Your Week 2 Early Slate of Games Open Thread

Ten mother-lovin’ games? Better get to work…

Car @ Hou: The Hoyer Era lasted a wee bit shorter than the length of one football game. Congrats coaching staff, no matter who you play at QB going forward you’ll have to answer a boatload of questions about the guy you didn’t start. Kuechly’ (no matter how you spell it, it looks wrong) is out today but the Panther D shouldn’t have much of a problem against the Texans. Where’s Greg Olsen? Nowhere to be found last week. He had only two targets.

SF @ Pit: Hyde went bananas last week and Bush is out (surprise!) so look for more of the same. If Kap spies a gap he should be off and running-the Steelers secondary is iffy. TE Davis may be able to take advantage of the same situation. Brown has a minimum 5 catches and 50 yards for an NFL record 33 consecutive games-the second longest active streak is 4. I thought Wheaton would take advantage of Bryant not being around. That has not been the case.

TB @ NO: Both teams are 0-1 but this division battle will have no ramifications in the future. Winston looked overwhelmed last week just as he did in the preseason. Evans should be ready to go-adjust your lineups accordingly. How ’bout that disconnect between lousy QB play and points expected to be garnered by a quality WR in fantasy? Brees threw 48 times last week. The Wolf Man bulldozed the Saints to 31st in the league in total defense last year. I wonder what he’s got up his sleeve this time around. Colston has had a great run but it looks as though his knees have gone the way of the fax machine.

Det @ Min: As we learned last week, Stafford has been in the league X number of years and still gets rattled by blitz packages. The Lions D is goig to fall from a top 5 unit to somewhere in the middle of the pack.As yeah right said, “give AP the damn ball!” That should solve a number of problems for the offence in general and Bridgewater in particular. Maybe the coaching staff had him on a “carry count”? Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.

Ari @ Chi: Ellington is out so Johnson (Chris) and Johnson (David) will clean up the running game. I think Andre will come back to a muddled RBBC situation. Palmer picked up where he left off last season. A Warner-like renaissance for him? I’d like to see it. It’s imperative that Allen get pressure on Palmer early. Jeffrey’s hamstring is acting up-if he’s out Patrick Peterson is going to take the next WR out of the game so that leaves Bennett at TE as the only viable threat in the passing game. I don’t like the Bears chances.

NE @ Buff: Rex said that everyone wants them to beat the Pats and he is right. Gronk has scored 9 TD’s in 7 games against the Bills but is generally limited against Ryan defenses. McCoy is questionable so we may see a whole lot of Boobie. Buffalo looked amazing last week and in the preseason as well. Brady doesn’t do well against pressure and this Bills D can deliver on that front.

SD @ CIN: The Chargers D held Megatron to 2 catches-can they do the same to Green? Allen, Green, Floyd, Gordon, Woodhead, Oliver and Gates later on-Rivers has a ton of toys to play with this year. Cincy has no injured players! It doesn’t matter. It is very important for Hill to chew up the clock so that Rivers doesn’t get on the field.

Ten @ Cle: The huge story this week is that Terrance West returns to Cleveland to wreak mediocrity and take a seat on the bench. Mariota, huh? What happened last week? McCown is out and Bowe is questionable, which in this business is known as addition by subtraction.

Atl @ NYG: Ryan shouldn’t have any problems unless he’s terrified by invisible pass rushes. Tevin Coleman looks to be the guy in the Falcons backfield. Say a prayer for the Giants secondary-Julio Jones is in town. Vic Beasley against Ereck Flowers-who ya got? There is a 50-50 chance that the Giants could be 0-3 five days from now. (they meet Wash. on Thursday)

StL @ Was: St. Lou ambushed Seattle last week and should take their opponent out behind the woodshed this week. My buddy Cunningham didn’t embarrass himself last week. The jury is still out on Foles though he didn’t throw a pic last week. Rashad Ross scored 4 TD’s in preseason and is looking for his first in real play. He replaces D-Jax this week.

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Smithchez

Man, it would just be super fucking great if Pittsburgh would stop giving the ball to Deangelo Williams

Senor Weaselo

Julio makes phenomenal play, Beckham turns to Eli to ask for an uncatchable pass to haul in.

bourb0nblues

JULIO JONES HOLY SHIT

egomann

Holy shit is right. Jeebus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Thought maybe the factory was closing up shop for the weekend, but FLAG!

Dick E. Phuck

The Saints are so bad, they make Jameis Winston look like post-2004 Daunte Culpepper.

Please don’t do a Bill Rafferty impression.

King Hippo

ONIONS!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

“There’s a long way to go on this one!”

Fox Announcers think they are selling a 42-23 game. Then again…if people are gonna tune in to [insert newest drama]….

Bortleback

Clowney and Cushing with synchronised encroachment there

John Difool

“If the [*Redacted] s hang on….”

The [*Redacted] s hang on about as well as a secondary character to the side of a gasoline tanker in a Mad Max movie.

Old School Zero

WITNESS!

Wakezilla

AH, MEDIOCRE!

Bortleback

You mean Immortan Dan Snyder doesn’t have our best interests at heart?

John Difool

Immortan Dan is actually pretty fucking spot-on.

blaxabbath

Barkley! Put in Matt Barkley! Headline could be, “Barkley defeats Bears!” #MattBarkley

Old School Zero

“Barkley Beats Bears”

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Balltlestar Gallactica.

