Your Week 2 Early Slate of Games Open Thread

Ten mother-lovin’ games? Better get to work…

Car @ Hou: The Hoyer Era lasted a wee bit shorter than the length of one football game. Congrats coaching staff, no matter who you play at QB going forward you’ll have to answer a boatload of questions about the guy you didn’t start. Kuechly’ (no matter how you spell it, it looks wrong) is out today but the Panther D shouldn’t have much of a problem against the Texans. Where’s Greg Olsen? Nowhere to be found last week. He had only two targets.

SF @ Pit: Hyde went bananas last week and Bush is out (surprise!) so look for more of the same. If Kap spies a gap he should be off and running-the Steelers secondary is iffy. TE Davis may be able to take advantage of the same situation. Brown has a minimum 5 catches and 50 yards for an NFL record 33 consecutive games-the second longest active streak is 4. I thought Wheaton would take advantage of Bryant not being around. That has not been the case.

TB @ NO: Both teams are 0-1 but this division battle will have no ramifications in the future. Winston looked overwhelmed last week just as he did in the preseason. Evans should be ready to go-adjust your lineups accordingly. How ’bout that disconnect between lousy QB play and points expected to be garnered by a quality WR in fantasy? Brees threw 48 times last week. The Wolf Man bulldozed the Saints to 31st in the league in total defense last year. I wonder what he’s got up his sleeve this time around. Colston has had a great run but it looks as though his knees have gone the way of the fax machine.

Det @ Min: As we learned last week, Stafford has been in the league X number of years and still gets rattled by blitz packages. The Lions D is goig to fall from a top 5 unit to somewhere in the middle of the pack.As yeah right said, “give AP the damn ball!” That should solve a number of problems for the offence in general and Bridgewater in particular. Maybe the coaching staff had him on a “carry count”? Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.

Ari @ Chi: Ellington is out so Johnson (Chris) and Johnson (David) will clean up the running game. I think Andre will come back to a muddled RBBC situation. Palmer picked up where he left off last season. A Warner-like renaissance for him? I’d like to see it. It’s imperative that Allen get pressure on Palmer early. Jeffrey’s hamstring is acting up-if he’s out Patrick Peterson is going to take the next WR out of the game so that leaves Bennett at TE as the only viable threat in the passing game. I don’t like the Bears chances.

NE @ Buff: Rex said that everyone wants them to beat the Pats and he is right. Gronk has scored 9 TD’s in 7 games against the Bills but is generally limited against Ryan defenses. McCoy is questionable so we may see a whole lot of Boobie. Buffalo looked amazing last week and in the preseason as well. Brady doesn’t do well against pressure and this Bills D can deliver on that front.

SD @ CIN: The Chargers D held Megatron to 2 catches-can they do the same to Green? Allen, Green, Floyd, Gordon, Woodhead, Oliver and Gates later on-Rivers has a ton of toys to play with this year. Cincy has no injured players! It doesn’t matter. It is very important for Hill to chew up the clock so that Rivers doesn’t get on the field.

Ten @ Cle: The huge story this week is that Terrance West returns to Cleveland to wreak mediocrity and take a seat on the bench. Mariota, huh? What happened last week? McCown is out and Bowe is questionable, which in this business is known as addition by subtraction.

Atl @ NYG: Ryan shouldn’t have any problems unless he’s terrified by invisible pass rushes. Tevin Coleman looks to be the guy in the Falcons backfield. Say a prayer for the Giants secondary-Julio Jones is in town. Vic Beasley against Ereck Flowers-who ya got? There is a 50-50 chance that the Giants could be 0-3 five days from now. (they meet Wash. on Thursday)

StL @ Was: St. Lou ambushed Seattle last week and should take their opponent out behind the woodshed this week. My buddy Cunningham didn’t embarrass himself last week. The jury is still out on Foles though he didn’t throw a pic last week. Rashad Ross scored 4 TD’s in preseason and is looking for his first in real play. He replaces D-Jax this week.

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Defensive Back Mike Wallace

The Giants D are using their religious rights and refusing to believe in Jacob Tamme.

Old School Zero

As usual, Chargers making it much harder on themselves with some dumb penalties at the wrong times.

bourb0nblues

I have Buffalo holding on line 1 for you.

Old School Zero

I try to avoid calls from Canada.

blaxabbath

Man, the Bears were actually decent on offense before their abortion of a backup came in.

Bet that fucked someone on FanDuel! FANDUEL! AMERICA’S LEADING ONE-DAY FANTASTY FOOTBALL SITE!

Senor Weaselo

Who the hell picked up Cutler on DuelKings?

Sill Bimmons

Mescaline addicts?

Senor Weaselo

As soon as I wrote that, I thought THAT should be a thing. DuelKings, America’s number 1 bloodsport!

“I’m Aaron Burr and I won a ton of money on DuelKings. And I killed a guy.”

nomonkeyfun

Now you know why the Catholic Church is opposed to abortions.

Recovery Whiskey

Notre Dame grad, there was no abortion. That was just one ugly-ass baby.

Bortleback

They were already fucked when they depended on the Bears

King Hippo

Man, are the Saints ever a sack of monkeyshit

Smithchez

Oh sweet, sweet Manningface. How I’ve missed you.

Wakezilla

Damnit Eli! How many times do I have to tell you to wash your hands after eating a PB &J on the sidleine?

blaxabbath

The announcers for anyone else’s games forcing “quick strike play” 70 times per quarter?

Dick E. Phuck

If anyone wants to find a safer alternative to ambien, just record Texans-Panthers and watch some of it before bed.

