Your Early Slate Open Thread

We’re more than half way through the regular season. I’ve had a great time so far-oh, if my bottles of scotch could talk…they probably wouldn’t slur their words like I do. Moving on-

GB @ Car: Rodgers is sacked/pressured almost 40% of the time he drops back to pass and he faces another quality D that can really bring it. Lacy needs to stop with the donuts and start with the knockin’ defenders backwards. More good news for GB-starting CB’s Shields and Rollins are doubtful for the game. 7-0 Carolina is an underdog at home. This is only the second time since 1990 that has occurred. The Panthers are hoping that a potential win has nothing to do with WR Ginn, otherwise it will slip through their fingers.

Was @ NE: WE ARE ALL [INSERT TEAM HERE] FANS TODAY goes the refrain whenever someone plays the Pats. Actually, the Slurs don’t stand a damn chance and I’m not going to waste my time bothering to side with them. 20 TD’s and 1 Intercept-Br*dy’s playing at a ridiculous level. I hope he gets leveled.

Ten @ NO: Somethingberger goes back to the bench ’cause Mariota is able to play this week. Will Mularkey have the same effect on the Titans as Campbell had on the Fins? We’ll find out real quick. We’ll also find out what happens when a soft, squishy object collides with a vulnerable not-force. That would be a Titans WR group of draft bust Hunter, nobody Green-Beckham, lousy as hell Douglas and practice squadder Richardson clashing with a colander disguised as a Rob Ryan-led Saints secondary. Watson? Snead? Who are these people and what has Brees done with them? Well, made them relevant for one thing. That should continue as Titans CB’s McCourty and Wreh-Wilson aren’t likely to play.

Mia @ Buf: With DE Wake gone Miami’s sack rate drops from 7% down to 1.8%. The good news is that Bills QB Taylor gets sacked at the 5th highest rate of all players at his position. To no one’s surprise Harvin has gone over to the IR. Actually, that hip injury that he’s been dealing with for a few years now is a bit troubling. It sounds like a chronic condition and I’ll bet he’ll have mobility issues even earlier than the average retired football player. LB Brown and DE Dareus have been vocal in their criticism of Ryan’s “complicated” D packages. Given the talent on this D there’s no excuse for these guys not being a top 8 unit.

StL @ Min: Gurley is averaging 115 yds. per game but he’ll struggle to reach that in this game unless he breaks a long one. Hats off to Gregg Williams (?) of all people for making the Saint Looey D the 5th ranked in the league. I very much like the way these teams match up-they’re the 1st and 4th ranked red zone D’s, have strong running games and middling QB’s that will be running for their lives all afternoon. Sounds like a raucous, hard-hitting, low-scoring affair-just like a night on the town with Greg Hardy. Football Outsiders ranks Minny’s first seven games of the season as the easiest in the NFL. The kicker? They rate the Vikes remaining sked as the toughest.

Jax @ NYJ: One of these two teams leads the league defensively in fewest yards per rush and it isn’t the Jets. That’s right, the Jags did a good. Bortles still hasn’t won a road game in his career and it’s not likely to happen today but he has improved his QBR rating by 21 points on enemy fields. Progress! (is slow) Speaking of highly-ranked D’s the Jets come in at #2 overall. Revis will take WR Robinson out of the game so Hurns should get him some. At least that’s what my fantasy brain is telling me. Of course a Jets blog says they have no one to cover TE Thomas so I’m sure he’ll steal all the points.

Oak @ Pit: The Raiders have a winning record against only one team over the last ten years. Guess who they’re 4-1 against? Go ahead, I’ll wait. Good on you QB Carr-he’s improved his QBR from 28th (38.2) last year to 11th (65.8) this year. I don’t think anyone outside his mom and dad could have seen that coming. The Steel Sieve is 26th against the pass so WR’s Cooper and Crabtree have some easy catchin’ to do. The Steelers defensive captain Heyward will play Sunday despite seeing the birth of his first-born yesterday. Gotta hand it to him for going back out there so soon after seeing the old placenta plop onto the floor of the delivery room. (that sorta stuff stays with you, man) Beware WR Brown now that Ben is back. It’s just a matter of time before the both of them go off big time.

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
874 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
King Hippo

1:12, UNDER WINS!

Sill Bimmons

Touching A Patriots Player, Eleventy Billion Yards, Automatic Touchdown.

Romonobyl

Plus the starting lineup is ejected.

entropy

That was the biggest bullshit call of the season.

Gratliff

Skins are so fucked. This is going to be amazing.

Sharkbait

Football is much more entertaining when you can drink.

Sharkbait

Football isnt as entertaining as it is when you’re drinking.

Romonobyl

Nothing is.

JustStopDude

Deon Louis is going to be curbed stomped by Belli-jerk….

King Hippo

Hope that gets him benched (fantasy purposes).

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Cam: I don’t know who this Capers is, but I like him!

Sill Bimmons

Goes well with salmon.

Sill Bimmons

BORTLESCRAMBLE

Senor Weaselo

Come on guys, when the Jags abortle and the QB goes and scrambles, you have to stop that.

I’ll see myself out.

