Your Bacon And Egger Early Morning Game Post

[in the voice of Sir David Attenborough, noted documentarian]

“Here we see the common North American football fan in its lair. Sprawled amongst the bedsheets, it has had a mostly pleasant evening. Recent advances in the field of Dreamology indicate that the visions it has during the night consist primarily of unprotected and consequence-free sex with friend’s wives/husbands, teachers from high school, co-workers, waitresses, bus drivers, hobos, major political figures, deli clerks, people that held the door open, hair dressers, folks at the gym and individuals that have the STOP/SLOW sign at construction sites. There may be others but this area of Dreamology is getting bogged down in details to be honest. As it rises to face a new day it yawns and performs the ritualistic ‘vigorous scratching of the hind quarters’ and of course it must mark its porcelain territory as well.” [to be continued]

NYJ @ Mia: Miami has the home field advantage over in London but Ivory and Revis are back so that should even things out a bit. The Fins D has made Fitz-type (mediocre) QB’s look good. Tyrod and Bortles averaged a 92 QBR in their games against Miami. There’s talk already on fan sites that things are spinning out of control under Philbin. This implies that they were in a controlled spin before the season started which sounds about right. Seriously, a loss here will go quite far in determining how quickly/long they will #occupyAFCEastbasement. Across the field/ocean there’s plenty of huzzahs for Mr. Bowles who has applied a steady hand to the team in general and the D specifically. This sure looks like a sloppy romp by the Jets, doesn’t it?

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Dunstan

Hey everyone,
I enjoy playing fantasy football, but don’t have the time commitment for a full season, not to mention it’s so annoying when players get injured and your team sucks. I wish I could draft a new team every week.
Is there anything I can do?

Senor Weaselo

It depends, do you want your long-distance girlfriend to be okay with anal?

Dunstan

Why would her opinion on that matter?
— Jameis W.

Smithchez

“Hmm, do you also have a dangerously low IQ, some disposable income, and a severe gambling addiction?”

–Draftkings Rep

Doktor Zymm

So, the people who hacked into Ashley Madison…Draft Kings is next, right?

John Difool

“This is Draftkings, welcome to the bankruptcy time.”

JustStopDude

Who the hell picks the music for the lead to the commercial breaks?

Seriously Fox…you think THIS song is what the average football fan listens to?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrlfFTS9kGU

The Maestro

I’m starting to think that Adam Vinatieri might be descended from Methuselah.

Lothar of the Hill People

Or he’s related to Charles Woodson.

Senor Weaselo

Why do the Bills have a train horn for 3rd down? Did they steal it from the hockey Bills because they never get to use it?

Sharkbait

It’s LA’s. It gives me PTSD from the 2014 Final.

John Difool

[*Redacted] s really don’t appreciate a fellow Indian fighting for the pale-faces.

Doktor Zymm

Mmm, so much QB mediocrity.

litre_cola

Seriously thought Gus Bradley was black.

JustStopDude

Morning blokes…my options are hoping that Sam Bradford will someone how stop being a walleyed moron or that Alex Smith magically learns how to throw it further than six yards.

Doktor Zymm

Based on what I’m seeing, Smiffy has the better shot.

Smithchez

Matt Hasselbeck is still alive? I mean playing?

Dick E. Phuck

I was just about to say that. I can’t believe he’s not dead.

Dick E. Phuck

More like Donte Monqueef.

litre_cola

Morning gents. Best feelin in the land is gettin loose Saturday night til the wee hours and waking up Sunday and not feeling pain except for fantasy football pain which is inevitable.

Dick E. Phuck

15-yard penalty for celebrating a pick-six.

Fuck you Goodell.

Smithchez

RAPISTPICKSIXCEPTION

Doktor Zymm

It’s a good thing the Steelers already played and Ben has an owie, otherwise I would be confused as to who you were talking about. SMGDH.

Gratliff

Whoo. Started Andrew Luck in both leagues today. Fuck this week already.

John Difool

Matt Jones looked more like Barnaby Jones running the ball on 3rd & Goal

Brocky

Barbara: the Oilers must be playing. That ken stabler is such a rogue.

The Maestro

e a g l e s

Smithchez

Quick, who do I root for? The Bills are a divisional rival, but I LOATHE the fucking Giants.

Senor Weaselo

I’m rooting for the Giants but I don’t loathe them and I’ve already shared my Eli story.

Brocky

Cutler did a good?

