With apologies to The Mighty MJD, I’m going to chronicle our day at the Sports Bar Smorgasbord-style.
DATELINE – PASADENA, CALIFORNIA, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2015
9:30 AM – I park at the parking structure and begin the walk to our bar of choice located in beautiful Old Town Pasadena. I won’t name it, but you should be able to narrow it down to two places if you know the area and have been to Old Town Pasadena bars.
9:32 – I pass by Lucky Baldwins’ where they are showing the Liverpool match. It is 1-1 late in the second half and the outside crowd of Red supporters is loud and boisterous. My guess is they’ve been drinking and watching soccer since the legally-allowed hour of 6 AM. The Raiders fans of soccer?
9:37 – Rikki Tikki Deadly and I arrive at pretty much the same exact time at the bar and find a couple of seats in front of the screen showing the Raiders/Steelers game. The screens (of which there are many) are labeled showing which game will be shown. We are amused by the fact that the Jacksonville-Jets derpfest is labeled “Jax-ville/NYJets”. There are so many unnecessary letters there.
9:48 – All of our bartenders today have extensive tattoo work. They are treating us well. They are all ladies and the wait staff is also all ladies. This bar knows where its bread is buttered.
9:50 – That NFC East song by Rob Riggle was pretty funny. Even funnier is the fact we have an old lady in a RG3 jersey to our left that is getting a kick out of it.
9:52 – Redskins lady has a pack of smokes in front of her and looks like she’s lived a hard life. I’m guessing being a Redskins fan has contributed a lot to that.
9:54 – Among the crowd today is a guy wearing a New England-era Doug Flutie jersey sitting with a guy that looks like Kenny Stabler’s long-lost twin. Sort of a Rex/Rob thing if The Snake hadn’t actually eaten his twin brother in the womb. (May not be a true fact.)
9:56 – There is a hipster waitress/bartender here wearing a purple felt hat and a Miami Dolphins t-shirt. She’s not really my type, but is clearly into making bad choices, so I feel I may have a chance.
10:01 – There is a girl in a Gronk jersey that I can already tell will entertain us greatly. Think Lindsay from You’re the Worst.
10:02 – The new guy the Steelers just picked up off waivers from San Diego just fumbled the kickoff before recovering it. He probably still thinks he’s on the Chargers.
10:03 – Redskins lady lets out the first “Let’s Go Red-Skins” chant. I like her optimism.
10:04 – Gronk girl is the loudest one in the bar. Quelle surprise.
10:09 – Dion Lewis drops a sure TD pass from Brady. Gronk girl hates him and lets the entire bar know.
10:11 – Latavius Murray goes for a big run. The bar erupts in cheers. Raider Nation is definitely in the house. This, my friends, is why the league should not allow the Raiders to move back to Southern California. Bars will go under if the games are blocked out and they will be blocked out because Raider fans can’t afford season tickets.
10:12 – Crabtree scores a TD. Incidentally, both RTD and I think this game will be settled by a last-second field goal. We’re not sure who wins, but we are sure it will end like that.
10:20 – “Genius move by the Steelers to put Darius Heyward-Bey on punt coverage! That way he doesn’t have to catch the ball.” – RTD
10:22 – The Raiders’ Smith soccers the ball out of bounds after a Raider fumble. Very smart play. These are not the same old Raiders.
10:31 – Those Macy’s furniture commercials with the woman lying on the couch with her shoes on are reminding me of the Rick James True Hollywood Story.
10:32 – Richard Rogers TD and the room claps. We both wonder if the reason for the clapping is Fantasy Football. I’m clapping for Rogers the tight end. Make your own gay sex joke.
10:41 – Back to back derpalicious plays. First, New Orleans gifts Tennessee a TD by running into each other and ruining a sure interception. Then, Brady throws a sure pick six but the Washington DB is so awed by his handsomeness that he trips over him. Redskins lady is as non-plussed as Jim Caldwell. Gronk girl is quiet for the first time all day.
10:44 – “Jags: #Forever32” – RTD
10:47 – DeAngelo Williams scores a TD for the Steelers. The bar is quiet except for one solitary table on the end. I thought I was the only Steeler fan in the place. BTW, I’m wearing my Hines Ward jersey. I regret not bringing the Roethlisberger. I feel it would fit in better with this Raiders crowd.
