too upset about this loss.  Dora & Her Fuck Monkey put up enough points to beat 14 of the other teams in the league, (think about that for a second), but couldn’t overcome Carlos Hyde’s 82 points and the Carolina D’s 89(89!) points.  I really need to figure out the scoring in the league.  Or not.  I’m really not into math.  Yahoo Grade: B, but plays well with others.

Baby’s First Mail Fraud

(I don’t know either, but that’s what comes up when you do an image search for “Baby’s First Mail Fraud”)

OSZ’s League, Gratuitous Simpson’s References, Lord Palmerston Division.  WON, defeating Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s Turbulent Juicers 137.02-111.12.  RTD had me until the Minnesota defense decided to try stopping Carlos Hyde by waving red flag instead of tackling him.  31.2 points later I had my win.  Tom Brady, Matt Forte and a kicker, (for Christ’s sake really?), also contributed.  Hopefully Atlanta’s offense will continue to stall in FG range all season and Matt Bryant can pile up the points.  This was also the high score for the league this week and it’s nice to get that out of the way in Week 1.  Now I can look forward to a rash of crippling injuries that sinks me to the bottom of the league by Week 8, forcing me to take a much earlier than usual interest in hockey.  Yahoo grade: A+!  Oh yeah, validate me Yahoo!

For the record while I have Tom Brady in 2 leagues I will gladly trade any success in those leagues for Tom getting a season-ending injury in real life.  Nothing too serious, I’m not totally evil, but, you know, a broken foot, broken throwing hand, broken foot and throwing hand, something like that.  I don’t ask for much.

And how was your imaginary week?

(Just kidding I don’t really care)