Minnesota Vikings preview: winter is almost over

Narrator: Chief Long Suffering

For thousands of years my people have dwelled on this land. It is a powerful land. It is full of the spirits that have been a part of our lives since the beginning. It can at times be joyful and life sustaining and it can also be cold, harsh and unforgiving. There are even times when the land can be almost uninhabitable. We’ve had years and even decades of barrenness and famine. The land is not for the weak-hearted. My people have never been accused of being soft. I can’t always say the same thing about our football team.

Many years ago this land and our team was strong. During the Purple People Eaters era we were feared, admired and respected. None of our foes wanted to travel here during Winter and play our team. We were formidable. Alas, despite 4 appearances we have no trophy to show for it. During this era our land prospered. The ground was lush and green and buffalo roamed freely.

Our people grew up healthy and happy. The buffalo were so plentiful you could feel the vibrations of the thundering herds through the Earth from many miles away.

We have not always wanted to share our riches or our land with outsiders. Many times we fought off the invaders with great ferocity and brutal methods. We fought to restore our lives and our lands. All invaders where shunned and met with an iron fist, until the Wah-see’-chon-wee-ahn or blonde haired ladies from Scandinavia arrived, these were spared because holy shit these women were hot!

As with life, nothing good can ever stay. A harsh winter began and it lasted for many years. My people called it Ohs’-nee, or very cold. We froze in our Tee-pees and the land grew barren. Many young lives came and went without knowing the good times, without knowing success, we called these times Oh-see’-chee or very bad. We had some years when the frost appeared to weaken and we were given in to hope. Our hope was fleeting and it was a false hope. We suffered greatly and produced a poor list of quarterback saviors during these times. Names like Tommy Kramer, Steve Dils, Wade Wilson, Rich Gannon, recycled Jim McMahon, and Warren Moon did not lead us to the promised land. They did not strike fear in the hearts of our enemies.

During the winter of 1998 there was a thaw that brought a warmth unfelt for many years. It was true, many of us knew in our hearts that the great winter was over. We had the strongest crops in a generation, hope appeared everywhere. Our hearts lifted in song and spirit. We were certain we had reached the end of our trials. Then as we were ready to start our harvest and as we were preparing for a mighty feast and celebration we were cut short by this Shoon-sho’-lah-ee-kee”-pu-son-su’-su-e-a-ah’-su or jackass.

What an asshole.

The land again became harsh, the winds blew cold and my people suffered again.

During years of hardship the weaker people can be led to temptation, to desperation. On our lands the spirits are always strong, both the good and the bad. Our darker spirits use desperation and hardship as opportunity. Many of us will not give in to the evil forces that surround us. But harsh times and long hardship can weaken resolve even in the hearts of the leadership.

Dark forces were summoned and our leaders did the unspeakable and gave into the evil forces.

Many of our tribe knew this to be wrong. Knew this amounted to the selling of our souls and knew that we would be shunned in the afterlife. I knew that I could not support such a choice. But the winter began to thaw and the crops began to come back, full and lush. The berries and grains had a sulphurous taste and were not life sustaining but our leaders said “They sure do look good on the vine, don’t they?” Many of us who did not support this idea began to distrust the leadership. We despised the false demon and called him names behind his back. Names like Wahn-hee’pay chech or “Hung like prairie dog”.

We also called him Hoh’-tah Pay’-hee Wee’-ahn or “Old Grey Haired Bitch”. We knew we could celebrate no deliverance with the evil one in charge. Our suspicions proved correct and the winter returned with a harshness and a vengeance never experienced by my tribe. The team lost in a most brutal and heart breaking way.

The land grew barren again.

Recently my people claim to have seen new growth in the forest. They claim to feel warmer.

/Slight rumble in the distance.

You see, we have had strong drafts recently. Tribal members like Everson Griffin, Anthony Barr, Xavier Rhodes, Kyle Rudolph, Harrison Smith, Matt Kalil (tribal jury still out on that one), Jarius Wright, Sharrif Floyd and others have brought smiles to our faces and hope to our hearts. The tribe may be correct and it hasn’t felt as cold.

//rumble increases

It’s funny but I almost felt a rumble in the Earth that I haven’t felt since the olden days. Some of our children claim to have seen buffalo returning to our lands but I could be getting confused with nostalgia.

Then last year we brought in a new member who many claim will be a great leader to our people for many years to come. He has a powerful tribal name of Teddy Bridgewater and has shown strength in both decision and accuracy and could be our leader of the future. Many of our bitter old tribal members who supported “He who shall not be named” are skeptical. They say our new leader may not have enough Woblublu or “grit”. I think they are stuck in the past and need to stop being so goddamn racist.

///rumble gets noticeably louder.

I am certain I heard something this time. Could it be true? Could our herds be returning? Will the Winter finally thaw?

Just this year our tribe grew again with the draft picks of Trae Waynes to man the CB position, Eric Kendricks to man the long abandoned “Mike” position, a possible steal in the 3rd round with Danielle Hunter at DE, and a possible road grader of an OT with T.J Clemmings. Our receiver depth has increased with Mike Wallace coming on board and we may have the fastest tribe of WRs in the game. The defense should be fierce and the sacks plentiful.

Our tribal leaders are feeling such optimism they have decided to build a new Wokheya or tribal lodge.

Their optimism must be very high.

I like many of the pieces on this team and could have very high optimism if we could only add one more truly frightening and unstoppable force to the offense.

////rumble is as loud as a freight train

Could it be? It feels like it’s right behind me.

/turns around

/is absolutely trucked by AD and sent flying.

This shit is going to be fun. 10-6 and just miss the playoffs on a last second agonizing loss on the last game of the year.

Authors notes: The language used in the post are actual words from the Lakota Peoples language and is the indigenous peoples language of the region.

My paternal great grandmother was full blood Cherokee and my maternal grandfather was Choctaw so don’t be calling me racist, dammit.

The kachina pictured is called “Priest Killer” and was a spirit that was summoned when the missionaries tried to convert some of the tribes to Catholicism. Do I own one of these beauties?

Oh heck yah!