Rejoice! More EPL and JV NFL and Open Thread Saturday Goodness for Glorious Commentist Party

So much football has been consumed, and we aren’t even 10% into the regular season.  Doesn’t that feel good?  Let it sink in, deep into your soul…

Now, on to your early Saturday Premier League apertif!  Schedule spacing is most excellent this weekend, with interesting fixtures each timeslot.  No reason to bother with nauseating pre-game shows of ny varietal!  Track your fantasy injury status updates online and don’t let the chatterbox “experts” make you second guess yourself into panic moves you will regret.  Enjoy the Lesser Footy, it totes won’t make you gay.  OK, not more than a little.

7:45 EST brings the classic London Derby of Arsenal/Chelski.  Whilst Arsenal is in their happy/safe place in the table (4th, they basically live there), you have to scroll way the fuck down to find the Russian mob money side…in 17th.  One place from the relegation zone, thanks to having their pants pulled down by Everton last weekend.  It won’t last, but it’s still fucking hilarious.  Karma’s a bitch, “special one” – now eat shit and die, already.

Stay on NBCSN for Everton/Swans at 10, in what should be an entertaining, progressive matchup (and easily the best game in that window).  I am a little worried my Blues could have a bit of emotional hangover, plus RB Seamus Coleman might not play.  Everton does not have a “major league ready” backup RB.  Gulp.  West Ham (currently sitting in 5th on 9 points) is next in line for the hurricane that is Manchester City (runaway 1st on a perfect 15), 12:30 on NBCSN.

Sunday Funday!  You gotta flip to USA Network for the good early game (Tottenham/Palace, 8:30), followed by the late shit game (Liverpool/Norwich).  NBCSN joins in the fun late and hungover at 11, but with the best game of the day by far, Southampton vs. Manchester United.  A great opportunity for the Saints to vault back into “interesting top half of the table team” status after a sluggish start.  I have a feeling they will come good this weekend.

 

Everyone ready for some HAWT JV action now?  Well, hawt is overselling it more than a little.  But footbaw is footbaw:

Connecticut at Missouri (12:00, ESPN)

The Fightin’ Horatios invade Columbia (no, the other, other one) in a crucial battle between two undefeated teams absolutely nobody believes to be any good.  Well, I’m sure their mothers think they are absolutely wonderful young men,

Northwestern at Duke (12:30, ACC Network/ESPN3)

Georgia Tech at Notre Dame (3:30, NBC)

This game will make your eyes bleed, and I really despise both head coaches intensely.  That said, it’s  two Top 15 teams and could have national implications.  I probably will have to flip to it at least occasionally.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Auburn at LSU (3:30, CBS)

This game looked way the fuck more interesting before last weekend happened.  Maybe the game will surprise us, but these teams look pretty derpy to me, particularly on offense.  But there’s a lot of shit in this window.  I mean, Northern Illinois at tOSU is a goddamned national broadcast.  I really hate the world sometimes.  OK, most of the time.  OK, almost all of the time.

Florida at Kentucky (7:30, SECN)

This has “wildly entertaining shitshow” written all over it.  I’m mildly annoyed I will be stuck watching NC State/Old Dominion on an old-timey syndicated starwipe network broadcast instead.

Stanford at USC (8:00, ABC)

Open question as to whether the Men of Troy take the Tree lightly and let them hang around for a half, or ass-blast them right out of the gate.  I will defer to Martin’s take, should he decide to weigh in on the matter.

Ole Miss at Alabama (9:15, ESPN)

Hey, it only took 9+ hours to get to the kickoff of an actually compelling matchup between two good teams.  It’s at Roll Damn Tide though, without Johnny Reb good luck charm Katy Perry.  Edge to Nick Saban, which will make him scowl terrifyingly.

BYU at UCLA (10:30, FS1)

DVR the shit out of this game, non-West Coasters/insomniacs/tweakers.  Perhaps the most interesting JV footy contest of the slate.  I want to know how good the Bruins might possibly be, and whether the Stormin’ Mormons can pull another late win out of their magic underwear covered collective ass.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Sill Bimmons

HERE IT IS

Sill Bimmons

there it goes fuuu

Sill Bimmons

HOLD THE PHONE THERE MABEL THAT ONE’S GONNA COUNT

Sill Bimmons

Longest review EVAR HEE DROPPED IT

nomonkeyfun

How they doing?

WCS

Hampton Roads is a nice place.

Sill Bimmons

HOLD THE PHONE THERE MABEL aw fuck he dropped it

WCS

So… Nebraska is butt.

Sill Bimmons

The nexus of all the evil in the world is the Notre Dame marching band playing Seven Nation Army in jubilant victory.

WCS

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Sill Bimmons

I am unhappy with the course the ND/Ga. Tech contest has taken.

scotchnaut
WCS

NIU only down seven to THE Overwrought State University, and just got the ball back with six minutes to go.

scotchnaut

Okay, that olive oil/herb mixture that the steaks sat in for four hours was poured over par-boiled Yukon potatoes and thrown into a 400 degree oven for browning purposes. I have no words.

