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Predicting the next Jets disaster

Changlorious Basterd

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So in the most Jetsiest offseason imaginable, in which the starting DE decided that getting high and driving 100000mph was a safe way to look after a child, their 2nd round draft pick suffered an injury which sounds like he was hit in the chest with a sledgehammer wielded by The Mountain, and (as extensively covered on this site), the breaking of a certain jaw,  what will be the next calamity to befall the Frank Grimes of NFL teams? Here are my predictions:

– Revis covers Marshall so closely in team drills that they somehow fuse together into an unwieldy, useless, well paid monstrosity.

– The team drinks somehow become contaminated with 1900’s disease cholera.

– The team trades for Mark Sanchez.

– Antonio Cromartie’s children realise he can’t name any of them and burn him alive in a poorly constructed Wicker Man at training camp.

– Too many curse words are used at camp, causing the black plague and the emergence of a large demonic dragon.

– The team trades for Tim Tebow.

– Geno Smith recovers for the Dolphins game in Week 4, only to have Suh tear his jaw off completely and frisbee it into the crowd.

– The Jets are sucked into a very localised black hole.

 

What do you think is next for this Jets team?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Anybody know if he is cover under the Jets’ dental plan?

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Curse of Marino

Sal Alosi is rehired and just starts tripping EVERYBODY

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Curse of Marino

I imagine Suh tearing off Smith’s jaw would look alot like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsRhCQTW-Ec

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Don T

scrofula

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Sill Bimmons

smegma

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LeighAnne

Jared Lorenzen has volunteered himself for the job:

“I already look great in green”

https://twitter.com/JaredLorenzen22/status/631240058268299264

Do it, Mr. Maccagnan! Bring the Pillsbury Throwboy back to New York!

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Mike Maccagnan: No! You can’t! The press will think it’s my idea, and then you’ll fire me when it doesn’t work!

Woody Johnson: I don’t care! He said he can still play! Make. The. Call.

[A phone rings somewhere in Sumrall, MS]

Deanna Favre: Hello? … HE’LL BE THERE TOMORROW!

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Sill Bimmons

“It’s the same old story. Team finds QB, Team loses QB, QB finds Team, Team forgets QB, Team remembers QB, QB dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.”

“Goodyear?”

“No, the worst.”

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I lied, Never got those batteries to fix my Wii remote. I need to pretend to be sober for like 3 min til I get them. I really need them now, They finally stopped working. For the last time.

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Lothar of the Hill People

That Naked Gun blimp joke is my go-to whenever a “boy meets girl” story comes up. Bravo.

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Duchess

Ahem… Sex Cannon may soon fly as a JET!!! Make it so world.

http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2015/08/11/report-jets-reach-out-to-rex-grossman/

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Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

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aceg

I want this to happen sooooooooooo badly (for komment purposes alone)…

http://dailyreckoning.com/dr-content/uploads/2014/08/FryeMoney.png

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His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

“The team trades for Tim Tebow”

“No fucking way that will ever happen”. -Lord Revisisle 2012

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Dick E. Phuck

I dunno, something having to do with Malaysia Airlines.

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aceg

I love this… am I going to hell?

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Kungjitsu

10 weeks from now Geno Smith comes back… against the Patriots with Tom Brady having a full game to shake off the rust (if he serves his full suspension). Pats 548 Jets -9

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This seems off. Are the Patriots kicking field goals or making 2 point conversions

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All the Farts

I would bid $100 for geno’s jaw and get Suh to autograph it.

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Duchess

It’s pretty amazing how much of self-loathing goes on around here. This kommunity has a lot of Bears or Jets fans whose only way of coping with what most would consider a depressing sports viewing experience is sarcasm, alcohol, and the thought “at least I don’t root for the Browns”

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I watch the Bears with optimism and hopes they go 16-0. I mock the shit out of myself and them so when they go 6-10 I am cool with it.

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Duchess

I think most Bears fans are in the whole 7-9 or 9-7 mindset.

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Lothar of the Hill People

9-7 would be cause for great celebration in my house.

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...

It’s funny, I remember a discussion in that I think was before the 2009 season about the Bears with a fan (randomly, he was not from Chicago or even Illinois, but Ohio and was somehow a Bears fan who owned both Enis and Cox jerseys) and it went something like this.

Him: So, we finally have a quarterback that might be good and–

Me: 7-9.

