So much football has been consumed, and we aren’t even 10% into the regular season. Doesn’t that feel good? Let it sink in, deep into your soul…
Now, on to your early Saturday Premier League apertif! Schedule spacing is most excellent this weekend, with interesting fixtures each timeslot. No reason to bother with nauseating pre-game shows of ny varietal! Track your fantasy injury status updates online and don’t let the chatterbox “experts” make you second guess yourself into panic moves you will regret. Enjoy the Lesser Footy, it totes won’t make you gay. OK, not more than a little.
7:45 EST brings the classic London Derby of Arsenal/Chelski. Whilst Arsenal is in their happy/safe place in the table (4th, they basically live there), you have to scroll way the fuck down to find the Russian mob money side…in 17th. One place from the relegation zone, thanks to having their pants pulled down by Everton last weekend. It won’t last, but it’s still fucking hilarious. Karma’s a bitch, “special one” – now eat shit and die, already.
Stay on NBCSN for Everton/Swans at 10, in what should be an entertaining, progressive matchup (and easily the best game in that window). I am a little worried my Blues could have a bit of emotional hangover, plus RB Seamus Coleman might not play. Everton does not have a “major league ready” backup RB. Gulp. West Ham (currently sitting in 5th on 9 points) is next in line for the hurricane that is Manchester City (runaway 1st on a perfect 15), 12:30 on NBCSN.
Sunday Funday! You gotta flip to USA Network for the good early game (Tottenham/Palace, 8:30), followed by the late shit game (Liverpool/Norwich). NBCSN joins in the fun late and hungover at 11, but with the best game of the day by far, Southampton vs. Manchester United. A great opportunity for the Saints to vault back into “interesting top half of the table team” status after a sluggish start. I have a feeling they will come good this weekend.
Everyone ready for some HAWT JV action now? Well, hawt is overselling it more than a little. But footbaw is footbaw:
Connecticut at Missouri (12:00, ESPN)
The Fightin’ Horatios invade Columbia (no, the other, other one) in a crucial battle between two undefeated teams absolutely nobody believes to be any good. Well, I’m sure their mothers think they are absolutely wonderful young men,
Northwestern at Duke (12:30, ACC Network/ESPN3)
Georgia Tech at Notre Dame (3:30, NBC)
This game will make your eyes bleed, and I really despise both head coaches intensely. That said, it’s two Top 15 teams and could have national implications. I probably will have to flip to it at least occasionally. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Auburn at LSU (3:30, CBS)
This game looked way the fuck more interesting before last weekend happened. Maybe the game will surprise us, but these teams look pretty derpy to me, particularly on offense. But there’s a lot of shit in this window. I mean, Northern Illinois at tOSU is a goddamned national broadcast. I really hate the world sometimes. OK, most of the time. OK, almost all of the time.
Florida at Kentucky (7:30, SECN)
This has “wildly entertaining shitshow” written all over it. I’m mildly annoyed I will be stuck watching NC State/Old Dominion on an old-timey syndicated starwipe network broadcast instead.
Stanford at USC (8:00, ABC)
Open question as to whether the Men of Troy take the Tree lightly and let them hang around for a half, or ass-blast them right out of the gate. I will defer to Martin’s take, should he decide to weigh in on the matter.
Ole Miss at Alabama (9:15, ESPN)
Hey, it only took 9+ hours to get to the kickoff of an actually compelling matchup between two good teams. It’s at Roll Damn Tide though, without Johnny Reb good luck charm Katy Perry. Edge to Nick Saban, which will make him scowl terrifyingly.
BYU at UCLA (10:30, FS1)
DVR the shit out of this game, non-West Coasters/insomniacs/tweakers. Perhaps the most interesting JV footy contest of the slate. I want to know how good the Bruins might possibly be, and whether the Stormin’ Mormons can pull another late win out of their magic underwear covered collective ass.
7-0 wolven sort! WOO!!!!!!
HERE IT IS
there it goes fuuu
HOLD THE PHONE THERE MABEL THAT ONE’S GONNA COUNT
Longest review EVAR HEE DROPPED IT
The starwipe syndicated network that carries ODU home games is sponsored by Koch Industries.
/shudders violently
How they doing?
3 and out, my Wolven sort just converted on 3rd and 2.
Hampton Roads is a nice place.
HOLD THE PHONE THERE MABEL aw fuck he dropped it
So… Nebraska is butt.
This applies to pretty much all teh B1G
The nexus of all the evil in the world is the Notre Dame marching band playing Seven Nation Army in jubilant victory.
watching “A Football Life” Lyle Alzado dying of brain cancer is less depressing than that.
I am unhappy with the course the ND/Ga. Tech contest has taken.
[swerves]
https://youtu.be/fUo0i5gYr2U
NIU only down seven to THE Overwrought State University, and just got the ball back with six minutes to go.
Okay, that olive oil/herb mixture that the steaks sat in for four hours was poured over par-boiled Yukon potatoes and thrown into a 400 degree oven for browning purposes. I have no words.
And for dessert?
http://38.media.tumblr.com/57955db0e372b3105c111ccf92d31bca/tumblr_nu27zd2QOM1syvjuco1_500.gif
God damn I hate that guy.
Jeebus, LSU…
This whole “be able to watch everything on your phone at any time” is kind of depressing to me.
BACK IN MY DAY WE WATCH SCRAMBLED PORN ON CHANNELS WE DIDN’T GET AND WE LIKED IT
MEAULELNNE NI PACES
“Emmanuelle In Space” scrambled?
Nobody?