Spanky Datass
scotchnaut

God damn I hate that guy.

WCS

Jeebus, LSU…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This whole “be able to watch everything on your phone at any time” is kind of depressing to me.

WCS

BACK IN MY DAY WE WATCH SCRAMBLED PORN ON CHANNELS WE DIDN’T GET AND WE LIKED IT

Sill Bimmons

MEAULELNNE NI PACES

Sill Bimmons

“Emmanuelle In Space” scrambled?

Nobody?

nomonkeyfun

I still remember when I first saw the Playboy channel, unscrambled.
My parents were at a school board fight and left a neighbor’s kid, me and my sibling with a baby sitter.

Being the teenager she was, she was very happy to let us sit in my parent’s room with the TV on.
The neighbor’s kid somehow discovered unscrambled Playboy. We were very happy, but confused. We were 7, little sib was 5.

I don’t know if they remember, never talked to my sister about it.

/true story

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
WCS

Assburn only has one play, QB draw, and the Fightin’ GUMBOS can’t stop it.

Sill Bimmons

I HAVEN’T SEEN ALABAMIANS TAKE THIS BAD A BEATING SINCE THE 65TH VOLUNTEER INFANTRY ABANDONED MONTGOMERY

WCS

The Dr. Pepper vendor in these ads was Jared Fogle’s college roommate.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Only for two months before Jared moved out because “that guy was way too creepy and weird.”

Sill Bimmons

Take heed, and beware of covetousness; for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.

–Luke 12:15 KJV

There’s real gold in the paint on our helmets! YAY JEEBUS

–Notre Dame dissonance

http://content.fathead.com/products/61/61-61668.jpg

Sill Bimmons

Which Big 5 conference school do you think is the most racist?

I’m going South Carolina.

WCS
Spanky Datass

Boomer Damn Sooner!

God damnit Georgia Tech.

Sill Bimmons

Yep.

WCS

Fournette is going to finish this game with eleventy billion yards.

Sill Bimmons

Welp, back to ND/Ga Tech.

Sill Bimmons

His nickname should be Big Splash.

WCS

Auburn drew up Nelson’s idea to score.

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Sill Bimmons

GRITTY KNEE DESTROYING CELEBRATION

It bears repeating, fuck Ohio State and their soft dick schedule, you Big Ten pussies.

WCS

Somewhere, Crocshots is furiously fapping to this game.

Lothar of the Hill People

I’m getting the glare from the wife. Time to pay more attention to the family. Probably should drink another beer, too. Good evening, gents.

Sill Bimmons

When did Dee Reynolds become a sideline reporter?

Sill Bimmons

ND/Ga. Tech

Sill Bimmons

Butker? MOAR LIEK BUTTKER AMIRITE

Sorry but season-ending injuries caused by celebration are hilarious

WCS

We call it, “The Gramatica.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think a Notre Dame cornerback just injured himself jumping into a teammate to celebrate. The way he landed and is now howling makes me think torn ACL.

laserguru

I’ve got my TV back!
It’s just so beautiful I could cry.
Just look at that beauty.
/cries.
Five days without live TV will fuck with you.

Sill Bimmons

Eight days during the Sandy blackout.

Glad you’re back online!

#firstworldproblems

Spanky Datass

MY TURN!

Random Spanky thought: Fruit drowned in booze is good … and boobs too!

http://41.media.tumblr.com/9dad52b6725009547775d0c4d015d9ac/tumblr_mxn2boDb0q1qdqlnso1_500.png

Wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Lothar of the Hill People

The OU QB’s name is Baker Mayfield.

BAKER.

If I was him, I’d convert to Islam and put “Abu” in front of that, and have it be a legitimate first name.

I wonder if his brothers Butcher and Candlestick Maker are jealous.

Spanky Datass

Baker Fuckin’ Football doesn’t have much of a ring to it but that’s who “they” compare him too.

Womp womp.

Lothar of the Hill People

I really want to watch that UCLA/BYU game, but it’ll be mostly after I’m in bed and I can’t record streaming online video.

Someone screencap all the cheerleader labia shots for me, k?

Random Revisisle thought: Bowties suck.

Lothar of the Hill People

I’ll take a bow tie over a bolo.

Spanky Datass
scotchnaut

“KFC wants me to end the summer with a bang. I told them that the gang variety will cost them extra.”

-A Porn Star

Good grief #asiankickers #amiright!?

Lothar of the Hill People

Isn’t #asiankickers a popular category on Redtube?

I wonder if I should change my name to something obscenely long to fuck with the new format.

WCS

Auburn? More like ASSBURN, AMIRITE?!

WCS

I just reread my pill bottle’s directions. Rather than take 1-2 at a time once or twice it day, which is what I always thought it was, it actually reads, “take 1-2 at time, two or three times daily.”

http://25.media.tumblr.com/40888970a584112068dd4196c3e7186f/tumblr_mpqh7twjnc1qz8x31o1_500.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s what happens when you outsource American jobs.