Your Week 2 Early Slate of Games Open Thread

Ten mother-lovin’ games? Better get to work…

Car @ Hou: The Hoyer Era lasted a wee bit shorter than the length of one football game. Congrats coaching staff, no matter who you play at QB going forward you’ll have to answer a boatload of questions about the guy you didn’t start. Kuechly’ (no matter how you spell it, it looks wrong) is out today but the Panther D shouldn’t have much of a problem against the Texans. Where’s Greg Olsen? Nowhere to be found last week. He had only two targets.

SF @ Pit: Hyde went bananas last week and Bush is out (surprise!) so look for more of the same. If Kap spies a gap he should be off and running-the Steelers secondary is iffy. TE Davis may be able to take advantage of the same situation. Brown has a minimum 5 catches and 50 yards for an NFL record 33 consecutive games-the second longest active streak is 4. I thought Wheaton would take advantage of Bryant not being around. That has not been the case.

TB @ NO: Both teams are 0-1 but this division battle will have no ramifications in the future. Winston looked overwhelmed last week just as he did in the preseason. Evans should be ready to go-adjust your lineups accordingly. How ’bout that disconnect between lousy QB play and points expected to be garnered by a quality WR in fantasy? Brees threw 48 times last week. The Wolf Man bulldozed the Saints to 31st in the league in total defense last year. I wonder what he’s got up his sleeve this time around. Colston has had a great run but it looks as though his knees have gone the way of the fax machine.

Det @ Min: As we learned last week, Stafford has been in the league X number of years and still gets rattled by blitz packages. The Lions D is goig to fall from a top 5 unit to somewhere in the middle of the pack.As yeah right said, “give AP the damn ball!” That should solve a number of problems for the offence in general and Bridgewater in particular. Maybe the coaching staff had him on a “carry count”? Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.

Ari @ Chi: Ellington is out so Johnson (Chris) and Johnson (David) will clean up the running game. I think Andre will come back to a muddled RBBC situation. Palmer picked up where he left off last season. A Warner-like renaissance for him? I’d like to see it. It’s imperative that Allen get pressure on Palmer early. Jeffrey’s hamstring is acting up-if he’s out Patrick Peterson is going to take the next WR out of the game so that leaves Bennett at TE as the only viable threat in the passing game. I don’t like the Bears chances.

NE @ Buff: Rex said that everyone wants them to beat the Pats and he is right. Gronk has scored 9 TD’s in 7 games against the Bills but is generally limited against Ryan defenses. McCoy is questionable so we may see a whole lot of Boobie. Buffalo looked amazing last week and in the preseason as well. Brady doesn’t do well against pressure and this Bills D can deliver on that front.

SD @ CIN: The Chargers D held Megatron to 2 catches-can they do the same to Green? Allen, Green, Floyd, Gordon, Woodhead, Oliver and Gates later on-Rivers has a ton of toys to play with this year. Cincy has no injured players! It doesn’t matter. It is very important for Hill to chew up the clock so that Rivers doesn’t get on the field.

Ten @ Cle: The huge story this week is that Terrance West returns to Cleveland to wreak mediocrity and take a seat on the bench. Mariota, huh? What happened last week? McCown is out and Bowe is questionable, which in this business is known as addition by subtraction.

Atl @ NYG: Ryan shouldn’t have any problems unless he’s terrified by invisible pass rushes. Tevin Coleman looks to be the guy in the Falcons backfield. Say a prayer for the Giants secondary-Julio Jones is in town. Vic Beasley against Ereck Flowers-who ya got? There is a 50-50 chance that the Giants could be 0-3 five days from now. (they meet Wash. on Thursday)

StL @ Was: St. Lou ambushed Seattle last week and should take their opponent out behind the woodshed this week. My buddy Cunningham didn’t embarrass himself last week. The jury is still out on Foles though he didn’t throw a pic last week. Rashad Ross scored 4 TD’s in preseason and is looking for his first in real play. He replaces D-Jax this week.

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JustStopDude
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Manning: Run the bootleg like a snail.

John Difool

Shit, it’s five minutes before Rams/[*Redacted] s and I just realized I’m sober…. that’s like getting caught outside in Silent Hill after the siren sounds.

Old School Zero

At first I couldn’t figure out why the Portland area’s early CBS game was TEN-CLE. Then I remembered the whole Marcus Mariota thing.

...

I read “TEN-CLE” as an abbreviation of “tentacle” and thought that game will probably be about as horrific as tentacle porn.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Johnny Manziel: Did some good things

nomonkeyfun

He payed his coke dealer on time?