CUTLER DID A GOOD!

FUCK YOU JIMMY CLAUSEN!

AND NOTRE DAME FOR THAT MATTER

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The followed it up with fucking up the extra point. And I was worried they might win a few games and not get a top 5 draft pick.

...

Keep the faith, my smut-filled van driving friend. Keep the faith

Senor Weaselo

Wait, Matt Hasselbeck’s the Colts backup?

Redshirt
Doktor Zymm

HAHAHAHA. How do you convert a 3rd and long? Don’t let Cousins throw!

...

Oh yay the Bears are playing wooo…

Brocky

Bears injuring themselves

John Difool

The [*Redacted] s are starting off the game very [*Redacted] s….

John Difool

And then did a good.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Who’s the asshole that’s doing a terrible cover of “Stand by Me” in that Ford commercial. I’ll pay (little) for answers.

Brocky

Black unicorn!

King Hippo

Huzzah, 7-4 RZ split

entropy

Real football or not, I’ll take 3-1. See ya in another thread, brotha.

(Yes I watched a fuck ton of Lost this week. It happens)

blackroseMD1

I’d be willing to bet that anytime Tannehill actually completes a pass, it’s because he massively underthrew it.

Senor Weaselo

Probably game-enderception!

Smithchez

Waka waka waka

King Hippo

Now we know what the “Fozzy Bear” play is.

Dunstan

Well, Fozzie Bear might at least be able to convert a fucking third down.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

If you’re gonna hire Norm McDonald, then let him act like Norm McFuckin’Donald!

John Difool

Gary Busey as Col. Sanders would’ve been epic.

John Difool

Finally, time for some real football! *turns Eagles vs. [*Redacted] s*

Nevermind….

Brocky

Just switch it to bears raiders

….wait a minute

Col. Duke LaCross

Fourteen hours of football is better than 10 1/2 hours of football.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This wasn’t football

Col. Duke LaCross

Fourteen hours of a football-like substance?

Smithchez

You say “wasn’t” like this game is going to end sometime in the next 600 years

entropy

You say that like you forgot the Giants/Cowboys game… Or the Vikings/Niners…. or even the Steelers/Ravens….. we’re getting closer to football, I think. Like Jethro Tull’s black sail, real football is on the horizon.

Redshirt

TV: “Due to NFL Contractual Obligations, we will be leaving this game shortly to move on to your scheduled game.”

comment image?w=420&h=315

Dunstan

If by “contractual obligations” you mean “the Geneva Convention against torture”

Dear god can this game end without all the good players getting injured.

Lothar of the Hill People

What good players? This is Jets-Dolphins. The good players are on the other side of the Big Water.

Doktor Zymm

After a brief consultation of the score and the comments, it looks like my decision to take things to my storage unit and hang some curtains/pictures instead of watching the morning game was correct. WOO. Also, as a Dolphin is as close to a Shark as the NFL has, I hope there were at least a few good West Side Story jokes.

entropy

What questions surrounding Philbin? “What color box will he use to carry his shit to the car tomorrow?”

King Hippo

Will he have to get his own flight home?

Lothar of the Hill People

I gotta say, although it was Jets-Dolphins, I really appreciate the 9:30am game. Football all day is great.

What’s that, you say, I won’t be able to see the Bears game today? Huzzah! Football all day is great!

Smithchez

As is tradition in England, the losing team’s quarterback will be beheaded.

Senor Weaselo

Both teams with double-digit penalties? FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD!

Horatio Cornblower

Ok my fine invisible friends I need to yield the computer to my son who has waited until the last minute to write his senior project paper, which needs to be 1,500 words and isn’t graded.

I’ve pointed out that under those circumstances the liberal use of the word “very” is very, very, very, very, very, very justified.

Doktor Zymm

I’m pretty sure we could write his paper for him here, in the comment section. What’s the topic?

Senor Weaselo

Has he tried a cool nickname? That right there will get him 5 to 10 extra credit points easy.

Doktor Zymm

Also, use lots of quotes, as long as they’re attributed they’re legit. I never wrote more than half of any non-scientific paper.

Sharkbait

LET THIS GAME DIE!

packman_jon

429 yards of offense? Is it too much for a nine yard loss?

The Maestro

Or a big 40 yard pass??

Redshirt

I see the Jets have decided to forgo the handoff and just have Fitzy go in the fetal position to avoid fumbling.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

comment image

This game is just painful to watch and won’t end