Him: Well, our defense is still good and I–

Me: 7-9.

Him: And Lovie Smith has taken us to a Super Bowl be-

Me: 7-9. … Okay maybe 9-7.

The predictable mediocrity under Lovie was palpable.

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...

Plus, some of us are Cubs fans.

🙁

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indieguy

All I have is sarcasm and alcohol

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t forget us Raiders fans!

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I try to remember you, but it is fleeting. Back to Raiders fans only existing as assholes that beat people up. Probably stab someone.

… Oh Hi Rikki, what is going on?

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Sill Bimmons

Being a Steeler fan has been instrumental in my continued abstinence from alcohol.

That and delicious, delicious weed.

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Lothar of the Hill People

No glaucoma for Sill!

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Sill Bimmons

Sadly, that’s actually a myth.

THC is a poor substitute for the current gold standards in glaucoma treatments:

prostaglandin analogues
alpha-agonists
beta-blockers

It doesn’t hurt, though!

It’s all about disc perfusion.

/IOP 21mmHg (high)
//C/D 0.2 (low)

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...

You know, the Bears are just one magical 1985 away from being the Browns.

I try not to think about that much.

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IronAvenger6491

“The Jets are sucked into a very localised black hole.”

Ah, so zombie Al Davis buys them.

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Bloody Lethal

The next Jets disaster is that they have a great opener against the BROWNS. Everyone has a great game. Ryan Fitzpatrick is the truth. Whatever dreadlocked running back they trot out is the new Curtis Martin. The defense didn’t need Rex Ryan, they are so good.

Then they have to play again the next week…

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Enrico Pallazzo

One thing that the Jets can’t do is make their fuel melt steel IMO.

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Horatio Cornblower

I would say that the only way this could get any worse for the Jets is if Geno Smith makes a swift recovery.

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laserguru

The defense outperforms the offense so dramatically that the offense is removed and the defense plays both side of the ball.

This might actually be an improvement.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Don’t bring up the 2006 Bears now, we are talking about the Jets losing a “Quarterback”

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All the Farts

But the 2006 bears had sexy rexy

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I watched that game in a hotel basically across the street from John Wayne Airport. I was doing job training for a month at a place within walking distance of the hotel. I flew in and out of LAX which was like 4 hours both ways on a shuttle. Just wanted to bitch about that.

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Warthog

I was missing PK’s travel notes. Thanks for filling the void.

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SonOfSpam

PREDICTING THE NEXT JETS DISASTER

“Well, this looks stupid and boring. Next.”

– GW Bush, August 6, 2001

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Sharkbait

Chad Pennington hired as QB coach, kidnaps Fitz, names self starter

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Bloody Lethal

/No one knows the difference.

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Cuntler

This is easy. Tebow AND Sanchez. Reunited, and it feels so good…

http://jetsrant.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/tebowschtoink.gif

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makeitsnowondem

/cums

— CNN

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Old School Zero

oh goddamnit

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scotchnaut

Under cover of darkness, Woody Johnson packs up the team and moves them to somewhere in Kansas.

/”Ladies and gentlemen, welcome your Wichita Silos!”

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

They acquiesce and change their name to The New Jersey Jets

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Bring Back Matt!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER0yN7328xc&feature=youtu.be

Sorry, was kinda relevant. Ok, fine. I will go away

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Sep

But then we wouldn’t have the Fantasy War Room with him and Nick Stevens. This is not sarcasm, by the way.

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Old School Zero

The return of Eric Mangini.

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King Hippo

His guest appearance on The Sopranos still amuses me greatly. Tony read that one really, really wrong.

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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s not the only thing he read wrong. He should have never ordered those onion rings at the diner.

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ballsofsteelandfury

The entire Jets coaching staff misses Week 1 game because their erections are lasting for more than 4 hours.

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ballsofsteelandfury

All the fax machines in the Jets front office suddenly stop working and a trade for a serviceable and capable QB falls apart.

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Changlorious Basterd

I have to hope that after the Dumervil debacle no team would actually still rely on fax machines…

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ballsofsteelandfury

From what I understand, they still do. I don’t know why.

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Old School Zero

New joint ownership: Donald Trump and Chris Christie.

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makeitsnowondem

I thought Christie was opposed to joint ownership.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Man, you can’t, like, OWN joints…”

– Randy Gregory

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