Your Thursday Night Football Open Thread

[peeks out from under the covers] Has it started yet? No? Who said I was scared? I’m not scared. Maybe it’s YOU that’s scared. [sighs]

Wash @ NYG: The Giants should  be 2-0. Let’s get that out of the way right now. Howevah, The Catastrophic Meltdowns really like the vibe that this team is giving off. As far as Washington is concerned, if this Matt Jones kid is the real thing and Morris keeps going they’ve got a running game that may take them to the NFC East title. Not that that will be a great accomplishment this year. Ain’t sour grapes grand? Cousins’ play is up and down and he doesn’t have D-Jax but the Giants don’t have Rogers-Cromartie so that should be a wash. Beason is ready to give it a go tonight-maybe he’ll make it through the whole game. You just never know, maybe the Giants finally get their *Coughlin* shit *Coughlin* together. We could be looking at another snooze-fest but, “It’s Still Real To Me, Damnit!” What can I say, the scotch is poured. (into an Oktoberfest-sized stein)

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Beerguyrob

“The Giants have scored three ways tonight.”

Somewhere, Tiki Barber’s ears pearked up.

WhyEaglesWhy

Is it me or did Eli throw that 3rd down pass at the Vereen’s feet without even realizing he could have completed that to Vereen for a possible TD?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight, but with this game, and these teams…what choice do I have?

WhyEaglesWhy

Hey, it’s 10:30am here, and I’M thinking about it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Exactly why I’m one beer away from switching to whiskey

Old School Zero

This game would be more appropriately broadcast on Porn Hub with all the sucking Cousins we’re putting up with.

WhyEaglesWhy

At least they’re practicing Safety.

JustStopDude

Really Phill? The Skins are still in it?!?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Skins just two Colt McCoy touchdowns down.

entropy

Nancy Kerrigan was chasing Eli down? With her bad knee?

King Hippo

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

nomonkeyfun

Eli has never gone the first two games of season without an interception. His 85 attempts to start the season is also a personal best. Dear God, he is one of the derpiest franchise QBs in history.

King Hippo

Jeebus, how do you miss THAT?

Stabby Pants

Eli can’t even throw interceptions without underthrowing them.

Old School Zero

“Clearly, that’s an interception.” — Donovan McNabb

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Send in the clowns

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The New York Tall Freaks v. the Capitol Injuns. Love my Thursday.

Mother Puncher

I love that DirectTV commercial.

WhyEaglesWhy

Did Eli just call out “Bloomberg” at the line? Should probably change that to “DeBlasio” this season.

nomonkeyfun

Listening to the game on the radio, after the coin toss, I heard perhaps the most useless PKish factoid.

“Since 2010, the Giants are 0-7 when they win the toss and defer.”

Alright, the first wasted TO.

Sill Bimmons

Decimation: the Roman practice of killing every tenth man in a mutinous unit.

A casualty rate so low that the commanders of a Legion were willing to inflict it on their troops in order to ensure total obedience.

BEING DECIMATED IS NOT ONLY NOT COMPLETELY HORRIBLE BUT COMPLETELY SELF INFLICTED

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decimation_(Roman_army)

WCS

YOU GET A FLAG! AND YOU GET A FLAG! AND YOU GET A FLAG!
http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/underwire/2013/01/oprahbees.gif

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
King Hippo

This game COULD get derpier. Colt McCoy is active, no?

entropy

That ref seems to have fashioned his own larger, more noticeable flag prior to throwing it. Thing was fuckin huge.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Has Berman ever referred to Reuben Randle as “Randle in the Wind”? He must have, right?

entropy

DO NOT GIVE HIM IDEAS!!!

WCS

GET OUT OF MY BRAIN

WCS

DON’T GIVE HIM IDEAS

entropy

Awesome. Great minds, jinx, all that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My dog is looking at me reproachfully for watching this game instead of playing with her, and she’s absolutely right to do so.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

She’s going to start eating her own shit to give you something more entertaining to watch.

nomonkeyfun

Every person who has a dog in their house, should have the goal of being as good of a person as their dog thinks they are.

Perhaps the only inspirational card I’ve ever agreed with.

entropy

No. I still haven’t tried FuckDuel’s Fantasy Asshole weekly contests, you bag of dicks. Get off my TV now.

Mother Puncher

Don’t worry. They’re overcompensating because they know the FCC’s going to shut that shit down in about a month.

The Mighty Feklahr

This is like a “Punting Spookshow”, I half expect a video package from Rob Zombie at halftime talking about the ideas he had for TNF…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’ve only just begun…to derp…

Stabby Pants

Skins, Giants and Refs are having a derp off.

WCS

Each drive more puntier than the last!

Old School Zero

ICRM: a.) How long are you in town?

3.) is this work or business?

~.) what part of town are you in?

...

