[in the voice of Sir David Attenborough, noted documentarian]
“Here we see the common North American football fan in its lair. Sprawled amongst the bedsheets, it has had a mostly pleasant evening. Recent advances in the field of Dreamology indicate that the visions it has during the night consist primarily of unprotected and consequence-free sex with friend’s wives/husbands, teachers from high school, co-workers, waitresses, bus drivers, hobos, major political figures, deli clerks, people that held the door open, hair dressers, folks at the gym and individuals that have the STOP/SLOW sign at construction sites. There may be others but this area of Dreamology is getting bogged down in details to be honest. As it rises to face a new day it yawns and performs the ritualistic ‘vigorous scratching of the hind quarters’ and of course it must mark its porcelain territory as well.” [to be continued]
NYJ @ Mia: Miami has the home field advantage over in London but Ivory and Revis are back so that should even things out a bit. The Fins D has made Fitz-type (mediocre) QB’s look good. Tyrod and Bortles averaged a 92 QBR in their games against Miami. There’s talk already on fan sites that things are spinning out of control under Philbin. This implies that they were in a controlled spin before the season started which sounds about right. Seriously, a loss here will go quite far in determining how quickly/long they will #occupyAFCEastbasement. Across the field/ocean there’s plenty of huzzahs for Mr. Bowles who has applied a steady hand to the team in general and the D specifically. This sure looks like a sloppy romp by the Jets, doesn’t it?
Hey everyone,
I enjoy playing fantasy football, but don’t have the time commitment for a full season, not to mention it’s so annoying when players get injured and your team sucks. I wish I could draft a new team every week.
Is there anything I can do?
It depends, do you want your long-distance girlfriend to be okay with anal?
Why would her opinion on that matter?
— Jameis W.
“Hmm, do you also have a dangerously low IQ, some disposable income, and a severe gambling addiction?”
–Draftkings Rep
So, the people who hacked into Ashley Madison…Draft Kings is next, right?
“This is Draftkings, welcome to the bankruptcy time.”
Who the hell picks the music for the lead to the commercial breaks?
Seriously Fox…you think THIS song is what the average football fan listens to?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrlfFTS9kGU
I’m starting to think that Adam Vinatieri might be descended from Methuselah.
Or he’s related to Charles Woodson.
Why do the Bills have a train horn for 3rd down? Did they steal it from the hockey Bills because they never get to use it?
It’s LA’s. It gives me PTSD from the 2014 Final.
[*Redacted] s really don’t appreciate a fellow Indian fighting for the pale-faces.
Mmm, so much QB mediocrity.
Seriously thought Gus Bradley was black.
Morning blokes…my options are hoping that Sam Bradford will someone how stop being a walleyed moron or that Alex Smith magically learns how to throw it further than six yards.
Based on what I’m seeing, Smiffy has the better shot.
Matt Hasselbeck is still alive? I mean playing?
I was just about to say that. I can’t believe he’s not dead.
More like Donte Monqueef.
Morning gents. Best feelin in the land is gettin loose Saturday night til the wee hours and waking up Sunday and not feeling pain except for fantasy football pain which is inevitable.
15-yard penalty for celebrating a pick-six.
Fuck you Goodell.
RAPISTPICKSIXCEPTION
It’s a good thing the Steelers already played and Ben has an owie, otherwise I would be confused as to who you were talking about. SMGDH.
Whoo. Started Andrew Luck in both leagues today. Fuck this week already.
Matt Jones looked more like Barnaby Jones running the ball on 3rd & Goal
Barbara: the Oilers must be playing. That ken stabler is such a rogue.
e a g l e s
Quick, who do I root for? The Bills are a divisional rival, but I LOATHE the fucking Giants.
I’m rooting for the Giants but I don’t loathe them and I’ve already shared my Eli story.
Cutler did a good?
CUTLER DID A GOOD!
FUCK YOU JIMMY CLAUSEN!