Horatio Cornblower

“What’s all this about beating bears?”

A. Rodgers

Bortleback

What type of Barkley is best?

Wakezilla

Atlanta Falcons fan is screaming Tuck Rule at their TV right now.

King Hippo

Hey assholes, would it kill ya to throw a 1-yard TD to Brandon Coleman here? And again for teh 2-pointer?

nomonkeyfun

Well, they used to Farva beans as quarterback. I don’t see what’s so strange with that meow.

King Hippo

pityDOWN in Yinzburgh

Sill Bimmons

oh fuck you bills goddammit motherfuck

Horatio Cornblower

Pretty happy I’ve got their D going this week.

Old School Zero

I keep trying to deny the TB-NO score, but it keeps forcing its way into my eyeballs.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

It grabs you, like it has claws or something.

Bortleback

I wonder how many Australians are watching the Niners and wondering why they’re so shit

Ah fuck man.

Sill Bimmons

BOLDIN OOB

blaxabbath

Frosty Rucker is about the least intimidating name for a D Lineman.

So the Bears let him through.

Dick E. Phuck

The 49ers look like a west coast version of the Cleveland Browns. The start-up company of sadness, if you will.

John Difool

Microsad, Sadazon…

Wakezilla

Nah, too much recent success. If anything, they’d be more like the Bills.

blaxabbath

Drop millions into an outfit lead by some foreigner-looking prick who seems to cool to learn how to do things the conventional way? Sounds about right.

Not sure how to explain driving out so much talent though.

Sill Bimmons

Tesla

Recovery Whiskey

They would need more Middle-Out

Sill Bimmons

So I need receivers in the insanity league.

Badly.

I have Carson Palmer and am soliciting trade offers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I need lots of help in the insanity league as well. Only player off limits is Jamaal. Offers welcome.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Can I interest you in a slightly used Charles Johnson model? I don’t need Palmer, though, what else ya got?

blaxabbath

Down 42-20 is an obvious run situation for the Bears.

Senor Weaselo

The Giants on the cusp of icing the game only to lose all the momentum and have the other team drive down the field? Where have I heard that before?

King Hippo

I can’t believe how much of this PIT/SF shitshow has been on RZ

Wakezilla

IceDown

ThePirateSloth

Since I don’t pay for cable, why is Norm now playing as Col Sanders? Did what’s his face from before anger the KFC faithful so much that they had to bring in someone else?

Recovery Whiskey

Finding good Colonel Sanders cosplayers is tough these days.

blaxabbath

Good call. Pretty sure no one expected a Clausen play action.

blaxabbath

Bears D: “What time is the flight to….Seatle?! Awww fuck.”

Recovery Whiskey

But think of all those frequent flyer miles. Think of how much drinking you can do in 4+ hours…

King Hippo

Gee, I know who I’d take in Survivor next week if I weren’t already boned THIS week.

/sobs

blaxabbath

Bears should try returning it 110 yards vs letting Clausen try to drive the ball 80 yards.

Wakezilla

Replace with BC Lions and and Clausen with Lulay and/or Jennings, and that pretty much sums up my favourite CFL football team this season.

fleshwound_NPG

A shitty Bears team is better than the meaningless 7-9 and 8-8 mediocrity of the Cutler Era; a halfway decent draft pick could come from this.

WCS

But, it’s the Bears, so they’ll try to draft Akili Smith.

nomonkeyfun

or Curtis Enis, because you always take a RB with the top pick. Because 85 Bears.

Wakezilla

Commercial break, handoff, commercial break. That sums up a match between the Bengals/Chargers.

Old School Zero

They just want to play into Monday.

King Hippo

Martin – were you at last night’s Men of Troy abortion? Wha happen?

Sill Bimmons

YEAH FASANO WOO

Smithchez

After a long lunch break, production has resumed at the factory. But can they churn out enough sadness to fill the daily quota?

Bortleback

Tell Johnny to clock in and start his shift, and the production will come

Dick E. Phuck

“Yeah, put those Bears out of their misery.”
-Clayton Stoner

John Difool

Gruden had the Rams on the ropes at the end of the first half with the running game and chose to open the second half by going through the air and since then ten unanswered Rams points.
Now who the fuck does that remind you of?

Martin

120 yds of sausage and nary an Aaron Rodgers joke in sight.

comment image

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Bears.

blaxabbath

Hard to blame this D. Their offense has lost the season for them.

Brocky

Holy shit I want to turn this game off. Even the fifty point game against green bay didn’t make me do that

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The exodus is well underway at the bar. Did I mention its a Bears bar?

Are these refs paid by the flag?

Dick E. Phuck

I can’t believe we’ve heard no mention of Captain Munnerlyn’s son, Ensign.

Mother Puncher

“Adam Jones. Dangerous return man.”

You have no idea how correct you are.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Come on, 11 vs 12 doesn’t make up for having to play Clausen.

blaxabbath

If Clausen wants to play DB, snap the ball and hand it off.

blaxabbath

It is time to send in Matt Barkley to hand off the ball for the next 23 minutes.

Martin

He’s really good at handoffs.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

So I sat Ivory because he was questionable for Monday night and my only backup was…Legarratte Blount. I am AWESOME at fantasy football.