King Hippo

I think the Donks mighta broke GB last week.

Gratliff

Easily my favorite liartown picture.

JustStopDude

The dude is brilliant.

Sill Bimmons

GRITSCRAPULAR

Doktor Zymm

This Greg Olsen guy is pretty good.

JustStopDude

Shit so torn…I love me seeing the Skins lose. But I naturally, like any true blooded American, hate the Patriots for everything they stand for.

Fuck it…gonna just get drunk…

Gratliff

6 yard QB sneak? Some solid Packers D right there.

Gratliff

Not a safe way to hold for the extra point

Senor Weaselo

Good morning Krusty Krew! This is already looking like a typical Jets midseason game.

King Hippo

I started gimpy Diggs against the Rams over Ginn (possible NOBYL Prize winner??) and James Jones.

Yes, these were really my choices. I suck.

Doktor Zymm

This has been a stressful morning. I did learn that I can safely carry 40 lbs down a ladder, unfortunately I learned this because my living room ceiling fan is apparently super old and was installed in such a way that it was hanging from the canopy. Which I removed to try and check the wiring. The fan is apparently old enough that there are no user manuals available for it online. I’m not putting this one back up, so now I get to decide, new ceiling fan, or just a light fixture?
Also, this had to happen the week of DC’s whupping at the hands of NE? Fuck it, I’m watching GB/Panthers and pretending it’s the only game happening right now.

entropy

Ceiling fans are a pain in the ass.

On an unrelated note, thanks to you bringing it to the front of my mind, I read The Shepherd’s Crown yesterday. I liked it rather a lot more than I thought I would, and while I wish the man hadn’t died, I’m OK with this being the final book. Seems like he got to end it on his own terms, in a way,made spite there being other stories he had planned.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, you could tell he was wrapping stuff up a bit. Though I do really want to know where he was going with bringing Eskerina back.

entropy

That was wildly unexpected. I like the little touches with the Patrician, too, and Death is pretty incredible during his scene.

My biggest regret is not knowing what would have happened in that second Amazing Maurice novel..

Romonobyl

Oscillating floor fan time.

Doktor Zymm

This is looking like a likely option.

Sill Bimmons

Wait, you can get paid for that?

King Hippo

The over/under for when the [*Redacted] s will go behind for good is 1:13.

WHO YA GOT???

Gratliff

Oh shit. It’s already game time. Time flies when you’re mocking religious zealots for wanting coffee cups that openly declare their love for all things Jesusy.

Sill Bimmons

Give them quotes from Judges.

Sill Bimmons

REDZONE WILL BEGIN IN TEN SECONDS

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Speaking of SNL, why can’t someone like Chris Parnell be an NFL announcer?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Mn8-1JpaDE

bourb0nblues

I always liked Greg Stink.

Who wants to shave Joe Buck’s beard off?

King Hippo

Never mind Troy, he will just be masturbating quietly in the corner.

Moonbatting Average

Can we just shave his entire head off?

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Can I do it in a hazmat suit? I don’t want to touch him.

entropy

I read that as “saw Joe Buck’s head off,” and oddly still have no problem with helping. Redshirt, dig that hole a little deeper, please.

King Hippo

Come on, Waiver Wire All-Stars. Do a thing!

Redshirt

I don’t want that piece of crap in my father’s backyard.

Just nuke him from orbit. Its the only way to be sure.

Sill Bimmons

So if I’m here and you’re here, doesn’t that make this OUR time?

ThePirateSloth

It’s our time down here. And we all float.

Redshirt

My dad just called and asked me to come over and help me dig a hole in his backyard. Should I be concerned?

entropy

Depends. Did he ask you stop for some lye on the way?

Smithchez

Just keep him in front of you and out of swinging distance and you’ll be fine.

Sharkbait

Implying the word “run” in beer run is athletic is just like the “salad” in taco salad implying health food.

entropy

WHERE DO I GET SOME

Smithchez

That can’t be real.

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

entropy

Yo.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Morning fellow Commentists. I have a few observations about SNL (yeah, I’m a masochist):

1. I usually don’t mind when SNL gets someone like Trump to be a host, but I do mind when said host is too triflin’ to be funny.

2. Can Lorne take another swing at finding a black female cast, because Leslie Jones and Sasheer Zamata are both equally terrible. Jones is becoming more offensive than the Dumbo black crows, whereas Zamata is the female Josh Freeman: easy on the eyes, but easier to forget.

3. I like Michael Che. #CancelJost

bourb0nblues

I actually like Zamata. Just wish she would get more play.

JustStopDude

Eh…I wish they would just kill off SNL already. The show was never as good as people remember it. For every good skit, there was at least 4 or 5 that were terrible.

And SNL has never been all that cutting edge.

entropy

Truth. That’s pretty much why EVERY “Best of….” compilation video topped out at 43-50 minutes, despite a player being on the show for over 7 years.