I thought you wuz talkin’ French
I still remember when I first saw the Playboy channel, unscrambled.
My parents were at a school board fight and left a neighbor’s kid, me and my sibling with a baby sitter.
Being the teenager she was, she was very happy to let us sit in my parent’s room with the TV on.
The neighbor’s kid somehow discovered unscrambled Playboy. We were very happy, but confused. We were 7, little sib was 5.
I don’t know if they remember, never talked to my sister about it.
/true story
Yeah Right (artist’s conception)
http://splodzblogz.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/HomerHugsTV-620×328.jpg
HOTLINK
http://travelinsurancefile.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Claim-Denied.jpg
Assburn only has one play, QB draw, and the Fightin’ GUMBOS can’t stop it.
I HAVEN’T SEEN ALABAMIANS TAKE THIS BAD A BEATING SINCE THE 65TH VOLUNTEER INFANTRY ABANDONED MONTGOMERY
George Wallace in the schoolhouse door didn’t do much better either. But there was token resistance, at least.
The Dr. Pepper vendor in these ads was Jared Fogle’s college roommate.
Only for two months before Jared moved out because “that guy was way too creepy and weird.”
Stop me if you heard this one before – TD Fournette
Take heed, and beware of covetousness; for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
–Luke 12:15 KJV
There’s real gold in the paint on our helmets! YAY JEEBUS
–Notre Dame dissonance
http://content.fathead.com/products/61/61-61668.jpg
Which Big 5 conference school do you think is the most racist?
I’m going South Carolina.
oh, I highly doubt it. Kentucky and Ole Miss have quite the legacies.
Oklahoma makes its case:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU-ZbjB00k8
They are making up for the lack of legacy.
Boomer Damn Sooner!
God damnit Georgia Tech.
Yep.
Fournette is going to finish this game with eleventy billion yards.
Les Miles seems like the kinda guy who would like to set a record, which is why I’m still watching.
Plus, lack of options.
Sorry about the Central, Yinzers. Both of us are giving it away to the goddamned Small Bears. Thank God I am amply distracted by FOOTBAW.
I really woulda been ok with the Dirt Stillers winning it, Cervelli in particular is one of my favourite non-Redbird players. And of course Cutch, even though he oughtta move to LF.
Welp, back to ND/Ga Tech.
Just pack your shit and go home, Auburn. WOW.
Is #5 Fourcette’s twin? Same difference.
Pssst, Aubie. I think Fourcette’s a-gettin’ teh ball
His nickname should be Big Splash.
Auburn drew up Nelson’s idea to score.
I much enjoyed the Allie LaForce gun show.
GRITTY KNEE DESTROYING CELEBRATION
It bears repeating, fuck Ohio State and their soft dick schedule, you Big Ten pussies.
Somewhere, Crocshots is furiously fapping to this game.
I’m getting the glare from the wife. Time to pay more attention to the family. Probably should drink another beer, too. Good evening, gents.
When did Dee Reynolds become a sideline reporter?
WHICH GAME??????
ND/Ga. Tech
Butker? MOAR LIEK BUTTKER AMIRITE
Sorry but season-ending injuries caused by celebration are hilarious
We call it, “The Gramatica.”
I think a Notre Dame cornerback just injured himself jumping into a teammate to celebrate. The way he landed and is now howling makes me think torn ACL.
I’ve got my TV back!
It’s just so beautiful I could cry.
Just look at that beauty.
/cries.
Five days without live TV will fuck with you.
Eight days during the Sandy blackout.
Glad you’re back online!
#firstworldproblems
MY TURN!
Random Spanky thought: Fruit drowned in booze is good … and boobs too!
http://41.media.tumblr.com/9dad52b6725009547775d0c4d015d9ac/tumblr_mxn2boDb0q1qdqlnso1_500.png
Wailing and gnashing of teeth.
The OU QB’s name is Baker Mayfield.
BAKER.
If I was him, I’d convert to Islam and put “Abu” in front of that, and have it be a legitimate first name.
I wonder if his brothers Butcher and Candlestick Maker are jealous.
Baker Fuckin’ Football doesn’t have much of a ring to it but that’s who “they” compare him too.
Womp womp.
I really want to watch that UCLA/BYU game, but it’ll be mostly after I’m in bed and I can’t record streaming online video.
Someone screencap all the cheerleader labia shots for me, k?
Random Revisisle thought: Bowties suck.
I’ll take a bow tie over a bolo.
Bowties: For tuxedos and suave mofos only.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/3e8e380d40f913d42c0b4207f4c4ac66/tumblr_nk1i42kGe81s87pvxo1_1280.jpg
“KFC wants me to end the summer with a bang. I told them that the gang variety will cost them extra.”
-A Porn Star
Good grief #asiankickers #amiright!?
Isn’t #asiankickers a popular category on Redtube?
I wonder if I should change my name to something obscenely long to fuck with the new format.
Auburn? More like ASSBURN, AMIRITE?!
Does Fournette have 300 yards yet?
I just reread my pill bottle’s directions. Rather than take 1-2 at a time once or twice it day, which is what I always thought it was, it actually reads, “take 1-2 at time, two or three times daily.”
http://25.media.tumblr.com/40888970a584112068dd4196c3e7186f/tumblr_mpqh7twjnc1qz8x31o1_500.gif
PILLS FOAR THE PILL GOD!
http://33.media.tumblr.com/9a49d8eb87b1e0438e8ca3181c60b4d3/tumblr_mtfeogne151sh6yvbo1_500.gif
That’s what happens when you outsource American jobs.