King Hippo

funny is good!

You Mistook My Lust For Love

This just in, Keyshawn Johnson is still a moron.

bourb0nblues

Argentina trying to pull a Japan it seems…

Horatio Cornblower

The lawn is mowed.

Now to paint as much of the house as the high winds will allow.

Spoiler alert: I suspect it’s going to be too windy in about 12 minutes.

laserguru

While I love the tits in the banner pic, a fucking Favre jersey fer chrise sake?

Old School Zero

It was the only small sized jersey they could find.

JustStopDude

Wait…she is wearing a jersey?!?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Huh, I just noticed that now.

blordinaryfagicmox

Maybe it’s a Manning jersey.
http://www.vikings.com/team/history/all-time-numerical-roster.html
The fact that Favre is not on there means it’s a semi legit list.

laserguru

Oh Jesus I’m not ready for 0-2.
C’mon boys. It’s your home opener. Please don’t shit the bed again.
I just washed the sheets.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Who is Charissa Thompson, and why does she have the Miley Cyrus hairdo?

John Difool

Why won’t she have my baby?

John Difool

Now that he’s an Eagle shouldn’t we call Demarco “SprayTalon”

packman_jon
nomonkeyfun

Wonderful posture.

John Difool

I’m fairly certain Skynet is masquerading itself as DraftKings after becoming self-aware.

Old School Zero

Ha ha that’s funny, I’m pretty sure it’s a super pac forDRAFT KINGS IS YOUR PLACE TO PLAY WEEKLY FANTASY FOOTBALL WHY QUESTION IT YOU COULD WIN SO MUCH MONEY JUST GIVE US YOUR MONEY NOTHING SHADY HERE OF COURSE WE HAVE ALL THIS EXTRA MONEY TO BUY PRIME ADVERTISING ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE WHY WOULD THAT BE WEIRD TO YOU JUST GO AHEAD ALREADY AND JOIN US AT DRAFT KINGS JOIN US JOIN US JOIIIIIIIIN USSSSSSSSSSSSSS

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Liverpool fucked up two poijt blank opportunities.

Sharkbait

Rex Ryan doing all the footwork exploring places around Buffallo

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Chuck Lorre: Master of the Modern Minstrel

Col. Duke LaCross

That shingles ad might’ve been more disgusting than that Arkansas WR injury yesterday.

Old School Zero

I had shingles as a teenager, a very mild case but it still sucked. However, it’s not quite the NASTY FLESH EATING HORROR MOVIE disease the ads make it out to be, unless you’re entirely bedridden and already sort of rotting.

packman_jon

Re-watching my alma mater’s insane comeback last night and there was a MOTOR THAT DOESN’T STOP in reference to a white DE
http://img.brainjet.com/slides/2/2/8/1/5/6/2281569702/57062690afa3729ff871e10033fc5957ba7f3cba.jpeg

fleshwound_NPG

“Cool as a cucumber in the freezer”
Why the fuck you puttin a cucumber in the freezer?

Sharkbait

Only acceptable if it ends up in a glass full of Hendricks

nomonkeyfun

Or in Christina Hendricks BDSM fanfic.

fleshwound_NPG

No work til Wednesday, footbawww, consuming meal #2 out of 4 (or 5) right now.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Fuck you CBS for playing that shitty “Young and Wild and Free” instrumental. The original song was bad enough as it is.

Old School Zero

Ooooo loogit wee lil’ Jim Rome talkin’ that footbaw. Who’s talkin’ footbaw? YOU ARE, wee lil’ Romey Rome Rome Rome.

Sharkbait

Every time I hear Jim Rome all I think of is this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjgpo3_SF7M

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Sadly, he’s still the best thing on NFL Today.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Oh for fuck sake’s Bill Cowher, EVERY QB has a high completion % nowadays!

John Difool
Sill Bimmons

Pig Sticker on the pitch.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Fuck u Ford F-150

Old School Zero
John Difool

My liver is never ready for the [*Redacted] s.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
ThursdaySkyGoddess

I need to know what song elicits that reaction.

packman_jon

#ROLLTIDE

nomonkeyfun

That may be the one thing I’ll miss about the site that shall not be named.

Especially, the time the anti-vaxxers showed up.

JustStopDude
Old School Zero

That’s fantastic.

JustStopDude

Holy shit Fox has gone full whore mode for Draft Kings.

Someone explain to me why gambling on football games just isn’t made legal….this crap just seems like its blatant gambling.