And quite frankly, as much as I always found Jon Belushi funny, the “cheeseburger” sketch is idiotic and goes on too long.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Odds are SNL will go once Lorne goes. Remember the first time he tried to leave SNL?

entropy

I know what you typed in items 2 & 3 are technically sentences in the Enflosh language, but I have no idea what they mean. I feel this is a real gap in my knowledge and that bothers me.

entropy

Enflosh? I’m on an IPAD, which force-corrects the word “fuck” despite it being 2015, and it ignored “Enflosh?” What the actual fuck

What TV institution has declined more precipitously: SNL or Simpsons?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Simpsons. SNL was hit or miss, even at it’s best, and sooner or later they’ll find another comedic gem.

entropy

Simpsons has been mined for all the comedy it contained. I think it’s time to put it to bed. SNL has the occasionally inspired digital shorts, which made it somewhat relevant again for a year two after Simpsons fell off.

entropy

Odd moment of personal discovery: I’ve found that drinking mixed drinks at home makes it much more difficult for me to get drunk. Takes twice as long. However, mixing beer and shots of the same liquor I would have mixed into something else gets the job done quickly.

I’m drinking beers and shots, is what I’m telling you. And it’s cheap beer and bad vodka, so today is gonna be a bad one for the neighbors if the Jets shit the bed.

Gratliff

Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk aren’t as interesting together when they’re not ripping out earpieces and walking off Inside the NFL interviews

bourb0nblues

Yesterday I brewed stout and won a poker game with friends. This morning I cleaned two bathrooms from top to bottom. I think all this activity calls for 12 hours of sitting, snacking and drinking.

Redshirt

Once again the Steelers spare me from another CBS’s commentators performance of “50 Shades of Brady”. Thank you, Steeler Nation.

Gratliff

I’m here to watch DC fans kill themselves in real time

JustStopDude

Morning gentlemen and ladies. I hope you and yours are well.

Fuck n’ A its been a week. Drove all the way from Scranton PA back to Roanoke Va only to find out that the kid I gave my apartment key to so he could feed my parrot took the key with him to North Carolina. So I got to add 8 hours onto my trip.

Redshirt

Solution: Tell the kid to drive north for four hours and meet you halfway.

JustStopDude

Oh it got better. So it was some recruitment thing for the company so he says he HAS to be there. Can’t leave.

I get down there at around 9pm (been driving since 6am). Dude has his fucking phone off. So I get to drive around a fucking college campus for 30 minutes until I can find the stupid building. I walk in and see that like 9 of our sales people are there. It was a fucking pointless meet and greet.

I was shaking with rage…

entropy

You should really listen to your own screen name at some point, as far as this company is concerned.

bourb0nblues

Salutations

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Howdy, gents. I know I’m torturing myself by even watching ESPN’s NFL Sunday Countdown, but this is fucking disgusting. They rolled out one woman to defend Greg Hardy playing, and she decided to say that we didn’t need pictures to know what happened with Aaron Hernandez. Now she’s ranting about being pro-big business.

Horatio Cornblower

Look, Janay Rice needs to work too OK?

Horatio Cornblower

Adams, although neither choice gives me a boner.

theeWeeBabySeamus

This is my favorite Sunday yet this fall….

1. I don’t have to sit thru a Ravens’ circle jerk loss.
2. College basketball (sort of) live and in person.

Only drawback is no alkyhol ’til l8r, but worth it.
I’ll catch you fellow drunkards for the late games though.

theeWeeBabySeamus

DII bottom feeder Cal St LA for us.
Hence the qualifier of “sort of” college basketball.

entropy

I climbed every flight of stairs in my home.

TWICE.

That’s right, I’m athletic AND forgetful.

Horatio Cornblower

I raked and hauled a shitload of leaves. Debating if that’s enough to justify skipping the gym.

Spurs take the lead.

Horatio Cornblower

Arsenal’s German guy “Murdersacker”, has the best name of all time. And no, I don’t want to know how he really spells it.

Sharkbait

Greetings from the wonderful world of television.

I get the joy of working 12 hours today but at least I get
/checks games

No GB or NE?

Shit.

Bugg

If the Raiders are “Just win baby!”, the Jets are “Will you stop fucking this up again?”

entropy

“Just Let Me Keep My Hope. Please.”

Horatio Cornblower

“Still High From The Mets Making The WS So Yeah Go Ahead And Start Geno Smith, We Could Use A Laugh”

laserguru

My two teamer today is Steelers and Vikings to cover. I may be a pathetic Homer but I’m predicting Minnesota to destroy the lambs hastening their return to LA.
Inglewood is ready for a team, they just repainted the Sizzler.

Horatio Cornblower

Shit like scotchnaut’s comment are why I love you Cretans.

laserguru

That’s Tom Cruise parked outside your window, scotchy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I am delighted to welcome you back from defeating the cretins at Sparta….make that the Spartans at Crete!

Redshirt

THIS EARLY GAME OPEN THREAD, I CALL IT DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTERS BECAUSE WE ARE OPENLY ROOTING FOR THE RACIST!!!

King Hippo

A grim reminder that although there are few things in life worse than racism, the P*ts are one of them.

entropy

I don’t think the word “grim” is used enough in today’s society. Also, “beliigerent,” which is the only word that seems to approach its meaning as you say it.

1 2 3 10