A. Until Sunday.

3. My stupid company sends me places for no reason, but not Portland. (This is vacation.)

~. I’m in downtown Portland. I’m staying with friends somewhere south of there. I forget the town name.

Old School Zero

Awesome. It is definitely a lovely place to visit. If you’d want to meet up for a beer, I could email you, but I’d imagine you’re full up on your schedule with friends, so no worries.

Voodoo Doughnut sucks, go to Blue Star Donuts instead.

Sill Bimmons

“A bad decision by Kirk Cousins.”

Did anything else happen?

MikeWallaceAndGromit

“He even threw it like a total pussy!”

WCS

Dan Snyder will can the Other Gruden, and name himself head coach.

Senor Weaselo

So this game’s over, right?

Old School Zero

The derps have only just begun.

JustStopDude

Just got off the phone with the boss. Asked if I was willing to go to Mongolia for six months on a job.

“I would not pencil me in for anything long term”

“What the fuck does that mean?!?”

King Hippo

Mongolia? Was North Korea already taken?

JustStopDude

There is a steel mill, literally in the middle of fucking nowhere, that the Chinese government is building.

Millions are being spent on a facility that we are suppose to commission…and it will immediately get shutdown and never operate again. From what I understand, the last three field engineers who have been sent there have all quit.

WCS

Gunnar Keil is awake, and can move his limbs.

WhyEaglesWhy

The Giants have really set themselves a high degree of difficulty for blowing this lead.

The Mighty Feklahr

I bet they fire Chucky’s brother at halftime.

The Mighty Feklahr

Ha ha ha, that made their defense look GD weak.

Stabby Pants

If the Giants are just gonna run the ball, I don’t see how the skins can overcome this lead.

WCS

INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even the players’ moms think this game is a waste of time.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Nah, know what was really a waist of time? That afternoon I spent hours making a belt out of watches.

The Mighty Feklahr

Did Eli not see Harris? Or was there a safety?

WCS

This drive ends with a missed field goal, right?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Arent we all former virgins?

nomonkeyfun

Well, most of us are. I imagine there are few 25 year olds on the site tonight.

Stabby Pants

Between Cousins and Eli, we might see several players threatening the single game interception record.

The Mighty Feklahr

Gotta get the FG, right?

Mother Puncher

SCORAGAMI!

Old School Zero

Figured I needed something a little more potent for this one, so I cracked open my bourbon barrel aged Arrogant Bastard.

/takes a sip

Yes. That’ll do nicely.

...

I’m on the west coast and early football is PK weird. Primetime football at 5 p.m.? Uberweird!

A safety as the first score? I love the NFC East.

The guy next to me at the bar was visiting Uproxx. Do I kill him?

Old School Zero

Depends on what west coast city you are in.

But generally, yes, but make sure it’s quiet.

...

It’s Portland actually.

MAYBE IT’S YOU.

Old School Zero

WHAT? Goddamnit, you gotta tell me this shit. How long are you in town? What goddamn bar are you at?

Can’t be me. I’m on my couch.

...

I’m in Portland through Sunday.

I’m at the Deschutes Public House.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No – invite him here!

King Hippo

if he says no, THEN kill him.

/or if he says “brage”

entropy

I love it that Giants fans are finally feeling the same as Jets fans have for all these years… doesn’t matter how awesome the first three quarters are, every Giants fan knows, deep in their black little hearts, that this team is more than capable of fucking up so monumentally they can erase ANY lead at any time.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What makes you think that Giants fans have little hearts? I would assume they are gigantic, swollen thick with the grease of a thousand slices of pizza and…what else do those CHUDs in New York eat, anyway?

entropy

Point to you, sir. Allow me to amend: “…. in their cavernous, troll-filled, cholesterol-laden bilge pumps of sludge that they call hearts….”

...

Swap Giants for Bears and you’re still 100% right.

Senor Weaselo

Jets-Giants is going to be a scoreless tie, because it’ll also be that point in the year where the Jets fall apart more than usual.

nomonkeyfun

I almost feel like a Pats fan for this, but jelly much.

JK

I remember the Kent Brown and Dave Graham days. God were they awful. We looked on Kerry Collins as our saviour.

Let’s face it, unless your fuckin Yankee fan you know lots of misery.

entropy

Of course I’m fuckin jealous! Jesus the Jets best chance at the Super Bowl in the last decade was MARK FUCKING SANCHEZ!!!

nomonkeyfun

I feel sick just typing that.
I would love to be fuuly involved in this derpfest, my computer has decided to behave like the NFC East. My network is in and out. May be forced to rely on crap “smart” phone.

WCS

There’s going to be more penalties than completions tonight.

entropy

In games like this, if the offending player catches the flag, the penalty should be called back. If it’s on the defense, loss of down and five yards. Offense, replay down with five yard gain.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Technically, that’s the fourth actual punt. Let’s see if this flag makes it 5…