AND NOTRE DAME FOR THAT MATTER
The followed it up with fucking up the extra point. And I was worried they might win a few games and not get a top 5 draft pick.
Keep the faith, my smut-filled van driving friend. Keep the faith
Wait, Matt Hasselbeck’s the Colts backup?
Bengals wearing orange jerseys with white pants.
http://www.gifwave.com/media/16721_arnold-schwarzenegger-movies-art-haydiroket-sunglasses.gif
HAHAHAHA. How do you convert a 3rd and long? Don’t let Cousins throw!
Oh yay the Bears are playing wooo…
Bears injuring themselves
The [*Redacted] s are starting off the game very [*Redacted] s….
And then did a good.
Who’s the asshole that’s doing a terrible cover of “Stand by Me” in that Ford commercial. I’ll pay (little) for answers.
Black unicorn!
Huzzah, 7-4 RZ split
Real football or not, I’ll take 3-1. See ya in another thread, brotha.
(Yes I watched a fuck ton of Lost this week. It happens)
I’d be willing to bet that anytime Tannehill actually completes a pass, it’s because he massively underthrew it.
Probably game-enderception!
Waka waka waka
Now we know what the “Fozzy Bear” play is.
Well, Fozzie Bear might at least be able to convert a fucking third down.
If you’re gonna hire Norm McDonald, then let him act like Norm McFuckin’Donald!
Gary Busey as Col. Sanders would’ve been epic.
Finally, time for some real football! *turns Eagles vs. [*Redacted] s*
Nevermind….
Just switch it to bears raiders
….wait a minute
Fourteen hours of football is better than 10 1/2 hours of football.
This wasn’t football
Fourteen hours of a football-like substance?
You say “wasn’t” like this game is going to end sometime in the next 600 years
You say that like you forgot the Giants/Cowboys game… Or the Vikings/Niners…. or even the Steelers/Ravens….. we’re getting closer to football, I think. Like Jethro Tull’s black sail, real football is on the horizon.
TV: “Due to NFL Contractual Obligations, we will be leaving this game shortly to move on to your scheduled game.”
?w=420&h=315
If by “contractual obligations” you mean “the Geneva Convention against torture”
Dear god can this game end without all the good players getting injured.
What good players? This is Jets-Dolphins. The good players are on the other side of the Big Water.
After a brief consultation of the score and the comments, it looks like my decision to take things to my storage unit and hang some curtains/pictures instead of watching the morning game was correct. WOO. Also, as a Dolphin is as close to a Shark as the NFL has, I hope there were at least a few good West Side Story jokes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CasgoSJmnI
What questions surrounding Philbin? “What color box will he use to carry his shit to the car tomorrow?”
Will he have to get his own flight home?
I gotta say, although it was Jets-Dolphins, I really appreciate the 9:30am game. Football all day is great.
What’s that, you say, I won’t be able to see the Bears game today? Huzzah! Football all day is great!
As is tradition in England, the losing team’s quarterback will be beheaded.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/c07c4c7e4bfe716006120c2a301439e4/tumblr_nfdk34j7lr1qe8ju4o1_500.gif
Both teams with double-digit penalties? FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD!
Ok my fine invisible friends I need to yield the computer to my son who has waited until the last minute to write his senior project paper, which needs to be 1,500 words and isn’t graded.
I’ve pointed out that under those circumstances the liberal use of the word “very” is very, very, very, very, very, very justified.
I’m pretty sure we could write his paper for him here, in the comment section. What’s the topic?
Has he tried a cool nickname? That right there will get him 5 to 10 extra credit points easy.
Also, use lots of quotes, as long as they’re attributed they’re legit. I never wrote more than half of any non-scientific paper.
LET THIS GAME DIE!
429 yards of offense? Is it too much for a nine yard loss?
Or a big 40 yard pass??
I see the Jets have decided to forgo the handoff and just have Fitzy go in the fetal position to avoid fumbling.
This game is just painful to watch and won’t end
http://i.imgur.com/YLd3gqU.gif