WCS

You’ll still wake up driving, because that game leads to suicidal tendencies.

Bortleback

But what about the thrilling Hoyer/Mallet narrative? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…….

Sill Bimmons

I was at a friend’s house on Ambien and ate a whole box of cereal in their kitchen in the middle of the night. No recollection at all.

Sill Bimmons

NO SOUP FOR YOU

Wakezilla

This Shane Vereen, I call Bill Cosby because he’s making things happen running up the A Gap.

Smithchez

A play action rollout to your fourth string TE can’t have been the first play option.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Falcons defense = √−1

Bortleback

Except it’s even harder to imagine

fleshwound_NPG

The “K” official actually tried jumping into the stands to track the ball after it went into the stands after the kickoff.

fleshwound_NPG

At the Bears game, after a fan caught it. NFL full of dicks.

WCS

Those terrible Budweiser commercials, proudly #MACROBREWED? Somehow, ten times worse on the radio.

John Difool

The [*Redacted] s are like an alcoholic dad on Christmas Eve. The first half of the night looks like a Rockwell painting. The second half of the night starts with pissing of the pants and ends with falling into the tree.

Wakezilla

The ref in the Chargers/Bengals game sounds like he’d have a rebel flag on the back of his pickup

Old School Zero

HOEDIG, AWFENCE

Brocky

I personally blame notre dame fans everywhere for how terrible jimmy Clausen is

King Hippo

FUN! Who is the Bears’ emergency QB? Eddie Royal?

nomonkeyfun

But they’ve given up double digits, just like you know who.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Why did Green Bay release Cullen Jenkins ?

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Money I believe.

blaxabbath

Flea flicker TD!

fleshwound_NPG

FIDDYDOWN #2

Sill Bimmons

AP continues to defy the footbaw gawds and get away with it.

Horatio Cornblower

Also Child Protective Services…

blaxabbath

Have these gods switched their stances?

King Hippo

Minny may wanna try to a different back.

bourb0nblues

AP fumble negated by Lions offside.

Dick E. Phuck

Man, the Lions are really whipping AP’s ass.

Smithchez

Child Abuser fumble part deux!

blaxabbath

The Bears letting ARI fans feel how everyone else felt playing against Ryan Lindley last season.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There’s only one solution for this pickle: bring back sexy Rexy

blaxabbath

Gould + Hester + Rexy = Super Bowl

laserguru

After the Bengals kicker Nugent missed a kick earlier in the game my brother said “He just showed his Wang Dang sweet poon tang.”
Can’t beat fun on game day Sunday.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Nothing like a taunting penalty on your first score in a game you’re being dominated in. I’ve missed dumb Kenny Britt.

Martin

Big Ben is raping the Niners like …………. you know.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Jameis Winston?

nomonkeyfun

Leave the nine year olds for me.

-Trestman

blaxabbath

Step aside, Trestman.

-Jared

Wakezilla

Patrick Kane at a Frat house party in Upstate New York?

blaxabbath

Fox announcers trying so hard to hold back their smiles talking about the big hit that injured players on the Bears/Cardinals kick off play.

Smithchez

In the last five minutes, my opponent has scored 61 points. I’ve lost 3.

Wakezilla

As a KSK refugee–seriously, why isn’t the media talking about us, guys? What other refugees are out there that the media deems us more important?– I believe in you and you can do it!

But seeing as you’re a Jets fan, you’re right. Go fuck yourself.

Laces out!

Wakezilla

Elidown!

Apple Juice boxes for everyone!

Dick E. Phuck

The weekly Washington implosion is beginning.

John Difool

You can set an atomic clock by it.

Mother Puncher

Jeremy Hill’s fumble looks like The Rock chasing his grenade at the beginning of Reno 911

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Falcons defense = Slowbro

You really need to beat it into AP concerning the importance of ball security.

blaxabbath

NoMore

talking about the NFL’s unaddressed domestic violence issues.

bourb0nblues

Aaron will secure your balls, free of charge.

Duchess

It’s like today is opposite day for everyone but the Bears and Texans

nomonkeyfun

Then why am I not sober?

King Hippo

Stephen Tulloch? From NC State University!

John Difool

THIS MATT JONES, I CALL JONESTOWN ‘CAUSE HE TOTALLY HAD ME DRINKING THE KOOL-AID IN THE FIRST HALF

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You think the Bears medical staff is trying to give Cutler a cortisone shot and he’s all “Naah, KCav says no needles”?

Wakezilla

What kind of anti-vaxxer is K Cav anyway?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The hot kind.

King Hippo

good thing for him the distemper one works for life

blaxabbath

They announce a status on him?

Clausen being in makes me feel okay about ARI sucking.

WCS

BOSS TODD DEMANDS ALL THE SCREEN PASSES

Sill Bimmons

Seriously, did a colorblind second-grader design the Bucs’ uniforms?

Worst. Uniform. Ever.

Recovery Whiskey

Release the Kravec.

blaxabbath

Worst blank Ever sums up the Bucs pretty well these days.

Sharkbait

Damnit Saints. WTF

King Hippo

There goes my survivor pool

Sharkbait

Join the club. All Ive got are the Saints and Ravens.

Wakezilla

“Someone reading my fan-fic?”

–Aaron Rodgers–

bourb0nblues

Measty play from the Vikes D.

Wakezilla

“Fuck you Dan Foutes, You adulterous asshole! Suck it Sunny J!”

–Philip Rivers after breaking Foutes Chargers TD passing record and trying Sunny for 14th all-time”

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