JustStopDude
entropy

I contemplated waiting til noon to crack my first beer. Now on beer three, I obviously made the right choice.

John Difool

That’s not ‘pillar of the community’ type behavior there, son. Did you at least put pants on?

entropy

I think it depends on the community, really. And of course I put pants on…. The fridge is in full view of the neighbors’ houses. Even I have limits.

JustStopDude

Drink one for me.

I haven’t been allowed to drink alcohol in about a month. Its fucking killing me.

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ve been hammering them down since the F1 race this morning.

Werekoala

So, let’s recap. Last FFBall season, I scored Adrian Peterson in the draft with my #1 pick – lock for the playoffs!
This season, I jumped on the Dez Bryant bandwagon in round 1 – favorite for the championship!

Who do you guys want me to torpedo next year?

John Difool

As a fan of another NFC East team other than the Cowboys, just keep on going with Dez until he retires.

King Hippo

Fucking Mata. He’s a really good player, and created 100% of that goal.

JustStopDude

Me waiting for kickoff…

http://i.imgur.com/moiekGm.gif

King Hippo

Wayne Rooney is such a bag of shit. I love how much money Manure has to pay him to do fuckall.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I really hope the college football season is a repeat of 2007. I liked that season.

JustStopDude

Morning boys and girls…hope all is going well with y’all…

http://gfycat.com/ThisPeriodicAmmonite

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Mary Ann is one lucky woman.

King Hippo

So…Alshon gets benched, giving me the opportunity to overthink my lineups and start Royal (ahead of NO’s Brandon Coleman) and/or Marquess Wilson (ahead of Agholor or Ted Ginn, fuck you it’s a 20-team league). Anyone have STRONG TAEKS or should I just flip a goddamned coin like usual?

entropy

can you start the coin instead? Just seems like a smarter choice all around…

Sharkbait

At least the coin has value

blordinaryfagicmox

It would have more value if melted down into raw metal; so, can you start the liquefied base components of Ginn?
/technically a HOT take due to the melting point of nickel.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Fuck Man U.

Charge of the Light Brigade

We stand together at a great precipice. A yawning abyss filled with maddening content. Hope lies yon, teaming with faith in grand collusion. Churning there in abundance! Hark! We have swam those hoary shifting currents before. How soon such rank memories fly from our minds, those which would buttress us from the plunge.
Once again we leap, with hearts hardened by the past. No matter the outcome by the end of the day my pee will probably smell like jet fuel.

Offering a longer comment as I will not be around today. My team is out of market and I have to wander to the bar to watch it. Good luck to you all and fuck the gooddamn Patriots right in Tom Brady’s chin anus.

Sharkbait

Working Sundays sucks. However, working for a media company that happens to carry CBS games to DirecTV does not suck.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Regarding the EPL, I do find it assuming they have a color commenter who’s still an active player.

laserguru

I swear, you are a damn natural for these pre-game write ups Scotchy.
Well Private Pyle, we finally found something you do well.

King Hippo

GOALS! Soooo important.

Hahaha Bama.
comment image

Lothar of the Hill People

I’d hate to know how many small children were sacrificed by Mississippi State to pull off that game (and that play).

Sharkbait

That tide rolled right off a cliff.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I actually have conflicted feelings about this. On one hand, it’s nice to see the sun setting on the Saban dynasty. On the other hand, I can not in any fashion support a college who’s nickname is Colonel Reb.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/4eeb0fe8a5ee29b8b808733eb6dd97d2/tumblr_inline_nnbtetNedV1s5nux0_500.gif

King Hippo

This also allowed me to go the fuck to sleep, which was much appreciated.

nomonkeyfun

Did Elisha go back to school yesterday?

The derp-tastic success was strong on that play.

fleshwound_NPG

OT: with the NHL season about to start, some hockey shit:

“Jagr blackmailed to pay 50.000 CZK or his after-sex photo gets published, says “I don’t care”, photo gets published”

https://www.reddit.com/r/hockey/comments/3lmk6e/jagr_blackmailed_to_pay_50000_czk_or_his_aftersex/

via: https://twitter.com/TSN_Jorts/status/645604937397874688

blordinaryfagicmox

Jagr and Lemieux were teammates! Lemeiux is now an owner! Jagr is ancient! Jagr was traded at the deadline last year, to the team trying to make a run to the playoffs! No idea how to spell Lemueix!

fleshwound_NPG

A FULL SUNDAY OFF, I DON’T EVEN…

Not even 11 hittin the last beer in the realm of the Fat Humps…damn Sunday laws.

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