10:51 – Redskins lady brought her own white powder in a small tupperware container. Your guess is as good as mine.
10:52 – There is a pickup attempt happening directly to my right. There is a service bay in between me and the girl, so I can’t really hear, but I’ll try to keep you posted. The girl: a short thin Asian with possibly fake boobs or a really good bra. The guy: tall, goofy-looking, and white wearing an Angel City Brewing Co. t-shirt. He certainly picked the right target. In this neck of the woods, Asian girls LOVE tall white guys.
10:56 – Another sign that these are the new Raiders. In other years, that punt bounces off the three Raiders surrounding it and goes into the endzone for a touchback. This year, they down it at the two. It’s the little things.
10:59 – Laughter erupts. I ask RTD, “What happened?” He deadpans, “Jags.”
11:00 – Pickup attempt is ongoing. Gotta give the guy credit. He is working hard. #lunchpail #grit
11:07 – Steelers forget to cover Amari Cooper for a wide open TD. The crowd erupts.
11:12 – Replay of Immaculate Reception is shown on the Raiders/Steelers telecast. Those of you taking the over on 1 hour in, please collect your winnings at the window.
11:13 – It seems the pickup attempt is succeeding as the dude just pulled up a chair. It’s sticking out into the service bay, which is ordinarily a no-no, but the lady bartenders are giving him a break. They asked the girl if she was alright and she said yes. Girl code exemplified.
11:31 – Halftime everywhere except for Raiders-Steelers. Pro: the bathrooms will be free when it’s our turn to go. Con: God knows what shape they’ll be in.
11:42 – It’s finally halftime. I’m happy to report that the bathroom is clean. Good pee. Strong pee.
11:44 – I’ve found out that hipster bartender is a Cowboys fan. She is wearing a Dolphins shirt because her fiancee is a Dolphins fan. My suspicions about her making horrible life choices are confirmed.
11:46 – The way Gronk girl screams and moans at every good and bad Pats play tells me she would be REALLY good in bed.
11:57 – Raider fans are hitting their stride as the alcohol is finally hitting their bloodstream. It took two hours of steady drinking, but that’s Raider fans for you.
11:58 – Raider fan behind me toasts to my sportsmanship as I point out that the Mitchell fumble recovery won’t count because he was out of bounds. Raider fans really are good people.
12:10 – I present to you the Bill Simmons Comment of the Day: “Seth Roberts is what would happen if Seth and Summer from The OC got married.”
12:19 – Martavis Bryant has clearly been influenced too much by DHB, IMO.
12:21 – Latavius Murray:
12:23 – Dude just asked the bartender if she had his credit card from the night before. He forgot to pay his tab. How drunk was he?
12:24 – Tab is $13.00. Not that drunk, apparently. Which really just raises more questions.
12:30 – What the hell is that guy sticking his hand into in the Minnesota/St. Louis game?!?
12:33 – RIP Teddy Bridgewater.
12:35 – Raider fan behind me: “We’re not good enough to make a football move!”
12:38 – Patriots did something good. I don’t know what that is, but Gronk girl’s orgasm is a good indicator. They may need a mop.
12:42 – RTD reacting to a Raider play: “Ugh! Had the penetration, just not the right place!”
12:51 – Raider fans behind me declare that the game is over.
12:57 – Raider fans have come back to life.
1:01 – Tennessee bounces a FG off the crossbar. That’s gotta hurt.
1:02 – “Stop that bastard!” – Raider female fan behind me.
1:05 – Raider fans are loudly cheering for the Roethlisberger foot injury. I may have to take back my earlier comment.
1:08 – RTD: “I’d hate to be that chick’s neighbor.” This is in reference to Raider girl behind us who has clearly taken the crown of loudest fan away from Gronk girl. Gronk girl is basking in the afterglow and may need a nap.
1:20 – Mariota is the real deal. Titans win in OT on a TD.
1:27 – Raider fan: “I believe!” Raider girl: “I believe too!” RTD: “We need to make a list of things this girl believes in.” List so far: Unicorns, leprechauns, and that Snapchat photos really are guaranteed to delete after a certain amount of time.
1:34 – Raiders tie it up. Bar figuratively explodes.
1:50 – Raiders forget to cover Antonio Brown as they’ve forgotten to all game. The twofer of winning the DFO bet and having my team win is complete.